Please, pretend?

Can you at least pretend you'll miss me when I'm gone?

This day went from mildly upsetting to upsetting to really upsetting. I'm glad it's over and I'm home where I'm safe from people who make me cry.

I almost ruined everything

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

Pathetic

There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.

Yeah, what D said...

Oh wow! I was *totally* here today. I was heading out to meet coworkers for a post division meeting drink and couldn't find the stinkin' pub. After having a shitty day at the office, I almost went home in tears. But I forced myself to buck the shit up and call someone to get directions. I downed a very large glass of red wine and faked it for an hour. Now I'm home and bed looks so good that I may stomp on my phones, throw the computer out the window and never emerge from my pillow cocoon. Fuck you, life, I hate you!

Screw him

I emailed Grey to let him know that I was no longer comfortable with us going to Cirque on Sunday now that he's officially in a relationship with someone. I explained and tried to be gentle about it. His response from Vegas? "Whatever... overthink away. Have fun with ur Mom". So I told him he could go screw himself. It felt pretty good. I'll probably regret it in the morning. Or in a couple of minutes when he drunkenly replies. Or maybe I won't give a shit. Because that's how I feel right now. He's a fucking moron. Oh there's his response now...

Fucking guy always makes me fucking cry. I want so badly to hate him. Kill me now.

I need some advice

I had dinner with Pink Dress today and her car died when she arrived at my place. She phoned her mechanic and invited him to dinner with us. This is the same guy that called me chubby and blonde last October.

I thought I could pretend to be fine for a couple of hours but I don't think I can ever spend time with both of them together again. I'm still really hurt by what he said and he set me back light years with those comments. I know that he means nothing to me and I should just discard his opinion but I just can't get his words out of my head. I was so self-conscious of everything I ate at dinner tonight that I couldn't finish my meal.

I'm not sure if I should tell Pink Dress that I don't ever want to see him again or just forget it. The worst part is that she seems to think that he has a thing for me and there is no way in hell that I can purposely spend time with someone whose mere presence reinforces my neuroses about my low self-esteem and weight and food issues. Am I being insane?

Update: Grey, our mutual friend and MFV all told me I should tell her so I just sent her this email.

Okay, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it.

I know the mechanic is your good friend but I can't hang out with him again. When you said you had invited him to dinner, I thought I would be fine with it but it turns out I'm still not over him calling me chubby and blonde last October. I realize these are my neuroses and he probably had no idea that he would touch on such a sensitive issue. I'm sorry, I know he's good to you. But I really have to assert myself on this one. I was really uncomfortable last night and that makes me unhappy because I was looking forward to catching up with you. Do-over on Saturday?

Douchebag redux

He called tonight, after sending 8 nonsensical drunk texts, and wants to date me again.

For those of you not keeping up or new to the blog, look for any posts since May with the word "disaster" in it.

I don't know how many times I have to say no to this guy. The thing is, I know that he only wants to hit it because I keep saying no to him. The second I let him back in, he'll be gone again. I'm not one of those women who is naive enough to believe that men change.

We talked for an hour. Because we have an important meeting at work on Wednesday and I need for everything to be fine. It took a lot of time away from my thesising and I didn't want him to know how much his text message hurt me. But I did end up telling him that I was angry about his decision that I wasn't good enough for a relationship but that he'd be happy to do me anytime.

Fucking guys. Always know how to make me feel like I'm less than nothing. Good thing I'm seeing Grey tomorrow night. He'll remind me that I am actually worthless.

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Dream

I dreamt about Grey this morning. It was a weird dream. I haven't had one in a while.

We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".

Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.

I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".

I woke up crying.

Weekend Blogorrhea

I haven't written anything because I really don't have anything to write. I spent this weekend alternately sleeping and feeling nauseated. I must be fighting off the flu or something. I went out for Korean BBQ on Friday night and followed it up with bubble tea and ice cream cake. Birthdays. Ugh. Then Saturday, I slept until 12.30, thesised until 4.30 and then slept until 6.30. I ate nothing for most of the day and went out for Thai for another birthday dinner. It was horribly awkward for me. I didn't know anyone except the birthday boy and spent the entire time waiting for 9 pm to roll around so I could leave. Today I slept until 2.30 pm! Pretended to work (but reading this blog) until 7 and went over to A's parents house so they could feed me. Unfortunately I couldn't finish my food because I felt queasy. Serves me right for only eating Cheetos all day, I guess. Oh yeah, I also spent some time crying last night. I don't really recall why. I mean, it must have been because of Grey. I happen to know he was watching a movie with a friend and I was watching a movie alone. Oh right, I was watching Pretty Woman. Insomniac. Alone on the couch. With a chick flick. Great. My life is meaningless and empty. Now I remember why I haven't written anything all week.

