Thursday, March 29, 2007

135 hours

I yam very tired.

Went out for drinks with the supervisors from Vancouver last night.
Was unproductive today.
Need to book two site visits for work.
Need to write two reports sometime over the next 10 days.
Friday - last class before final exam.
Saturday - MC wedding.
Monday - in-class presentation.
Tuesday - B arrives.

I need to create, test and refine a surface water-quality model, finish this presentation and paper, study for a final, prepare for the wedding, get myself waxed, clean the entire apartment and find some time to remember all the things I am forgetting. All before Tuesday night.

135 hours. GO!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Inner monologue blah blah

I went to see "I think I love my wife" today. It was not as funny and felt longer than I expected. Chris Rock's inner monologue had a few amusing moments. But so does mine.

The movie did have an interesting side effect though. B tells me all the time that he can't stop thinking about me. I asked him once if he runs out of things to think about. But today, when I was driving home, I thought about him almost the whole way home. I suppose partly it was the moovie. Partly it's because he's going to be here so soon. And partly because I get a slight break this weekend so there isn't anything pressing at the forefront right now. No assignments or journals or reports to think about instead.

I found myself thinking again that I can't quite believe we ended up back together again after such a long time. I found myself being amazed that we should still feel the same about each other. And, if I'm being really honest, there were things he did back then that were frustrating to deal with as a teenager and now still make me a little bit nuts. He can be very moody and negative sometimes. Normally it's okay. He has a stressful job and he misses me and it's in his nature. But sometimes, when I'm feeling a little bit down myself, it brings me down even more. I've told him that I need him to bring my mood up sometimes as well. It's just something that we'll have to figure out. And it will be easier when we're geographically together, I think.

I do feel good about not being the emotional one in the relationship. I'm used to being the one that is moody and cries at the slightest thing. And I'm still that person, but he's passionnate and caring as well which is such a refreshing change. There are things I miss about ex-V but only in the sense of missing his conversation and company. The laughs. But not the other stuff. The "stupid boy" stuff. The random, ignorant arguments and stubbornness. The distance and the enforced isolation when he didn't want to talk.

This has turned into a ridiculously long run-on sentence blog entry. Thank goodness nobody is actually reading it! Time for bed.

Friday, March 23, 2007


If I don't do really well on this assignment, I'm going to be pissed. If he takes marks off for the wrong size font, or too many pages of text or fails to look at all of my appendices, I'm going to be pissed.

Something is wrong with my stomach. 12 days until B gets here!

I'm going to bed.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Presentation: not-so-great
Next meeting not for a month: good
Evening spent with Piglet's mom: just what I needed
Conversation with B: frustrating
Email from X re his dad's reaction to the card I wrote to his mother: made me cry. His mother liked it but it made his dad cry.
Sinuses: phlegmy
General feeling tonight: exhausted, crunched for time, unable to help where I want to the most, lonely.

I am responsible for my feelings. I am going to bed. Things will be better when I wake up in 8 hours. If only because I will be less exhausted.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Booger Monster

The booger monster crawling around my sinuses is waging war on the inside of my head. Please send codeine.

I wrote this letter today to a boy on behalf of a girlfriend. Let's call the boy "Prince Charming" and the girl "Fiona". Fortunately, she laughed when she read it. And then sent a sweet, soft email begging him to call her. Urgh. Why do women never learn?

Dear PC,

I was talking to Fiona and I decided to write you a letter. This is what I think your silent messages are saying. Tell me if I am wrong.

1. You’re just not that into her.
2. You’re a pussy and you don’t have the balls to come right out and say it.
3. You lack the basic manners to tell her that you’re too busy to talk when you’re the one that suggested a conversation in the first place.
4. You’re arrogant and conceited and selfish for giving her the runaround in the first place.
5. You’re an idiot because she’s way out of your league and you’re going to lose out on something that you probably don’t even deserve.

She will not be contacting you again because she has realized she has better things to do with her life than wait around for some guy whose head is shoved so far up his gimpy ass that he can’t grab onto a hottie like her instead of lunging for the baby oil.

Finally, in order to preserve our collective dignity, I will not be sending this email on her behalf because she doesn’t need any extra attention from a loser like you.


