http://waiterrant.net/?p=607

I was reading this blog entry and thinking how lucky Waiter is to have Buster waiting for him when he gets home. How lucky he is to have somewhere to retreat for the holidays. Where people are welcoming and there's some comfort and joy.

This year, as with last year, I have spent the holidays feeling mostly trampled on. Stomped all over. Exhausted and worn out and miserable. It seems unfair that I don't also have somewhere to go where I can find some peace.

I have a pretty active social life. I always thought that I packed my social calendar full of activities so that I could get away from myself. When I'm sitting in a room with friends, the conversation makes me turn off my feelings. It's like a mask drops into place and I can pretend everything is okay. Maybe I'm not fooling anyone else but I definitely can fool myself into believing that I'm going to be okay. At least as long as dinner lasts, anyway. The presence of other people serves as a distraction from my thoughts. The crazy ones that make me hate myself. So I go out to dinner or meet people for drinks or shop with a girlfriend. As long as I'm forced to pretend I'm okay, I can be okay. When I get home, I can drop the mask and be myself. I need the alone time because all this pretending is exhausting. And I want that. I need that.

I think that I might make a resolution this year. That the place I go to get away, my apartment, should be welcoming and comfortable. It is. I'm happy with where I live right now. It's a great space. I rarely invite people over because I don't want to deal with the invasion of privacy, judgement and curiosity. The few people that I have invited are people that I trust. People I enjoy talking to and spending time with. Granted, there have been a few uninvited guests. But I don't really care what they think anyway.

The problem is that, when I'm alone in my apartment, I also have to deal with my thoughts. The voices in my head. The ones that torment me and punish me and remind me that I'm worthless. Stupid, fat and ugly. The inner turmoil drives me more crazy than almost anything outside. I can deal with the world. I can handle the stress of my daily life. The relationship torment comes from inside. It's the inside garbage that wears me down. Like my current insomnia. I could have gone to sleep hours ago but I couldn't bring myself to calm down, lie down and be still. I needed to have the TV going, to be able to look outside the window at the world outside, to drown all of my thoughts about Grey. To help me forget how much I miss him. It's always easier to sleep when I'm exhausted. If I try to sleep when I'm not exhausted, I end up crying and I hate that.

I don't know how to fix all these things about myself. But maybe, by just telling myself I need to give myself a break, maybe that will make things easier.

In a completely unrelated note, I have been sleeping on the couch a lot. It's comfortable. But I have been having strange and vivid dreams. Maybe the couch is off-gassing VOCs. Last night, I dreamed that I was reading reddit.com and I found an article on the 10 easiest ways to commit suicide. I also dreamed that Grey had decided to move to Montreal. That we had talked on the phone because he had called. I had some other pretty vivid dreams about him when I was napping on Saturday afternoon. I forget now what they were about. But I distinctly remember thinking this morning while I was baking cupcakes that I couldn't remember any of those ways to commit suicide. And I was irritated by that.

Make it stop

God, I miss you so much. I want to send you a text message or an email just to find out how you're doing. I want to get in my car and drive by your place and figure out what you're doing and who you're doing it with. I want you to call me and my heart to race when my call display shows your name. I want to lie next to you and put my head on your shoulder. Just shut my eyes and let go of all the strain and exhaustion and tension. I miss you so much I just want to cry but I'm so tired of crying and missing you. I'm tired of this ache. It feels like there's a giant hole in my chest. A big gaping black hole that can never be filled. That just sucks everything into it but never changes. My throat is tight, my eyes are bloodshot. I want to stand next to you and put my forehead in your neck while you wrap you arms around me and tell me that everything is okay. I want to dance with you, share a cigarette, smoke a joint, have a meal. Watch you cook. Listen to you falling asleep. Wake up next to you. Be the small spoon. I don't want to do anything on my own anymore. I miss you so much it hurts.

More of the same old nothing bullshit

I miss him so much that it hurts. Usually, this sort of anguish brings words but I've got nothing. How can he not feel this way too? I know breakups are hard but this one has been even harder than the rest. I think I might be suffering from borderline depression. I don't want to get up off the couch. I have been using cough syrup with codeine and hours of TV to avoid the thoughts in my head. The phone barely rings. My plans for tonight fell through at 11 after I finally text messaged so I didn't have dinner til midnight. I'm not really eating although I have been baking cookies today.

Actually, I did go to the mall for no other reason than it had stopped raining and I wanted to go to Chapters. Perhaps now that Christmas is over, it will get easier. But I find myself wishing there was an easy way out. Or an easier way to refill the cough syrup with codeine. I need to date a doctor. And a pharmacist. Part of me is glad I deleted him off fb and MSN but I'm very conscious that now I have no way of knowing what he's doing other than to drive past his place and see if the lights are on. And even I won't stoop that low. Not that I can see in the windows anyway. They're too high up. So it would be a waste of time. And yes, I have binoculars but I'm not that desperate. What if I died while I was doing that? Then the whole world would know how sad and pathetic and desperate I am. I hate myself right now. How did I get here?

100

I feel like I should write something monumental but I've got nothing. I already started this post once and it was pure blogorrhea. About Grey and House and misery and crap like that.

I'm pretty sure that I fell in love with Grey. But that can't make any sense. How can you fall in love with someone that you barely know? How can love be real? And how can it be fair to fall in love with someone that doesn't love you back? Surely that's just an illusion. You think that you're in love but you're not really. It's just some weird imbalance of pheromones and hormones and sexual tension and loneliness. Surely.

And if that's what love is, humiliating and painful and unsatisfying and lonely, what the hell is the point?? Why would anyone want that? Every couple I know is unhappy and every relationship I see needs work that one or both people are unwilling to put in. So what the hell is the point??

God,I miss Grey so much but do I really want him back in my life? Probably not. Not with the drama and the baggage and the heartbreak and the tears. There isn't a single thing about him that I don't miss and it seems that I cry every day regardless of whether or not he's in my life. So maybe love doesn't make you better off. Maybe it just helps you feel like there's some meaning to the daily trials and tribulations of life. Maybe that's why I still want him back. Because I'm miserable without him so I might as well be miserable with him, right?

He's back

But not in my life. Grey sent me a text message this afternoon just as I was leaving for bubble tea. I thought that it must have been a mass text to everyone in his phone book. So I deleted him from my facebook friends. As much as I want to hope that he misses me and wants me back in his life, I have to believe that isn't true. There was nothing personal about the text message.

When I was driving home, it occurred to me that he was on his way back from Ottawa. Perhaps that's why he sent it. He was online on MSN tonight. I went to check his fb activity (yes, I acknowledge that's fb stalking and it's sad and pathetic) before it occurred to me that I had already deleted him and I breathed a sigh of relief. Even if it was mixed with sadness and tinged with regret. Then I unblocked him on MSN and deleted him off that too. I don't want to know what he's doing anymore. It's too painful and I'm never going to get him back. I can be miserable without him just as effectively without trying to guess his every movement. I really miss him.

I watched It's a Wonderful Life and The Grinch tonight. Both brought me to tears. This is not a wonderful life and I have no-one's hand to clasp. I realize I'm lucky to have what I have and I should be grateful. I am, but I'm also so very lonely and heartbroken without him.

Raging fever

Short entry tonight. Date was okay. Long. 7 hours. Dinner at Sushi on Bloor, walk along Bloor St, brief tour of his place, drinks at the Rose and Crown. Some parts better than others. Mostly when he was talking. Maybe that makes me uninteresting. In hindsight, lots of awkwardness. Normal for a first date? Not sure. Broke the rules. Talked about religion, politics, exes. Discussed Average American Male. Sweet that he bought me a windmill fridge magnet from Holland. Strange that he thought it would be okay to try and kiss me. Gave up towards the end of the night and started to be my sarcastic, defensive self. He said he wasn't intimidated. Tried to guess my breast size and asked how I felt about blow jobs. Told him a bit about X and Grey. Drove me home. He suggested lunch and that I call him. Then he never called back or emailed. May also have either deleted his LL profile or blocked me. When did it become okay to not return a phone call? No dating for a while. Entire episode made me miss Grey immensely. Must take cough syrup with codeine and go to bed. Fever is not nice. Shivery and achy and clammy and sweaty. Head hurts. Ugh.

End of term

Up late madly writing BS. This paper is going to stink. Fortunately it will be the last thing I am ever graded on. Coming up: thesis lab work.

Procrastinated for hours on MSN today with LL guy. Seems funny but some things set my nerves on edge. Will withhold judgement til Friday. Hopefully is not awkward or weird or creepy. Probably should not let him pick me up but likely will. One bad decision after another.

Mad at Grey. Why would he still want to call me? If he just wanted to talk, he could call from Ottawa. I'm not stupid enough to let him continue manipulating me. I'm not. Really I'm not.

I am.

Better

I felt horribly guilty about ending it over email. On Sunday morning, I sent him the following email:

I'm so sorry I sent you that last email. I should have talked to you in person. I owed you at least the courtesy of that. I was so wrapped up in the things that were said on Monday night that I couldn't get past the way I was feeling. I thought it would make things easier for both of us but I shouldn't have taken the easy way out. If you had ended things with me like that, I would have been crushed. I hope you can forgive me. I would call you to apologize but it seems... I don't know, redundant? And scary. Shit, sorry, I'm awful, I know. I guess I've never been comfortable telling you what I think. Anyway, I really am sincerely sorry.

