Anti-douchebag

MFV just left. We had a really great weekend. Not just because we had fun but because he is a really great guy. A good man. In fact, he is almost the man I need him to be. Amazing what three years can do to a 24 year old. Despite one long year of not speaking to each other (2007-2008), our friendship has stayed tight. I rely on him like nobody else and, this weekend, I realized what it means to have a man around who is capable of being a grown up. He took care of me which felt so good. He helped me make decisions. He was quiet when I disappeared into my thoughts. He was protective and thoughtful and responsible and considerate. I want that from a man, and the douchebags, while entertaining, pale in comparison to him.

For three years, I have missed him and loved him like my best friend. Because that's what he is. But today, I might have started to fall in love with him. Which scares me to death because I don't really know how he feels about me. He looks at me like he really sees me. He makes me laugh without really trying which is not easy with my nerdy sense of humour. I can be myself around him and it is nice not to have to keep my guard up all the time. He can even see beyond the face I present to the world to the sensitive, vulnerable person that I am hiding from everyone. It has been a long time since I could spend 48 hours with someone and not feel exhausted by their company. Which is not to say the weekend wasn't thoroughly exhausting.

Dinner on Friday at Ruth Chris to celebrate his raise and my degree was amazing. Then salsa dancing with Baby and Delorean at El Rancho. My former salsa partner has improved vastly and I frankly couldn't get enough of him. I could have danced all night...

When we got home, he kissed me and I freaked out and we talked. We talked about the past and our futures and decided that there's nothing wrong with friends fooling around. It was nice, actually. Okay, the sex wasn't mind blowing the way that it is with Grey but MFV has only been with three other women. Counting him, I am into double digits. I wonder if he will be my last.

Saturday was brunch and the Ontario Science Centre. We're a pair of giant nerds and had a really good time. Dinner at the Host with friends and then Nuit Blanche. I'll post photos later. We stayed up til 4 am walking all over downtown before my legs gave up outside the Art Gallery. We had dim sum this morning and then read the paper and had dinner on the way to the airport.

I cried when he left. I don't know if I'm just tired and overwhelmed or if this is just a passing emotional phase. I miss him. I hope we end up in geographically closer cities. I know that the ideal situation in the short-term would be here for me and NYC for him. But long-term, maybe it's better if we're both in Vancouver. Who the hell knows what he is thinking though? I suspect that I'm more than a long distance booty call but I have been wrong in the past.

He's back from Morocco at the end of October. In the meantime, I have some decisions to make about work.

The Art of Staying Down by City Girl

Got this from Imerika and had to repost it here.

http://citygirlblogs.com/2009/05/19/the-art-of-staying-down-aka-my-oral-sex-musings/

Grey is good. Doesn't happen often but that's fine. I know he likes it so that's good enough for me :)

Grey is the best lover I have ever had (not that I've had many)

This post is going to be somewhat explicit so skip it if you are a prude*

So, after more than a week of building up to it, I went over to Grey's last night for some lovin'. Now, he's been out of town for some time and we had tentatively planned this "meeting" but there was nothing set in stone. I knew he was coming back in the evening but we hadn't set a time. We just knew we were going to knock some boots together when he got home. It turns out that his flight didn't land until midnight and we were both hungry and, by the time I got to his place after picking up a Double Big Mac (for him),I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. Apparently so did he. So we brushed our teeth and jumped into bed. And then had almost the best sex that we have ever had.

My head was on the verge of exploding just about the entire time. I don't know how long it lasted or when we went to sleep but I slept like the dead last night. Which is unusual, to say the least. I really can't explain it but he did things with his fingertips and his hands and his lips that nobody has ever done to me before. There wasn't really anything different than just regular old vanilla sex. There were no crazy multiple orgasms or funky oral sex or kinky positions. It's not like we could have made a million with a sex tape or anything. But it felt as though my nerves were going to jump out of my skin and run away. You know when you just stop kissing but your noses are close together and your lips are just barely touching? How you just end up with synchronized breathing because everything else feels so good that kissing becomes distracting? Yeah, it was intimate in the best way. It was really something else.

