Grey is strange

I had dinner yesterday in Maple with Grey, his former admin assistant who is on mat leave, her husband and their two kids in their giant house with 4 bedrooms. She is a ducking phenomenal cook so it was totally worth it. Hamburgers from scratch to die for, mashed potatoes with sweet potatoes and his mother makes dried sausages from scratch as well. Nothing I ate last night was not excellent.

And it was so cute and cozy and domestic with the kids. I helped their 4-year old daughter, play with her Playdough which was totally fun once she warmed up to me. And their 3 month old... well, who doesn't love 3 month old babies with BIG.BLUE.EYES who giggle at you?

So, we're sitting around and Grey is saying how adorable they are and how they have this beautiful house and stuff. Then he says, "I want one". So I say, "what? a huge house?" And he says, "no, a kid". So I said, "well don't look at me!" Everyone laughed and Martha said that she keeps telling Grey he should just marry me. I almost ran out of the house screaming. Could you imagine? Me and Grey trapped in a huge house in Maple with kids. Holy mother of God. It's a good thing I was two glasses of red wine in by then.

Anyway, we left at 11 because he supposedly had another date. Which he told me about before he invited me to dinner with them so that was fine. Martha rolled her eyes at him when he said it before we left and asked me why I put up with his crap. That may be one of the great mysteries of the Universe. Like subatomic particles and the dimensions of time.

But this is when it started to get weird. He held my hand in the car. He hates holding my hand unless we're sleeping. There was one time I tried to hold his hand in public and he yelled at me. Weirdo nutjob. And then, when I got out of the car and said, "so call me if she doesn't put out" (I was trying to be funny and it worked), he said, "well don't go thinking now that if I don't call you I'm having sex with someone else". Weird right? Why would he tell me he is going to meet someone else and then worry about what I think he's doing? It makes no sense to me.

Boys are strange.

Mrs Chuck Bartowski

Yay!!!!! I get to keep my husband!!! :D

As so often happens, Fish inspired this post. And GH got it going with his announcement that I get to be Mrs Chuck Bartowski for another season.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY!!!!


Reasons to date a divorced guy with kid:

1. No big fat stupid wedding
2. No wedding at all...?
3. No pressure to create progeny
4. No labour or delivery (hopefully)
5. No (or little) responsibility for misbehaving children (not that I have met his)
6. Birth control baby, birth control!
7. Grown up conversations
8. Good listening skills
9. A sense of priorities
10. No games

Break

I'm feeling marginally better today. I was pretty exhausted yesterday and I needed a mental break from all of the office politics and fan-shit.

I just wish that I could reach out and ask someone for a hug. Or something. The worst part of being alone is that nobody in the world knows how much I am faking being okay.

Yesterday evening, I went to a Raptors Schmaptors game with my friend J. He is a good friend. There has never been anything more than friendship between us. I can talk to him and not worry about pretending to be someone different. But, more importantly, I can just sit and hang out with him without talking and that's just as okay as when we are talking. It was nice to just go to the game and watch it and only talk some of the time.

It was also somewhat comforting to know that he and his wife are not happily married in newlywed bliss. She doesn't work because he makes loads of money. They just bought a huge new house but she had no concept of a budget. The market is crap right now so they're not going to get what they expected for his condo. He seemed a bit stressed about the whole situation. It's not that I'm looking to replace her but I consider it validation of our friendship that he suggested she go to a movie with a friend while he was at the game with me. It was nice to feel like somebody wanted my company. Especially because I thought he would just disappear from my life post-wedding. Plus, the Raps won! Who knew they could do that??

It was also just nice to sit and watch the game with a man. There, I said it. It's so anti-feminist but it was comfortable.

Yakkety yak, don't talk back?

I sent this email to A earlier in the day. She emailed me venting that her current romantic interest is a bit stoic and she worries he can't be there for her emotionally.

__________________________________________________________________________

Well, only you can decide what, or who, is best for you. You might have to accept though that you won't find a man while you're living in the UK who is able to be there emotionally for you. The Brits just aren't like that. I'm sure you've said the same of [her British aunt] right? (Insert [our mutual friend's] voice here telling you to move back). I'm not sure that North American men are that much better though.