He replied:

No worries it was understandable considering the situation. You are a great person and you deserve better. I wish you only the best, I hope you found some joy in the time we spent together and that there are no hard feelings. Once again I think you are a wonderful women that deserves more and you should not settle for anything less.
If ok I will call you upon my return.
Happy Holiday's

His spelling and grammar are atrocious. I made an exception to my rule for him because English is not his first language. But it is still a pet peeve.

I sent this email to X.

What I really want to tell him (and I won't which is why I'm telling you) is:
"I don't want better, I don't want more. I want you. I don't want anyone else because that would be settling. I just want what we had in October and the early part of November. Before you started to freak out about all this falling in love bullshit. When you're ready to stop pushing me away and you decide you want to be with me, then you can call me and tell me exactly that and then, if I decide you deserve yet another chance, then we can talk. Until then, don't call me or email me or do anything except for think about what you have lost. By the way, your sheets arrived just in time for Christmas so I put them under my tree and opened them up on Christmas morning. They're wonderful. Thank you!"

Righteous indignation is so easy over email.

It helps me to know that he still wants to talk to me. Even if he just wants to maintain the connection because he thinks I'm stupid enough to have sex with him again. I mean, I am but he doesn't know that. I think it makes me feel better because it puts the power back on my side. Or maybe it means there's some sort of potential. Maybe something I said touched a nerve. I have no idea.

I have a date on Friday night. At least, I think it's a date. Drinks, anyway. I have never met this person before but we've been emailing. Lavalife. I'm just going because I need to get out of the house and talk to somebody else about something other than Grey. He looks good on paper and his photos seem to be pretty cute. He also made me laugh a couple of times which was nice. So, if he's arrogant and pompous and likes to hear himself talk, at least I get an interesting evening out with likely at least one shot of adrenaline and hopefully he'll buy drinks. Anything beyond that is just gravy.

Fucking miserable

I imagine this is how our conversation would sound:

Me: Do you miss me as much as I miss you?
Grey: Miss you? Why would I miss you? I'm glad you're out of my life. Crazy bitch.

Me: Is the hole in your chest as big as the hole in my chest?
Grey: You deserve to have a hole in your chest. Crazy bitch.

Me: Have you thrown out my stuff?
Grey: Yeah most of it but I'm keeping some of it for the other women that might need it.

Me: Do you ever think about me?
Grey: Sometimes when I'm masturbating. But mostly I just watch porn.

Me: Have you moved on?
Grey: I moved on weeks ago. You just didn't see it.

Me: Why would you want to be in love if it feels this awful?
Grey: I would never be stupid enough to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back. Stupid bitch.

Me: How do I stop crying?
Grey: I don't know and I don't care. You cry too much. Jesus woman, relax.

Me: I miss you.
Grey: I don't do drama.

Me: I can't function.
Grey: Not my problem bitch. I told you "no commitments".

Me: I hate myself.
Grey: You're not the only one.

Me: I wish I could kill myself.
Grey: .... well, okay then.

Maybe what I want is not what I need

I couldn't stop crying all day. If we hadn't got a snowstorm today, I might have been in my car outside his apartment looking up into his window. I'm not a stalker and I'm aware how pathetic that is. This evening I couldn't stop crying. I was hyperventilating because I couldn't stop. I've been through half a box of Kleenex. Thank goodness for Puffs Plus with lotion.

My best friend, A, finally called tonight. She's the only person I can cry to and not care that I'm being ugly. She's probably tired of hearing me cry about Grey. She asked me what it was about him that I missed but I couldn't speak. I was crying too hard. She said that I was upset about this because I wasn't ready to let go and I wanted to keep working on it. She wanted to know what I expect from him. I don't expect anything. I want him back but I don't expect anything. I don't think I'll ever see him again. And that breaks my heart. I miss him so much that I can't fill the hole inside my chest. I've tried food and cigarettes and writing. I haven't tried alcohol but I'm pretty sure that won't help either. I wrote him a letter today and then tore it up so I wouldn't send it in a moment of insanity. In the letter, I wrote everything. All of my thoughts and feelings. I know that communicating those things to him won't fix anything but I thought that writing the letter would help. It didn't. Writing in my journal hasn't helped. Even writing this blog entry is not helping but I have to try.

What wouldn't I do to have him back in my life? I know that it's harder today because it's Sunday. I'm back to hating Sundays again. I wonder what it is that I really need. I want him because he's driven and committed to work and life and gets excited. But maybe what I need is someone more balanced to bring that to my life. I thought I was good at balance but I'm starting to believe that I'm not. Maybe I don't need anyone. Maybe no man can survive a relationship with me. I want him because he is affectionate. I want him because he held my hand and gave me big hugs and was playful and knew exactly what he wanted in bed. I know that I could never not have those things in a relationship. But maybe I won't ever have those things with someone else. I don't want anyone else. I want Grey.

I have to stop torturing myself with this. I want to be able to accept that I made the right decision and begin to move on. I want to forget about the pain and erase the good memories. I need to stop crying. My eyes are puffy, I'm dehydrated, the inside of my nose is raw and the garbage is piled high with Kleenex. My journal articles are soggy, my pillow is wet. I have wasted so much time thinking about him, waiting for him to come online - not that I would message him, checking to see if he has been on facebook. How did I get here? How did I become this person? Why can't I be a better human being? I hate myself right now. But I want him back. I miss him. I think I was in love. That can be the only explanation for my current state of misery. I wish my heart would turn itself off.

Regrets

I wish I had let him make the decision. I wish I had said to him, "you're going to have to decide whether or not you want to be with me". I will always regret being the one to end this. I wonder if he is thinking about me. Noticing when my fb status changes. Wondering about the MSN tag lines. Missing my presence. Maybe he's glad to have his apartment all to himself all weekend. Maybe he's happier on his own. I wish I could call him and ask him if I made the right decision.

Usually, when I make a decision, I know it is right and I'm able to stand behind it. And I can make decisions quickly. This one didn't feel right, doesn't feel right and I don't know if it will ever feel right. I don't think it is one that I can undo. I suppose I could swallow my pride and phone him but he could do the same!

I know that I need to relearn how to be single and happy at the same time. I have so many regrets about my relationships this year. Maybe I need to start making decisions differently. Maybe I need to stop and think before I decide to become involved, and ask myself "will I regret this in a year?" How is it possible to know the answer to that question? In the past, I have always jumped in, my philosophy being that it's better to regret having taken the chance than to let it slip away. Perhaps it's time to start being less decisive? I have no idea. I don't trust my instincts or my judgement with men anymore.

I read some of my old journal entries. I was happy at one point. August 2006 driving across Canada by myself. The rest of the year was mostly unhappy. This year has been mostly unhappy. I am so confused. Everything hurts.

October 11, 2007
"I'm in danger of figuring out what love is. I really like [Grey]. There are some significant things that might prevent this from lasting longer than a few weeks...

I really hope this is going somewhere but I'm full aware that it could fizzle out or crash and burn and I think I would be left very hurt. I like the way he holds my hand when we're walking or when he's just falling asleep.

I'm so glad that he called me on Saturday. Sunday afternoon and Monday evening were perfect. I don't want to lose whatever this is right now but I also understand that I have very little control over what happens and I hope I will never regret making the decision to go along with this. It really scares me but, at the same time, it all just seems to fit. I really do like him a lot."

List

I just read over all of my recent entries about Grey. I can't stop crying. It's the ugly cry where nothing comes out but an occasional high pitched gasp. It's not pretty at all. There was so much wrong for such a long time. But all I can remember are the good things. I know that's normal for post-breakup but the memories are so vivid and poignant and barely within my control.

I miss
his hands
his salt-and-pepper hair
the way he cuts vegetables and sautes with his saucepan
the feeling of his hand on my neck when he was kissing me last weekend
holding hands while watching tv on the couch
sharing a joint
getting up to get dessert
smoking on the couch
sharing a paper
the way he would turn me over to spoon me
the way he would flip me over when we were having sex
his dirty talk
his flatulence
the never-ending supply of drinks
the way he would bound out of bed in the morning
waking up to him telling me breakfast would be ready soon
dim sum
going back to his place on saturday night after being out with girlfriends all day
working together at the dining table
the way he gets worked up about work
his smell
the way he would just stare into my eyes and get lost there
watching tv with him
watching crappy movies with him
watching him drink scotch out of the spiegelau glasses i bought him
watching him sit in his chair and play with his blackberry
the way he would make me take the window side of the bed
his driving
his hugs
his kisses
his playful but hard slaps
the way my head felt on his shoulder when we were lying on the couch or in bed
the way we sat at the table with placemats and napkins like grown ups
the sound of his laugh
watching him stretch
his neurotic cleanliness matched so closely to my own

Everything comes back so randomly and vividly. I wonder when I will stop crying.

Ache

I'm at work but I need to get the words out. I can't get used to this feeling. The hole in my chest where he used to be. It's worse at this time of day as the sun sets and everyone rushes home to their weekends leaving me here at my desk dreading my solitary return to my empty apartment. I thought I had got used to feeling lonely but this is worse. Every Christmas song brings tears to my eyes. My thoughts turn to memories of him at every quiet moment. It's a struggle that I haven't had to deal with before. Did I fall in love with him? Is this what that means? That complete loss of control of every emotion and thought? Overwhelming despair that I will probably never see him or hear his voice again? This is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me that he misses me, that he was wrong, that he was an idiot and can I come back? But I know he won't. He's not that guy. It wasn't right and, in my head, I know there are so many reasons I'm better off without him but I miss everything about him. I keep making lists in my head of all the things I miss. And I realize that I don't want to be with anyone else. I honestly don't believe I will meet anyone like him and I don't want to settle for less. Every inch of my soul hurts.

The email I actually sent...

