Back that Hyundai up...

Dammit to hell I hate women drivers! I was in my underground parking lot, just trying to get upstairs to bed because I'm sick and being stubborn about taking drugs. Perhaps if I had been properly medicated, my reaction time would have been faster and I would have been able to throw my car into reverse when the woman in front of me decided to back up without checking to see who was behind her.

She slammed into me pretty hard. Not a glance behind her at all. She was young and driving her daddy's car. She was profusely apologetic but I got her insurance information anyway. I think I'm fine - I'm shaking and in pain but that could be because I'm sick - and I don't really see any damage to the car. But it's going on a train across the country in less than a month so I don't want to take any chances.

I really need a hug. Enough to let Jesus come over with dinner and hold my hand while I drink my neo-citran. Actually, he did that the last two nights so clearly it has more to do with me being a big sucky baby when I'm sick than getting slammed in the front end. It turns out that the things I find most annoying when I'm fine are the things I find most comforting when I'm sick. I didn't ask him to hold my hand. He just did it. And for a while, I kept moving my hand away and then he would reach for it again later. He has been very attentive. Which is nice, for now. Until my glands are no longer swollen.

I know I'm a terrible person for taking advantage - and how bitchy am I when I'm not sick that those things annoy the hell out of me? - but I'm sure that he's just waiting until I'm well and truly dosed up on decongestant and antihistamines and ibuprofen to take advantage of me!

I almost ruined everything

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

Yeah, what D said...

Oh wow! I was *totally* here today. I was heading out to meet coworkers for a post division meeting drink and couldn't find the stinkin' pub. After having a shitty day at the office, I almost went home in tears. But I forced myself to buck the shit up and call someone to get directions. I downed a very large glass of red wine and faked it for an hour. Now I'm home and bed looks so good that I may stomp on my phones, throw the computer out the window and never emerge from my pillow cocoon. Fuck you, life, I hate you!

Calling bullshit

I am so sick of the crap going around of the office that I am officially done with it. If I can't leave the company for public sector, I'm moving back to Vancouver. I have a phone call with my old boss tomorrow afternoon. Before that, I intend to follow up on two local job opportunities. I'm really, truly angry and I haven't felt this way about work in a long time. Close to 10 years, actually. I'm sick of being the one that gets pushed around because other people can't manage their schedules. Or because they're not 100% on this project and have other priorities. I don't feel any loyalty towards the people on this project anymore. And while it will suck for my current supervisor, I'm not exactly getting a lot of support from the seniors in my own group either. I am taking the first opportunity I can get to walk away. I am done crying over this bullshit. Work is not worth the tears.

Angry

I'm really angry. My primary thesis supervisor is AWOL and I had planned to do a run-through this week with my co-supervisor. And the two places that listed yesterday which I was going to see with my realtor this afternoon sold. WTF? I hate everything right now. I realize it is a lethal combination of stress and PMS but I'm angry. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum people. Silently while I sit here in the graduate student office. I'm like a little invisible fire-breathing dragon witch with smoke and steam coming out of all the orifices in my head.

Angry Sunday

I had a very angry day today. The highlights (lowlights?) were:

1. Having tea with two girlfriends who, when I texted to let them know I would be a few minutes late, decided to order for me, despite knowing about my food allergies. And despite the fact I told them in my original email that I was planning to have a smoked salmon bagel. And knowing that I was coming from the gym and would therefore be starving. I was not impressed.

2. Then they proceeded to discuss the picky eating habits of their young children (I submit, if they have children with picky eating habits, they should have known better than to order my lunch!) I was bored out of my mind and had basically nothing to contribute.

3. The tea platter they ordered was overpriced, didn't have enough food on it and I couldn't eat 90% of it because it consisted of pastries and desserts. I ate three "sandwiches" which consisted of a thin slice of cucumber on a piece of baguette smothered in cream cheese and pepper. Ugh. I also ate a raisin bun disguised as a scone.

