Sunday, September 30, 2007


I'm single again. When did I start writing this blog? February. Eight months later and I'm alone again. I'm starting to think that I was alone all along. And maybe I'm supposed to be alone. I think the Universe is trying to tell me something. The other stuff that made me happy was just an illusion. I guess I've said that before. I'm tired. I really want to go to bed but I started washing my sheets and then ended up going out before I could put them in the dryer. I can use the other sheet set but they're a lower thread count and I want my regular sheets tonight.

B and I broke up this evening. I'm relieved and exhausted and drained. I think that's a good sign. A relationship should be rewarding right? When it gets to be too much work, then it's not worth it, right? When I'm putting in more work than he is, then it's time to end it, right? He could barely look at me tonight. That was disappointing. The fact that he didn't have a be-all and end-all solution to the problem.

Although, I admit that I felt compelled to end it because of the mysterious guy that I fell so hard for. At least I was already feeling like I had done everything I could do before I met him. I know I shouldn't have cheated but, at this point, it's irrelevant. It's over. Whatever the reasons, they're now irrelevant. It wouldn't have been right to keep B thinking everything was fine, when clearly it wasn't, and for so many reasons. There's just no way he would have been able to measure up to the older, successful, sophisticated guy who surprised me so much when I was least expecting it. I really miss him. I guess that's why I feel relieved that things are over with B.

Maybe my friend with the painted pink dress is right and it just hasn't hit me yet. Maybe it'll hit me tonight. Or tomorrow morning. Or tomorrow night when I'm at home alone instead of being at B's surprise party. Or in a few months. When I'm alone for my birthday. Or Christmas.

The words are just pouring out of my fingers tonight but I don't feel anything but sheer exhaustion and fatigue. B shoved me out of bed last night. He was lying in a star shape in the centre of the bed and I couldn't move him. I went to sleep on the couch and he didn't even ask me why this morning. Turns out my couch is pretty comfortable. Perhaps I should just sleep there tonight. But I still want my sheets. Perhaps this is a primal urge. For comfort and familiarity. Not that I'm upset or angry or bitter or resentful. I just miss the mysterious guy.

When I was having sex with B, I thought about him. When B was neglecting me at the reunion, I thought of him. I thought of him in the car on the drive up, on the drive back down, at the pub drinking a beer and talking to strange boys I must have met 14 years ago and don't remember, even though a lot of them remember me. Is it too soon to check on my sheets?

Now I'm drying one sheet at a time. Not that it will be faster but at least they will seem to dry faster.

B didn't have a lot to say to me in the last 48 hours. I was surprised by that, given his tendency to verbosity in almost every other situation. He can sure talk shit when he should listen.

Meanwhile, I just spent a few hours with my painted pink girlfriend and almost every word of that conversation was useful. Even the silences were fine. I was uncomfortable with B on Thursday night when we went for sushi. Maybe because I was thinking of the mysterious guy and how he made me laugh and B was incapable of holding my interest or even trying to find out what I was thinking. B talked about my trip to the Bahamas in November as though everything was normal. He said that we could go to Freeport and sort of leered at me. I realize that in hindsight. Maybe he was just with me for the sex. At least that was good. Our issues certainly didn't prevent him from doing all the things he did before. But perhaps I found that part of the conversation off-putting. The fact he would consider my trip in November without even acknowledging the fact that we hadn't talked in three weeks. Like I was supposed to forget that I was disappointed and frustrated with him once he tempted me with getting away to a different island. The thing is, I knew then that I wasn't going. His parents will be out of town that week and I was planning to spend most of the week with his mother because B only has one vacation day left this year.

So there's no longer any reason to go down. I hope she enjoys the maple syrup anyway. B didn't even offer to pay me back for the stuff I bought him from Costco. It's a good thing I didn't get him a birthday present. And I guess I'll keep his FCUK shirt. At this point, I'm going to a show by myself tomorrow but I'd rather go alone than take someone who won't appreciate it. I did ask the mysterious guy but he's going to a baseball game (!). Then I asked the person who introduced us and she's busy too. So I asked my painted pink girlfriend and she has a meeting. She said she would see if she could move the meeting but, at this point, I'd really rather go alone.