Sadly I don't trust myself to say this to your face. Or even on the phone.


You've been so busy being defensive and closed-off that you never asked me what I wanted from you. I think you assumed that I wanted what you are searching for.


I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole "love" thing. I don't know how anyone can fall in love when they know so little about the person they are with. Is it possible to be in love with someone and not know who they really are? If that's true, how can love be real? When you said you could see I wanted more from you than what we have right now, I was floored. Why would you think that? Is that arrogance or fear? I want what we had last month before you started pushing me away. I do care about you but I don't think I could fall in love with someone that I barely know. Besides, I don't think that you get to tell someone not to fall in love with you.


What I wanted was to be with someone who liked and respected me. What I want is to meet someone whose company I actually enjoy enough to spend consecutive nights with him. I want to have sex with someone who appreciates more than just my body. So that we can do other things when we're not having sex and still have a good time. Because that is one of the things that makes sex better. I guess I was looking for a higher level of connection instead of just a "fuck friend". I want someone with whom I can spend hours and not feel compelled to do anything except what we each want. Like read the paper or take a nap or just get some work done. I want someone who will take my needs into consideration when we are spending time together. Because those are things I would do for the person I was with. I thought that you could be that guy but I guess I was fooled by your good manners and willingness to take care of me. I thought that this was what we both wanted and I am so confused that you continue to have issues with this on a weekly basis. I guess I should have known better when Steph said you were "a romantic".


I think that I was right about you. I think that you can't be happy in a sexual relationship with someone you're not in love with. And I think you're too scared and too hurt to allow yourself to fall in love. Remember when you continued to call me after I told you I didn't want to see you anymore? What was that? Remember that night when we were out watching the sailboats and the stars? What was that all about? Or that time you were out with Steph and asked me to come join you. I told I couldn't have sex with you and you said that it wasn't just about the sex. What was that? Was that you thinking about letting me in? You didn't need to go to the trouble. I would have slept with you anyway. Because I liked you and you made me laugh. It doesn't happen often to me so I was prepared to take the leap.


Maybe I am too caring and generous and sensitive. I am that way because I don't want to become my mother. Most of my friends value and appreciate those qualities in me but I can't seem to find an honest, trustworthy guy who thinks that about me and also wants to have sex with me. Maybe that means I'm fuckable but not lovable. And that breaks my heart because maybe I won't ever be in love and maybe nobody will ever be in love with me.


I still stand by everything I wrote in that facebook message in September. But I am starting to wish I had walked away then. For weeks I reminded myself every day that you weren't my boyfriend. I don't have to do that anymore.


If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that men can't be friends with the women they have sex with. A friend would have asked what he could do for me. The last time I had food poisoning, Vancouver brought me soup and ginger ale and ginger tea and I've never slept with him. When My Former Valentine was sick, I took him drugs and never slept with him either. That's what friends do for each other. But you were too selfish to get in your car and drive for 10 minutes to return the soup that I bought for you with no strings attached. Was that arrogance or fear?


Whatever your reasons, you can't seem to make up your mind about me. So I'm deciding for both of us now. No more sex, or shared papers or dim sum or spoons in bed.


There is no need for you to call or email. I didn't take your sweater with me on Sunday but I would like my book so please leave it with my concierge before you go to Ottawa. I will make sure you get your sheets when they arrive.


I am alternating between relief and tears. I miss him. I think he was the one. Which means I will be alone forever. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Letter to Grey

We had a fairly good weekend. Except for Saturday morning when he ripped me a new one after I talked about my family. He's really priceless. Today I was sick. I lost count of the number of times I threw up. I hoped he would come by with some soup. Apparently that was too much to ask.

You've been so busy being defensive and closed-off that you never asked me what I wanted from you. I think you assumed that I wanted what you are searching for.

I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole "love" thing. I don't know how anyone can fall in love when they know so little about the person they are with. Is it possible to be in love with someone and not know who they really are? If that's true, how can love be real? When you said you could see I wanted more from you than what we have right now, I was floored. Is that arrogance or fear? I do care about you but I don't think I could fall in love with someone that I barely know. Besides, I don't think that you get to tell someone else whether or not to fall in love with you.

What I wanted was to be with someone who liked and respected me. What I want is to meet someone whose company I actually enjoy enough to spend consecutive nights with him. I want to have sex with someone who appreciates more than just my body. So that we can do other things when we're not having sex and still have a good time. Because that is one of the things that makes sex better. I guess I was looking for a higher level of connection instead of just a "fuck friend". I want someone with whom I can spend hours and not feel compelled to do anything except what we each want. Like read the paper or take a nap or just get some work done. I want someone who will take my needs into consideration when we are spending time together. Because those are things I would do for the person I was with. I thought that you could be that guy but I guess I was fooled by your good manners and willingness to take care of me. I thought that this was what we both wanted and I am so confused that you continue to freak out about this on a weekly basis. I guess I should have known better when Steph said you were a romantic.

Maybe I am too caring and generous and sensitive. Most of my friends value and appreciate that in me but I can't seem to find a decent, respectable guy who thinks that about me and also wants to have sex with me. Maybe that means I'm fuckable but not lovable. And that breaks my heart because maybe I won't ever be in love and maybe nobody will ever be in love with me.

And I think that I was right about you. I think that you can't be happy in a sexual relationship with someone you're not in love with. And I think you're too scared and too hurt to allow yourself to fall in love. Remember that night when we were out watching the sailboats and the stars? What was that all about? Remember when you continued to call me after I told you I didn't want to see you anymore? What was that? Was that you letting me in? You didn't need to go to the trouble. I would have slept with you anyway. Because I liked you and you made me laugh. That doesn't happen often to me so I was prepared to take the leap.

I still stand by everything I wrote in September. But I am starting to wish I had walked away the first time I tried. For weeks I reminded myself every day that you weren't my boyfriend. I don't have to do that anymore.

If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that men can't be friends with the women they have sex with. A friend would have asked what he could do for me today. You were too selfish to get in your car and drive for 10 minutes to bring me the soup that I bought for you with no strings attached. Was that arrogance or fear?

I would rather be nowhere

I don't know if I can handle this. I'm okay when there are people around. I've always been good at faking strength and self-confidence. But when I get home, I can't stop crying. I really miss him.

I wrote that last night. I never posted it because I was so ashamed of myself. And then I had a colossal epiphany. I'm too tired to write about it but I'm starting to waver in my convictions about Grey.

The two things next to my bed are my very marked up and highlighted copy of He's Just Not That Into You and my journal.

I still miss him but I'm exhausted with this non-relationship. Maybe it would be better if I was hit by a truck. Or pushed out the window. Or died during exam invigilation tomorrow. Somebody died on campus today. No further details were provided. Shocking.

Over

He didn't call last night. I wasn't really expecting it. He never calls on Mondays. He didn't call tonight. I was hoping he would. But also hoping he wouldn't. Because, if he never calls me again, I won't have to make a decision. Maybe I will regret for the rest of my life not trying harder. The sensible part of my brain knows that it's not up to me and never was. I miss him so much. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Kiss of Death

He didn't kiss me all weekend. Not when I arrived. Not when we had sex. Not when I left. Well, he did kiss me when I left. Both cheeks. He was dodging my lips. He said that he didn't want to kiss me when we were having sex because his breath was awful. And he said he missed the kisses. But I think he just didn't want to kiss me and made up the rest.

I don't know what love is but I don't think I can be with someone who can't even bring himself to kiss me. I must be a really terrible person if I'm fuckable but not lovable or even kissable.

Not in love

Ten years a go, I met a guy who I was with for seven years. I think the only thing we had in common was that we were both lonely. He was good to me and might even have loved me. I don't know anymore. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. He's with someone else now.

A year ago, I was not in a relationship with a guy that knew how to make me laugh and wanted to. He understood what I meant when I said that we're all really alone. He was too young. And not ready for a mature relationship. But he was sweet and funny. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. And now he's with someone else.

Six months ago, I was in a relationship with a guy that said he loved me and wanted to marry me and just come home and spend time with me at the end of his day. But he didn't know how to make me laugh and didn't try. He wasn't ready for a relationship either, but he loved the idea of being in love with me. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. And now he's with someone else.

Today, Grey told me that he isn't in love with me. I'm not sure what to do with that information. I'm not even sure I understand why it is even relevant. Maybe it's because I don't believe in love. Maybe it's because I believe that companionship is an illusion. On the one hand, I hear voices in my head telling me that I deserve to be with someone that is crazy about me. And I think that Grey was trying to tell me that he isn't crazy about me. I don't know if anyone has ever been crazy about me. Anyway, I think those voices might be my instincts. But I don't know because I don't trust my instincts anymore. I think I turned them off. Or maybe I never had any.

On the other hand, I just want to be with him. I want to keep trying. I want to know why he keeps me at a distance. I think that we could bridge the distance if we could each let our guard down. I want him to make me laugh and I want him to reach out for me. I want him to hold my hand when we're watching TV. I want him to hold me close when we're in bed. I want the big hugs and the soft kisses and the...

He is bored of me already. Perhaps he's just too scared to say that in so many words. I don't want to believe that he is trying to get rid of me. I want to believe that's just my issue and I'm misinterpreting his meaning. I have no idea. I'm so confused. Shouldn't relationships be easier than this?

He apologized

I just don't know how much longer I can do this with him. I haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time but he is just so confusing. And, late at night, when I'm tired and it's harder to pretend that I don't care, I try to figure out what he meant by what he said. Or didn't say.