I've thought for some time now that women have too high expectations of men. I really don't believe that it's possible for a man to be everything to a woman, especially the emotional support that we need daily. That's what girlfriends are for. I think that, once you accept that, it's much easier to give guys (not just boyfriends but all men friends in general) a break for not being able to articulate themselves about everything the way we do.

When I think about the one or two women I know who are truly happy in their relationships, I realize it's because they don't have unrealistic expectations of their husbands to be the sole person in their lives from whom they derive all levels of support - physical, emotional and spiritual. I always use Mrs Happy as a good example. She and Mr Happy hang out, they're friends, they're comfortable with each other and they don't fight. He cooks and cleans and does the dishes. He shovels snow and cleans the car and drives her around places. He's there for her when she has family responsibilities. He basically does just about anything she asks but is never a doormat. The one thing though that has always struck me about them is this: Mrs Happy doesn't sit around and chat to Mr Happy about everything the way she does with me and Baby. In fact, when we do that, Mr Happy usually leaves the room. Men aren't programmed evolutionarily for that type of interaction. I have stopped expecting it from just about all men.

There's a way to have a conversation with a guy friend about "chick" stuff that doesn't leave them feeling completely overwhelmed and I find those types of interactions satisfying in a different way. It's a way to "vent" about stuff without getting worked up or upset. It's not as cathartic as talking to girlfriends but it usually gives me a different - more realistic - perspective on the situation. I never get the same type of support from J or My Married Friend or any of my guy friends that I do from you or Baby or Mrs Happy . So why would I expect it from a boyfriend?

I can talk to C le V for an hour about random stuff and he does make me laugh but I'm not going to waste that hour talking about my feelings unless they pertain directly to the way he made me feel. I always call you or Baby if I need to talk about feelings crap before I talk to C le V. Maybe that means I have settled but I'm okay with that. I don't expect him to know how to make me feel better by saying the right thing at the right time. I'm starting to think that's an unreasonable expectation to have of any man. That's what my girlfriends are for.

I really think you should read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The first chapter alone is worth spending the half hour to understand how men's brains work (or don't, as the case may be!)

Anyway, I'm actually going back to bed. I've been up for an hour working but I'm freezing and still not feeling 100%. I'm going back to bed for a bit in the hope that I will be more productive mid morning.

Talk tomorrow?

Me

Sweet

Last night I was in so much pain that I forgot to blog about a most charming story. I was at A's parent's house hanging out with septuagenarians. One couple lives across the street from me and they are highly educated and highly entertaining. At one point, wife said how lucky she was to have someone supportive in her life who encouraged her to do her PhD. Husband responded with "who was that?" and she said "my husband". He said "I did that?!" and they both laughed. Then I said "no it was the other husband" and they went off on a tangent about harems and how he can't remember his compliments anymore because he has too many wives. The moment was sweet and wonderful in it's sincere simplicity. They are my gold standard for old people relationships. If I can't have that, I don't want anything.

On a more positive note, someone sent me a message today on PoF and he used punctuation!

I'm getting up from my desk now. I worked for 10 hours today and my butt is sore.

But before I do that, I have to mention that Grey put up a new profile photo on facebook today and it's outrageously hot. It was all I could do to not comment or text message him. But it makes me want to rip my clothes off and hurl my naked body at him. Wait, I think I used that line about another francophone recently. In the photo, he has his typical "look" on his face. The one that says, "I have no interest in what this person is saying and I would rather be at home sitting on the couch smoking a j but I'm faking politeness because you're not the woman I am currently bending over the back of the couch and I have to pretend to be nice to you." Yes, the man is a jackass. A hot jackass. And I want him. NOW.