Is it time to check on the sheet again? It's getting there.

Another interesting thing to note was that, this time, my mother was one of the first to know. I was in the process of writing a text message to my sister so that she could tell my mother but then my mother called so I broke the "happy" news to her. I expect she's overjoyed. She never liked him. Not then and not now. I also sent a mass email out to all of the friends I have spoken to about this in the last few weeks. Perhaps that's tacky but I think that I'm going to try and spend a minimum amount of energy thinking about B from now on. If the third time isn't a charm, I don't think we were meant to be together. At least now we know for sure.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

It's too late to apologize

I have been waiting all night for my phone to ring. That's my ring tone. Timbaland and One Republic. "And I need you like a heart needs a beat, But it's nothin new..."

I've always wanted the things I can't have. And I don't want the things I can have.

"I'm holding on your rope, Got me ten feet off the ground..."

And suspended I'll stay for a very long time, I think.

The others weren't like this. I resented and suffered and hated and then forgot. None of those others mattered in time. They were mistakes I needed to make. Because I need to suffer to feel human. But you have made me suffer acutely with the exquisite pain that comes with yearning and waiting and hoping and not being able to let go.

I think I was born to suffer. The words don't come when I'm at peace. I'm able to focus on other things and be busy and the illusion of happiness stays with me. But when my heart hurts, that's when I need the therapy of words. You got me with your words. And those words will stay with me for a long time. I hope that something will come around to ease that longing. I doubt it though. I thought you were a butterfly. But you were a moth. A quick jolt in the dark that leaves a memory so forceful that the feelings remain long after the experience has passed.

Like that money bat that made me scream in the night. B laughed when that happened. I remember being unimpressed that he found my fear amusing. "But it's just a money bat". Whatever the fuck those are. Big, scary, unexpected. That's what you were to me. And I'll never forget it.

I've obliterated everything. Emails, incoming calls, text messages. Every time you call, I delete your phone number. But the memories and the feelings are still here. Poignant reminders of a mistake I won't soon forget.

Blogger was down last night

I'm happy tonight.

I think I need to face the fact that other people can and do have a profound influence on the way that I am feeling, especially with respect to my self-esteem. I don't know how to fix that. I've worked so hard at being happy in the last few years that I thought I had made progress. Perhaps I haven't come as far as I thought I had.

I talked to the mysterious guy tonight. I did send him that email but he never said anything about it. And I'm 99% sure he read it tonight before I talked to him. Today, on my way to work, I dropped off his shirt at his condo. I enclosed a note saying that I wasn't angry at him, just disappointed in myself and that I hoped he would find someone who could make him happy and take care of him. He called me while I was at class. I called him back (because I'm an idiot and incapable of making a good decision). And we had a relatively normal conversation. I don't know why he wants to talk to me still. My best friend says it's because he thinks he still has a chance to get some sex. And, as cynical as I am, part of me accepts that. But that tiny bit of me that won't let hope die wants to believe that he does care.

At this point, I don't want to think about that. I want to figure out how I can handle my emotions. The last week has been such a roller coaster. Happy on Tuesday. Waiting for him to come home all week. Scared on Friday. Disappointed on Saturday. Confused on Sunday. Upset on Monday. Happy today, a week later. Why can't I keep the emotions on an even keel, despite all of the stuff that has happened? Why can't I be more like the Dalai Lama? Acknowledge them, accept them, let them go. I have accurately predicted the events and my reactions to them all week. But I still can't control the way that I feel. Is it because I can't control the way that I act and react? Is it because it's easier to do what's bad for me and I don't have the strength to make the right decisions? Maybe I actually... enjoy the emotions. I don't think so but maybe I don't want to believe that about myself. That the only way I can really truly feel anything is to do it in the extreme.

