Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Down Undah?

I got an email from a coworker in Australia. We used to work together in Vancouver. He asked me if I wanted to go to Melbourne for a 6 month secondment.

I'm seriously considering it. If the timing works out, and they don't need someone until September, and I can finish my thesis by the middle to end of August, I will probably go.

Crazy? I think so. Good crazy.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Dancing around

Ugh. I am so weak.

I was going to write more but I don't think that I will. To make a long and unnecessary story short, I said "no" on the phone in response to his booty call and he still somehow got me over there. No sex, despite his repeated, insistent, sometimes too-assertive demands for it. Just cuddles and kisses. However, when he finally woke up in the morning (I was long gone after his log-sawing chased me out of bed), he was so wasted that he didn't even remember I had been over there. If I hadn't left a note, he wouldn't have found his key. If I hadn't texted him to look for the note, he might not have noticed it on the laptop until tomorrow. Okay, that's enough about that.

I started a belly dancing class last week and I fashioned myself a fancy hip scarf. I bought two small scarfs (black and maroon) and sewed them together to make one big one. When it is completely finished, I might even take a photo (of my ass with bells on!) and post it here for all the interweb to see.

It felt oddly domestic and reassuring to take needle and thread to fabric after many years. But now I must sleep. I have a big conference call in the morning. I will be on the client end and my boss and her boss on the office end. Scary.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


I dreamt about Grey this morning. It was a weird dream. I haven't had one in a while.

We were having sex and he said to me, "this is as good as it's ever going to get baby".

Then a series of thoughts, like a camera on slow shutter speed. It's only ever going to be like this. Where we have sex on his schedule. Randomly. I will only ever be at his beck and call. Nothing more. Not with him. Not with anyone. And he knows it. He knows that I will always come when called. It must be nice for him to know that. He must feel comforted that I will always be there for him. That he won't ever have to be alone if he doesn't want to be alone. So in a warped sense, that makes me his. Forever. Because, while we are in this state of nothing, I won't ever find someone who will want me the way he doesn't want me. Who will be able to give me more. Who will want me to be more than just a warm body on a cold night.

I looked up at him, wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights and said, "that must be reassuring for you. To know that you'll always have me around because you know that I can't do any better than this".

I woke up crying.
A few months ago, a friend asked me if X was the big love of my life. I was vague with her but no, he was not. I know that. Sometimes I worry that the big love of my life has passed me by. That I'm done loving for this lifetime. That I had it for a moment, but I chased it away, or it eluded me, and now it's gone forever. Or The One didn't share the feeling. What happens if The One doesn't also think you're The One? I am so lonely but I have grown used to the lonely. Not entirely comfortable with it but now it's such a fact of life that I can't imagine my life without this feeling.

Monday, June 22, 2009

An inch might as well be a mile

Okay, I'm not mopey and forlorn anymore. The pity party is over. I slept last night. Which is weird for a Sunday night. I can't remember the last time I slept on a Sunday night. But I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. Weird. Then I spent most of the day at work thesising. Ssssh don't tell anyone. And I spent all day looking forward to my first belly dancing class. This is something I have wanted to do for some time now but I wanted my friend to teach me. I better come up with a name for her....


I wanted Slinky to be the one to teach me. She is an amazing dancer and has been doing the belly dance thing for years. She performs on weekends (in addition to holding down a full-time day job) and she is good. She's not dirty or skanky like a lot of belly dancers you see performing in restaurants or festivals. She is graceful and beautiful and she has a sort of childish innocence that isn't naive at all. I'm not doing justice to her art form. Anyway, I wanted her to be my teacher. So when she phoned me last week to say she was teaching a beginner class, I signed up on the spot. $135 for 8 weeks from 7 to 8 pm on Monday nights. I'm so excited. Fortunately I have years of classical dance training (ballet and bharatnatyam) not to mention salsa and ballroom and swing to build on so I'm not starting totally from scratch. Did I mention that I'm excited?

Anyway, I was going somewhere with this post. I have mostly learned to be somewhat happy with the way that my body looks. I'm never going to be skinny (again) and I work out to feel strong and healthy. I have a few goals, some of which I actively work towards. Like being able to touch my toes. And holding downward dog without wanting to fall on my head. And running without breaking my knees. I would love to be able to do a headstand or a cartwheel again. Or even Bakasana with my feet off the floor.

But you know what I would really love? I would love to lose an inch off my waist. I should stop participating in free ice cream day at the office. And maybe not eat a garlic pretzel at 9 pm. (Oh the plus side, no vampires in my house toight!). But I love food. I'm thinking about dedicating my thesis to Pillsbury brownies in a tube.

Weekend Blogorrhea

I haven't written anything because I really don't have anything to write. I spent this weekend alternately sleeping and feeling nauseated. I must be fighting off the flu or something. I went out for Korean BBQ on Friday night and followed it up with bubble tea and ice cream cake. Birthdays. Ugh. Then Saturday, I slept until 12.30, thesised until 4.30 and then slept until 6.30. I ate nothing for most of the day and went out for Thai for another birthday dinner. It was horribly awkward for me. I didn't know anyone except the birthday boy and spent the entire time waiting for 9 pm to roll around so I could leave. Today I slept until 2.30 pm! Pretended to work (but reading this blog) until 7 and went over to A's parents house so they could feed me. Unfortunately I couldn't finish my food because I felt queasy. Serves me right for only eating Cheetos all day, I guess. Oh yeah, I also spent some time crying last night. I don't really recall why. I mean, it must have been because of Grey. I happen to know he was watching a movie with a friend and I was watching a movie alone. Oh right, I was watching Pretty Woman. Insomniac. Alone on the couch. With a chick flick. Great. My life is meaningless and empty. Now I remember why I haven't written anything all week.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

La vie en gris

I recorded Sabrina some time ago but only just got around to watching it tonight. Mostly because I was trying to clear some space on my hard drive. I didn't think I would get sucked in but I totally did. I laughed, I cried, I sighed. And stayed up way past my bedtime. Where is my Linus? I need to get over David...

