Monday, September 24, 2007

Please let me be strong enough not to send this to him tonight

The thing that sucks is that, if you were a different guy and we were in a different place, I would say that we should just forget about this incident and move on because there is so much potential for laughter and good times and friendship and who knows what else... But I don't know you well enough to say that to you.

You said you were not good with commitment and I was okay with that. You said that you were sleeping with other people and I was okay with that too (although I probably shouldn't have been). Actually, I thought it was great for you and respected you for being honest with me. And you said all these things to me that made me think you were sincere. I completely 100% bought the line about shining more brightly than the stars. And I pretended not to hear you say that I took your breath away. That took my breath away. I was floored that you actually fixed my suede shoes. And, as I said, it turned me on that you beat me at Scrabble. I believed everything you said to me because I had no reason not to believe you. But now I just think you're one of those guys that wanted to know what the sex would be like and decided it wasn't that great. And my apologies for not warning you about that. It would have gotten better, I promise.

You said you're not one of those guys, but you just became one of those guys. I wish you would prove it to me. I want to believe that you did it inadvertently but I think I want to believe you because I did care what you thought of me and I did care how you were feeling. It bothered me to see you stressed out about work. I was happy when you were relaxed. I was comfortable just lying on the couch with you watching a movie. Or watching the news in bed. It felt right. Like I'd known you my whole life, even though I had just met you.

I am so disappointed that the one man who has made me laugh and made me think and made me just relax and forget my insecurities turned out to be just another one of those guys. I'm disappointed for being stupid and gullible. I'm tougher than that, or so I thought. Remember when I said "who are you?" That was because I really thought you were unique. If I'm being really honest with myself, even though I said I had no expectations, I did want to hope... But as I've often said, "I'm done with hope. Disappointment is much more predictable."

So my problem now is this. There's this guy who thinks he's still my boyfriend. After this weekend, he won't be. He says he wants to marry me. He thinks that he loves me. Not that I have any idea what "love" is. But he can't make me laugh and doesn't have the tiniest bit of interest in my life, or what I think or how I feel. Six months ago, I was prepared to overlook all of that. After spending 7 years thinking I loved someone who loved me right back, I learned that I was never going to be enough for anyone but this guy seems to think that I'm his everything. I don't want that anymore. I want more. My problem now is, I'd rather spend twelve hours with you than the rest of my life with him. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

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