I haven't seen him since last Saturday when I walked out. We have talked but haven't had a real conversation. I am on the brink of giving up. I picture my life post-Grey and wonder if it will feel empty or if I will feel better having made a good decision.

I miss him during the week. I crave his touch. I miss his salt and pepper hair and his hugs and his silences. I haven't shown him this flow chart yet but I intend to. I am at the point that I need to know. I want his answer to be the one in the bottom left corner. Or in the top right. But I'm scared it's somewhere in the middle.

We talked on the phone a few hours ago. He asked me what I was doing this weekend and then abruptly cut off the conversation. I don't know why. I wrote him a mental email but I think I'll just wait and see what happens. Maybe I won't ever see him again. Maybe that would be easier. My heart aches for him. How can I feel this already? Maybe in a month it will have faded. Or just fizzled out.

Verbal/emotional abuse

What I wish I could say to his face...


Even before I met you, she told me that you were a really good guy. And she has often said that you treat people well and are a respectful guy. I thought that too when I met you. What you said today was hurtful and humiliating. I don't know what you are trying to do but I think it worked. Never in my life have I been so aware that I am fuckable but not even a little bit lovable. The first time I told you that I couldn't have sex with you (when you called me to come out when you were out having dinner with Steph), you said it wasn't about the sex. When did you change your mind? It would have been decent of you to tell me instead of playing games with me. And even if it was just about sex, you haven't been very respectful towards me. I have treated you with kindness and generosity. The same way I would treat any friend. I'm not sure why you think it's okay for you to talk to me the way that you do. Or blatantly ignore me when I'm speaking to you like you. I wonder what your friends think of me when you talk to me the way you do in front of them. It isn't right. And all that crap about you not being a good guy is just plain bullshit. I don't know what your issues are and I have no idea how to deal with them. You have alternately been good to me and a jerk to me for no good reason except that I continue to let you. Clearly, nothing I can say will make you stop so I really don't know what to do now. I like you but I don't think that you like or respect me. I guess maybe you enjoy the sex more knowing that you're screwing someone you don't like? I hate myself right now for not being able to stand up to you.

Do normal relationships exist?

I had my first big meltdown with Grey on Saturday. He was being a bit of a jerk, I was feeling fragile and all hell broke loose. I cried, I walked out, I came back. He was kind and gentle and quiet. I wish I hadn't cried. I was a mess. I bought him a Nerds Christmas ornament thingy from the grocery store to make it up to him. I hope he likes it. We've booked Thursday and Saturday nights for sex.

He's still a mystery. I don't know if he will ever let me in. I don't think we'll ever truly be in a relationship. I think that we'll continue to do this thing, whatever it is, company + sex, I guess, until he gets bored or I completely freak out and then it will be over and I will be a soggy, heartbroken mess. The truth is that I care about him a lot. I want to be his girlfriend. But every day, I remind myself to back off. I tell myself he is not the boyfriend and I am not his girlfriend. I remember that there is no commitment and that I am not equal in this thing.

I can't talk to him about stuff when I need to. I can't expect him to be there for me. I can't plan for a future beyond next weekend. I'm not allowed to be myself because I have to be careful and guarded and distant.

I have a list of questions I would love to ask, if we were in a relationship. I probably will never get the chance. Here is my list in the form of an email sitting in my gmail drafts:

There are so many things I would ask if I felt like I could. There are times when I could believe that he wants what I want. The comfort and security of knowing we have a future together. But then there are times when a distinctly cold wind blows and I'm reminded that I'm not the girlfriend. So I take a step back mentally and physically. But never emotionally. The emotional check consists of a looped statement in my brain: "You're not the girlfriend. He's not the boyfriend. This will end. And you won't see it coming. So don't think of preparing. Just be warned."

The list of ever-present, ever-growing questions:

1. What does "no commitment" mean, exactly?
2. Is it just sex and company or is there something else?
3. Why is he with me? Why did he keep calling in September? Did my facebook message change anything?
4. Sunday nights, family holidays, Christmas. And why I enjoy Sunday nights now.
5. X/Mr X/X's brother's girlfriend and why we're still close.
6. His relationship history.
7. Is he ever going to let me in?
8. Does he really want to get married and have kids or is that just the politically correct thing to say to women he's sleeping with?
9. If 8 is true, what does "marriage" mean?
10. And when asked if I can have kids, biologically, how significant is my answer and what happens if I can't?
11. Religious beliefs; practicing? "Born Catholic, raised atheist?" Does he see himself getting married in church? Will he raise his kids Catholic? Circumcision?
12. Political leanings. Thoughts on voting, citizenship, this country I call my home.
13. If I fall in love with him, and he finds out, will he run away?

It's hard to open up to someone and trust that person when he has told you that he probably won't ever open up and trust you. It's tough knowing that his history casts a shadow over the present and the future and realizing I'll never know where that shadow came from. It's hard to even have a serious conversation, or even fully be myself, knowing that any minute, he could walk away and he would be perfectly justified because he was clear all along that there was no commitment. Where is the off switch for my heart?

Right now, while I'm feeling tired and fragile, I wish I was in a normal relationship with someone who wanted this to go somewhere. I want it more than being with Grey. I know I won't feel that way when I see him. That makes me sad.

Another unsent letter to B

It's good to know that my instincts about you were right.

All those times I worried about you being with someone else. At the end when you couldn't look me in the eye when you were talking to me. When you kept saying you loved me and still wanted us to be together but your words lacked sincerity and warmth.

I remember thinking "who the hell is she?" but I don't remember if that was before or after our "break" started. Maybe I should have asked. I feel as though you lied and cheated. Why did you stay with me? Why did you have sex with me? Did you fly home and have sex with her? Were you already having sex with her when you came to visit and had sex with me?

Just when I was starting to think there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. I feel blindsided. I was just starting to think I would be happier not knowing the truth. Because I don't really need the extra baggage.

Now I may never be able to trust another man who talks about marriage and buying property and growing old together How can this happen to one person twice in one lifetime?

I'm such an idiot. Gullible. How did I believe all the things you said? It's a good thing I reminded myself this afternoon that I don't need anyone. That I'm self-sufficient and have no expectations of anyone.

Men are monkeyfuckers.

Pouting

I'm pouting. I'm tired and he's going to Vancouver this week and I'm going to miss him. It's not like it will be very different from a regular week. I didn't see him at all last week because we were both so busy. I don't even necessarily need him to call me although that would be nice. I'm wearing his sweater and it smells like him so I'm going to wear it to bed.

I've decided that ignorance is bliss as far as B is concerned. If he met someone or cheated or decided that he is in fact gay, I don't want to know. I'm happy for the entire thing to remain a mystery. Better that than the unanswered questions of "why wasn't I good enough?" if he has met someone else. Not that I care. I don't. I just don't need any additional baggage. I am thankful that he made it so easy for him to walk away and not feel guilty about caring so deeply about someone else so soon.

I've decided to call him Grey. Grey skies. Grey sweaters. Greyscale - in the black and white photo of us on my desk next to my lucky bamboo birthday gift. They make me happy and so does he with his receding salt and pepper hair. He got a hair cut today at the mall while I went off to Crappy Tire to buy ice cube trays and quarter rolls for him. I think I'm in love with him.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday

This should be an important and meaningful post but it won't be. I'm tired which is great for a Sunday night. So I'm going to take advantage and go to bed soon.

I turned 30 yesterday. I'm pretty excited to be 30-something. I've been saying for years "I'd rather be old and wise than young and stupid". I think I've been ready for my thirties for a few years now. I wonder if my early 30s will be remarkably different from my late 30s in terms of perspective and how I see the world. I hope so. I hope I can finally learn to be happy. Beyond that, I have goals but nothing specific in terms of personal development or emotional growth. It's probably best to approach this decade open-minded. The 20s were good - I did things I never imagined I was capable of doing - and I hope the 30s will be great.

Onto more immediate thoughts. I spent the weekend with the mysterious guy. I am going to start thinking of a name for this blog. On Friday night, I had sushi with my closest friends in Toronto which was nice. A small manageable group after all of the planning. Saturday morning, I got a french manicure. I feel like such a girl. Then pizza lunch with X which was nice, if brief. Many phone calls and emails and facebook birthday wishes which was overwhelming and wonderful. Finally, the mysterious guy cooked me dinner and we watched License to Wed which was surprisingly funny. Today we went to the Royal Winter Fair and watched Evan Almighty and lots of TV. It was a really great weekend.

He was nice to me and was clearly keeping the sarcasm in check which was refreshing. We didn't talk about anything and, to be honest, I don't particularly feel like having that conversation just yet. Bedtime.

Letter to B

It has been just over a month since we broke up and a month since I last spoke to you. Today, I was supposed to be packing to come and visit you. Instead, I'm wondering "what the hell happened to you?" It's not that I particularly care anymore. I know that I can't expect closure from you, that I have to create it myself. But I hate loose ends and not knowing.

Where did you go? I haven't received a single email or instant message, let alone a phone call from you. And no response to my birthday message. I wonder if I'll hear from you on Saturday. It's a pretty important year for me.

Do you care how I'm doing? Do you even think about me anymore? How did 14 years of friendship and history just disappear in the blink of an eye? It boggles my mind and I can't even begin to think of an explanation.

Well, that's not true. My theory is that you met someone who made it easy to stop thinking about me. Am I that forgettable? She must be really something. To forget all your promises of marriage, your talk of the future, of our lives together.

