Procrastination

The other job called and emailed this morning while I was sleeping in on my last real day off. I haven't called or emailed back yet. I'm not sure why I'm putting this off. I wanted that job. The past tense being the key here. Do I still want that job? Do I want to live in Toronto? I'm happy here, but maybe it's because I'm homeless and crashing with MFV. This idyllic little setup can't last forever so eventually I'll be on my own again with all the regular anxiety and stress and loneliness. So, where would I rather be miserable? Here where it's rainy (which makes me happy) or there with my girlfriends (who at least fill the void sometimes). I should call the HR Manager back and find out what's going on. But first I'm going to take a long, hot shower and think.

Sloth

My landlady is going to sell this place so now I have to prepare for 60 days of showings. Gah. This from the girl who has stray cups littered over the apartment, empty wine bottles (rinsed and ready to recycle) on the counter and lives out of the laundry basket. I had an unexpected hour free this evening because I didn't have belly dance class and decided to use that time to imitate a sloth... and then that somehow extended into the rest of the evening. I did talk to Jesus for a bit, so that was productive. Errr, ahem. Anyway, I'm going to put dirty dishes in the wishwasher and pretend to put away some laundry. Maybe just the pants that I don't want to iron later this week. Can somebody please send me a husband/butler?

Sunday morning

I'm procrastinating. On Sunday! About going out! I do this often. I just want to stay home and be spooned by my couch most of the time. Is that so much to ask? I'm a recovering grad student, after all.

Yesterday, I finally dragged my ass out of the house about 3 pm for coffee, cash and One of a Kind Show (yes, again). I want to post all of the awesome and cool things that I saw there! I know I said I would do that last week but I haven't had the energy. Maybe tonight? Ahh, who am I kidding? They will just live forever in my head and in the little pile of cards on my desk. I should find a place for those. Some great, unusual gift ideas lie in that little pile.

I spent around 3 hours at the show wandering around by myself, sampling food and buying trinkets for myself. I thought about the art that I wanted to put on my imaginary condo walls. And I decided that I'm going to wait until I have said condo and then put up some of my own photos. And one or two of MFV's. He's an incredible photographer.

I took the long way home - 2 streetcars instead of the subway. At Bathurst and Queen, I saw a woman standing, waiting for the southbound car dressed in a leopard hoodie/cape thing complete with little ears and whiskers. She was waving excitedly as we passed by. Then, a couple of blocks north of that, we passed a house with a sign in the window, "Steam baths". We have steam baths in Toronto? Apparently we do. As we passed the back of the house, two police officers were leading a large man out onto the street in handcuffs. I think that was my first arrest. Ahem, not *my* first arrest! But you know what I mean. My first time seeing one in real life. Crazy.

Then I had sushi with my toxic ex-coworker and her brother and his gf. I have decided I don't like her family that much either. Must spend less time.

And today, I'm off to the mall and the orifice, the post office and two feedings by nice Indian parents (not mine, fortunately!). While I do not object to the feedings, I could use a bit more couch time today.

Flip-flop

No, this is not a post about shoes.

Now I know how MFV was feeling about his NYC vs. Vancouver decision.

I go back and forth every few hours about wanting to stay here vs. wanting to move back. I mean, sometimes it's 50-50 and other times I'm about to hit the giant red button which says, "Screw you Toronto!"

When I left BC, it was always my intention to move back. When I was in Tofino in August 2006, I mailed A a postcard and asked her to send it back to me when I graduated. She hasn't done that. In fact, she has probably forgotten. But I remember. Why, then, is it so hard for me to make this decision?

I know that I want to be on the West Coast. I hate the weather and the traffic and the pretentiousness. I miss the rain and sushi and the ocean. I hate that Toronto is sucking the soul out of my body. I miss being able to look people in the eye when I pass them on the street and not feeling like I need to be more threatening than them. I know I am a different person when I live here. Not a better person. I have been acutely unhappy here and very much conscious of it, whereas I feel like I was happier overall in Vancouver.

I want a raise and a promotion. I want off this stupid project. I want to not commute to Mississauga or work out of the client office. I want to be closer to my best friend.

But there's something keeping me here. Is it fear of something? I don't know. There is nothing here for me. Well, there is one thing. It's the illusion of friends. There are a handful of people who really mean a lot to me. But those people want what is best for me and won't resent me for moving forward with my life. It's the peripheral people that will be more difficult to deal with.

One thing that I have learned the hard way is that I always lose people when I move. When I switched elementary schools mid-year, when I left home for Canada, when I left boarding school, then undergrad, then Toronto. You lose people. It's just too difficult sometimes for them to keep up. Frankly, I have a large social circle here. Large enough that I feel guilty saying no to people so that I can have time to myself. The sum of all those meaningless, trivial friendships is greater here than it was in Vancouver. But I have always felt the quality of my friendships there were much higher. So what am I afraid of?

Maybe I just need time to allow the weight of this decision to settle in. So that I can defend my choice to all those who will question me and feel abandoned. Or rather, to let their criticism and judgment and disappointment just roll off. Like rain on a duck.

Quack.