B will be here in two more sleeps. If the mysterious guy calls me tomorrow, I will ask him not to call me again this week. That I'll call him next week. I'm nervous about B being here. I know what I want. I want him to cut me loose for a year. I want him to work on getting to know me, on figuring out how to make me laugh, to take an active interest in my life. All the while, not being in a relationship with me. Selfish, isn't it? I'm such a bitch. I hate myself.

All of a sudden, I'm not quite so happy anymore.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Please let me be strong enough not to send this to him tonight

The thing that sucks is that, if you were a different guy and we were in a different place, I would say that we should just forget about this incident and move on because there is so much potential for laughter and good times and friendship and who knows what else... But I don't know you well enough to say that to you.

You said you were not good with commitment and I was okay with that. You said that you were sleeping with other people and I was okay with that too (although I probably shouldn't have been). Actually, I thought it was great for you and respected you for being honest with me. And you said all these things to me that made me think you were sincere. I completely 100% bought the line about shining more brightly than the stars. And I pretended not to hear you say that I took your breath away. That took my breath away. I was floored that you actually fixed my suede shoes. And, as I said, it turned me on that you beat me at Scrabble. I believed everything you said to me because I had no reason not to believe you. But now I just think you're one of those guys that wanted to know what the sex would be like and decided it wasn't that great. And my apologies for not warning you about that. It would have gotten better, I promise.

You said you're not one of those guys, but you just became one of those guys. I wish you would prove it to me. I want to believe that you did it inadvertently but I think I want to believe you because I did care what you thought of me and I did care how you were feeling. It bothered me to see you stressed out about work. I was happy when you were relaxed. I was comfortable just lying on the couch with you watching a movie. Or watching the news in bed. It felt right. Like I'd known you my whole life, even though I had just met you.

I am so disappointed that the one man who has made me laugh and made me think and made me just relax and forget my insecurities turned out to be just another one of those guys. I'm disappointed for being stupid and gullible. I'm tougher than that, or so I thought. Remember when I said "who are you?" That was because I really thought you were unique. If I'm being really honest with myself, even though I said I had no expectations, I did want to hope... But as I've often said, "I'm done with hope. Disappointment is much more predictable."

So my problem now is this. There's this guy who thinks he's still my boyfriend. After this weekend, he won't be. He says he wants to marry me. He thinks that he loves me. Not that I have any idea what "love" is. But he can't make me laugh and doesn't have the tiniest bit of interest in my life, or what I think or how I feel. Six months ago, I was prepared to overlook all of that. After spending 7 years thinking I loved someone who loved me right back, I learned that I was never going to be enough for anyone but this guy seems to think that I'm his everything. I don't want that anymore. I want more. My problem now is, I'd rather spend twelve hours with you than the rest of my life with him. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Dictionary disappointment

The thing is, I don't really know what just happened in the last 24 hours. Everything was fine. You were back in town, I was waiting for you to make the call and we were going to spend a few hours being witty and charming and funny and then have ridiculously sinful sex. Instead, I am left feeling like a complete fool. I feel cheap and used and betrayed and disappointed and alone. Not that I'm justified in feeling that way, because I'm not your girlfriend. I guess I wanted to be more than just the late night cuddle call but I told myself every day "he's not the boyfriend, you have a boyfriend." I wish I hadn't let you in so easily.

You were like the dictionary: all the right words in all the right places. How did I fall for that? I guess that makes me a word whore. And Scrabble too. You had me well and good with Scrabble. That's why I did what I did that night. Because you beat me at Scrabble. I respected you for that. I guess I can't respect myself and someone else at the same time.

The effect of this entire episode is that I have completely lost any trust in a man's sincerity. In future, if I hear "you're beautiful" or "you're funny" or "you take my breath away" or, god forbid, "Why would I look at the stars or the boats? You're shining brighter than anything else tonight", I'll just laugh and walk away with my dignity and self-respect.