Prosecco and dancing chased by Advil and naps

I had a very, very good time at the wedding. Granted, I only started to have a very, very good time after my fourth glass of Prosecco but I refuse to let my hangover taint my memory of last night. I think I was only outrageously, embarrassingly drunk when I drunk-dialled my former Valentine but he deserves it for being such a... I was going to write "jerk" but I can't. I miss him and still shed tears about how things are between us now. It's such a fine line.

The wedding was at a U of T college church and was lovely. Short and sweet and touching. Both the bride and the groom cried; the groom started it. There were some funny moments. The reception was at the Gardiner ceramic museum. I had no idea it even existed. The room overlooks the ROM crystal and the light made it seem as though the sun was perpetually setting. The catering was Jamie Kennedy and the service was excellent. It was a very cool wedding. The DJ was really good and I meant to ask for a card for Baby and Delorean but they're probably way outside their price range. The venue was gorgeous, the wedding was fun, the speeches were funny and I had a surprisingly good time. While I still think that love and marriage is crap, and that marriage should be a business arrangement first and foremost, they're a good couple and I hope it will last.

The only dicey incident was ending up at the bride's brother's apartment afterwards and the ensuing bedroom-balcony peep show photos that are likely to end up on facebook. Fortunately, I don't think I'm actually in any of them. A might have some problems with the bride over those. Her brother is very cute and gives great hugs. If he wasn't her brother... actually no, he's not my type. But still, very cute.

One of the cousins gave me his card and an open invitation to NYC. I've never been to NYC. I just never got around to going. I would really like to spend a few days though. Maybe next fall after I've saved up a bit.

I think I need to go back to bed and wait for the Advil to kick in. By the time I walked home at 4 am, I was stone-cold sober, in pain from walking around in ridiculous heels and ready for sleep. But A's mother called me and, stupidly, I answered my phone. She sent me back to collect her daughter at 5 am so I had to go pick her up and drive her home. I bet she's glad she doesn't live in the city anymore.

Saudade

Alexandreena asked me what was Chapter 7 in the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

It occurs to me I have never blogged in detail about my break up with X. Perhaps just to maintain some anonymity but there is now so much detailed information on here that if any of my friends find this blog, they'll know it's me. So without further ado...

Chapter 7 is called "he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you".

The subtitle for the chapter is "Love cures commitment-phobia". Given that X is now engaged, as much as I have trouble believing in "love", I have a feeling it may be true. For men, anyway.

This book was life-changing. I read it just after we broke up and, not that I needed the justification for ending our relationship, but it did provide me with some extra self-confidence for having made the right decision.

We broke up on Labour Day 2004. I had given him an ultimatum. Propose or I will move on. When I had moved from Toronto to Vancouver in 2003, we had already broken up once. Labour Day 2002. He had flown back from Vancouver and we spent the weekend with friends at a rented cottage. He had been living on the west coast since 2001, earlier if you count co-op terms. And I was getting tired of the long-distance relationship. I wanted to be with him but I was reluctant to move out there without a job and rely on him financially. If he changed his mind, I'd be screwed. And I figured, after 5 years of dating, if he wasn't ready to propose, then we were wasting our time.

We broke up that long weekend and he called me every day for weeks begging me to reconsider. I did. I requested a transfer to BC. And I got it. Because I'm that good. Seriously though, I wanted to get my own place. To take the pressure off our relationship. To build my own social circle and life. But he said not. He wanted us to live together, to save up for a down payment. He said he would propose after a year. Looking back on it, I was both feet in and he was one foot out.

I waited a year. Our anniversary came and went. My birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's. In the spring of 2004, we went to Mexico together. By that time, our relationship had become mostly platonic. I had intended to go by myself because he went to Vegas the week before. But he wanted to go and offered to pay for the trip if I waited for him. How is a girl going to turn that down? We had fun. Relaxed and snorkeled and ate and drank. When I got sunstroke on our last day there, I made him go to dinner by himself. Why should he miss out on the best seafood restaurant at the resort just because I was sick? I certainly wouldn't have. He said "oh that's too bad, I was going to propose tonight." I laughed and said "that's not funny!" Yeah, we were that couple.