And then of course there was the cuddling and the spooning and the rolling over together which is always so comforting. The only strange thing was that he had a nightmare and woke up yelling something. But otherwise, it was just short of perfection. I don't know why we fit together so well but it makes me not want to waste my time dating anyone else. Especially douche bags at work.

We went for dim sum this morning and we actually talked about stuff which was also unusual. He still wants kids. And I still don't want kids. He is still making jokes about sleeping with other women. Younger women. 20-year olds. Strangely enough, I was feeling super confident this morning so I asked him, "so are they better than me? Because I wouldn't think that younger would necessarily mean better?" And he came right out and said that he isn't sleeping with anyone else. Finally! It only took him 2 years to admit it. It felt pretty good, not because I expect him to be faithful to me. I have never expected that and he knows that. Hell, I haven't exactly been faithful to him. We've never been in a "relationship". But it felt good that my instincts about him are right. That he's just the guy who talks big but won't actually follow through. Also, it's reassuring to know that my last blood work was redundant.

The icing on the cake was my witty repartee on leaving. He asked, "where's my blow job?" "In the same place as my orgasm". I left him laughing his ass off.


*You know who you are. No nasty comments please.

What?

My life is ridiculous at the moment.

Grey is actually considering my moving in with him in April. I think the idea is insane and only tossed it out there to see what would happen. The thought makes my head spin. Every time we actually have a conversation, I want to bang my head against the wall with frustration. We haven't discussed this whole moving in thing beyond him letting me know that he's open to the idea. What.the.fuck??

He has been acting very strange. When he picked me up from the airport on Monday night, he was so happy and excited it was weird. He took me back to his place and made me dinner while I showered. We smoked a tiny little j (actually the remnants of something he had smoked earlier) and watched House. He made me sit on his lap while he ate his dinner and then held my hand while we watched tv. And then we had really mind blowing sex which started out with kisses so soft and slow I thought I had died and been reincarnated as a flower in the breeze. And then we went to bed and cuddled so tightly I couldn't tell where my skin ended and his skin started. It was nice. Comforting. His mattress is too soft. So I suggested that, when I move in, we move his mattress to the guest room and put mine on his bed. He laughed. He laughed! He didn't freak out and throw me out of bed. What.the.fuck??

He dropped me and my suitcases off the following morning and we went to work. When he got home that evening, he called to say hi. What.the.fuck?? On Wednesday morning, I texted him to ask if he was going to call in the evening to say hi. He did. What.the.fuck?? He texted me this morning to ask what I was doing Saturday night because his friend invited us over. I was mildly disturbed by his use of the word "us". What.the.fuck?? When I finally told him that C le V is coming to visit this weekend (see next paragraph), he sounded jealous but denied it. What.the.fuck??

Very confusing. But I refuse to dwell on his odd behaviour any longer.

So yeah, C le V is coming to visit this weekend. He arrives tomorrow night. We have no real plans. Except that I have to go to a funeral on Saturday morning. My friend's father passed away quite unexpectedly. I'm shocked and a little angry. Cancer is stupid.

I'm not sure why he's coming. He hasn't explicitly said that he wants to be more than friends or regrets his December decision. He has danced around it but I require verbal clarification. There are three major things he will have to fix:
1. He will have to move here.
2. He will have to explain why he decided he wanted to be just friends, explain what has changed since then and convince me that we shouldn't be just friends anymore. And apologize for making that decision in December. And beg forgiveness.
3. Somehow get me over the repulsion I felt at his being the creepy club drunk guy and hitting on everything with boobs. Even the ugly boobs. Especially the ugly boobs.

So, while I'm making no assumptions, this weekend should prove to be somewhat interesting. Outcome: pending.

I had hoped to be back at work full-time very soon. But with the stupid economy behaving like a 5 year old, that may not pan out. So tonight I am going to work on a couple of cover letters before I work on the job I have.

My washing machine is broken again and I have veritable mountains of dirty vacation laundry. Where is my asshat when I need him?