For those of you that think B&W movies are lame, I'm emailing this to my pen pal next. It's still B&W but it's funny and not at all sappy.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

First draft done!

I'm done my first draft! I took today off and busted my ass and finished my methodology section. Wow, that feels pretty good. Granted, I still have to do one final read through all 17 pages tomorrow before I give a hard copy to my snoopervisors to review. But it feels good to know that I will be able to take this weekend off. There will be husband birthday dinner and Russell Peters and wedding anniversary tea. But I think I will celebrate with pistachio ice cream at Ed's Real Scoop at the Beaches (the Beach?) after work tomorrow. Okay, I'm going to finish up references now. Fortunately there are but a few.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Fu&ktard #2 (dozen)

Holy mother of God.

D texted me this morning but I left my phone at home today and didn't get the message until just now. Here is a synopsis of the shortest text conversation I have ever had:

D: Hey how's it going? Do anything cool on the weekend? I am going to call you tonight after [the kid] is in bed if its okay.

Me: Sorry forgot the phone at home today and only just got in. Don't feel obligated to call and talk. I'm pretty sure i know which direction the wind is blowing your sails.

D: If you mean that I sense we aren't compatible for long term, but that I would like to continue having fun with you on a casual basis. Then yes, you know my winds. If you not cool with that, I want to continue professionally with you wothout [sic] missing a beat

Fucking guy. Sure knows how to make a woman feel like a piece of meat. Jerk.

Happy Sunday

So, despite GH's request for a recap of my Saturday with Grey, I have decided not to share the lurid details. After all, is there any reason for it? We went for dim sum. We went for a ride on his Ducati. Really, really fast. But I trust him (yeah, I'm stupid, I get that) and I wasn't worried. We went back to his place and watched a movie. Frost/Nixon. And stuff. He was fine, mostly. And then he drove me home. I don't expect a phone call or anything. Ever.

I had a good Sunday as well. I went over to A's parents house for lunch instead of dinner and then spent the afternoon thesising. It was fairly productive and I got to May 6, 2008 in my lab book. I'm writing the methodology section by reading through my lab book from beginning to end. I hope to submit it it on Thursday afternoon or Friday. I hope. Not sure that it's possible but I am going to try.

Then I had dinner at a friend's place and met one of her new friends and it was nice. Right now, I'm going to lie on the couch with my last brownie and be a vegetable for a bit. Maybe a zucchini. Or a squash. Tomorrow I'm going to leave work at 5, come home and bake another tray of brownies, put on my thesis shoes and keep reading through my lab book. I'm actually thinking about taking a day off work this week but I'm not sure that's a good idea. It's tempting fate to take a sick day when you're not actually sick, right? Right.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

D for dim sum... and more disaster?

Grey just messaged me. We're going for dim sum. On his new bike. Fuck me. But I could never say no to that man.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Call 9-1-1

There is a global shortage of manly men. I'm declaring a state of emergency.

June 4, 2009

I'm wearing black and white today.



He's a disaster. He came over last night and stayed over (at my suggestion) because it was so late and we've been staying up late the last few nights (get your mind out of the gutter - I've been working late and thesising late). I don't have to go to work today so I had planned to sleep in while he went to work. Unfortunately his alarm didn't wake him up and he ignored me when I tried to wake him up. Until I reminded him he needed to get out before his car got towed. THAT got him moving. Slowly. It took him half an hour to get dressed, get out the door and call the towing company to find out where they took his car. He wasn't annoyed with himself for having to pay $200 to get his car back. He wasn't stressed about being late for his meeting. He didn't even get dressed right away when he discovered his car had been towed. And he didn't ask me to drive him to the impound lot. Maybe he assumed I would or maybe he figured he would get there somehow if I didn't offer. There was no frenzied rushing around or swearing or anything that I (or another normal person) would have done. I find that strange. I guess he does get stressed about things but not the same things that make me anxious. Fortunately I only had to drive him to pick it up and not to the meeting in a northern municipality that he's going to be very, very late for.

I'm going back to bed for a bit. And while I'm there, I'm going to try to convince myself to end it with D (for disaster) because I need someone who has his life together and is a bit more polished. I miss MFV.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Long conversation

We had a long chat on the phone tonight. He assumed I was breaking up with him. Man, this guy is needy. But that's okay, I think. For now. It turns out he's just a bit slow. He has been so sure that he is "serious" about me, about how much he likes me, that he just assumed I knew how he felt. So he figured he didn't have to call this weekend. And didn't have to make plans with me this week. Or even let me know that he would be free this week and would like to make plans. He just assumed I would know. Somehow. Gah.

Anyway, I think that I communicated clearly to him that he has to phone at least once in the space of 48 hours just to let me know that he's thinking of me because I won't just instinctively know that. Also, if he knows which nights he won't have his son, he has to let me know ahead of time and not just assume I will be free to hang out. Because chances are good that I won't be. Today, I made plans for Tuesday night and Wednesday night because I couldn't bear the thought of eating alone all week and all weekend (bachelor party). It turns out he's free Tuesday through Thursday night but only thought to tell me that at 10 pm. Boys are dumb. But we have tentative plans for both nights. Subject to my schedule, not his. Improvement.