He had joked around at other times too. Saying it would come when I was least expecting it. Like when I was sitting on the toilet and had run out of paper. He would hold me hostage and exchange my hand for a roll of toilet paper. That way I couldn't say no. But when it came time to looking at houses, he was borderline panicked about what we could and couldn't afford. He wouldn't even go to open houses. I think that was when I started to realize we might not have a happy ending. Hence the ultimatum.

In the summer of 2004, I was working in north coastal BC and had been rotating up there for several weeks. I was promoted as a result of taking on the position at short notice and I was rapidly learning that I was far more capable than I had ever dreamed. I was managing people, responding quickly to requests for work and information, liaising with government officials and dealing with irascible men who I knew pictured me naked often. The ones that didn't treated me like the daughter they never had. It was an eye-opening project for me. Of course, it took a toll on my personal life but I was 26 and ready to be "successful" at any cost. And it was fun. I enjoyed the challenges of living and working "up north", away from the resources of big city and home office.

And, the men were men. If I needed a platform built, I just had to turn around and a carpenter was sawing and nailing pieces of plywood. If I needed a sampling utensil, the metal worker was soldering an aluminium can to a long narrow stainless steel handle. If I needed something shipped to Vancouver overnight, the site manager was placing a call to Air Canada cargo and instructing one of his guys to load the coolers in the van and drive. Things got done. Not always quickly or with a minimum of political fuss. But they got done. I was slowly realizing that the same could never be said for X. I'm not sure when I realized that he was never going to be the man I needed him to be.

He flew up to see me for the long weekend. It required not-so-gentle persuasion on my part. That I was off for the weekend, that I had a rental car, that he could stay with me in the rented house. That we'd be alone and that I wouldn't get unexpectedly called into work. We drove to Alaska. It was probably the best road trip we have ever been on.

Wait, it might have been the only road trip we have ever been on. We stayed in Stewart overnight and then drove through Hyder to the old abandoned mines the following day. He told me later that he was going to put the ring in his belly button when he was lying in bed but then changed his mind. He has a phobia of people touching his belly button.

If you drive north from Hyder, you won't be disappointed. There are mountains and glaciers and rock falls. You will need 4 Wheel Drive, even in the summer. Labour Day long weekend was chilly enough for layers. It was really a beautiful drive. We stopped countless times to take photos and just look around. There was nobody around for miles. We finally stopped at an old mine site about 2 hours up the track. I was happy, we were both happy. It was beautiful and breathtaking. We took lots of photos. One of him standing in front of the mine entrance.

One of me jumping up in the air with the glaciers in the background.

Okay fine, I'm not actually in that one but I don't have the photoshop skills to edit myself out of a photo.

I knew this was it. This was the highlight of our trip.

After this, it was all downhill. Literally. We were just going back the way we came.

He said "so, do you want your ring now?"

I told him I wasn't sure what he was asking me. "Well, I didn't have time to buy you the ring I wanted". Never mind that I had been to Spence Diamonds, picked out a ring, given him the jeweler's business card. "I'll only give it to you if you promise not to show it to anyone else".

"You know, this isn't very romantic."
"Yeah, you're right. I'll stop."

Then he had to pee on the glacier. Because boys have to pee on glaciers, right?

I felt deflated. A little in shock. I wanted to say, as we were driving away, "are you sure there isn't something you want to say to me?" But I said nothing. The drive back to Stewart was very quiet. He told me later that he was totally freaked out by the drive back. The chasm that dropped away to nothing on his right hand side. It reminded him of family vacations in northern Ontario when he spent the entire drive thinking he was going to die. When I asked him why he didn't say anything, he had no explanation. I would have let him drive.

We drove for several hours before he said anything. After 7 years, you get comfortable with silence. Eventually he said, "sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do." It was so clear to me then that this was never going to happen for us. That he didn't want to be with me. That he wasn't ever going to be ready to marry me. That, even though it was important to me to declare to the world that we were ready to move forward with our lives, all the things he said he wanted too, a house, a puppy, a garden, he wasn't actually ready for. At least, not with me. And when I try to remember, I don't think I ever heard the words "I want to marry you" come out of his mouth.