I would have ordered a real meal but the waitress was so awful that I decided she wasn't worthy of a larger tip. She didn't offer me a menu after I arrived, didn't check on us and was bitchy and rude. Fortunately, one of the girls felt guilty enough about the whole incident that she picked up the bill.

I wish I hadn't gone. I came home angry and frustrated and hungry and cold. I crashed on the couch for two hours and now I'm wide awake. Tomorrow is going to be painful.

Moving onto better news, there might be a weekend trip to LA in April with Baby and a weekend trip to NYC in May for an old family friend's wedding. I should probably only choose one (ie the wedding) so I can afford to pay tuition fees at the end of April but I want so badly to get away from my so called life. Sigh.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.

Dream

I dreamed about Grey. It was vivid and so very real. When the strength of my emotions tugged me back into consciousness, I wasn't sure that I had been dreaming. We were lying in bed, intertwined closely together. His face next to mine, our heads on the same pillow, our breaths mingled. I turned my head ever so slightly and our lips touched. Folded together gently, softly like flakes of pastry. The tips of our noses rubbed together. He held me a fraction tighter. I can feel his skin against mine. His shoulders and arms. His smell. The weight of his legs on mine. Even in my dreams, he takes my breath away. I struggle to inhale. He kisses me and I feel as though I'm levitating off the bed. I feel drugged. And I awake close to tears.

I know what Asshat is going to say. It's all the pot-smoking. He's probably right. But, even fully conscious and several minutes later, as I sit here letting the words leave my heart through my fingers, I can't seem to release the steel band around my chest.

In my attempt to move on, I find myself with a decent man. He sent me an email today that warmed my heart and made it melt. He promised that, when he finally decides to kiss me, my knees will buckle. But he won't make the decision lightly. I struggle to treat him well. He is kind and considerate and a rare breed of gentleman. The baggage I carry around makes me harsh and ungenerous. And then I feel regret and remorse for not being nicer. He makes me want to be a better woman. I'm terrified. And the tears come.

Ad infinitum

We had a really good day. Dim sum, the paper, a lot of talking, some fooling around and sushi. I was feeling a little too comfortable with him. Perhaps it's only fitting the day should have ended on a sour note. I feel really shitty. Nauseated, even. I'm going to shower and cry myself to sleep. I hate myself.

Disgusting

The upstairs toilet just overflowed through the ceiling vent into my bathroom. I am totally grossed out. Not to mention exhausted and a little high on bleach fumes. I bleached the toilet and the floor but the ceiling vent is still dripping into the toilet bowl. I showered and took out the garbage. Started laundry and bleached the garbage can. I still feel disgusting though. I have composed an email to my landlady but my work email is down right now so I can't send it. I really need to go back to sleep because I'm starting to feel like I'm coming down with something. I so tired. Poor me.

Unlovable

X proposed to his girlfriend and she accepted. I'm really not okay. He emailed me to tell me and frankly, I resent him for sending it at 2 am when I can't call anyone to help get me through this. I have never felt so small or so alone.

Unprepared

My God, my day actually got worse! I went out with a close friend of X's that I had not seen for almost a year. He randomly came online and asked me if I wanted to grab some food with him. He just broke up with his girlfriend so he might have been projecting a bit but that doesn't excuse his behaviour.

He asked me to tell him the condensed version of what happened when I broke up with X. Which I proceeded to do. And then he was critical about how negative and bitter I am. I was honest about my version of events. I know that he heard X's version 4 years ago when it happened. He had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't over it. Obviously. I really can't figure out where this all came from. Why would he ask me out to lunch just to go on at me about how I'm such a bad person?

He didn't ask me about my relationships since then. He said I give off a negative vibe all the time. How every time he logs into MSN, my message is unhappy. For crying out loud, I'm a grad student! I'm stressed and hungry and exhausted all the time! I never post negative messages about relationships because I have no idea if Grey still has me on his MSN. I don't know why he thought I needed to hear this from him. I can handle the criticism. In fact, I absolutely agree with everything he said. I know I have issues. I know I'm not over X. And the situation with Grey is not improving my self-esteem.