Right now, I hate you for making me feel like just another fish in the sea. All of your words and actions were an experiment, weren't they? Just designed to see what would work on me and what would turn me off. When you said you were a bad guy, I didn't see it. That you were using me for something different than I was using you. Shame on me for not being perceptive enough. Yes, I am an idiot. For not seeing what you were doing to me. I thought you were just putting yourself out there. But did I see the man behind the mask? I don't think so. I used you for company, to help me feel like the world wasn't such a big, empty, lonely place. What did I take from you that you didn't need? I needed the crumbs of my self-esteem and I thought you were giving those to me for free. I didn't realize I would end up paying such a high price.

How did I become this invested so quickly? I realized the whole time that you just wanted sex. You said so yourself. That you're not good with commitment. I hope that the other two girls you're playing with are more resilient than I am. Because resilient I am not. I cry and self-destruct. Although, arguably, this whole thing was part of the larger self-destruction that is my life. I wanted you to be different. Why? Maybe I wanted some reason to hope, to not be disappointed, to believe in love. Whatever that word means. I don't think I will ever know.

I still have your shirt. It doesn't smell like you anymore. I was hoping to exchange it for another one to get me through the next 4 days. And I think you would have appreciated that trade. You do seem very attached to that shirt. I'll probably wear it to bed again tonight. It feels soft against my breasts. Your hands would have felt better but I'll forget about that in time. Just another pair of hands wanting to touch and squeeze and caress and play. Yours were nicer than others but that feeling will pass. Maybe you'll call me when you remember that I have it and I'll tell you to shove it up your ass. Maybe you won't call because you'll be smart and decide to buy another one. Just leave it alone. Please leave it alone. I need to heal and forget and become hardened and cynical.

I'm giving up on hope now. Disappointment is much more predictable.

Disappointment is inevitable

I was right. Hope is soul-crushing and disappointment is far more predictable.

He was texting someone else last night. Huge blow to my self-esteem. He did apologize profusely for being an idiot but there aren't any words that can erase this hole that he just blew in the centre of my chest cavity.

I just deleted all of the text messages, emails, facebook messages, his cell number from my phone, shredded his business card, blocked and deleted him off MSN and put him on limited profile on facebook. Maybe if I obliterate all signs of him, it's like I won't have ever felt any of this. Hopefully I have finally learned my lesson this time around.

I'm not sure what to do with his $70 Hugo Boss t-shirt though. Maybe I'll set fire to it. That might be therapeutic. I'm joking, obviously. I wouldn't ever do anything that melodramatic. Drama is just not in my nature.

Epiphany in a vacuum

Love is an illusion.
I have never known what it is
What the word means
But whatever I thought I knew
I now know to be false.
Love does not exist.
That feeling that someone else
Could contribute something
To my life,
Could make me happy,
Is transient.
Nothing is permanent.
Everything ends.
Some things sooner than others.
Most relationships,
All attraction,
Every feeling
And thought.
Love is not real.
Happiness is an illusion.
Nothing really exists.
It was all just a figment
Of my hypersensitive imagination.
Hoping, dreaming, waiting, feeling.
Everything is nothing.
Nothing is real.

I'm an idiot

I'm such a fool. If he didn't have my number until I called him, does that mean he thought he was texting someone else? There were two messages that didn't make sense. I thought he was just tired. But now I realize that they might have been out of context, because he thought I was someone else. I feel like an idiot now. Should I bring this up with him? Does it matter? Obviously I care but why? Is it just that I don't like feeling stupid or is it more than that? Maybe I do care what he was thinking when he wrote those messages. If they weren't intended for me, they didn't mean anything. So how could something meaningless affect the way that I felt at the time? I was confused, and that was partly the reason for calling him. To talk to him. But I was also happy to just get the messages. Am I really that pathetic?

Hopefully an alternative explanation will present itself in the morning. If not, I guess I'll have to figure out a way to not feel stupid. Or just care less about feeling stupid. He must think I'm an idiot. Why do I care what he thinks about me?