He tried to propose again. We stopped at a provincial park overlooking the Skeena River. I burst into tears. It wasn't how I pictured it. His proposing out of desperation. I told him not to make it harder for both of us. He held me and cried with me.

He slept on the couch that night. I could hear him crying through my own heartbroken tears. I moved out when I got home from that rotation. His friends told him I was only doing it to get attention. I had hoped he would want to fix things when I got home. He didn't even try. When I signed a lease and started packing, he told me that he didn't want me to go. He cried. When I finally moved out, he said "I'll miss your car."

Yeah, I know.

We stayed friends. For over a year, we hung out together, had dinner together almost every day, socialized together, talked on the phone at least once during the work day, were constantly on MSN. He recorded Oprah for me and I watched it while doing laundry at his place when he was out playing basketball or soccer.

Oh that's another thing. Less than 6 months after we broke up, he bought a condo for roughly the amount that we were planning to spend on a house. So much for his financial fears. I even found the ring and the receipt later. It was under $50. Which would have been fine if he had proposed properly. I wouldn't have let him buy me a "real" ring. If he had said "I love you, will you marry me?", I would be wearing that ring today.

He also started playing the guitar and being more adventurous with his cooking. It was like he was finally free to figure out who he really was. It took him two years to admit that he was afraid to talk to me. Afraid of change. That, if I hadn't bailed on the relationship, that we would still be stuck in unhappy.

His mother told me once that X develops obsessions with things. The Blue Jays, Wrestling, Star Wars, Pearl Jam. They would last for years. Approximately 7. When we were 21, I told him that he couldn't break up with me after I turned 27 because then I would be an old maid. After we broke up, my mother reminded me of this. I was still 26 when we broke up. My birthday is in November. It has lasted just under 7 years. My parents no longer pressure me about marriage and kids. I think it has become taboo. Now, I doubt I will ever get married. Certainly, I believe it's overrated. Relationships end.

I thought I was moving on as quickly as I knew how. Turns out it has taken years to get over him. All those other guys that came right after were just me punishing myself for not being good enough. Maybe I'm still doing that.

Maybe I'm not in love with Grey. Maybe he just makes me feel alive when he's bad to me. Because the only feeling I've become comfortable with is pain. Happiness inevitably leads to disappointment.

I just remembered, we did go on one other road trip. We went to the Okanagan Valley over the Victoria Day weekend in 2006. He had already started dating his now-fiancee but he didn't tell her he was going with me. He tagged along at the last minute, which is so typical of his bandwagon-jumping style. I let him come on one condition. That he would drive when I wanted to have a glass of wine at dinner. We had a really great time. A relaxing, platonic, argument-free time. That was the best road trip we have ever been on. I miss his friendship but I know I will never get that back. There's a word for this in portuguese. Saudade. Sadness for happy memories.

But I'd rather be alone than be with a man that needs to be told to drive.

Shake it, shake shake it...

I shook it like a polaroid picture and came home with a centrepiece. Yay random fish bowl vase and sickly pink flowers! The wedding was nice. I had to escape for a while. Perhaps too much wine and "ra ra marriage" crap. But overall I had a great time and I wish I could have danced for longer. Yeah, it does suck to be the single girl at weddings. But I've decided that I'm not settling for marriage unless I can find me a man that can twirl me around the dance floor the way the groom's parents did tonight. It was lovely and that's my dream. A dream is a wish that the heart makes, right?

Tomorrow, high tea with the ladies at the Millcroft Inn in Caledon followed by Amal in the evening with the kid. My horoscope says I'm in for a wonderful few days. I certainly hope that's true. A good friend is defending on Monday morning so I'm setting aside the entire day for that. Tuesday I have to prepare for clients and go to school. Wednesday and Thursday are major client and site related activities. Nothing planned for the weekend yet.

Oh, and how cool is the Batmobile?? We killed 3 hours this afternoon between ceremony and reception at the movies. Having never seen any of the other Batman movies, I have no idea if this one was up to par. But that Christian Bale... ROWR!

