Wednesday, September 26, 2007

It's too late to apologize

I have been waiting all night for my phone to ring. That's my ring tone. Timbaland and One Republic. "And I need you like a heart needs a beat, But it's nothin new..."

I've always wanted the things I can't have. And I don't want the things I can have.

"I'm holding on your rope, Got me ten feet off the ground..."

And suspended I'll stay for a very long time, I think.

The others weren't like this. I resented and suffered and hated and then forgot. None of those others mattered in time. They were mistakes I needed to make. Because I need to suffer to feel human. But you have made me suffer acutely with the exquisite pain that comes with yearning and waiting and hoping and not being able to let go.

I think I was born to suffer. The words don't come when I'm at peace. I'm able to focus on other things and be busy and the illusion of happiness stays with me. But when my heart hurts, that's when I need the therapy of words. You got me with your words. And those words will stay with me for a long time. I hope that something will come around to ease that longing. I doubt it though. I thought you were a butterfly. But you were a moth. A quick jolt in the dark that leaves a memory so forceful that the feelings remain long after the experience has passed.

Like that money bat that made me scream in the night. B laughed when that happened. I remember being unimpressed that he found my fear amusing. "But it's just a money bat". Whatever the fuck those are. Big, scary, unexpected. That's what you were to me. And I'll never forget it.

I've obliterated everything. Emails, incoming calls, text messages. Every time you call, I delete your phone number. But the memories and the feelings are still here. Poignant reminders of a mistake I won't soon forget.

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