Sunday, March 18, 2007

Can't sleep for worrying

One of our friends insisted on picking up X at the airport. Let's call this friend John. John has always been somewhat pushy and insensitive. But I can never stay mad at him. So I'm sitting here stewing that he has taken away the one thing I could have done to help X right now. I doubt I'll ever tell him that. Instead, I'll just meet them at the airport, give X a hug and send a card home to his mother so that she knows I'm thinking of them everyday. Like now, when I should be lying in bed imagining B spooning me to help me fall asleep. Instead I think of X's dad, lying in that hospital room with a bedpan, unable to sit up, disoriented with a long battle of chemo and physio and dependency ahead. It just breaks my heart.

This the card I just wrote to X's mother...

I've never been very good at articulating myself so I just wanted to write you this quick card to tell you that, even though I have never officially been part of your family, all of you have always meant a great deal to me, sometimes even more than my own family. I don't think I have ever told you that I never understand the importance of family until I spent my first Thanksgiving at your house. So, even if I'm not around or able to actually help, I'll be here thinking and worrying and waiting and hoping right along with you.

I should go to bed

I'm definitely getting sick. My throat hurts, I'm coughing and peeing like crazy. I hope that somebody comes by with a drill while I'm sleeping and puts some holes in my sinuses to relieve some of the pressure. I would like a total of six holes: one in each maxilla and four in the frontal bones, two in the top just before the coronal suture and two just above my eyebrows.

Okay, enough with the geekspeak. Drugs, bed, spoon fantasy...

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Ick sick

I am definitely getting sick. I've managed to fight off a cold all winter but now it is making itself known in my sinuses :( I do not have a good relationship with my sinuses. I try to pamper them and pay all the attention to them that they duly deserve but every almost-spring they make my life miserable. And now, I just want to take a stainless steel ladle, stick it down the back of my throat and scoop the inside of my head out. Ick. I am not good at being sick.

B is out tonight celebrating his cousin's birthday. He said he would look for me when he got home. I told him that it was unlikely I would still be up at 5 am and he laughed. But here I am, 3.19 am and I'm still waiting up. Partly it's my fault for napping so late into the evening but I think trying to fight off a cold with sleep is a viable strategy. I went out for bubble tea with Piglet's parents and one of their annoying family members. He is such an ass and the weather is crap. He's one of those lame SUV drivers that doesn't brush the snow off his car and makes the roads treacherous for those of us conscientious enough to make a good effort. Despite the snow and slush, it was nice to have the DVP all to myself. Lanes, schmanes.

I think I had something specific in mind for this post but it's gone... oh right. I sense a certain unwillingness on the part of my friends to believe in my new/old relationship. I mean, fair enough, I am holding back on the hope thing until he gets here and I see and hear him tell me all those wonderful things in person. But come on people, can't you be happy for me? It makes me a little bit... I don't know, maybe distanced a little bit from my friends. And it makes me want to believe in this and fight for it. And then there's the part of me that reminds me I still have a plan B. We'll all just have to wait and see what happens when he gets here. 19 days...

Thursday, March 15, 2007


Wow, I have not done anything today.

When I came home from yoga class, the fire alarm started to go off. That was probably a good 20 minutes worth of irritating klaxoning while I tried to eat lunch and read my book. I didn't notice my cell phone beeping at me until almost 2 pm. X's mom had called. I was sort of waiting for this call all week. I knew that something had happened earlier in the week when I read the former-would-be-sister-in-law's blog entry from Friday. They live in another city but were in town this weekend. Last time that happened, X's dad had to go to hospital for severe back pain. Anyway, in her blog entry she said that she had a minor meltdown. She's going through her own struggle with cancer so I thought that something must have happened related to X's dad but I wasn't expecting news this significant.

He was hospitalized over the weekend for emergency surgery due to extreme pain and loss of mobility and they found tumours. I think X is flying home on Tuesday so I'll feel better when he's here. So will his mother, obviously. His dad is still in hospital, actually very close by to my place. But I just have to sit here and wait. I hate that. I just want get up and do something to make it go away. I hate worrying about things that are out of my control. Those are really the only things that I worry about anyway, ever since my anxiety journal cured me of worrying about things I could control. I should at least stop listening to music in minor keys.

I want to jump off my chair, run to the car and drive over there. Where I don't know. The hospital to wait while she visits? To the house to help look after the dog? I have no idea. I guess there really isn't anything I can do except to correspond over email and wait for X to come home. As I sit here trying to plough through journal article after journal article, my thoughts drift away and I find myself imagining worst case scenarios. This time of day doesn't help either. As the sun starts to set and it gets dark in my apartment.