Planetary Perturbation

I think the planets are aligned today. Or misaligned. Or something.

I had a full Sunday and only felt lonely for a few scattered moments here and there.

This morning I had dim sum as a thank you for planning yesterday's baby shower. Then I went shopping for wedding dresses. Which, can I just say, is so much fun when you can make someone else try on a bunch of wedding dresses regardless of whether they're hideous or gorgeous. And this evening I had dinner with old family friends. Well, they're friends of my parents. But it was nice. It felt like having my own family and I had some awesome home cooking.

There were three families. My parents aren't visiting this summer but usually there are four sets of parents and two kids. The first set of parents belongs to my best friend A. She and I finished high school together here so I've only known them for about 15 years. The second set of parents are here visiting their son. He is a couple of years older than me and our parents have known each other for our entire lives. He even condescended to speak to me a couple of times today. He passed me grapes, let me put my glass of wine on the table without a coaster and said he would email me about his trip to Vancouver next weekend. More progress!

The third set of parents are my favourite. They are spirited and highly educated and fun and funny. They are the oldest - both over 75, I think - and they are the ideal old married couple. They make fun of each other, they complete each others' sentences, they interrupt each other, their non-verbal communication is seamless. I think they are actually still in love. If I can't have that, I don't want to get married.

And, when I got home tonight, I discovered I had missed a Skype call and two MSN messages from Grey. I didn't reply to any of them and I don't think that I will.

Unhappily ever after

Apparently, married life is a bitch. Especially the newlywedded bliss of year 1. How can that be?? There was an incident post-dinner today. My girlfriend and I polished off a bottle of wine and dessert in Little Italy leaving her husband at my place to stew in his boy juices. I think I will stick with Grey.

First wedding of the year

Lesson learned tonight: Don't wear Spanx to a Chinese banquet. Also, how come some brides get to wear two wedding dresses? Two! I probably won't even get to wear one. I can understand wanting to wear white and also a traditional outfit but I don't really understand wearing one white dress to the ceremony and a second to the reception. It seems a bit excessive to me but what the hell do I know?

I had a relatively good time this evening but it was a long, drawn out affair. It took almost 5 hours to get from cocktails to cake. I even had far too much to drink but was sober hours before it was time to drive home. The bonbonnieres were good though. Mints and lip balm and hand lotion and "love blooms". I guess you plant the seeds and they bloom. I get the significance but I think it's completely cheesy.

I can't decide how I feel about love and marriage and weddings anymore. Friday evening and this morning with Grey were nice. We watched tv and had dinner and talked and had sex. He let me watch 27 Dresses this morning which was surprisingly funny and cute. Last night, X called me some time after Grey passed out while I was watching Law and Order. He was in Kelowna for the weekend and thought of me. Two years ago to the day, we took our very last road trip to the Okanagan. We hit a whole bunch of wineries and provincial parks. Hiked and sat on the beach and had a really great time. It was nice that he thought of me. I just wish it hadn't been quite so late and I hadn't been sitting next to a sleeping Grey. I couldn't really talk. But it was nice to get the phone call anyway.

Anyway, I need to get my make up off and go to bed. Another long lab day tomorrow. Hopefully the weather cooperates. I could use another rainy day.

Statute of limitations is 5 days and counting...

I had a good day today. A's flight arrived on time and our timing was perfect so we didn't have to pay for parking. Her parents were so surprised to see her at the door although I think they were too much in shock to really react. Then our friend from high school showed up about an hour later and freaked out. She was so happy and couldn't stop hugging her. It was really great. I love surprising people, even though I hate being surprised. We ate and talked for hours until A started to fade. If only she was a man, I would marry her and live happily ever after. We decided to get married after first year university after breaking up with a pair of loser boyfriends. She's perfect. Our parents are good friends. She's educated and intelligent and pretty. We have the same values and are best friends. So we joked around about having a lesbian wedding and she decided she wanted to wear the pants. She's the husband and I'm her wife. It's great. Her father fell for it a bit, especially after she said "But Baba, you should have known I would become a lesbian. You did send me to an all girls private school for my entire education. What did you think would happen?" but her mother giggled and blew our story.