But what's the rush? Why do I have to start dating right this very moment? Why can't I wait until I'm finished school? Isn't focusing on my thesis a legitimate reason for not wanting to deal with my issues immediately? Can't I learn how to be happy and single first? And why does he think it's okay for him to probe these issues? He's not my friend.

I wasn't expecting to have to deal with that this afternoon when I was already feeling so down about myself. Maybe he is angry with his ex girlfriend and took it out on me. I feel like he attacked me unnecessarily. And the thing that irks me most is that he had no constructive advice on how I can be a better person.

Big Mac told me not to let it get to me so after I post this, I will not think about it anymore. I won't hang out with him again. And I have decided to give myself 7 years to get over X. That means I'm half way there.

Drained

I can't do this tonight. I am totally exhausted. Drained. I don't know what happened but I can't function. Maybe I drank too much. Maybe I empathized too much. Maybe I let myself feel what I wasn't capable of understanding. Or perhaps I am too capable of understanding. My mirror neurons are overfiring and overwhelmed with emotion. I want to just crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. In fact, I'm going to do exactly that. And then I'll wake up and wash my brand new hair style.

Imaginary argument

I had a big imaginary argument with Grey in the car. (Yes, I talk back to the voices). In my head, I let him have it for constantly making me feel shitty about myself. In my imaginary argument, I yelled and cried. I told him that he was a colossal jerk for always making me shitty about myself. For behaving like a child by provoking an unnecessary argument. For thinking that he's better than me. And for making me believe that is true. I told him that I was smart and capable and that I deserve to be treated better. And then, because we were driving, I pulled over and made him get out. Then I drove away and felt shitty and wished that I hadn't lost my temper. From this imaginary argument, I learned that it never feels good to get angry. That's it far better to be level-headed and deal with negativity in a productive, mature way. Now if only I could figure out how to do that in real life.

I'm very tired so I think I should try to go to bed right now. I wish it helped to think constructively about my interactions with Grey. Perhaps it will help me in my next relationship. If I ever stop thinking about him long enough to get over him. I have to keep reminding myself that two Friday nights in a row do not a relationship make.

Another unsent letter to B

It's good to know that my instincts about you were right.

All those times I worried about you being with someone else. At the end when you couldn't look me in the eye when you were talking to me. When you kept saying you loved me and still wanted us to be together but your words lacked sincerity and warmth.

I remember thinking "who the hell is she?" but I don't remember if that was before or after our "break" started. Maybe I should have asked. I feel as though you lied and cheated. Why did you stay with me? Why did you have sex with me? Did you fly home and have sex with her? Were you already having sex with her when you came to visit and had sex with me?

Just when I was starting to think there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. I feel blindsided. I was just starting to think I would be happier not knowing the truth. Because I don't really need the extra baggage.

Now I may never be able to trust another man who talks about marriage and buying property and growing old together How can this happen to one person twice in one lifetime?

I'm such an idiot. Gullible. How did I believe all the things you said? It's a good thing I reminded myself this afternoon that I don't need anyone. That I'm self-sufficient and have no expectations of anyone.

Men are monkeyfuckers.

Monster

When it's late at night and my defenses are down, I am more honest with myself. More able to accept my feelings. Or rather, less able to ignore them.

I am horrified to be so callous and uncaring. At pushing so hard at everything that doesn't cooperate when I want things my way. Perhaps I deserve to be single forever. Why would anyone choose a companion so self-centred and unable to acknowledge it?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what is right anymore. I don't even know how I feel anymore. Do I care about him? Yes, undoubtedly. But what is that feeling? Is it the condescension of Jane Austen's usage? I don't think I'm better than him. But I don't respect him. Perhaps that's the problem. I don't know if I have ever really respected him. Is it possible to respect someone if you don't respect yourself? What's the difference between feeling respect for someone and feeling intimidated by them?