Programmed to be single

There's something wrong with me. I think I have been single for so long that I have forgotten how to be not alone. Also, I think I have been through so many crap relationships that I have no idea how to be happy when I have found one that is more than halfway decent.

This guy is a good guy. He's not classy or well-dressed or super successful or even terribly good looking. But he is good to me. He genuinely cares (I think) and I do believe that he wants to make me happy. And, for the most part, I am happy when I'm with him. He can be a bit awkward sometimes. Goofy when he should be serious. Scattered and distracted instead of attentive. He talks about moving in together and rings and marriage and it's waaay too early. He has even referred to me as his girlfriend in a joking way to salespeople which is so totally unnecessary. And he's a bit aggressive with the physical contact. That sounds much worse than it actually is. He just has a tendency to always want to be touching me or kissing me or ripping my clothes off. Which is tolerable in private but I'm a total prude out in public. Anyway, I have digressed far beyond my original point. So far, these are the greatest of his sins. Perhaps I should have listed the things I like about him. He completes my unspoken thoughts. He makes me laugh. He hugs when I need it but don't know how to ask. He tells me that he likes me. That I'm beautiful and blah blah. Often. I should be happy.

But, when he's not around and I have missed his phone calls and I'm tired, I start to feel like I don't want this anymore. I start feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and imagine all the different ways I could bolt. If this situation was of the usual dating variety, I would just not call or make contact for a while until the feeling passed. But I have to see him at work tomorrow morning. So now I'm thinking of ways to avoid him. Places to avoid include the water fountain and the coffee room and the printer room. Not taking lunch or running errands to get away. Coming in late and/or leaving early.

God, what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be content?

Giving up

I have officially given up. I didn't do laundry, take out the garbage, buy groceries or do an iota of work this weekend. I don't want to go to work tomorrow and I hate everything. I just want to lie on the couch for the rest of my life and watch tv. It doesn't even have to be good tv. Bad tv is okay. I spent most of the day actually watching snow. I'm not getting very good reception on my rabbit ears these days. It might be the April showers.

It might also be time to look for a new job. In the meantime, I really need to work on my thesis so I can accept a new job. I hate everything. Most of all myself. Somebody shoot me.

The nice guy blow-off

I realized I had to run some errands on Thursday (drug store, drop off paperwork, eat lunch) so I went out and bought shoes.




I'm glad I did because the rest of my day was kinda crappy. 516 is definitely not interested so I deleted his number and all of his text messages.

This morning wasn't much improved either. Yesterday I sent my mother an email telling her that my supervisors had set a defense date and asking her to help me plan vacation for August. Her response? That the gorgeous green georgette silk sari I picked out myself and wore to the wedding wasn't formal enough. My mother is a bitch. I hate her again. I haven't felt this way in several years but forget about family vacation. I'm not even going to my graduation. If she decides to go, she can pick up my degree for me. I wrote her a long and hateful flamer but didn't send it. I'll probably just ignore her for a while and tell A's mother how I'm feeling. She's pretty much guaranteed to tell my mother.

Also, I think I'm starting to get sick. A lot of people at the wedding were sick so I figured it was only 3 to 5 days before I started to feel it. It's either NYC withdrawal or H1N1.

I'm so miserable. I think the only remedy is pizza and the couch.

I can't function

Isn't that one of the signs of depression? For several years now, I have suspected that I might be prone to depression but I'm too scared to ask my doctor about it because of what she might say. There's a history of mental illness on my mother's side of the family but I don't know what exactly because nobody will talk about it. I mean, maybe we're all just OCD and anal-retentive. Because that, I can (and do) own. Also, I've gotten so good at faking happy when I'm out in public that I'm scared to drop the mask, even for one second.

But I can't function. The apartment is a disaster. I can barely hold my life together. My thesis has ground to a halt and I funnel all of my energy into staying on the ball at work. I go to work exhausted. Then I come home and I'm more exhausted. I barely have the energy to get to the classes I like at the gym. And it seems I'm on the verge of crying all the time. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere and I'm totally unprepared. It's a good thing I hid at home for most of the weekend.

I'm so exhausted from faking it. Can't I just stay at home in bed for the next two weeks?

Unhappy

I am not happy today. That's all I can write at the moment. I need a brownie and a hug.