I understand and accept it is for the best. I have met someone who does make me happy. He makes me laugh and takes care of me and calls when he says he's going to call. He works as many hours as you do, more actually because he works hard and is dedicated and loves his job. And he parties as hard as you do. But he knows the importance of unwinding and spending time together doing nothing and saying nothing. Of preparing meals and sitting down to eat together. He understands the importance of conversation, even if sometimes he puts on his shell. I haven't figured out to crack it. Yet. I want to though.

I'm crazy about him. I actually feel things in my heart and soul that never responded to your words except with uncertainty and fear and guilt.

Still, this mystery will continue to rattle around at the back of my brain until someone divulges something to me about your situation.

Here, I thought I knew you all along. Turns out I haven't a clue.

Humpy Halloween

How can it only be Wednesday night?? This week is taking forever to end. And not just because I'm turning 30 on Saturday and can't wait :) My last post should have been called "Weekend High". I must be losing it.

He finally asked about X today. Today I was over at X's parents house. Drove his mother home from the hospital and then put up her Halloween decorations while she made dinner. X and I manned the door while she ate and sat with the dog who is 13.5 years old and may not have another Halloween. Mr. X is in the hospital having his bone marrow replaced. He should have been home already but he has a Clostridium difficile infection and is in isolation. They won't let him come home until he has been diarrhea-free for 48 hours. Mrs. X is so strong and matter-of-fact that I have no idea how she copes. I hope I never have to be in her shoes. Perhaps she is stubborn and has a one-track mind. Perhaps she understands that she can't change anything so she just has to manage. Perhaps she cries herself to sleep every night. I would. I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for that family.

I'm not sure what I'll tell the mysterious guy about X. That he treats me more like his little sister than his ex. That I broke up with him because he was never going to be the man I needed in my life. That I'm not attracted to him anymore and haven't been for years. That usually, when we spend time together, I realize I'm better off alone than spending the rest of my life with him. That I still believe, if I'm not good enough for him, maybe I'm not good enough for anyone? I don't know. I guess I'll figure that out when we talk tomorrow.

As for Halloween, I'm glad that it happened, even if it was a bit stressful. We had one little blue princess who took one look at the dog and started yelling "Doggie! DOGGIE!" at the top of her lungs. Fortunately, Mrs. X was holding her (the dog, not the princess) so a near disaster was averted. And then, after X gave her the standard ration of two chocolate bars, she reached into the box and took another one! We all laughed but my nerves were a bit on edge. I can only imagine how the poor dog must have felt. I think the little blue princess had dipped into her candy stash a bit early!

I'm tired. My tummy hurts. I just want to go to bed but I don't think sleep will come easily tonight. I wish I was with the mysterious guy instead of being home alone but I have an early lab day tomorrow and it's better this way.

Weekend happy

This morning, I had screaming nightmares. There was a young girl who was sick. I was in a house full of female relatives screaming for help but nobody came. Eventually, I did CPR on her but she was dead. That was when I woke up.

I don't want to go to bed. I'm not scared of the nightmares but maybe if I'm really tired, they won't happen.

We had a pretty good weekend. I finally called him on Saturday afternoon and we had dinner and watched a couple of crappy movies (Spiderman 3 and Mr Brooks) and ate some amazing cheesecake and canolis. Then I had a stomach ache all night so we were both tired on Sunday. We had dim sum followed by grocery shopping and more TV while he played poker on his blackberry. He made dinner and we ate too much again. I love to watch him cook. I'd rather watch him cook than watch anything else, I think. Well, perhaps I could alternate watching him cook with watching rain falling outside. It's beautiful and masculine and thoroughly captivating.

Oh yeah, I also got high! I tried it for the first time last weekend and I didn't feel anything. At least, I didn't realize I was feeling anything because it was so mild. But this time, I smoked a lot more and it was interesting although I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. I got all tingly and sleepy and, at one point, I couldn't feel my arms anymore. I had another small puff on Sunday and that's about manageable for me. I was just a tiny bit tingly after that. It makes sense because I am sensitive to caffeine and alcohol and sugar. So another check mark against the list of things to do before I'm 30. I don't think there's actually anything else.

Exhausted

I'm completely exhausted today. I drove to Markham for a pumpkin party. And, while the pumpkin carving didn't leave me completely exhausted this year (I designed my own teapot stencil), the drive did. It was foggy and dark and I need my bed and my water pillow.

He finally called this afternoon and woke me up from my nap. Perhaps he wasn't avoiding me and was just busy. He didn't get home til 2 am after he went out with the girls but he assures me that the adulterous threesome didn't happen. I have missed him this week. Am I nuts?

Control freak

When I get scared, I become paralyzed. I can't seem to do anything. I can't bring myself to leave the house or do some work or call someone or even think straight. Why? Because I'm a control freak. And, more than anything else in the world, relationships scare me because they are so completely out of my control. And that is why I am so profoundly affected when things don't go the way that I want. I think this might be a breakthrough day for me. I get that I'm scared, but I never really clearly understood why. I'm starting to understand that I just have to let go. If he hasn't called, if I think he's avoiding me, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't rehearse conversations in my head in preparation for when he eventually does call. I can't plan for the things he might say. It doesn't help to imagine all the things he could be doing to hurt me. So I just have to wait patiently. That is the hardest thing of all. I'm the girl that can take care of herself because, if I want something, I just go and do it. I can do that for myself. But I can't make anyone do that for me. So I have to suck it up and just get up off my terrified ass and go and do all of the things that I had planned for today. That's all I can do. I think I understand that now.

Baby, where you at?

"Baby where you at - I just recognized I’m living life alone
Baby where you at - I just, I just , wish you’d call me
Damn this phone"
-- Joe feat. Papoose

I think he's avoiding me. I wish I knew what it is about me that turns men off. It can't just be the sex. Can it? If that's the case, what's the point of waiting to have sex if he's just going to disappear anyway? I'd rather figure that out sooner rather than later. Maybe that makes me stupid. I just wish he would call.

How did I get here again? I'm so sick of waiting for the phone to ring. I'm tired of being single. Maybe I'm just tired and remembering how good it felt to be taken care of on Sunday. I should stop listening to songs that make me sad.

We're not going to Vancouver in November. At least, I'm not going with him. I'm starting to dread my birthday. I was so happy about turning 30 and going to the Bahamas for a week. Now I just want it to be over. I just want to fast forward to the following Monday. I was going to go home for the holidays but I don't think I want to be there with both parents and sibling. I wonder if I can use my Air Canada credit on a package deal. After all, I don't need a man to take me to Jamaica.

He loves me, he loves me not

He said "I love you today". He was joking. We had just finished lunch (the second meal of the day he cooked for me) and I was going to do the dishes when the dryer beeped. He said he would do dishes if I did the sheets. I'm not sure why he doesn't like to make the bed. Fitted sheets are so easy. When I told him I was going to do the sheets anyway, he said "I love you". I forget my response. I think I gave him the eyebrow and rolled my eyes before taking the sheets out of the dryer. I might have said "you're such an ass" but I might only have thought it. He laughed.

Perhaps that all sounds horrible but it was funny. We had a great weekend. Saturday morning was dim sum followed by a movie and a non-nap. He called me a suction cup. I got my hair done and then we went off to a black tie event at the Royal York. He said I looked fine when we left the apartment. And later that night, he told me again that I looked great. He looked good too. The food was good, his coworkers were fun, the silent auction was a disaster but only because he's stubborn and impulsive. We danced together and laughed together and didn't get drunk. The best part was getting home before midnight and taking all 90 bobby pins out of my head. When I got out of the shower and was brushing my teeth in my pajamas, he said "you look great". I was so touched. I really think I'm crazy about him. He takes my breath away.

Today we had breakfast and lunch and watched a movie and did some work. We sat on the balcony and looked through the telescope and cleaned some old clothes out of his closet. It was comfortable and easy and would have been the perfect Sunday if we had rounded it out with dinner. We didn't leave the apartment at all. We did laundry and vacuumed and dishes and made out. The Scrabble game was brutal and made me feel stupid. And the play fighting got a little rough but it's nice to know he has that kind of energy at his age. He took care of me beyond anything I could have expected. He made sure I ate with all of my painkillers. Asked me if I was okay when I put my hand on my stomach. It might be time to start thinking of a name for this blog. Is that going to jinx it?

Happy birthday Mr. Rebound

First, I want to acknowledge this wonderful blog I accidentally stumbled across today.
http://www.notestoself.us/2007/10/ring-of-fire.html

I just wrote the most stunningly boring blog entry and then deleted it.

Birthday plans for the evening include leftover Thai food, some drugs (Neo-citran, Advil Cold & Sinus and chicken soup - okay not a drug but whatever), a chick flick and early to bed for the birthday boy. I had planned to take over a bottle of 2004 Dr. Loosen that I had been saving for a special occasion but he probably won't even be able to taste it. We can drink it next week maybe. I didn't get him a gift for his birthday, as per his request. But his friend sent me the photos he took two weekends ago so I cropped them and made them black and white with borders. I bought a cheap frame in case he decides he likes one of them enough to frame it. If he doesn't, I'll keep the frame and put one up myself. He is so sexy, I love just looking at him.

Poetry by J

Today J sent me this poem when I suggested he send me some unsolicited advice. I have changed the mysterious guy's name to protect his identity. Suffice it to say, it rhymes with "man"...

Stan Stan,
the rebound man
he's high
not dry
he's crude
and rude
talks about a wedding
but he just wants a beddin'
he's fun
but dumb
bold
but old
charming,
but alarming
he's Stan Stan,
the rebound man....

Happy Sunday

J is calling the mysterious guy "Mr. Replacement" or "Mr. Rebound" so I'm going to try those on for this blog entry. We had dinner today and it was like a real date. And then he gave me the most mind blowing orgasm I have ever experienced.

