Friday, December 28, 2007

More of the same old nothing bullshit

I miss him so much that it hurts. Usually, this sort of anguish brings words but I've got nothing. How can he not feel this way too? I know breakups are hard but this one has been even harder than the rest. I think I might be suffering from borderline depression. I don't want to get up off the couch. I have been using cough syrup with codeine and hours of TV to avoid the thoughts in my head. The phone barely rings. My plans for tonight fell through at 11 after I finally text messaged so I didn't have dinner til midnight. I'm not really eating although I have been baking cookies today.

Actually, I did go to the mall for no other reason than it had stopped raining and I wanted to go to Chapters. Perhaps now that Christmas is over, it will get easier. But I find myself wishing there was an easy way out. Or an easier way to refill the cough syrup with codeine. I need to date a doctor. And a pharmacist. Part of me is glad I deleted him off fb and MSN but I'm very conscious that now I have no way of knowing what he's doing other than to drive past his place and see if the lights are on. And even I won't stoop that low. Not that I can see in the windows anyway. They're too high up. So it would be a waste of time. And yes, I have binoculars but I'm not that desperate. What if I died while I was doing that? Then the whole world would know how sad and pathetic and desperate I am. I hate myself right now. How did I get here?

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