Regrets

I wish I had let him make the decision. I wish I had said to him, "you're going to have to decide whether or not you want to be with me". I will always regret being the one to end this. I wonder if he is thinking about me. Noticing when my fb status changes. Wondering about the MSN tag lines. Missing my presence. Maybe he's glad to have his apartment all to himself all weekend. Maybe he's happier on his own. I wish I could call him and ask him if I made the right decision.

Usually, when I make a decision, I know it is right and I'm able to stand behind it. And I can make decisions quickly. This one didn't feel right, doesn't feel right and I don't know if it will ever feel right. I don't think it is one that I can undo. I suppose I could swallow my pride and phone him but he could do the same!

I know that I need to relearn how to be single and happy at the same time. I have so many regrets about my relationships this year. Maybe I need to start making decisions differently. Maybe I need to stop and think before I decide to become involved, and ask myself "will I regret this in a year?" How is it possible to know the answer to that question? In the past, I have always jumped in, my philosophy being that it's better to regret having taken the chance than to let it slip away. Perhaps it's time to start being less decisive? I have no idea. I don't trust my instincts or my judgement with men anymore.

I read some of my old journal entries. I was happy at one point. August 2006 driving across Canada by myself. The rest of the year was mostly unhappy. This year has been mostly unhappy. I am so confused. Everything hurts.

October 11, 2007
"I'm in danger of figuring out what love is. I really like [Grey]. There are some significant things that might prevent this from lasting longer than a few weeks...

I really hope this is going somewhere but I'm full aware that it could fizzle out or crash and burn and I think I would be left very hurt. I like the way he holds my hand when we're walking or when he's just falling asleep.

I'm so glad that he called me on Saturday. Sunday afternoon and Monday evening were perfect. I don't want to lose whatever this is right now but I also understand that I have very little control over what happens and I hope I will never regret making the decision to go along with this. It really scares me but, at the same time, it all just seems to fit. I really do like him a lot."