Conversation at dinner (Roll-San, Chinatown)

Mr. Rebound: do you think the filling of this dumpling was just this morning's siu mai that didn't get used?
Me: um, okay, I'm not going to eat that now (!) jackass.

10 minutes later...
Mr. Rebound: are you not going to eat the rest of your dumpling?
Me: No!
(Mr. Rebound picks up dumpling filling and eats it)
Me: I dunno Mr. Rebound, you're blurring the boundaries here. That was a very couple thing to do. (Shakes head)
(Mr. Rebound ponders this statement while chewing)
Mr. Rebound: Well, so what do you want out of this thing anyway?
Me: We are NOT having this conversation right now. You know, the neon fish in the window is kinda cute in a tacky Chinatown way.
Mr. Rebound (laughing): Well, you know, one day hopefully I might smarten up.
Me: Oh yeah? How so?
Mr. Rebound: Do I have to draw you a big fucking picture?
Me: Yes Mr. Rebound, yes you do. (rolls eyes and changes the subject)

5 minutes later...
Mr. Rebound: So what do you want out of this thing anyway?
(Me with mouth full puts up two fingers)
I think this is when he inserted some random comments about how things aren't just hunky dory until you get married and then they go to shit but I wasn't really paying attention (because the m word freezes my brain over, apparently) and he wasn't making a great deal of sense.

2 minutes later...
Me: So are you saying you want me to be around when you smarten up or would you rather I was gone?
Mr. Rebound: Woman, do I have to draw you a big fucking picture or what?
Me (laughing): You're so annoying, you know that? Jerk.

It seems that Mr. Rebound may be softening up a bit. And that is exactly where he should be.

I left my pillow behind

Thursday night, he called me well after I had gone to bed. About 1.30 am. He was sending me mixed messages but he was wasted so I went over there because I was worried. And because I can't go back to sleep once I've been woken up. He was well and truly wasted. So I put him to bed and alternately dozed with him or on the couch. I had horrifying nightmares so I didn't sleep past about 4 am. I can't even say what they were about because they were too disturbing. Every time he stopped snoring, I got up to check that he was still breathing. And he was still drunk when he woke up in the morning.

He was pretty obnoxious but I was still laughing. He did remember asking me to go to a gala event with him next Saturday. He asked me three times. I think I'll wait until I can speak to him when he's sober to confirm that he actually wants me to be there. I have a feeling he will change his mind. We're also booked (in his blackberry!) to spend Thursday evening together. His birthday. I don't have any plans because I have class til 9 but I have a feeling he'll bail on that as well. I don't know why I think that but I think this thing is going to fizzle out by the end of this weekend.

Last night, his cousin was in town. He said that his cousin didn't want "girlfriends" out with them that night and just wanted to spend some alone time together. It took me a couple of hours to see through that one because I was offended that his cousin would rule out my company before even meeting me. It didn't occur to me until I got home that it wasn't his cousin who didn't want me there. There were a series of frustrating, confusing text messages from both him and his cousin and I finally gave up and went to bed at 11. I turned my phone off that time. When I woke up at 3 am, there were four text messages and one voice mail so I phoned back and he was already asleep.

I got a call this morning to possibly do something this evening. But that fell through as well because he's working til midnight and tomorrow morning. He did say he was hoping to have tomorrow afternoon off but he didn't ask me to spend it with him and I didn't ask. I'd rather not make tentative plans and then have them fall through. It's easier not to have expectations.

It's hard to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't have expectations. J told me that he sounds like the ideal rebound guy. But I don't want him to be a rebound. I really hope this doesn't crash and burn. Fuck, I'm an idiot - there's the h word again. I wish this was different but it's time to face reality. I think it's time to start expecting the worst. That he's done with me; he's taken what he needs that I was perfectly willing to give. At least I'm not particularly attached to that pillow.

Quiet early morning

I'm awake early again but for a different reason than yesterday. Yesterday, I was lying in bed and realized I was wide awake. It was still dark out. So I got up and did some stuff. And then I napped for a large portion of the evening. Today, I'm awake because I slept over at the mysterious guy's. Because of the combination of nap and sleeping with him, I only got about 2 hours real sleep last night. He started tossing and turning around 4 am and, after he woke me up, I couldn't fall back asleep again. He snored last night too for the very first time. It was still a relatively good night though considering I napped in the evening. I spent some of it just watching him. That sounds creepy but it's true. Watching and thinking, "do I really like this guy?" And he gave me a Hugo Boss tshirt that he doesn't wear anymore. Every time I put it on, I'll remember the way his hands felt running down my breasts and stomach. I have goosebumps right now.

He's starting to feel a bit less mysterious. The bodily functions I overheard during his shower made me chuckle a bit. It's nice that he's so comfortable around me, even if it makes me think "he's such a guy". On the other hand, he does ask my opinion about his outfits which is sweet. He also bit my ass this morning which is something B used to do. I really hope it doesn't bruise. When I left, he asked if I was going to leave my pillow behind. I wanted to, just as a way to leave my presence in the apartment, and a pillow is much less temporary than a pink toothbrush. But I also need all four of my pillows every night. Okay, I really only need three but maybe I'm not ready for that kind of permanence yet.

I found that I missed him during the day yesterday. Mostly because I had nothing to do. But I was very happy when he phoned me late last night. It was most definitely a booty call but I'm okay with that. One of his coworkers from London stayed with him last night so I'm wondering if the cat is out of the bag now but I'm sure he will be discreet. I wouldn't want our mutual friend to find out. Even though she did suggest the mysterious guy as a possible date option at lunch on Monday, I'm still not ready for her to find out that we're knocking boots. There are a few things that could potentially drive me nuts about him. He drinks too much, works too much, smokes weed and is a little too loud in the morning for my sensitive soul.

I really do like him though. There, I said it. I'm officially invested.

Happy

It's the end of the weekend and, for a change, I'm happy. Maybe that's because it's actually Monday night and not Sunday. But the real reason is because I went for a walk with the mysterious guy tonight and he held my hand and talked to me and asked me about my thesis work and complimented my brain. If this goes on for much longer, I'll have to come up with a better name than "the mysterious guy". But I think I'll wait a bit and see what, if anything develops.

I really do like him a lot. I hope that doesn't wear off too quickly.

You, I like

I was thinking of making this list earlier tonight and then was inspired by Fish to write this letter.

Dear You

When my phone rings, I jump and think "I'll be disappointed if this is not You calling". Because whenever You call me, I smile, just because You're You.

These are the things I like about You:

I like that You make me laugh so effortlessly.
I like that You get excited when my shirt comes off.
I like how affectionate You are when we're alone together.
I like how attentive You are to my moods even when You're stressed and frazzled.
I like that You can put up with my crap when it doesn't matter and also not take my crap when it does.
I like that You cooked me breakfast this morning.
I like how You feel when we're both soapy and wet.
I like the way You look at me when You think I'm not looking.
I like that You dance with me when we're at a club.
I like that You open doors for me.
I like that You're hiding the "hopeless romantic" under that rough exterior.
I like the sound of Your laugh.
I like that You can laugh at Yourself.
I like that You worry.
I like that You don't take things too seriously.
I like that You are considerate enough to think about clean towels.
I like that You held onto my toothbrush.
I like Your taste in clothes and furniture and things that really matter like shoes.
I like how comfortable and secure I feel in Your arms.
I like that You're not afraid to ask for what You want.
I like it when You flip me over or around or any of the other innumerable things You do to me that nobody else has ever done.
I like lying next to You when you're sleeping.
I like the way Your breathing sounds when You're fast asleep.
I like that You call when You say You're going to call.
I like that You say the little things to me that cost You nothing but mean so much to me.

Even though there's no commitment and no discussion of next week or next month, even though I barely know You, I hope I get to find out all the other things I like about You. And hope is not something I do really well.

Like,
Me

Great expectations

Is it possible to have good sex and good conversation with the same person? With the same man? I'm starting to think it isn't possible. There were a few people who I thought had potential. The deadbeat ex drug-dealer last summer. He was fun and funny and good in bed. But he only wanted to have sex once a week, if that. Then there was my former Valentine who could make me laugh but didn't make a move for months and then, when he did, he couldn't get it up. B who seems to be a perfect physical match but could care less about my brain.

I feel like such an idiot. I haven't heard from B all day. And I've been waiting. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed for most of the day, let alone leave the house or do any work. And nothing. Not even a response to the birthday message. I am so stupid. How did I get here? All I want to do is cry and sleep and put an end to everything. I feel so alone and unwanted and unlovable and miserable. I'm not hungry but I know I should eat. But I can't bring myself to make anything or go out and pick something up. I can't even bring myself to leave my apartment to have a cigarette. It's a good thing I have class tomorrow otherwise I wouldn't leave the house til Friday. I wish I could stop crying. I hate it when my face gets puffy and I get dehydrated. Somebody please shoot me.

Why is self-respect so elusiv?

B called me today. He had some things to say and I listened after I was done being angry and sarcastic with him. Some things about himself. Some things he had learned.

He wanted me to let him prove to him that he can make me happy. So I said okay. And I told him that the only reason I was going to let him continue to try was because I didn't want to make the same mistake with him as I did with X - letting him think things were unfixable when what I really wanted was for him to fix things.

But a couple of hours later, I realize there's another reason: What if nobody else ever loves me?

I need a hug... and a lobotomy

I should never have let him come over on Sunday. It was awful. He said he had things to say to me, that he didn't want us to break up but he choked on Saturday. So I let him come by and he still had nothing significant or meaningful to add. Just "I love you so much" and "this relationship is hard" and "I want us to be together" but no attempt to sacrifice or compromise or even discuss how we're supposed to make it work. I showed him the door after he wouldn't leave.

