Homeowner

I'm back online. It turns out Bell can't provide me with internet service in my new building so I had to switch to Rogers. I finally set up my computer but the place is still a disaster. The living room is full of boxes and there's a lot of work to do. It turns out the work of a homeowner is never done. It's overwhelming and exhausting so I'm going back to bed for a nap. My coworker was supposed to get married today but dodged that bullet and is having a party to celebrate her singleness. It's going to be a long day. There's other stuff going on too. MFV moved here last weekend and I really don't want to see him or talk to him but I can't abandon him now. So much has happened in the last three months that I can't possibly begin to recap it all. It turns out we're totally incompatible as a couple. It's ironic how I can be sexually compatible with someone and not able communicate with him at all. Shades of Grey. Our communication really deteriorated in April and May and we haven't really spoken at all in June. He still thinks he can try but, the truth is, there is another. The other doesn't seem promising at the moment and the whole thing hurts my heart. At least I'm not homeless anymore.

Ready

I'm ready. Ready to go back to work. Ready to buy a place. Ready to be a homeowner and make mortgage payments. Ready to pick out paint colours and buy furniture and tear my hair out trying to figure out how to replace carpet with laminate and how the hell baseboards work. I'm ready to get a dog and for MFV to move to Toronto and for us to live happily ever after. On balance, we have had a really great month together. Maybe part of the reason for that is because we knew that we might eventually not be together anymore. But I think a big reason is that we're right for each other. He still has a lot of growing to do. I have a bit of growing to do also. I really hope that we end up together but I accept that many things could change... or that nothing might change at all. Fingers crossed and eyes wide open. Better go to bed. 4 more sleeps until I get on a plane. He cried today. Sssshh, don't tell him I told you that!

Relationships

Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!

Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.

The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...

I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.

This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.

However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Just say no. Don't be a Schmalentine.

Redacted

Some of you may have an entry in your reader which does not appear on my blog. I chose to delete it. I talked to MFV online today. He sent me an email which helped me understand that I was being completely neurotic and overthinking his response. So I think I will refrain from posting about him and our relationship for the next little while. There are plenty of other things I can gripe about.

Anti-douchebag

MFV just left. We had a really great weekend. Not just because we had fun but because he is a really great guy. A good man. In fact, he is almost the man I need him to be. Amazing what three years can do to a 24 year old. Despite one long year of not speaking to each other (2007-2008), our friendship has stayed tight. I rely on him like nobody else and, this weekend, I realized what it means to have a man around who is capable of being a grown up. He took care of me which felt so good. He helped me make decisions. He was quiet when I disappeared into my thoughts. He was protective and thoughtful and responsible and considerate. I want that from a man, and the douchebags, while entertaining, pale in comparison to him.

For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.

Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...

When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.

Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.

I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.

He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.

Productive weekend

I had a really good weekend. By the time 5 pm rolled around on Friday, I had zero plans and a full weekend of nothing ahead of me. I purposely didn't schedule anything because my life has felt so overscheduled and crazy busy recently. I just wanted some me time. Time at home to unwind and rest and settle down to yet another fall in this city.

My token male grad student friend (who happens to also be gay) ended up inviting me over for a BBQ just before I left the office and it ended up being a truly entertaining evening. How come gay men are so much more interesting to talk to than straight men? Also, his friends are super cute so that didn't hurt either.

On Saturday I literally lay on the couch all day and watched TV. I did leave the house twice. Once to visit with my septuagenarian friends who left for India today and may not return to Canada. The second time to pick up the paper.

Today, I met my belly dance teacher for brunch and did a bit of shopping on Queen Street. There are a ton of sales on right now, I guess in preparation for Christmas inventory. I bought three serving platters from Urban Barn and then went next door to a furniture store and bought a stool which I have been searching for for ages.


It looks like this but is standard chair height. My dining table is small so I wanted something I could stow under it and just pull out when I have an extra person over.