I'm alone. I've known loneliness my whole life and in the last few years, I have come to understand and embrace the fact that we are all truly alone. But I love his family more than I love my own family. His mother must be devastated. I would be. And when B made a crack about dying early from overwork this afternoon, I almost screamed. Why is this happening? Why can't I fix it?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Friendship and responsibility

There are some people with whom my friendship has become more of a responsibility than a pleasure. That is to say, it's not that I don't enjoy their company. I do, but not as much as I used to. And not as much as I enjoy spending time with other friends.

One of my friends is getting married in two weeks. She asked me to MC the wedding. I'm happy to do it because it will be fun and I think that I can help make her day memorable. At least, I certainly hope that I can. I'm jointly MCing with one of my bestest friends ever. Piglet's mom. The three of us graduated from the same undergraduate program. Four of us went to lunch today at the wedding location. The bride and her mom, me and Piglet's mom. It's going to be a very non-traditional casual wedding. That's fine. It will be short and sweet, the food will be good, there is an open-bar and it's close to my place so I can walk.

But overall, I'm not really sure that the atmosphere was very wedding-ey. The bride seems happy enough. That is to say, she's not an overly effusive or joyous person but she seems genuinely excited about her wedding. Notice I said "her" wedding not "their" wedding.

I've never spoken to the groom, they haven't been together for very long and she doesn't seem to like him very much. And he's not that interested in the wedding details. Or maybe she's purposely excluding him from the arrangements. Piglet's mom asked me today if I thought that was the case but I really don't know. I mean, I'm a control freak so I can see myself behaving similarly. But then, I wouldn't marry a man who was incapable of paying at least as much attention to detail as myself. B is definitely the woman in our relationship.

I think I got off-track a little bit. I was trying to say that my relationship with the bride has changed slightly. Maybe I perceive it and she doesn't. I certainly don't want her to think that I don't value her as much anymore. But I have to be honest here (because, let's face it, why wouldn't I?) and admit that I don't necessarily trust her judgement and I doubt that I would ask her to be heavily involved in my wedding plans.

I guess some relationships are more equal than others. And the longer you know someone, the more likely it is to change. Especially as people grow out of their 20s. But I don't necessarily think that this wedding is right. I've asked her, and she has told me, that she is happy. But something doesn't ring true. Maybe if it did, maybe if I knew something about the man she will marry in two weeks, I wouldn't be quite so emotionally distanced from the wedding.

I was a bridesmaid for Piglet's mom and that was one of the happiest, most wonderful weddings I have ever been to. I still look back on it with a lot of joy and they are two of my best friends. I love just hanging out at their place and often have to tear myself away reluctantly. I miss her during the week. I chat on MSN to her husband. And today she and I sent 25 emails back and forth between 2 pm and 5 pm, while we were both busy working. I even shopped online for maternity dresses for her for the wedding. She's like my family. The bride... I don't know. She's one of my oldest friends (now that I no longer live in the country in which I grew up) and I'm always completely honest with her. But I don't feel the same kind of attachment as I do with Piglet's mom.

It didn't help today that she mentioned an eligible friend of the groom as a prospect for me. Then when I reminded her I was taken, she said "no you're not". "Yes, I am." "No you're not!"

Yes, I am.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Unsent email to my former would-be Valentine

So, you've had a week to get out of town, think about things and maybe process a little bit.

I will likely not send you this email but I wanted to write it because there are some things bothering me and I need to get them out of my head.

I realize that you must have been very angry when I talked to you last week because I don't think that you would normally have lashed out at me with some of the things that you said. But, for some reason, I feel the need to defend myself. I shouldn't care at all about this because I'm finally happy.

So here are the three things that I feel I need to straighten out with you.

1. There was nothing going on before. Nothing. MSN conversations, forwarded emails, drunk dialled calls on Skype from him to me when I was up late studying. That was it. Think what you will but that's the truth.

2. You said that it doesn't say a lot for what we had before. What did we have before? Phone calls. Emails. One visit. Some good laughs. Bad timing. Not once were you open and forthcoming about how you felt about me. Except to say that you were too scared to come visit me because you didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Just because I'm at grad school, that doesn't mean that time stands still. We agreed not to consider the other person in our major life decisions. Neither of us was going to wait for the other. You said yourself that you're thinking about buying property. You wanted to sit on the fence because you couldn't commit. I was never sitting on the fence next to you.