I finally got my lab data. I have to meet my supervisor next week. Before I do that, I have to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my spreadsheet. I hate school.

I haven't spoken to Baby since I got home. Or any of my girlfriends really except for A. Her romance has not worked out as anticipated so we have logged many phone hours. What I really want is to lie on the couch and watch tv but I have too much work to do. At least I seem to finally be getting over the jetlag. I was too out of it to write anything the last few days. I probably shouldn't even have been driving.

It's been a month...

If a booty call is pre-arranged, is it still a booty call?

I just got home from Grey's. He was in a very good mood yesterday which was nice. Not drunk and not (very) high. I made him laugh a lot. I don't think he appreciates that. He did seem to appreciate the effort it took for me to find and actually wear a matching set of white lace underwear instead of my usual 100% cotton schtuff imported from M&S and VS full coverage IPEX bra. I can't help it though. Lace is itchy and cotton is comfy. Plus, you can just throw it in the laundry. There has to be a reason that men don't wear lace. Why should I have to wear it?

Anyway, I told him it was his Christmas present. And then we had a discussion about how December sucks and we both wish Christmas would disappear. But that, as long as there are kids to open presents, there will always be Christmas. Apparently he's buying toboggans for his nieces this year. I can only imagine how thrilled his brother and sister-in-law will be when he shows up with those next week.

He's looking forward to 11-course Chinese banquet at the wedding tomorrow. We talked about how I haven't taken a date to a wedding in 5 years. 5! And that he's not a real date anyway. Because I don't have to babysit him, make sure he has a drink at all times, have polite conversation and be nice to each other. Why ruin a good thing, right? Sometimes it's hard for me to maintain this tough girl act. I'm an affectionate person in relationships and his nickname for me, "suction cup", is appropriate. But for some reason he doesn't respond to that. I think he actually prefers to be the affectionate, cuddly one. We cuddled a lot last night and this morning. It was nice. It was nice to hold hands and fall asleep together. To be spooned and do the spooning.

So how do I find me a guy that wants to do those things and actually go on dates and talk and stuff? Sheesh, if I had known it would be this hard to find a new relationship, I would have stayed with X for another 7 years in Tibet. Actually, I really wouldn't have. This arrangement seems to be working out just fine for now. And he didn't completely freak out when I proposed living with him in April which is remarkable. But the more I think about it, the less I want to live with him. I'm really going to start looking for a cheaper place to live in the new year.

First though, nap time. I don't sleep well with others.

I've said too much

The confusion has ended. 10 hours of sleep helped significantly with that, as did being officially blown off by The Crush. I am relieved. I am starting to develop real feelings for this other guy. Real enough that I don't want to doom it by giving him a blog name. We just spent an hour and 45 minutes on the phone. It was all going wonderfully well until the end of the call. He was funny and we talked about his coming down here in two weekends. Then I told him about Grey. It came up and was unavoidable. He already asked me what I did today and I fudged and felt guilty. I didn't think dim sum, a bad movie, a joint and a mind blowing orgasm with my booty buddy would go over too well. When the subject came around again, I felt like the Universe was giving me a second chance to make things right. I'm being vague on purpose. The details are irrelevant. He just knows that I have an active partner and that we are no longer dating. That we're friends with benefits without the friendship part.

I feel like an idiot. I'm not sure if I will hear from him again. He seemed to be fine with hearing it. In fact, it was more of an issue for me. Because I care what he thinks and don't want him to think less of me for this. He should, I know. I do know that. But he said he wasn't judging. I wish we could have had that conversation in person. Maybe we'll talk about it more if I do see him again. I want to be excited that he wants to come and visit. But now I just feel nauseated. I hate myself, sometimes.

Perfection

Wedding was perfect. Everyone was happy. Including myself. Picked up Grey for a quickie afterwards. Was just what I needed to help me unwind and get to sleep tonight. Looking forward to the weekend in Montreal :)

Doggy style

Well the weekend wasn't a total write off. On Sunday afternoon, I walked my coworker's dogs for 3 hours. That was pretty great. They're both soft-coated Wheaton terriers and well-behaved for the most part. We parked on Lakeshore, walked along the boardwalk, went up the Humber River to Old Mill where we stopped for ice creams (man those dogs love soft serve), came back down to Bloor street and walked over to and through High Park back down to Lakeshore. My hip flexors and hamstrings were shot.