Baby spit up, cupcakes and other charming things

Today was a pretty decent day. I spent several hours with Piglet and her mom and it was fun. We got so much done today. We ran errands, had lunch, she showered and pumped breast milk. Piglet is so much bigger now than she was when I last saw her three weeks ago and she even smiled at me today! It was more likely related to the farting and the subsequent HUGE POOP that she did. But it was still super cute. It was even cute when she spit up on me! Who knew that baby spit up could be so charming? Granted, it was breast milk spit up, but at least she didn't poop on me.

The reason I went over there was because the furnace guy was coming over between 8 am and 1 pm. And he did show up, at 2 pm, while she was breast feeding. Typical, right? She kept saying how glad she was that I came over and I was so happy to be there. The initial weeks after Piglet was born were pretty overwhelming but I think that things are starting to come together which I find immensely reassuring. Perhaps one day, I might be able to be someone's mommy too.

After spending the day with them, I came home and baked chocolate zucchini cupcakes which turned out to be pretty awesome. And after that, I went back to the same neighbourhood and had sushi and played Tumbling Tower and euchre with friends. I have to admit, I had more fun than I thought I would. And we were sober!

I did get to talk to the mysterious guy tonight. I sent him a text message to find out how his trip was and he replied back and completely made me laugh. That made me feel good. I called him on my way home from dinner and we chatted for a bit. It turns out his trip was awful and he also got a new phone so he didn't have my number and he said he was glad that I phoned him. I don't know if I'll see him this weekend but I hope that I do. I keep expecting to be disappointed any second now which would be... helpful since B is coming up on Thursday.

I really need to sort out whatever is going on in my brain. I could get so attached to this mysterious guy if I let myself. Perhaps I'm just deluding myself into believing I'm not already invested... It's just that he makes me smile and I really like that.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I have nothing to blog about today.

But I need to write.

I'm so lonely.

After seminar class, a bunch of us went to the campus pub. They had appies for $3 after 9 pm so we shared a few pitchers and some food and just sat and talked and watched the crazy MBA students get all drunk and stupid.

The entire time I was sitting there, I was lonely. I wanted to leave and come home and talk to someone or be cuddled or something. I don't know. I mean, I was having a good time but all the while very conscious that one of the couples was holding hands at our table. Also very conscious that, this time next week, B will be here.

Today was a relatively good day. I went to yoga class, met with my supervisor, did some research, attempted to bake scones (which ended up crappy but that's okay) and enjoyed my class. But I'm still a bit sad. I guess I'm just sad that I'm lonely. I miss.... something. I don't know what yet.

I hope that the mysterious guy calls me when he gets back into town tomorrow but I'm also half expecting that he won't because I know he'll be tired. And I'll probably end up going over to a friend's house in the evening, even though I don't want to. At least I'm spending the first part of the day with Piglet and her mom. That is something to look forward to at least. And I have to buy groceries to make cupcakes for Saturday. My supervisor, the normal one, is having an end of summer picnic. I'm dreading it a bit but who knows, I might actually have a good time.

Also, I smoked too much today. It's my crutch. I hate it but, as one of my classmates said this evening, "smoking is so wonderful". We toasted that.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Well, fuck.

Today started out good. Great. Lovely. Dreamy. I will not blog about it because I will probably re-read this entry in a couple of months and want to fucking kill myself.

The rest of today was pretty shit. My computer, my baby, my companion, my entertainment, died today. I was really hoping it was the power supply but the tech guy at Canada Computers thinks it's the motherboard. That means that it will take at least two weeks and $60 to fix. I really hope the damn thing is still under warranty and that Asus' RMA process (or whatever the fuck it's called) doesn't screw me over and/or take a bajillion weeks. I miss my music and my bookmarks and my hot keys. At least the tech guy gave me a $10 discount because I have boobs. At least, I think that was the reason for the discount. He said "I'm only gonna charge you $50 instead of $60 because... (pregnant pause)... if I charged you $60 it would be $70 with tax." Yeah, that's what I thought.