After your birthday and then Valentine's Day, you knew how I felt about you. You could have done what you needed to do to get what you wanted. The fact that you didn't tells me that you didn't want it bad enough. I know that because X did the exact same thing 4 years ago. I can recognize it now.

3. And actually, if I'm being really honest, whatever might have been in the past year was lost for good the week before I left. I haven't been through a week that bad for a very long time. I can't remember the last time. Being sick, scared of the thyroid thing, my family thing, with two tough midterms was all a bit too much for me.

I thought that I could make you understand by being honest with you. I've only ever told one person before that I have seriously considered ending my life. But apparently, even that wasn't enough for you to realize that it was never about you. You said that you didn't know who you were getting. You were getting me.

I've said it before and I'll say it to you again. Every single guy who has wanted in changed his mind. Without fail. You are just one more of those guys. And that is really disappointing because I thought that I had finally found a man who was strong enough. I was wrong. Again. And I found out the hard way - when I needed you most to overlook all of my failings and weaknesses. To get past all of your own neuroses and ask yourself what was really going on. To look beyond your own universe and find out what was going on in mine.

Oh yeah, there was one other thing. You said that seeing my personal messages online really hurt you. I didn't do that on purpose. As far as I know, you are never online. If you're lurking and hiding, I can't be responsible for what you may or may not see. If I had thought there was any possibility you would see that stuff, I would have been more sensitive. I didn't post all of the photos until after I had told you because I wanted you to hear it from me and not see it online and make your own inferences. I'm sorry that you were hurt by that. But if you're not going to let people know that you're around, you can't expect them to consider your feelings.

Undoubtedly, you will think whatever you want about me. I went down there alone to look for some time and space to relax and unwind and leave all of the depression and sadness behind. What I found was unexpected and unbelievable and wonderful and surreal and comfortable and happy. So I'm going to hold onto it with everything I have and do whatever it takes to make it work.

I'm happy now. Finally. I think I deserve that.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

So tired

I went to a conference today. There was a chick wearing a dress. It was black with white polka dots. The polka dots were huge. So the dress was really more white than black. She was a bit older. Maybe late 30s. White but not especially attractive. She had a bubble butt and the dress was that nasty stretchy clingy fabric. The problem was that she was wearing a black thong and you could totally see it under the dress when she walked around. I wanted to tell her to invest in some Spanx. And a new wardrobe.

My supervisor sat next to me in the afternoon. It would have been a snooze-fest but I had to pretend to be paying attention. Conferences and supervisors should not be mixed.

Up at 5 am again tomorrow.


I have to be up in 4 hours to drive to a conference two hours away. Skype was uncooperative tonight. We couldn't get started on a conversation before the connection dropped. There are so many things that I want to say to him. Like, when he tells me that he wants to make me a part of his family, I want to say that it would be such an honour and a privilege but I can't make it come out at all in case it sounds pompous and insincere. I think I should just wait and say it in person. I want him to know how much it would mean to me. I miss his parents.

Monday, March 5, 2007

His snoring sounds like a musical symphony

Okay, not quite, and I am grateful every night when I go to sleep alone that I don't have to share my bed or my bathroom with a stinky man... yet.

Is it possible to be happy and terrified at the same time? I'm too incoherent to express myself properly but I still think this is right for me. But I'm also scared to let myself hope that it is really real. That it's actually going to happen. That things will work out. I'm not ready to let myself dream yet. Is that such a terrible thing? To want to protect myself? I guess, maybe not, since we are still at such an early stage. He keeps saying he is sure that this is what he wants. I asked him today if he was sure. He said he was more sure than he had ever been. I want so badly to believe him that it's terrifying. He has more reason than I do to be scared after the way I treated him in the past. But he's willing to take the risk. And, I guess, so am I. I'm still scared though. That same feeling as jumping off a 20' high rock into the Ottawa River when I was white water rafting. That momentary sense of "!" as I leaned face forward out of the plane with a man strapped to my back before jumping out. Not quite the paralysing terror of white water kayaking when I was convinced I was going to die and realized I wasn't prepared to go.