Speaking of which, MFV is coming to visit in two weeks on his way to Morocco. I'm nervous and excited to see him after 3 years and worried that my expectations (which I can't quite seem to define, even in my head) are too high.

And, for good measure, an update on my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper -- check!
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library -- check!
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets -- check!
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap -- check!
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

Cupid Shuffle

Happy Schmalentine's Day everyone.

This is from me to all of you... enjoy! (Turn on your sound too)
http://www.care2.com/send/card/6336

Better

Emotionally, anyway. I talked to my former Valentine last night when I got into bed and he made me laugh. Physically, I feel like I got hit by a train. Jagermeister is not my friend. Ugh. I need to do some work and then go to a baby warming event. I hope the baby isn't screaming when I get there. I'm hopped up on pain meds as it is and can't take anything for the hangover. Ugh.

Prosecco and dancing chased by Advil and naps

I had a very, very good time at the wedding. Granted, I only started to have a very, very good time after my fourth glass of Prosecco but I refuse to let my hangover taint my memory of last night. I think I was only outrageously, embarrassingly drunk when I drunk-dialled my former Valentine but he deserves it for being such a... I was going to write "jerk" but I can't. I miss him and still shed tears about how things are between us now. It's such a fine line.

The wedding was at a U of T college church and was lovely. Short and sweet and touching. Both the bride and the groom cried; the groom started it. There were some funny moments. The reception was at the Gardiner ceramic museum. I had no idea it even existed. The room overlooks the ROM crystal and the light made it seem as though the sun was perpetually setting. The catering was Jamie Kennedy and the service was excellent. It was a very cool wedding. The DJ was really good and I meant to ask for a card for Baby and Delorean but they're probably way outside their price range. The venue was gorgeous, the wedding was fun, the speeches were funny and I had a surprisingly good time. While I still think that love and marriage is crap, and that marriage should be a business arrangement first and foremost, they're a good couple and I hope it will last.

The only dicey incident was ending up at the bride's brother's apartment afterwards and the ensuing bedroom-balcony peep show photos that are likely to end up on facebook. Fortunately, I don't think I'm actually in any of them. A might have some problems with the bride over those. Her brother is very cute and gives great hugs. If he wasn't her brother... actually no, he's not my type. But still, very cute.

One of the cousins gave me his card and an open invitation to NYC. I've never been to NYC. I just never got around to going. I would really like to spend a few days though. Maybe next fall after I've saved up a bit.

I think I need to go back to bed and wait for the Advil to kick in. By the time I walked home at 4 am, I was stone-cold sober, in pain from walking around in ridiculous heels and ready for sleep. But A's mother called me and, stupidly, I answered my phone. She sent me back to collect her daughter at 5 am so I had to go pick her up and drive her home. I bet she's glad she doesn't live in the city anymore.

Funny Valentine

I decided to keep the card. I sent Grey a Valentine's email instead. I thought it was pretty funny. And then I got a "thanks for thinking of me but I'm going to the game tonight" email in response. I wasn't expecting anything from him. I should have expected less. I didn't think I would end up feeling quite so unspecial.

Fortunately, my sanity and self-esteem were preserved for the most part by spending the evening with good friends and baby. Shortly after I got home, Grey sent me an email. "Are you still up!" The incorrect use of the exclamation mark bothered me only slightly. It was followed closely by a Valentine's Day booty call which I politely declined on account of having to work tomorrow. How charming. I'm not sure what to do next though as I did say he should try booty calling tomorrow night. Overall, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Strong for not caving in to him even though I want to see him so much.

Then, someone in the blogosphere made me laugh. Let's call him Asshat, because that's what he calls himself. I discovered a new blog recently. soveryalone.com. Asshat leaves comments that make me laugh. He's unlikely to be that funny in reality but I could care less because I'm not what I appear to be either. But he did make me laugh again today. He quoted me My Funny Valentine. I'm still smiling so I'm choosing to take that smile to sleep tonight. Hopefully it will fight off the tears for one night.