Fortunately, I have a laptop courtesy of work. I have some misgivings about using it for such personal uses as blogging anonymously but I am so frigging cold and lonely and miserable right now I don't really give a flying fuck.

I also think I am starting to get sick. I should really not have started smoking again this week but this break thing is harder than I thought it would be. I mean, overall it is a relief not to deal with B's peculiar brand of drama and crap but I am lonely. I just have to keep reminding myself I would be just as lonely (or marginally less so) if we were still on speaking terms because I likely would either be waiting for him to call or in the midst of some energy-sucking, mind-warping, bring-me-down-like-my-mother-on-hormones, negative conversation.

It's time to go to bed.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Letter to B

I came so close to breaking down and calling you today. I thought I had tentative plans for this evening but it turns out I misunderstood. They fell through and I took it badly. Very badly. In the end, I had to get out of the house. I went over to the empty house and checked the mail. Fortunately, the girl with the painted pink dress wasn't there so I watched two episodes of Friends. Laughing does make me feel better. Then I sat on the front step, smoked a cigarette in the dark and came home. I told myself before I left there that I would force myself to watch a movie when I got home. When I was sitting on the front step, I decided on Love Actually. Jamie and Aurelia do make me feel better.

But before I left to go over to the empty house, I looked for you online. You were on Skype. I almost contacted you but something in my brain clicked over and I didn't. Perhaps the thought of how humiliating the conversation would have been if I was crying. I didn't want you to think I was begging for you to take me back. I'm not, but my heart does feel like it's hardening over. Not breaking; that would be too cliche.

Or maybe it was the thought of how much worse I would feel if I tried to call you and you didn't answer. You would know that I had tried and be gratified that I broke down. And I wouldn't have had the comfort of hearing your voice.

At one point in the movie, Carl tells Sarah that she is beautiful. And I heard echoes of your voice saying the same to me. I cried and cried and it felt awful. I never want to feel like this again. I don't know if I miss you or if I miss having someone to reach out and hold onto. The thing is, there have been so few times in the past couple of months that, when I reached out, I found something to hold. That feeling, of having an illusion shattered, the disappointment of believing and being proven wrong, I think, is even worse than knowing that I am really and truly alone.

Although I can and do take care of myself, although I know that I don't need anyone for anything, often I feel as though a significant part of me is missing. Like the other half of a twin should be right there within reach but is always somehow just out of my grasp.

Will I ever find what I am looking for? The more I ask myself that question, the less likely I think that I will find it in you.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Reach out and touch someone

The nights are hardest for me. I feel so alone and lonely and paralyzed that I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could study but I can't. I feel too guilty about not studying to watch a movie or read a book. So I force myself to sit at my desk and stare at the monitor while the minutes just tick away into nothing.

Sometimes, like now, I remember to blog. I remember that sometimes just getting the words out of my head and onto the page makes me feel better. Writing is therapy. But I would rather be getting ready for bed with someone else right now. Sharing the bathroom, turning out the lights, getting under the covers and cuddling with someone warmer than me. It's not about sex or needing a man. It's just about having someone around to take the edge off and remind me that I am human. I have found that one of the hardest things about living alone is the lack of physical contact with other living creatures. Maybe if I had a cat or a dog, I wouldn't feel it quite as intensely.

Sometimes when I get an unexpected hug or just a quick touch on the arm, it feels like a jolt of electricity. After days of not touching another person, my nerves are so on edge that it's as though they're trying to crawl off my body. My finger tips tingle with this strange sensory deprivation. The slightest touch takes on a magnitude that is almost indescribable. Perhaps that's why I am drawn to my friends' pets. They don't require any sort of complex body language or physical space interpretation that humans do. I can just scratch their ears and follow them around looking for a cuddle without humiliating myself.

I really need a hug right now.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Pointless rambling

I don't really have anything new to add tonight. Seminar class was interesting.