Basically what it comes down to is that I hate myself. When it's late and I'm alone and too tired to keep up the defenses, I turn all of my negative energy on myself. At night, it's harder for me to pretend confidence. When there are people around, I fake it. If I talk it, I can walk it, right? Wrong. It's just low self-esteem propped up by the illusion of being capable and intelligent and self-sufficient. It's easier to project the anger and pain onto the people that are close to you. When he told me he wouldn't let go, somehow that meant he gave me a license to mistreat him.

What an epiphany. But now what do I do?

It might be time to blog again

The intervals between blog entries are getting longer. I wonder why this might be.

Possible reasons include:

1. It's summer so I'm busy which means less thoughtful. Or maybe just less time to write.
2. I'm happier. I don't feel happier overall. But for some reason I am not feeling up to writing.
3. I'm tired all the time. That means fewer late nights, less stamina to stay up writing.
4. Procrastination has taken over my life. I am reading and rereading the Amelia Peabody series. It helps me to escape from my life. It invariably makes me smile or laugh out loud in under two pages. I like to feel empowered and those books do it for me. Also, there is so much rich detail that I seem to see and hear new things every time I read them.

I finished Harry Potter on the Sunday morning after it came out. For some reason I have held off rereading it. I will soon though. I have read all the other ones so many times I have lost count. 7? 8? More?

Is it wrong to feel boiling hatred and consuming anger towards your significant other? I have a problem. When I don't talk to him for a few days, I forget how much I care about him. When he's too busy to talk to me, I feel like that means he doesn't care about me anymore. Why do I think that? And how do I fix that?

Today we had a long conversation. I think that he is beginning to understand that communication is important to me. After all, it's the only thing we have right now. I told him that we need to have a real conversation once a week. I'm definitely going back to work full-time after I'm done school. I can't take the pressure to finish and move and find happily ever after. I need some time to make this work without worrying about my thesis and lab work and grades and funding.

He has 4 vacation days left in the year. That makes me sad. That's less than one day a month for the next 5 months. I have already booked my flight down there for my birthday. I don't want to go down there and be frustrated about his not having time for me. And what about his high school reunion in September? How is this going to work?

Some days I miss the sound of his voice. Other days I get so angry that I convince myself that I don't want to be with him. That I don't need anything from him. That I don't need anybody. That I'm better off alone. That I hate him and I wish he would just end it and save us both the agony. That's when I push him away. Passively and aggressively. Then I am sad that the future we have planned isn't real. It's all just a figment of my imagination. Too good to be true. God, I have so much baggage. Why is he with me?

I feel like he barely knows me at all. He certainly doesn't know how to make me laugh. Most days he brings me down. I don't think he can correctly interpret my facial expressions. Sometimes I think he only hears a fraction of my words and even less of my meaning. I went to my doctor and had a whole suite of blood tests and ultrasounds. Everything came up negative. I am going to see a gastroenterologist in October. We haven't talked about it at all. I'm a bit scared. I miss my old Valentine. He is seeing someone now. She travels a lot though. I guess he must like the relationship because it means he's on his own most of the time.

Tonight I am overcome with sadness. I think I know why. I'm tired. My parents are in town. They always make my blood pressure go up. I realized that the reason I'm in pain when I take my pill on an empty stomach is because it has lactose in it. I retaliated against my rude waiter this evening by not leaving a tip. There were some words but the parting wasn't acrimonious. I still feel shitty though. Why didn't he just bring me a new drink instead of ganging up with the bartender against me? Who puts ice in champagne or sparkling wine? B said he would talk to me tonight. When he said it, I knew that we wouldn't talk tonight. But I was hopeful when I got home. He was online but I didn't get a response. Hope and disappointment are soul-crushing.

I am sick of myself

I am a bad person. I don't deserve to be loved. I am my mother's daughter. She is a mean and nasty and bitter and resentful person. She made me the way that I am and I don't know how to change. Sometimes that makes me cry but most of the time it just makes me want to kill myself.

Back

I'm back. The daily grind has been more hectic than anything else.