On a somewhat related note, I'm back on the online dating scene again and it's as bad, or worse, if possible than the last time I tried it back in December after I split with Grey. I'm getting lots of hits but nothing has panned out. The guys' photos are crap and the profiles are poorly written and/or boring. The ones that do seem interesting and intelligent don't follow through after I give them my alternate email address. What's up with that? Actually, I think I know what's up. I've noticed that a lot of activity occurs on Friday after work or Saturday around lunch time so I think that people are using the sites as a way to get a last minute date or a fast hook up. So I'm giving this thing until the end of day Sunday.

...

Just as I finished typing that, someone messaged me and we just chatted for half an hour. He has an 8 year old. I don't know if I can date someone who has a kid. Most days I feel like an 8 year old myself. I guess it's shallow and naive of me to expect to find a man my age who hasn't been married and/or doesn't have kids. I wish someone had told me that I wouldn't marry X and that dating in my 30s would be hard. I would have signed up for that arranged marriage thing.

Marriage, Ltd.

I was washing glassware in the lab this evening and it occurred to me, what if I meet a guy that's great but we don't fall in love? Supposing we have the same philosophy about love and romance. That love isn't real. Instead we both believe that people in relationships commonly mistake hormones and attraction for love. And romance is just extended foreplay. That relationships are partnerships. Like a business arrangement, they take mutual understanding, hard work, communication and pre-determined rules of engagement. Supposing I find a guy who believes this as well. And we decide to get married, or whatever, because we have a good time together. What happens if one of us falls in love? With someone else, obviously. Because if you fell in love with your marital business partner, that would probably be okay. But what if I found a guy like this who then fell in love with another woman? Would I say to him, "okay, go be with her if that will make you happy"? Or would I tell him to continue being in love with her but still stay married to me? Just for the sake of having a man around the house to take out the garbage and help cut the grass.

I think I'm back to the whole "love isn't real" thing because it hasn't been hard for me to refrain from emailing or texting Grey. It's not that I don't want to. I still talk to him in my head. But it's easier for me not to make contact with him right now. I'm hoping this willpower will last for a couple of weeks. At least until he goes to Jamaica.

Alone again

Tonight is the first time I have cried about Grey for a couple of weeks. Mostly because I spent the last two weeks being totally exhausted. A puppy is a huge responsibility. I'm glad to have my single commitment-free, responsibility-free life back. And it's an additional relief that I don't have to be out pooping-and-scooping in this crap weather. I do miss the way Charlie would lick my wrists when I was putting on his collar. And when I would sit on the floor and he'd put his paws on my shoulders and lick my earlobes. I miss his lovable cuteness. I even miss his spazzy insane puppy skirmishes across the living room floor a little bit. But my life is better without a dog. For now, anyway. When I'm ready, I'll know.

As for Grey, I still miss him a lot. I don't think about him all the time anymore. That's a good thing because I'm getting a lot more work done at school. And I'm finally back in a place that I'm happy living alone. Sleeping alone. Not sharing a bathroom. I'm even seriously wondering if I will ever get married. I have no desire to have children. I can't even handle the responsibility of a baby animal let alone a baby human! So why do I need a partner? There's no really good reason to be in a relationship right now. Or perhaps ever. Strangely, that doesn't make me feel lonely.

Friendship and responsibility

There are some people with whom my friendship has become more of a responsibility than a pleasure. That is to say, it's not that I don't enjoy their company. I do, but not as much as I used to. And not as much as I enjoy spending time with other friends.

One of my friends is getting married in two weeks. She asked me to MC the wedding. I'm happy to do it because it will be fun and I think that I can help make her day memorable. At least, I certainly hope that I can. I'm jointly MCing with one of my bestest friends ever. Piglet's mom. The three of us graduated from the same undergraduate program. Four of us went to lunch today at the wedding location. The bride and her mom, me and Piglet's mom. It's going to be a very non-traditional casual wedding. That's fine. It will be short and sweet, the food will be good, there is an open-bar and it's close to my place so I can walk.