The Bucket List (only it's not a bucket, it's more like a Shawshank)

I wrote a facebook note today. Here it is:

Okay girls, it's time. It's time to make the list of things to do after the defense is over. And I'm talking serious things that you can check off the list not crap like "go on a safari" or "learn a language".

Here goes...

1. Go to a movie. Two movies even. At the drive-in!
2. Start watching Entourage. One season per weekend.
3. Buy a condo
4. Lie on the grass all afternoon.
5. Mop the floors
6. Go to the beach and worry if I'm wearing enough sunscreen
7. Pilates class. Oh how I miss you pilates class.
8. Dump my filing cabinet in the recycling, alphabetized tabs and all!
9. Dance. In public. Preferably after getting dressed up and hammered on random shots
10. Spa day: massage, mani, pedi and some waxing which y'all don't really need to know about
11. Take a class (yes I'm serious) not for credit (I'm thinking photography or culinary arts at GBC)

Your turn.

One of my fellow grad studentettes* replied with this:

I'm too lazy/brain too fried to make my own list right now so I'll just steal/elaborate on yours lol

1. Go to drive in with EB. Also rent and watch Twilight.
2. Watch rest of Lost seasons, Season 1 of The Wire (Xmas present, not watched yet) and Madmen (borrowed from Baby Mama in April??) - also not watched
3. Buy a couch... Read more
4. Spend a solid week walking around various neighbourhoods of Toronto I love but have spent no time in this summer. Before winter comes...
5. Clean out closet. Take clothes to Value Village. Replace with new fall "work appropriate" clothes from Buffalo/Niagara.
6. Go somewhere with a beach and someone to make me drinks and sit on ass for week.
7. Start rowing again. This may wait til spring.
8. Burn all thesis files on computer to disk, delete from computer, make computer run faster. Shred printed work and papers.
9 and 10. Yes please.
11. Sign up for train conducting school? Also at GBC

*Some details changed to protect our identities.

Waxing philosophical/thesis procrastination

What if getting married and having kids and grandkids is the only really meaningful thing we can do in life and I'm missing out on all of that because I'm too scared and/or selfish?

What if I didn't learn that because my parents didn't understand it and couldn't pass it on?

I don't want to have children. I'm too selfish. I like shoes and silence and space.

I need a drink.

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Thesis? What thesis?!

And there go another two hours...

Crap. I really need to write my introduction. Crap crap crap. All I can think about is our mega date on Saturday. I requested that we go to Casa Loma but he's doing all the planning. I'm super excited. Not even because of where he might be taking me but I really do just want to hang out with him and talk to him and see him. I actually missed him today. Argh.

Oh yeah, there's yet another red flag. We were on the topic of red flags and he decided he should put this one on the table. I didn't ask if there were more. His son is special needs. Perhaps somewhat surprisingly, that doesn't bother me at all. I'm more concerned about what happens if we don't like each other.

I can't function

Isn't that one of the signs of depression? For several years now, I have suspected that I might be prone to depression but I'm too scared to ask my doctor about it because of what she might say. There's a history of mental illness on my mother's side of the family but I don't know what exactly because nobody will talk about it. I mean, maybe we're all just OCD and anal-retentive. Because that, I can (and do) own. Also, I've gotten so good at faking happy when I'm out in public that I'm scared to drop the mask, even for one second.

But I can't function. The apartment is a disaster. I can barely hold my life together. My thesis has ground to a halt and I funnel all of my energy into staying on the ball at work. I go to work exhausted. Then I come home and I'm more exhausted. I barely have the energy to get to the classes I like at the gym. And it seems I'm on the verge of crying all the time. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere and I'm totally unprepared. It's a good thing I hid at home for most of the weekend.

I'm so exhausted from faking it. Can't I just stay at home in bed for the next two weeks?

Talking head.... ache

I have been on the phone for 4 hours. Yes. 4. Continuously. My head hurts. I have half a mind to go to bed right now but I might watch some tv first.

I also ate one third of a pizza lasagna. I hadn't even finished before I started to feel gross.

Aren't I supposed to be like a grown up or something? Think of all the thesising I could have done. Sigh.

Frazzled

I would love to write about the wedding because Grey and I had a lovely time together. He was the ideal date and I invited him to our work event in February because he was so good.

But I'm too frazzled and anxious right trying to get organized to leave to think about yesterday at the moment. I just finished packing but I still don't feel ready to leave. Perhaps because I have finally found a place that feels like "home", I no longer feel as though I am going "home" anymore. It's unexpected and unsettling. I miss home and I haven't even left yet.

Anyway, suitcases are packed, I'm checked in (second last row on the plane, window seat, 14 hour direct flight) so I just have to check my bags, proceed through security and pick up a bottle of water. I have a blanket, a pillow, change of shoes so I don't have to wear my woolly winter boots when I get off the plane, snacks, books, ear plugs and a sleep mask. I just went through my travel checklist and remembered bug spray and sunscreen. Not sure if I should take a hat. I probably should, just in case. Hopefully it doesn't get squashed in my suitcase. Have I mentioned I hate packing for two different climates while leaving a third, completely different one? Ugh.