Two Fridays ago, I wrote my last exam ever, I think. I hope I don't do something crazy and actually enrol in any more courses next year. I was excited to take all of these courses but I have to say that I have been disappointed by the level of teaching at this university. Two of the five courses have been enjoyable. That is to say, stimulating and challenging and rewarding. Three have been stressful for no reason other than the professor was a tyrannical grumpus. Oh, it's just occurring to me that I have enjoyed the courses taught by female professors but not by male professors. Hmm...

I am supposed to be starting on my thesis proposal but I just can't seem to motivate myself. The weather has turned all nice and sunny. I'm appreciative of this. Normally I would wish it to be cold and grey and rainy but I'm enjoying the heat and the light. Damn this province. I need to get away from here quickly. I was sick when I wrote that exam and the cough won't go away. I've been taking cough syrup with codeine but I think that that one little teaspoon taken at night makes me groggy and lethargic for 24 hours. I didn't take it last night but I did sleep a lot today. I also got my period two weeks early. Just after B left, there was a clot of very red blood, about the size of a my fingernail. I don't want to think about what it might have been. I have been very unproductive for over a week now.

I have a week left to do my taxes. I hate taxes. I am having dim sum tomorrow morning so that may motivate me to come home and be productive. It's unlikely but you never know. I suppose I could always nap away the afternoon.

Monday afternoon I am driving X's parents home from the hospital. X's dad will be having his second radiation treatment. I have never seen anyone after a radiation treatment and I'm worried how he will look and feel and my reaction to that and also whether or not he will be uncomfortable squashed into my small car. Perhaps that is trivial but there will be the usual QEW traffic so the drive home could be an hour if not more, even though the distance is a scant 25 km or less.

Tuesday I think I will go into the office to check out my new cubicle. I'm very excited about this even though I only plan to be in the office one day a week, if that. If it's a window, I might consider going in on weekends. Too bad the office is so far away. Rather, too bad gas is so damn expensive. Anyway, I'll deal with that later.

I'm going to the Bahamas again in 25 days. B's best friend is getting married and they invited me to the wedding. B said that this was an important enough event that he wants me to be there so he paid for the flight and I'll pay him back when I get down there. I'm excited and nervous and distracted. I'm looking forward to it, I think.

He was very good to me while he was here. He bought me a ring and a new pair of Skechers and paid for groceries for the party and bought me my new shiny Brita filter. He took me out to breakfast and lunch and dinner. He cuddled and caressed and cooked. He stayed out of my way when I was studying and quietly let me sleep in. And I was a complete and total raving bitch. I was sleep-deprived and stressed and awful to him. I was anxious to be gone when I dropped him off at the airport so that I could finish my paper and start studying. I was happy to have my bed back with my clean 983742 thread count sheets and all my pillows to myself. I eradicated all traces of boy from the apartment the weekend after he left. Perhaps I don't deserve him.

Things have been a bit rough with us. I guess I'll be honest here because it's my blog and because nobody is reading it. I'm not sure if I can go through with this. I want to but I'm not sure if I love him. I have told him that I do. I know, it's an awful thing to confess. But he wanted to hear it, he needed to hear it, so I said it. But I don't even know what it means to love anymore. And I'm beginning to think that I never knew what it meant. I think about X sometimes and I wonder if we loved each other. Sometimes I still cry when I think about him and I regret what happened. I miss him. I know now that I pushed him away and everything fell apart because he didn't have the strength or the desire to resist. Perhaps it was the right decision but I'm not sure if I will ever be convinced of that and I don't think that I will ever get over it.

I think about my Valentine and how I almost believed that he was strong enough to be my man. But he wasn't. He left like all the rest. When I pushed him away. After weeks and months of being a terrible person. I miss him too. The way he always knew how to make me laugh. The way that he would call me on it when I was full of shit. The way that he wanted to be good at salsa dancing so that he could show me off and show off to me. The way that he said, "come on, you can talk to me."

And I push B away. Hard. And often. I can't figure out if I'm sabotaging this, as I do with everything. Or maybe in my soul I don't feel that this is right and that's why I push him away. I argue with him over trivial matters. Sometimes it even seems trivial at the time but I can't let it go. The way that he communicates. The insensitive things that he says. And I'm unable to distinguish the things that trigger my emotions and separate out what is rational and logical from the irrational and emotional. It's unfair to him but I don't know how to change my responses and my reactions.