And then I felt like shit about that so I offered to drive him to the airport. I also sent him a long email last night saying all the things I left unsaid because I was waiting for him to speak. He read it and said we would talk today on the way to the airport. But, if possible, he had even less to say this morning. When I got home from the airport, I started writing an email when a long one came in from him. He was waiting and thinking at the departure gate. It hurts me that he can't say all those things to me in person but can write them in an email. It makes me doubt the sincerity of his emotions. I don't want a man that can't fight for what he says he wants when given so many more chances than he deserves. I don't want a man that can't look me in the eye when he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me.

So it's done. It's over. It's for the best. I did everything I could and much more than he deserved and he chose to let go, even though he promised me he wouldn't.

I spent most of the day sleeping but I'm heading out in an hour for drinks with an older friend. Several years ago, she was my mentor and adviser and has a sensible head on her shoulders. Maybe she will have something enlightening to add but what I really need is the late night company and then to come home and go straight to bed so I can have a productive day tomorrow.

The mysterious guy called me to check in. How crappy must B have behaved this weekend that one phone call from the mysterious guy could make me feel good for a few minutes? Men are such monkeyfuckers. He asked if he could keep calling me and I said of course. He has ruined me for all other men so he might as well be the only one calling me.

I realized something this weekend. I decided I would not willingly put myself in situations that I thought would make me feel stupid or foolish or humiliated. That is the most I can do to control the stupid feeling right now. The thing about the mysterious guy, yes I should have known better than to sleep with him but I had no control over his mistakes. So there's really no point feeling stupid about his actions. I'm not angry at him so I guess I have forgiven him for the mistakes he made. Given my frame of mind at the time, I think I can forgive myself for my actions. So it's time to move on from that as well.

Single

I'm single again. When did I start writing this blog? February. Eight months later and I'm alone again. I'm starting to think that I was alone all along. And maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I think the Universe is trying to tell me something. The other stuff that made me happy was just an illusion. I guess I've said that before. I'm tired. I really want to go to bed but I started washing my sheets and then ended up going out before I could put them in the dryer. I can use the other sheet set but they're a lower thread count and I want my regular sheets tonight.

B and I broke up this evening. I'm relieved and exhausted and drained. I think that's a good sign. A relationship should be rewarding right? When it gets to be too much work, then it's not worth it, right? When I'm putting in more work than he is, then it's time to end it, right? He could barely look at me tonight. That was disappointing. The fact that he didn't have a be-all and end-all solution to the problem.

Although, I admit that I felt compelled to end it because of the mysterious guy that I fell so hard for. At least I was already feeling like I had done everything I could do before I met him. I know I shouldn't have cheated but, at this point, it's irrelevant. It's over. Whatever the reasons, they're now irrelevant. It wouldn't have been right to keep B thinking everything was fine, when clearly it wasn't, and for so many reasons. There's just no way he would have been able to measure up to the older, successful, sophisticated guy who surprised me so much when I was least expecting it. I really miss him. I guess that's why I feel relieved that things are over with B.

Maybe my friend with the painted pink dress is right and it just hasn't hit me yet. Maybe it'll hit me tonight. Or tomorrow morning. Or tomorrow night when I'm at home alone instead of being at B's surprise party. Or in a few months. When I'm alone for my birthday. Or Christmas.

The words are just pouring out of my fingers tonight but I don't feel anything but sheer exhaustion and fatigue. B shoved me out of bed last night. He was lying in a star shape in the centre of the bed and I couldn't move him. I went to sleep on the couch and he didn't even ask me why this morning. Turns out my couch is pretty comfortable. Perhaps I should just sleep there tonight. But I still want my sheets. Perhaps this is a primal urge. For comfort and familiarity. Not that I'm upset or angry or bitter or resentful. I just miss the mysterious guy.

When I was having sex with B, I thought about him. When B was neglecting me at the reunion, I thought of him. I thought of him in the car on the drive up, on the drive back down, at the pub drinking a beer and talking to strange boys I must have met 14 years ago and don't remember, even though a lot of them remember me. Is it too soon to check on my sheets?

Now I'm drying one sheet at a time. Not that it will be faster but at least they will seem to dry faster.

B didn't have a lot to say to me in the last 48 hours. I was surprised by that, given his tendency to verbosity in almost every other situation. He can sure talk shit when he should listen.

Meanwhile, I just spent a few hours with my painted pink girlfriend and almost every word of that conversation was useful. Even the silences were fine. I was uncomfortable with B on Thursday night when we went for sushi. Maybe because I was thinking of the mysterious guy and how he made me laugh and B was incapable of holding my interest or even trying to find out what I was thinking. B talked about my trip to the Bahamas in November as though everything was normal. He said that we could go to Freeport and sort of leered at me. I realize that in hindsight. Maybe he was just with me for the sex. At least that was good. Our issues certainly didn't prevent him from doing all the things he did before. But perhaps I found that part of the conversation off-putting. The fact he would consider my trip in November without even acknowledging the fact that we hadn't talked in three weeks. Like I was supposed to forget that I was disappointed and frustrated with him once he tempted me with getting away to a different island. The thing is, I knew then that I wasn't going. His parents will be out of town that week and I was planning to spend most of the week with his mother because B only has one vacation day left this year.

So there's no longer any reason to go down. I hope she enjoys the maple syrup anyway. B didn't even offer to pay me back for the stuff I bought him from Costco. It's a good thing I didn't get him a birthday present. And I guess I'll keep his FCUK shirt. At this point, I'm going to a show by myself tomorrow but I'd rather go alone than take someone who won't appreciate it. I did ask the mysterious guy but he's going to a baseball game (!). Then I asked the person who introduced us and she's busy too. So I asked my painted pink girlfriend and she has a meeting. She said she would see if she could move the meeting but, at this point, I'd really rather go alone.

Is it time to check on the sheet again? It's getting there.

Another interesting thing to note was that, this time, my mother was one of the first to know. I was in the process of writing a text message to my sister so that she could tell my mother but then my mother called so I broke the "happy" news to her. I expect she's overjoyed. She never liked him. Not then and not now. I also sent a mass email out to all of the friends I have spoken to about this in the last few weeks. Perhaps that's tacky but I think that I'm going to try and spend a minimum amount of energy thinking about B from now on. If the third time isn't a charm, I don't think we were meant to be together. At least now we know for sure.

It's too late to apologize

I have been waiting all night for my phone to ring. That's my ring tone. Timbaland and One Republic. "And I need you like a heart needs a beat, But it's nothin new..."

I've always wanted the things I can't have. And I don't want the things I can have.

"I'm holding on your rope, Got me ten feet off the ground..."

And suspended I'll stay for a very long time, I think.

The others weren't like this. I resented and suffered and hated and then forgot. None of those others mattered in time. They were mistakes I needed to make. Because I need to suffer to feel human. But you have made me suffer acutely with the exquisite pain that comes with yearning and waiting and hoping and not being able to let go.

I think I was born to suffer. The words don't come when I'm at peace. I'm able to focus on other things and be busy and the illusion of happiness stays with me. But when my heart hurts, that's when I need the therapy of words. You got me with your words. And those words will stay with me for a long time. I hope that something will come around to ease that longing. I doubt it though. I thought you were a butterfly. But you were a moth. A quick jolt in the dark that leaves a memory so forceful that the feelings remain long after the experience has passed.

Like that money bat that made me scream in the night. B laughed when that happened. I remember being unimpressed that he found my fear amusing. "But it's just a money bat". Whatever the fuck those are. Big, scary, unexpected. That's what you were to me. And I'll never forget it.

I've obliterated everything. Emails, incoming calls, text messages. Every time you call, I delete your phone number. But the memories and the feelings are still here. Poignant reminders of a mistake I won't soon forget.

Blogger was down last night

I'm happy tonight.

I think I need to face the fact that other people can and do have a profound influence on the way that I am feeling, especially with respect to my self-esteem. I don't know how to fix that. I've worked so hard at being happy in the last few years that I thought I had made progress. Perhaps I haven't come as far as I thought I had.

I talked to the mysterious guy tonight. I did send him that email but he never said anything about it. And I'm 99% sure he read it tonight before I talked to him. Today, on my way to work, I dropped off his shirt at his condo. I enclosed a note saying that I wasn't angry at him, just disappointed in myself and that I hoped he would find someone who could make him happy and take care of him. He called me while I was at class. I called him back (because I'm an idiot and incapable of making a good decision). And we had a relatively normal conversation. I don't know why he wants to talk to me still. My best friend says it's because he thinks he still has a chance to get some sex. And, as cynical as I am, part of me accepts that. But that tiny bit of me that won't let hope die wants to believe that he does care.

At this point, I don't want to think about that. I want to figure out how I can handle my emotions. The last week has been such a roller coaster. Happy on Tuesday. Waiting for him to come home all week. Scared on Friday. Disappointed on Saturday. Confused on Sunday. Upset on Monday. Happy today, a week later. Why can't I keep the emotions on an even keel, despite all of the stuff that has happened? Why can't I be more like the Dalai Lama? Acknowledge them, accept them, let them go. I have accurately predicted the events and my reactions to them all week. But I still can't control the way that I feel. Is it because I can't control the way that I act and react? Is it because it's easier to do what's bad for me and I don't have the strength to make the right decisions? Maybe I actually... enjoy the emotions. I don't think so but maybe I don't want to believe that about myself. That the only way I can really truly feel anything is to do it in the extreme.