My Valentine messaged me today. It was a bit strange. He wanted to know if I still wanted to be friends with him. I'm not sure why he would think otherwise. I hope that he'll come back. I was reminded again today of how much younger he is and how Vicky had warned me just over a year ago not to have any expectations of him. She was right. It's a good thing that he left me to fend for myself in my week of need just before my trip otherwise things might have turned out very differently. I might not have realized how much I needed someone in my life to look out for me when I'm unable to do it myself. I might not have recognized that in B. Might even have thought I already had what I was looking for. And I want for him to do the same for me.

It's crazy how the Universe works sometimes. I'm tired and my back hurts. I'm way overdue for bed but I was waiting until I was sure B was sound asleep in his bed before I hung up on the call. Unfortunately it woke him up but hopefully he's asleep again by now. I want to cuddle him and take care of him and tell him that everything will be okay.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Endings and beginnings

I talked to my neglectful Valentine today. He was angry. Lashed out at me. Questioned the sincerity of everything I had ever told him. Said that it didn't say a lot about what we had before if it could just vanish in a week. Insinuated that something must have been going on before my trip. It stung and burned but my feelings must be a fraction of his right now. So I won't hold it against him and I will try to let go of him and our friendship.

What did we have before? Phone calls. A promise to see me again once some time before I graduated. Fear of seeing me again because he didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Expecting me to read his mind to figure out how he felt about me. No expectations or promises or the other safety features of a relationship. We were never a couple. We were never able to figure out whether we had ever dated. Just a few salsa classes, a movie here and there, some laughs and some faded kisses. We had one opportunity to have sex but he couldn't quite...

I didn't tell him that I knew within 48 hours of being in Nassau that I wanted to be with B. That I've finally found something that feels right. Something that makes me feel good. That I'm happy now. That I no longer want to kill myself but I want us to both live for a very long time and be healthy and have kids. Me planning kids. Plural. The world is topsy-turvy and shiny and wonderful.

I told him there was nothing that I could say that would make him feel better. That would make him believe me. That all the things I said to him were sincere and true. The fact that he questions our history now makes me realize some things. Ah, hindsight. He wanted to sit on the fence because he was afraid and selfish. But, just because I'm at school, that doesn't mean that time and people stand still. Change happens. And while he was waiting, I found the man that I need in my life.

I said that B had asked me to marry him and that I had said yes. It isn't official. But he has told me that he wants our future to be together, "your mission, should you choose to accept it" and I told him that I would.

B and I talked about our children today. He said he was picturing them last night. My eyes, his lips, drop-dead gorgeous. That he would need a shotgun if we have daughters. We were on the phone for over 10 hours until he eventually fell asleep and started snoring. Thank the internet for Skype.

It feels like I'm falling... but not into space. Into the comfortable, familiar armchair in the warm, sunny patch by the living room window with a great view.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Green-eyed bandit

I don't recall ever having been jealous in my life. Jealousy is about insecurity. I'm jealous now. He didn't come home last night til after 6 am when he said he'd be home before 8 pm. I waited for him until 3.30 am before my body rebelled and I went to sleep. At lunch yesterday, some girl showed him porn on her cell phone. He said it made him uncomfortable but he watched the entire thing play out to the end. That made me uncomfortable too but I'd rather not over-analyze it.

What was he doing last night? When he was out with me, we danced til 5 am. Together. Just the two of us. Last night he was out with his buddies. Last night when I was waiting up, I couldn't concentrate on studying - not that I tried very hard - and I was worried that something had happened to him. I guess I shouldn't bother doing that anymore. I guess I'm just jealous of time with the boys.

I think this is my karmic reminder to focus on me again. School, school, school, work, sleep, yoga, pilates.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Found his letters and read each one out loud

Last night, we were on the phone for 3 hours. Not exactly conducive to studying but lovely nonetheless. At one point, we got to talking about Skype and long distance phone bills and letters and I realized that I probably still had his. I found seven from 1994/1995. He insisted that I read all of them out loud. They were so cute and funny. But the really remarkable thing is that he is as smitten now as he was back then and says all the same things to me. Makes me wonder how many other girls he has used those lines on. I'm joking. He's cute and I love it. I'm scared but it's a crazy scared. And crazy is good.

I'm going to have to break it to him that I can't be spending hours on the phone with him every night tho. Oh, who am I kidding? We already both know. One of us has to be strong and I am not that one. Oh dear. I don't have to finish grad school, do I?