I lost my train of thought. A childhood friend who just moved to Kentucky called on Skype. I'm glad I don't live in Kentucky. She's doing her post-doc. I just hope she doesn't end up staying down there. Not that I've ever been to Kentucky.

I'm tired. The neighbours were having rabbit sex again this morning. I officially hate them. I should just go to bed right now.

A group of us went for a drink after class and that was fun. I shouldn't have had a real drink though. Now I can't function.

B is online. I had to email him because I realized today that I can't pick him up from the airport. I'll be in class. He hasn't responded to the email. And the mysterious guy is at a TIFF event tonight schmoozing with celebs. I drunk texted him when I got home. Damn, I'm such a cheap date. Now I feel shitty about myself.

Definitely it is time to go to bed.


When it's late at night and my defenses are down, I am more honest with myself. More able to accept my feelings. Or rather, less able to ignore them.

I am horrified to be so callous and uncaring. At pushing so hard at everything that doesn't cooperate when I want things my way. Perhaps I deserve to be single forever. Why would anyone choose a companion so self-centred and unable to acknowledge it?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what is right anymore. I don't even know how I feel anymore. Do I care about him? Yes, undoubtedly. But what is that feeling? Is it the condescension of Jane Austen's usage? I don't think I'm better than him. But I don't respect him. Perhaps that's the problem. I don't know if I have ever really respected him. Is it possible to respect someone if you don't respect yourself? What's the difference between feeling respect for someone and feeling intimidated by them?

Basically what it comes down to is that I hate myself. When it's late and I'm alone and too tired to keep up the defenses, I turn all of my negative energy on myself. At night, it's harder for me to pretend confidence. When there are people around, I fake it. If I talk it, I can walk it, right? Wrong. It's just low self-esteem propped up by the illusion of being capable and intelligent and self-sufficient. It's easier to project the anger and pain onto the people that are close to you. When he told me he wouldn't let go, somehow that meant he gave me a license to mistreat him.

What an epiphany. But now what do I do?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Who am I?

Today I got a phone call that made me laugh. From a man that makes me laugh. Last night, I told him that B and I are taking a break for a couple of weeks. I realized over the weekend that I wasn't happy with our relationship. (Yes, I know, I'm slow). Our conversations have deteriorated to the point that neither of us has any desire to make the other person laugh and if we're not actually being nasty to each other, we're just sitting there in silence. I told him that B usually calls me at 11 after he's been working for 12 hours and he's exhausted. This mysterious guy understood. He works those hours too. He seems somehow to get me even though I've only spent a few hours with him, mostly in the company of other people. Maybe because he's a bit older. This evening, he called and got my voice mail. So he left a message saying that he was calling me before he got too tired and lost his sense of humour. He was rambling a bit and acknowledged as much but he was also laughing at himself. I don't think I've ever heard B laugh at himself.

This mysterious guy has made me laugh and made me think and made me smile. I don't know what he wants from me and, at this point, I don't much care. The reason for the break is that I need time to mentally get away from the stress and anxiety associated with our relationship. I need the time to focus on school and get some work done (which is why I'm blogging, clearly). I'm tired of waiting around for him to show up online and then calling me only to have a crap conversation. Or not showing up online. Not being able to reach him on his phone. Or just having him outright bail on our conversations. Which is what he did this past weekend. Fine, it was his mother's birthday so he was spending the day with her. It doesn't make me feel better. This mysterious man has made me feel better.

Do I expect too much when I want a good conversation? A normal conversation where we both talk about our day. Share our thoughts. Share some laughs. When I'm down, he pushes and prods to find out why I'm being so quiet. In short, the things I try to do for B. Is that so much to ask? I think that B finally understands that he's too busy for a relationship right now. And I think he accepts that there's nothing I can do to change our situation. Short of not needing to talk to him, there's nothing else I can do. Is there? Hence the break.