B will be here in two more sleeps. If the mysterious guy calls me tomorrow, I will ask him not to call me again this week. That I'll call him next week. I'm nervous about B being here. I know what I want. I want him to cut me loose for a year. I want him to work on getting to know me, on figuring out how to make me laugh, to take an active interest in my life. All the while, not being in a relationship with me. Selfish, isn't it? I'm such a bitch. I hate myself.

All of a sudden, I'm not quite so happy anymore.

Please let me be strong enough not to send this to him tonight

The thing that sucks is that, if you were a different guy and we were in a different place, I would say that we should just forget about this incident and move on because there is so much potential for laughter and good times and friendship and who knows what else... But I don't know you well enough to say that to you.

You said you were not good with commitment and I was okay with that. You said that you were sleeping with other people and I was okay with that too (although I probably shouldn't have been). Actually, I thought it was great for you and respected you for being honest with me. And you said all these things to me that made me think you were sincere. I completely 100% bought the line about shining more brightly than the stars. And I pretended not to hear you say that I took your breath away. That took my breath away. I was floored that you actually fixed my suede shoes. And, as I said, it turned me on that you beat me at Scrabble. I believed everything you said to me because I had no reason not to believe you. But now I just think you're one of those guys that wanted to know what the sex would be like and decided it wasn't that great. And my apologies for not warning you about that. It would have gotten better, I promise.

You said you're not one of those guys, but you just became one of those guys. I wish you would prove it to me. I want to believe that you did it inadvertently but I think I want to believe you because I did care what you thought of me and I did care how you were feeling. It bothered me to see you stressed out about work. I was happy when you were relaxed. I was comfortable just lying on the couch with you watching a movie. Or watching the news in bed. It felt right. Like I'd known you my whole life, even though I had just met you.

I am so disappointed that the one man who has made me laugh and made me think and made me just relax and forget my insecurities turned out to be just another one of those guys. I'm disappointed for being stupid and gullible. I'm tougher than that, or so I thought. Remember when I said "who are you?" That was because I really thought you were unique. If I'm being really honest with myself, even though I said I had no expectations, I did want to hope... But as I've often said, "I'm done with hope. Disappointment is much more predictable."

So my problem now is this. There's this guy who thinks he's still my boyfriend. After this weekend, he won't be. He says he wants to marry me. He thinks that he loves me. Not that I have any idea what "love" is. But he can't make me laugh and doesn't have the tiniest bit of interest in my life, or what I think or how I feel. Six months ago, I was prepared to overlook all of that. After spending 7 years thinking I loved someone who loved me right back, I learned that I was never going to be enough for anyone but this guy seems to think that I'm his everything. I don't want that anymore. I want more. My problem now is, I'd rather spend twelve hours with you than the rest of my life with him. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Dictionary disappointment

The thing is, I don't really know what just happened in the last 24 hours. Everything was fine. You were back in town, I was waiting for you to make the call and we were going to spend a few hours being witty and charming and funny and then have ridiculously sinful sex. Instead, I am left feeling like a complete fool. I feel cheap and used and betrayed and disappointed and alone. Not that I'm justified in feeling that way, because I'm not your girlfriend. I guess I wanted to be more than just the late night cuddle call but I told myself every day "he's not the boyfriend, you have a boyfriend." I wish I hadn't let you in so easily.

You were like the dictionary: all the right words in all the right places. How did I fall for that? I guess that makes me a word whore. And Scrabble too. You had me well and good with Scrabble. That's why I did what I did that night. Because you beat me at Scrabble. I respected you for that. I guess I can't respect myself and someone else at the same time.

The effect of this entire episode is that I have completely lost any trust in a man's sincerity. In future, if I hear "you're beautiful" or "you're funny" or "you take my breath away" or, god forbid, "Why would I look at the stars or the boats? You're shining brighter than anything else tonight", I'll just laugh and walk away with my dignity and self-respect.

Right now, I hate you for making me feel like just another fish in the sea. All of your words and actions were an experiment, weren't they? Just designed to see what would work on me and what would turn me off. When you said you were a bad guy, I didn't see it. That you were using me for something different than I was using you. Shame on me for not being perceptive enough. Yes, I am an idiot. For not seeing what you were doing to me. I thought you were just putting yourself out there. But did I see the man behind the mask? I don't think so. I used you for company, to help me feel like the world wasn't such a big, empty, lonely place. What did I take from you that you didn't need? I needed the crumbs of my self-esteem and I thought you were giving those to me for free. I didn't realize I would end up paying such a high price.

How did I become this invested so quickly? I realized the whole time that you just wanted sex. You said so yourself. That you're not good with commitment. I hope that the other two girls you're playing with are more resilient than I am. Because resilient I am not. I cry and self-destruct. Although, arguably, this whole thing was part of the larger self-destruction that is my life. I wanted you to be different. Why? Maybe I wanted some reason to hope, to not be disappointed, to believe in love. Whatever that word means. I don't think I will ever know.

I still have your shirt. It doesn't smell like you anymore. I was hoping to exchange it for another one to get me through the next 4 days. And I think you would have appreciated that trade. You do seem very attached to that shirt. I'll probably wear it to bed again tonight. It feels soft against my breasts. Your hands would have felt better but I'll forget about that in time. Just another pair of hands wanting to touch and squeeze and caress and play. Yours were nicer than others but that feeling will pass. Maybe you'll call me when you remember that I have it and I'll tell you to shove it up your ass. Maybe you won't call because you'll be smart and decide to buy another one. Just leave it alone. Please leave it alone. I need to heal and forget and become hardened and cynical.

I'm giving up on hope now. Disappointment is much more predictable.

Disappointment is inevitable

I was right. Hope is soul-crushing and disappointment is far more predictable.

He was texting someone else last night. Huge blow to my self-esteem. He did apologize profusely for being an idiot but there aren't any words that can erase this hole that he just blew in the centre of my chest cavity.

I just deleted all of the text messages, emails, facebook messages, his cell number from my phone, shredded his business card, blocked and deleted him off MSN and put him on limited profile on facebook. Maybe if I obliterate all signs of him, it's like I won't have ever felt any of this. Hopefully I have finally learned my lesson this time around.

I'm not sure what to do with his $70 Hugo Boss t-shirt though. Maybe I'll set fire to it. That might be therapeutic. I'm joking, obviously. I wouldn't ever do anything that melodramatic. Drama is just not in my nature.

Epiphany in a vacuum

Love is an illusion.
I have never known what it is
What the word means
But whatever I thought I knew
I now know to be false.
Love does not exist.
That feeling that someone else
Could contribute something
To my life,
Could make me happy,
Is transient.
Nothing is permanent.
Everything ends.
Some things sooner than others.
Most relationships,
All attraction,
Every feeling
And thought.
Love is not real.
Happiness is an illusion.
Nothing really exists.
It was all just a figment
Of my hypersensitive imagination.
Hoping, dreaming, waiting, feeling.
Everything is nothing.
Nothing is real.

I'm an idiot

I'm such a fool. If he didn't have my number until I called him, does that mean he thought he was texting someone else? There were two messages that didn't make sense. I thought he was just tired. But now I realize that they might have been out of context, because he thought I was someone else. I feel like an idiot now. Should I bring this up with him? Does it matter? Obviously I care but why? Is it just that I don't like feeling stupid or is it more than that? Maybe I do care what he was thinking when he wrote those messages. If they weren't intended for me, they didn't mean anything. So how could something meaningless affect the way that I felt at the time? I was confused, and that was partly the reason for calling him. To talk to him. But I was also happy to just get the messages. Am I really that pathetic?

Hopefully an alternative explanation will present itself in the morning. If not, I guess I'll have to figure out a way to not feel stupid. Or just care less about feeling stupid. He must think I'm an idiot. Why do I care what he thinks about me?

Baby spit up, cupcakes and other charming things

Today was a pretty decent day. I spent several hours with Piglet and her mom and it was fun. We got so much done today. We ran errands, had lunch, she showered and pumped breast milk. Piglet is so much bigger now than she was when I last saw her three weeks ago and she even smiled at me today! It was more likely related to the farting and the subsequent HUGE POOP that she did. But it was still super cute. It was even cute when she spit up on me! Who knew that baby spit up could be so charming? Granted, it was breast milk spit up, but at least she didn't poop on me.

The reason I went over there was because the furnace guy was coming over between 8 am and 1 pm. And he did show up, at 2 pm, while she was breast feeding. Typical, right? She kept saying how glad she was that I came over and I was so happy to be there. The initial weeks after Piglet was born were pretty overwhelming but I think that things are starting to come together which I find immensely reassuring. Perhaps one day, I might be able to be someone's mommy too.

After spending the day with them, I came home and baked chocolate zucchini cupcakes which turned out to be pretty awesome. And after that, I went back to the same neighbourhood and had sushi and played Tumbling Tower and euchre with friends. I have to admit, I had more fun than I thought I would. And we were sober!

I did get to talk to the mysterious guy tonight. I sent him a text message to find out how his trip was and he replied back and completely made me laugh. That made me feel good. I called him on my way home from dinner and we chatted for a bit. It turns out his trip was awful and he also got a new phone so he didn't have my number and he said he was glad that I phoned him. I don't know if I'll see him this weekend but I hope that I do. I keep expecting to be disappointed any second now which would be... helpful since B is coming up on Thursday.

I really need to sort out whatever is going on in my brain. I could get so attached to this mysterious guy if I let myself. Perhaps I'm just deluding myself into believing I'm not already invested... It's just that he makes me smile and I really like that.