Just say no

I bought Grey a Valentine's card today. On the front, it says "Valentine's Day" and there's a cutout window to the inside of the card. Inside, there's a button. On the button, there's a heart with a line through it (like the No Smoking symbol) and the inside of the card says "Just Say No".

I'm not 100% sure that I'll give it to him yet. I bought the card with the intention of giving it to him but I like it enough to keep it for myself. The button specifically.

The friend that introduced us invited me out to drinks with some of her other coworkers this Friday. I'd like to go but I'm not sure if I'm up for it right now. On the one hand, I will likely meet some interesting people. On the other hand, it's snowy and cold out there and I hate arriving alone. Plus, what if Grey somehow ends up there? I'm not sure I would be able to handle that. I guess I should ask myself why I think it's a good idea to send him a Valentine then.

[1.05 AM, February 10, 2008]
Update: He wasn't there. It wasn't a large group. And we ended up at a difficult location. The place where Grey and I "got back together" after the other woman hiatus and right after I broke up with B. The night before I wrote this blog entry. I couldn't help missing him most of the time. Remembering the things that happened the last time I was there. Remembering how happy I felt after that night. I feel stupid. He probably doesn't even think about me anymore. Meanwhile I'm exhausted all the time with missing him. How do I break out of this cycle? Some people might say "find someone new" but I don't want anyone else. I want Grey.

Back

I'm back. The daily grind has been more hectic than anything else.

Two Fridays ago, I wrote my last exam ever, I think. I hope I don't do something crazy and actually enrol in any more courses next year. I was excited to take all of these courses but I have to say that I have been disappointed by the level of teaching at this university. Two of the five courses have been enjoyable. That is to say, stimulating and challenging and rewarding. Three have been stressful for no reason other than the professor was a tyrannical grumpus. Oh, it's just occurring to me that I have enjoyed the courses taught by female professors but not by male professors. Hmm...

I am supposed to be starting on my thesis proposal but I just can't seem to motivate myself. The weather has turned all nice and sunny. I'm appreciative of this. Normally I would wish it to be cold and grey and rainy but I'm enjoying the heat and the light. Damn this province. I need to get away from here quickly. I was sick when I wrote that exam and the cough won't go away. I've been taking cough syrup with codeine but I think that that one little teaspoon taken at night makes me groggy and lethargic for 24 hours. I didn't take it last night but I did sleep a lot today. I also got my period two weeks early. Just after B left, there was a clot of very red blood, about the size of a my fingernail. I don't want to think about what it might have been. I have been very unproductive for over a week now.

I have a week left to do my taxes. I hate taxes. I am having dim sum tomorrow morning so that may motivate me to come home and be productive. It's unlikely but you never know. I suppose I could always nap away the afternoon.

Monday afternoon I am driving X's parents home from the hospital. X's dad will be having his second radiation treatment. I have never seen anyone after a radiation treatment and I'm worried how he will look and feel and my reaction to that and also whether or not he will be uncomfortable squashed into my small car. Perhaps that is trivial but there will be the usual QEW traffic so the drive home could be an hour if not more, even though the distance is a scant 25 km or less.

Tuesday I think I will go into the office to check out my new cubicle. I'm very excited about this even though I only plan to be in the office one day a week, if that. If it's a window, I might consider going in on weekends. Too bad the office is so far away. Rather, too bad gas is so damn expensive. Anyway, I'll deal with that later.

I'm going to the Bahamas again in 25 days. B's best friend is getting married and they invited me to the wedding. B said that this was an important enough event that he wants me to be there so he paid for the flight and I'll pay him back when I get down there. I'm excited and nervous and distracted. I'm looking forward to it, I think.

He was very good to me while he was here. He bought me a ring and a new pair of Skechers and paid for groceries for the party and bought me my new shiny Brita filter. He took me out to breakfast and lunch and dinner. He cuddled and caressed and cooked. He stayed out of my way when I was studying and quietly let me sleep in. And I was a complete and total raving bitch. I was sleep-deprived and stressed and awful to him. I was anxious to be gone when I dropped him off at the airport so that I could finish my paper and start studying. I was happy to have my bed back with my clean 983742 thread count sheets and all my pillows to myself. I eradicated all traces of boy from the apartment the weekend after he left. Perhaps I don't deserve him.