Not that into me

I think it ended badly. I say "I think" because it all happened so fast. He was cold and cruel and angry and distant. I'm not sure why he even phoned me today. I cried so hard, sitting on the hallway floor with my face in a towel worrying whether the neighbours would hear. Then I went out to see He's Just Not That Into You with a girlfriend. Unfortunately, I learned nothing new because I've read the book backwards and inside out about eleventy bajillion times. Now I have a headache and feel utterly nauseated. I'm waiting for my clean sheets to come out of the dryer so that I can cry myself to sleep in bamboo-cotton papyrus blend. I just have one question. If I can't spot the jerks, how am I supposed to avoid them? Maybe they're all jerks.

Hurt

Does anyone else think this email thread is a not-so-subtle rejection? I am actually quite upset. I'm officially giving up and allowing myself to be upset this weekend.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 4:52 PM, C le V wrote:

Nice subject line!
Sounds like a nice weekend... Apparently it's the St-Patties day parade on Sunday, so the plan may change, but it looks like it's going to be another quiet domestic weekend... not the drink-fest you seem to have planned (no comment on the Dirty Dancing!)
Sucks for the thesis... but better late than never, I guess.

On 3/13/09, EB wrote:

What?? You're not a fixture on the lucky lesbian leprechaun float? But you look so good in green!

So... as much as I am scared to ask (or scared to hear your answer), will I be getting a phone call from you this weekend? It would be nice to hear your voice again at some point. It's fine if you're busy and stuff. I just thought I would go out on a limb here and ask.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 5:01 PM, C le V wrote:

I would answer 'yes', but I don't want to create any expectations... so 'no' it is.

I suck

I took a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep. I wish I had someone to talk to.

C le V called me this afternoon because I was feeling down. I felt better after I talked to him. Then, after the nap, I realized that he hasn't called me "sweetheart" since Saturday. Something has definitely changed. I'm scared to find out.

Also, in more bad news, I lost the apartment that I had decided to rent. They rented it the night I saw it, for $90 a month less than the list price, starting tomorrow. Crap. Maybe I should just put all my stuff in storage and be homeless until I can afford to buy my own concrete box.

I'm going to bed now. Not because I'm sleepy. But because it will be easier to cry myself to sleep. Or not sleep, as the case may be.

Augh

There is something wrong with me.

C le V texted me last night when he got home from the airport around 1.30 am. We talked for about 45 minutes. He clearly was excited to hear from me and wanted to talk about his trip and this weekend. It was really nice. To hear his voice and listen to him talk and laugh with him. Even though I just wanted to go to sleep. Now I know what it feels like to be the dude. I was super tired all day today. It was also really nice to have him back on email again. I really missed those too.

Last night when we were talking, he said he would phone me this evening. I know he had plans with friends. I'm assuming he's still out. Because it would be unacceptable for him to get home and not call. I waited up and could have gone to bed hours ago. I'm annoyed at myself for waiting. And disappointed that he didn't call. And I'm feeling the distance which I know is going to translate into reduced warmth and increased reservation when I see him in 24 hours.

See what I mean? There's something wrong with me. I hate that I'm such a clingy, needy, high-maintenance bitch. Urgh, I hate myself.

Unattractive

I got up late this morning and didn't write to C le V so I decided to write this evening. Initially after I arrived home, I was feeling really dizzy so I lay down on the couch and ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Whenever that happens to me, I wake up groggy and lethargic.

I learned something else about myself too. I had trouble writing to him. The stuff I was thinking about wasn't something I felt ready to share on paper. Because, frankly, it's a bit humiliating and I don't want him to see my insecurity. I read through the last 4 days and realized that I sounded happier in the mornings compared to the way that I sounded this evening. The thing is, I wasn't unhappy when I was writing to him this evening. But I couldn't get the words to flow. I stopped and started several times. I think I was just tired and worn out. And I think I'm like that most evenings which is why I blog in the evening. I need the outlet. And maybe part of the reason that I am feeling insecure about him is because he's not here to talk to me in the evenings and reassure me that everything is okay.

And that's the part that sucks. I shouldn't need that reassurance. I should be confident all the time, not some needy, whining, clingy woman who needs to be emotionally propped up all the time. But why do I get this way? Is it because I'm tired? Or is there some weird psychological effect the darkness has on me? Do I get this way on long, sunny, summer evenings too? It was raining and foggy all day today and that made me happy (yes, I'm weird, I realize that).

Maybe the reason I'm still single at such an advanced age is because I'm cranky in the evening hours when I'm supposed to be relaxed and sociable. I feel as though I'm cranky all the time. I know I'm not a morning person. But now I'm not a night person anymore either. I feel like I suck all the time. Do I deserve to be alone because I'm not warm and comforting and peppy and shiny enough?

I said I wasn't unhappy before but I definitely am now. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.