The thing is, since I met this mysterious guy, I don't really care about my relationship with B anymore. And that's the thing that bothers me the most. What kind of person am I to be this fair weather? I remember things that bothered me about him at the start of our relationship. I remember thinking "I don't like you very much because you're a pompous, verbose ass". How did I just overlook that all this time? He is patronising and condescending and sarcastic and takes himself too seriously. Those are all faults I see in myself. Do I really need to be with someone who amplifies those issues? Did I suppress all of those things because I wanted to move to the Caribbean and live in paradise? Was I blown away by his talk of marriage and kids and a future together? Should I have trusted my earlier instincts?

B is coming up in two weeks for his high school reunion. The break is until then. He will be staying with me as planned. We're still going to celebrate his birthday. Maybe then everything will be fine. I don't want to break his heart for the third time in our lives. But I'm starting to wonder if the universe is trying to tell me that we're just not meant to be together. Is that just a cop out?

I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about this mysterious guy. Nothing, for now. Perhaps in a couple of weeks he'll realize I'm not that likeable after all.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

I could do without Sundays

I'm sitting in the dark too upset to cry. I hate Sundays. I've always hated Sundays. There were a few years that Sundays were good: roast and TV and family and happy. But mostly they have been miserable and awful and lonely. Everyone does family stuff and I have only my loneliness to entertain me. Tonight I was pacing around the apartment when I realized that I just wanted to sit in the dark. So I turned out the lights, wrapped myself in my fleece blanket and sat in my chair by the window. I cried a bit but I'm too much trapped inside my head to really let anything out.

When I was little, Sundays were usually not happy. My memories of Sundays seem very surreal. I don't remember Sunday mornings. Maybe my mother actually let me sleep. Afternoons were often spent at gymnastics or the swimming pool or playing badminton. Then eating hot dogs or noodles at the sports centre canteen. Then home in the evening and somehow my mother was always miserable. I only ever remember eating out on Sunday evenings. Mostly at the Cricket Club. Because that was my nanny's day off so there was nobody to cook. To this day, I can't stand my mother's cooking. Everyone else's mom seems to cook just fine but not my mom. I think I inherited that from her.

And now, all of my friends are doing family stuff. I can't think of a single person I know who doesn't have family here. Even my ever-loving boyfriend can't come home from his parents house early to talk to me. I don't think that he wants to talk at all. We had a Skype date for yesterday morning but he broke it because he had to have birthday brunch with his mother. I feel like shit for being resentful but I can't help it.

I think it may be time for a new pack of cigarettes. I can't remember the last time I bought one. But now seems as good a time as any to buy another.

Friday, September 7, 2007

My boyfriend said

My boyfriend said:


My boyfriend said:

I forgot I had a rubber band around my head

My boyfriend said:

now I have a headache

My boyfriend said:

not to mention a hideous halo-esque mark

My boyfriend said:

I am going to masque it up tonight

My boyfriend said:


Apparently my boyfriend is not only gay, he's also retarded.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Elusiv Conversations

Elusiv says:

these are the nights i wish that i wasn't with you

Elusiv says:

that i wish i was single

Elusiv says:

because i get my hopes up

Elusiv says:

that i'll get to talk to you

Elusiv says:

maybe laugh a little bit

Elusiv says:

and catch up

Elusiv says:

and share a bit of my life with you

Elusiv says:

but instead you're tired

Elusiv says:

and angry

Elusiv says:

and frustrated

Elusiv says:

with your life

Elusiv says:

but you take it out on me

Elusiv says:

and reduce me to tears

Elusiv says:

and i'm left wondering why i waste my time

Elusiv says:

and questioning why i think that i deserve better

Elusiv says:

but i hardly ever seem to get it

Elusiv says:

i don't want to be the last thing on your list

Elusiv says:

after work and the gym and the shower and food and more work

Elusiv says:

you have nothing left to give me

Elusiv says:

but you call me to take something from me

Elusiv says:

and i rarely have enough to give myself

Elusiv says:

and tonight i have to dig down deep to get through all the things i have to do tonight

Elusiv says:

without crying

Elusiv says:

these are the dark nights for me

Elusiv says:

when i realize that i really am truly alone in the world