Things have been a bit rough with us. I guess I'll be honest here because it's my blog and because nobody is reading it. I'm not sure if I can go through with this. I want to but I'm not sure if I love him. I have told him that I do. I know, it's an awful thing to confess. But he wanted to hear it, he needed to hear it, so I said it. But I don't even know what it means to love anymore. And I'm beginning to think that I never knew what it meant. I think about X sometimes and I wonder if we loved each other. Sometimes I still cry when I think about him and I regret what happened. I miss him. I know now that I pushed him away and everything fell apart because he didn't have the strength or the desire to resist. Perhaps it was the right decision but I'm not sure if I will ever be convinced of that and I don't think that I will ever get over it.

I think about my Valentine and how I almost believed that he was strong enough to be my man. But he wasn't. He left like all the rest. When I pushed him away. After weeks and months of being a terrible person. I miss him too. The way he always knew how to make me laugh. The way that he would call me on it when I was full of shit. The way that he wanted to be good at salsa dancing so that he could show me off and show off to me. The way that he said, "come on, you can talk to me."

And I push B away. Hard. And often. I can't figure out if I'm sabotaging this, as I do with everything. Or maybe in my soul I don't feel that this is right and that's why I push him away. I argue with him over trivial matters. Sometimes it even seems trivial at the time but I can't let it go. The way that he communicates. The insensitive things that he says. And I'm unable to distinguish the things that trigger my emotions and separate out what is rational and logical from the irrational and emotional. It's unfair to him but I don't know how to change my responses and my reactions.

I know that I push. I push hard and I'm not a nice person. So far he has said that he wants to work on it, that he knows that it won't be easy, that he won't let me go, that I'm stuck with him. Is that what I want? What I need? Am I that kind of woman? I think so. I want him to hold on and not let go while I push and struggle and scream and cry. I want him to break through to the other side. I need him to prove to me that this is what he really wants. And that's the only way I think I will believe that he's sincere.

I know, it's a terrible thing. I don't know what happened in my past to make me this person. I want to be a different person. I want to be nice and sweet and sensitive and caring and generous. I want to love myself the way that he clearly loves me but I don't know how. I wonder, until I can love myself, how can I love anyone else? And I think, how can I expect anyone else to love me, if I can't love myself? Is this the ultimate vicious cycle?

Unsent email to my former would-be Valentine

So, you've had a week to get out of town, think about things and maybe process a little bit.

I will likely not send you this email but I wanted to write it because there are some things bothering me and I need to get them out of my head.

I realize that you must have been very angry when I talked to you last week because I don't think that you would normally have lashed out at me with some of the things that you said. But, for some reason, I feel the need to defend myself. I shouldn't care at all about this because I'm finally happy.

So here are the three things that I feel I need to straighten out with you.

1. There was nothing going on before. Nothing. MSN conversations, forwarded emails, drunk dialled calls on Skype from him to me when I was up late studying. That was it. Think what you will but that's the truth.

2. You said that it doesn't say a lot for what we had before. What did we have before? Phone calls. Emails. One visit. Some good laughs. Bad timing. Not once were you open and forthcoming about how you felt about me. Except to say that you were too scared to come visit me because you didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Just because I'm at grad school, that doesn't mean that time stands still. We agreed not to consider the other person in our major life decisions. Neither of us was going to wait for the other. You said yourself that you're thinking about buying property. You wanted to sit on the fence because you couldn't commit. I was never sitting on the fence next to you.

After your birthday and then Valentine's Day, you knew how I felt about you. You could have done what you needed to do to get what you wanted. The fact that you didn't tells me that you didn't want it bad enough. I know that because X did the exact same thing 4 years ago. I can recognize it now.