I know that I push. I push hard and I'm not a nice person. So far he has said that he wants to work on it, that he knows that it won't be easy, that he won't let me go, that I'm stuck with him. Is that what I want? What I need? Am I that kind of woman? I think so. I want him to hold on and not let go while I push and struggle and scream and cry. I want him to break through to the other side. I need him to prove to me that this is what he really wants. And that's the only way I think I will believe that he's sincere.

I know, it's a terrible thing. I don't know what happened in my past to make me this person. I want to be a different person. I want to be nice and sweet and sensitive and caring and generous. I want to love myself the way that he clearly loves me but I don't know how. I wonder, until I can love myself, how can I love anyone else? And I think, how can I expect anyone else to love me, if I can't love myself? Is this the ultimate vicious cycle?

Unsent email to my former would-be Valentine

So, you've had a week to get out of town, think about things and maybe process a little bit.

I will likely not send you this email but I wanted to write it because there are some things bothering me and I need to get them out of my head.

I realize that you must have been very angry when I talked to you last week because I don't think that you would normally have lashed out at me with some of the things that you said. But, for some reason, I feel the need to defend myself. I shouldn't care at all about this because I'm finally happy.

So here are the three things that I feel I need to straighten out with you.

1. There was nothing going on before. Nothing. MSN conversations, forwarded emails, drunk dialled calls on Skype from him to me when I was up late studying. That was it. Think what you will but that's the truth.

2. You said that it doesn't say a lot for what we had before. What did we have before? Phone calls. Emails. One visit. Some good laughs. Bad timing. Not once were you open and forthcoming about how you felt about me. Except to say that you were too scared to come visit me because you didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Just because I'm at grad school, that doesn't mean that time stands still. We agreed not to consider the other person in our major life decisions. Neither of us was going to wait for the other. You said yourself that you're thinking about buying property. You wanted to sit on the fence because you couldn't commit. I was never sitting on the fence next to you.

After your birthday and then Valentine's Day, you knew how I felt about you. You could have done what you needed to do to get what you wanted. The fact that you didn't tells me that you didn't want it bad enough. I know that because X did the exact same thing 4 years ago. I can recognize it now.

3. And actually, if I'm being really honest, whatever might have been in the past year was lost for good the week before I left. I haven't been through a week that bad for a very long time. I can't remember the last time. Being sick, scared of the thyroid thing, my family thing, with two tough midterms was all a bit too much for me.

I thought that I could make you understand by being honest with you. I've only ever told one person before that I have seriously considered ending my life. But apparently, even that wasn't enough for you to realize that it was never about you. You said that you didn't know who you were getting. You were getting me.

I've said it before and I'll say it to you again. Every single guy who has wanted in changed his mind. Without fail. You are just one more of those guys. And that is really disappointing because I thought that I had finally found a man who was strong enough. I was wrong. Again. And I found out the hard way - when I needed you most to overlook all of my failings and weaknesses. To get past all of your own neuroses and ask yourself what was really going on. To look beyond your own universe and find out what was going on in mine.

Oh yeah, there was one other thing. You said that seeing my personal messages online really hurt you. I didn't do that on purpose. As far as I know, you are never online. If you're lurking and hiding, I can't be responsible for what you may or may not see. If I had thought there was any possibility you would see that stuff, I would have been more sensitive. I didn't post all of the photos until after I had told you because I wanted you to hear it from me and not see it online and make your own inferences. I'm sorry that you were hurt by that. But if you're not going to let people know that you're around, you can't expect them to consider your feelings.

Undoubtedly, you will think whatever you want about me. I went down there alone to look for some time and space to relax and unwind and leave all of the depression and sadness behind. What I found was unexpected and unbelievable and wonderful and surreal and comfortable and happy. So I'm going to hold onto it with everything I have and do whatever it takes to make it work.

I'm happy now. Finally. I think I deserve that.