But overall, I'm not really sure that the atmosphere was very wedding-ey. The bride seems happy enough. That is to say, she's not an overly effusive or joyous person but she seems genuinely excited about her wedding. Notice I said "her" wedding not "their" wedding.

I've never spoken to the groom, they haven't been together for very long and she doesn't seem to like him very much. And he's not that interested in the wedding details. Or maybe she's purposely excluding him from the arrangements. Piglet's mom asked me today if I thought that was the case but I really don't know. I mean, I'm a control freak so I can see myself behaving similarly. But then, I wouldn't marry a man who was incapable of paying at least as much attention to detail as myself. B is definitely the woman in our relationship.

I think I got off-track a little bit. I was trying to say that my relationship with the bride has changed slightly. Maybe I perceive it and she doesn't. I certainly don't want her to think that I don't value her as much anymore. But I have to be honest here (because, let's face it, why wouldn't I?) and admit that I don't necessarily trust her judgement and I doubt that I would ask her to be heavily involved in my wedding plans.

I guess some relationships are more equal than others. And the longer you know someone, the more likely it is to change. Especially as people grow out of their 20s. But I don't necessarily think that this wedding is right. I've asked her, and she has told me, that she is happy. But something doesn't ring true. Maybe if it did, maybe if I knew something about the man she will marry in two weeks, I wouldn't be quite so emotionally distanced from the wedding.

I was a bridesmaid for Piglet's mom and that was one of the happiest, most wonderful weddings I have ever been to. I still look back on it with a lot of joy and they are two of my best friends. I love just hanging out at their place and often have to tear myself away reluctantly. I miss her during the week. I chat on MSN to her husband. And today she and I sent 25 emails back and forth between 2 pm and 5 pm, while we were both busy working. I even shopped online for maternity dresses for her for the wedding. She's like my family. The bride... I don't know. She's one of my oldest friends (now that I no longer live in the country in which I grew up) and I'm always completely honest with her. But I don't feel the same kind of attachment as I do with Piglet's mom.

It didn't help today that she mentioned an eligible friend of the groom as a prospect for me. Then when I reminded her I was taken, she said "no you're not". "Yes, I am." "No you're not!"

Yes, I am.

He's coming!

He's really coming. He actually booked a flight today. I can't believe he's coming for 12 days. He'll be here in 36 days. I have to admit, after all the credit card drama over the last few days, I didn't think it was going to happen. But he said he would come and he is.

I have spent the last few days telling people about everything that has happened. I even told my mother (!) and she didn't freak out. She apparently hadn't mentioned it to my dad because he didn't bring it up when he called tonight. I didn't say anything to him because he sounded upset and anxious about money and stuff. I guess he'll be the last to know. In terms of the important people in my life, I think there are very few people left to tell.

My Valentine took it badly. I could tell he was angry because he got very quiet and then basically hung up on me. I can't believe that I entertained the idea of being with him for such a long time with so little in return. I wonder if he regrets telling me that he didn't want to visit me because he was afraid we would end up in a relationship? I'm starting to wonder if everything that went before was just to bring me to this point.

Here is a snippet of conversation from late last night.
On my parents' approval:
B: "I'd really like if your parents approved of this."
Me: "Don't hold out for my parents' approval. It's not in my mother's nature to approve of anything. She's not satisfied unless she's judging and criticizing someone else..."
B: "Well, I'm not planning on marrying them, am I?"
...(long pause in which I did a double and then triple-take)...
Me: "You said the M word."
B: "Wow, I did, didn't I? And I didn't even flinch. What have you done to me? I would never have noticed if you hadn't pointed it out. Wow."
Me (mental cartwheels): "I have goosebumps right now."

I bought tickets to Phantom of the Opera. It's his favourite musical. I sent him the confirmation email so he'll see it when he wakes up tomorrow. I hope it makes his day.