3. And actually, if I'm being really honest, whatever might have been in the past year was lost for good the week before I left. I haven't been through a week that bad for a very long time. I can't remember the last time. Being sick, scared of the thyroid thing, my family thing, with two tough midterms was all a bit too much for me.

I thought that I could make you understand by being honest with you. I've only ever told one person before that I have seriously considered ending my life. But apparently, even that wasn't enough for you to realize that it was never about you. You said that you didn't know who you were getting. You were getting me.

I've said it before and I'll say it to you again. Every single guy who has wanted in changed his mind. Without fail. You are just one more of those guys. And that is really disappointing because I thought that I had finally found a man who was strong enough. I was wrong. Again. And I found out the hard way - when I needed you most to overlook all of my failings and weaknesses. To get past all of your own neuroses and ask yourself what was really going on. To look beyond your own universe and find out what was going on in mine.

Oh yeah, there was one other thing. You said that seeing my personal messages online really hurt you. I didn't do that on purpose. As far as I know, you are never online. If you're lurking and hiding, I can't be responsible for what you may or may not see. If I had thought there was any possibility you would see that stuff, I would have been more sensitive. I didn't post all of the photos until after I had told you because I wanted you to hear it from me and not see it online and make your own inferences. I'm sorry that you were hurt by that. But if you're not going to let people know that you're around, you can't expect them to consider your feelings.

Undoubtedly, you will think whatever you want about me. I went down there alone to look for some time and space to relax and unwind and leave all of the depression and sadness behind. What I found was unexpected and unbelievable and wonderful and surreal and comfortable and happy. So I'm going to hold onto it with everything I have and do whatever it takes to make it work.

I'm happy now. Finally. I think I deserve that.

Endings and beginnings

I talked to my neglectful Valentine today. He was angry. Lashed out at me. Questioned the sincerity of everything I had ever told him. Said that it didn't say a lot about what we had before if it could just vanish in a week. Insinuated that something must have been going on before my trip. It stung and burned but my feelings must be a fraction of his right now. So I won't hold it against him and I will try to let go of him and our friendship.

What did we have before? Phone calls. A promise to see me again once some time before I graduated. Fear of seeing me again because he didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Expecting me to read his mind to figure out how he felt about me. No expectations or promises or the other safety features of a relationship. We were never a couple. We were never able to figure out whether we had ever dated. Just a few salsa classes, a movie here and there, some laughs and some faded kisses. We had one opportunity to have sex but he couldn't quite...

I didn't tell him that I knew within 48 hours of being in Nassau that I wanted to be with B. That I've finally found something that feels right. Something that makes me feel good. That I'm happy now. That I no longer want to kill myself but I want us to both live for a very long time and be healthy and have kids. Me planning kids. Plural. The world is topsy-turvy and shiny and wonderful.

I told him there was nothing that I could say that would make him feel better. That would make him believe me. That all the things I said to him were sincere and true. The fact that he questions our history now makes me realize some things. Ah, hindsight. He wanted to sit on the fence because he was afraid and selfish. But, just because I'm at school, that doesn't mean that time and people stand still. Change happens. And while he was waiting, I found the man that I need in my life.

I said that B had asked me to marry him and that I had said yes. It isn't official. But he has told me that he wants our future to be together, "your mission, should you choose to accept it" and I told him that I would.

B and I talked about our children today. He said he was picturing them last night. My eyes, his lips, drop-dead gorgeous. That he would need a shotgun if we have daughters. We were on the phone for over 10 hours until he eventually fell asleep and started snoring. Thank the internet for Skype.

It feels like I'm falling... but not into space. Into the comfortable, familiar armchair in the warm, sunny patch by the living room window with a great view.

Valentine Schmalentine

Stupid chocolatey pink retardedness.

Although my Valentine seems to have ignored my request. So perhaps I'm feeling just a tad neglected and bitter and unloved and unworthy.

I finished packing for my trip. Just the overnight stuff to go in my carry-on now. And I have to figure out how to pack the maple syrup so that it doesn't blow up all over my stuff.