Grey called while we were walking them. I ended up at his place later that evening - after about an hour of hair removal followed by an hour of yoga to get all stretched out - and we had dinner, watched TV, watched Indiana Jones (wow, was that trippy or was I *high*?) and had fabulous sex. I stayed over and the spooning was really nice. It would be nice if I could get more than a couple of consecutive hours of sleep while I was with him. I think his bed is too soft. I'm starting to get very used to this arrangement. I wish the scheduling was a bit more predictable but I'm wondering if it would be such a bad thing to randomly date for a few years while keeping Grey going on the side as a sure thing. Sort of one foot in, one foot out. More out, I guess.

All in all, not a terrible weekend. Plus, Denis never called so I dodged that bullet. And X's mother emailed me. There's pumpkin pie with my name on it!

Pour que tu m'aimes encore

I have a new favourite Celine Dion song! The concert was awesome. I danced and laughed and even cried. We went for dinner at the Loose Moose on Front Street before and the three martinis helped my mood a great deal. I only wish I hadn't spent half the night standing in the rain waiting for Baby and Delorean to get their car out of the Roy Thompson Hall parking lot and then walking halfway home in the rain because traffic was so damn bad. It didn't help that I left my umbrella in their car. Sigh. But nothing can ruin my mood tonight. Not even Minnesota guy hitting on me but not asking for my number. Seriously, you would think that the third time a girl returned to the bar for a drink he would have asked instead of saying "well if Celine Dion doesn't work out we'll be here". Granted, I probably should have lied when he asked which concert I was going to! I enjoyed talking to him about the restaurant business. We even ended up leaving the restaurant at the same time and both turned around and looked at each other as we walked away from each other down the sidewalk. If only...

I also have a Wiggles update. After leaving him a voice mail on Thursday afternoon reminding him to please return my book, he sent me an email this morning letting me know that he had unintentionally deleted my email containing my address. My bitchy response to him went something along the lines of "Wow, Wiggles, serious case of premature deletion hey? I wouldn't expect that to be a problem at your age."

Oh yes, I also had mind-blowing sex with Grey last night. And I stayed over because I was ridiculously high and parked at the dark and scary outside parking lot. He's at a wedding in London tonight. At one point when I was on top (not that that's relevant at all) I fantasized about him and a peachy, pouffy bridesmaid in the coat room. It's probably a good thing I didn't drive home last night!

Drinking chocolate grappa sex

I had this whole rant in my head about how men are useless with words. However, it has disappeared. Partly because I'm pooped. And more because the three men that read my blog occasionally are not useless with words. So posting a rant about how men are useless with words here would be useless.

I was talking to A about all the things we have been told by men in relationships. And how useless all of those things have turned out to be. But I was lying on the couch in the dark with my feet higher than my head so those factors may have contributed to my wobbly brain.

Also, I had two drinks right before my painkiller so I could be high in addition to being exhausted. The martini was decent but OH.MY.GOD.CHOCOLATE.GRAPPA is my new FAVOURITEST.THING.EVER! It was like drinking sex.

It is more accurately known as Bottega Gianduia Grappa.

Let me be clear. This stuff is not like the horrendous creme de cacao. This was like drinking melted chocolate with flair. Imagine yourself drinking fondue from a shot glass and getting a little unexpected extra.... Yes ladies, it was sex in a shot glass!

Tomorrow morning I am going to the liquor store to buy me a bottle. Or seven. Then I am going to Home Depot to pick up light bulbs and a new faucet for the bathroom sink. I'm told that it's a great place to meet men on Sunday morning.

If I come back with CHOCOLATE GRAPPA, I will be happy. If I come back with a good looking and useful man who will replace aforementioned light bulbs and faucet, I will be ecstatic.

I keep typing CHOCOLATEGRAPPY. I must be high.