It doesn't help that Capitaine le Vomi called this evening and we talked for an hour and a half when I should have been packing. He quite specifically asked me what date I would be back and when I would find out about flying to New Brunswick. I think that means he wants to see me.

Mass confusion prevails. Now would be a great time for bed.

Gruntled

Ugh, I feel so gruntled today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hormones maybe? I feel edgy and restless and exhausted and unfulfilled. I'm leaving in less than 2 weeks and I should have a crapload of work to do but I can't seem to get into it. Maybe I'll take tomorrow off and be a bum. After all, that's what I did all day yesterday. I went to work today but there wasn't too much for me to do. I don't want to spend any time with any of my friends either. I had dinner with J tonight and that was okay but only because he's low maintenance and doesn't require much conversation. Why can't I find a man like that? Just a guy who wants to have dinner and watch the game with me. Seriously, is that too much to ask??

Ugh, I'm going to bed.

I am so very tired. I should go to bed. Maybe I will.

1.47 am update: I'm really going to bed now.

Ow

My back is killing me. I can feel my painkillers working every time my uterus contracts. I am definitely not going through childbirth. I wonder if I can get an epidural for my cramps?

I'm swamped and behind on work. I put in almost a full week last week. And considering that Monday was a holiday, that's pretty impressive even for me. Especially if you consider that more than 50% of those hours were billed this weekend. I really have got to stop procrastinating. I had dinner with some septuagenarians this evening which was highly entertaining and informative, as always, but it sucked up 4 hours of my time. Hopefully I can get up early tomorrow morning and put in another 12 hours.

3.36 am update: I yam still awake. My back still hurts but less because I took more drugs. I love prescription painkillers. Except that they make my tummy sore. I yam really going to sleep now.

Stuff. And stuff.

The wedding is in 29 days and I'm starting to get a bit stressed. There is still a lot left to do.

Three people messaged me on POF today and none of them were scary looking. One is a swing dancing geek (my old type), another is a cocky computer geek (my post X type) and the third is really cocky but also kinda funny (my Grey type). Probably none will go anywhere but it's nice to make "contact". Ha.

A is still pining away for the loss of her stupid ex-boyfriend. It has been 3 months since they split. I am starting to feel as though she needs to snap out of it and do something. Anything. Go to the gym. Sign up for a photography class. Move out of her apartment. I know that's not terribly sympathetic so I didn't call her back when I got home from Baby's tonight. To be fair (to me), we talked for 45 minutes this afternoon while I was at work. And, to be fair (to her), that's probably the last thing she needs to hear right now. She is probably suffering from depression but I'm not equipped to deal with that. I'm too grumpy and short-tempered to be a good listener right now so I'm going to revert to avoidance, at least until my period starts on Saturday (sorry gents, TMI, I know).

I was going to write something else but I'm too tired. I should just go straight to bed but I won't. I'm going to watch some TV and eat some ice cream. Because that's the kind of single girl I am.

Update. 41 minutes after I finished writing the above paragraph, I have just finished the first draft of a colour coded spreadsheet itemizing all the thing that need to get done in the next 29 days. I feel a mild panic attack coming on.

Empty

A left on Monday night. It was all very hectic. I met her on Queen Street for some last minute shopping and to pick up sushi from Crispy Roll and then we went back to her place to have dinner with her parents and another friend. At 8 pm, I had to pack her suitcase. I even went through her dirty laundry. Ick. She left at 9.30 pm and I drove home the long way. She called from the airport at 11.30 pm and it was all I could do not to cry. The void is back. It is big and dark and empty. I just spent 02:04:21 on the phone with her so I suppose I shouldn't complain too much.

It has been two weeks since I emailed Captain W about the whole facebook deleting thing and I still don't have my book back. I'm debating leaving a voice mail about mid day on Thursday when I know he will be at school. It will go something like this:

"Hi Captain W. It's [me]. It's been a couple of weeks since I asked you to return my book and I still haven't heard anything. I'm assuming that the reason you haven't returned it is that you broke both your legs and that the reason you haven't let me know when you're planning to return it is... you broke both your hands? It would be good if you could get someone else, say, your brother perhaps to send me an email letting me known when the casts are coming off? It's just that it was a gift from a friend and has some sentimental value attached. Also, I need it back so I can pick out the gentlemen from the duds. Thanks."

I wake up every morning overwhelmed at having to spend another 6 months at grad school. Realistically it could be substantially less than that. But I'm scared that I'll be in debt and freezing in March, unable to afford groceries or chocolate grappy and that all of my friends will have abandoned me in my misery.

I emailed The Kid yesterday and came up with this. It might have been an epiphany.

I feel as though I should have been more productive but actually I threw together a Table of Contents and an outline for my experimental methodology section and fired those off to my supervisors. Sometimes I wonder whether thinking about my thesis counts as actually sitting at my desk working on it. Most of the time, I feel guilty that I'm just sitting and thinking and watching mindless CSI reruns instead of actually sitting here forcing myself to spout words from the ends of my finger tips. But I'm starting to realize that's a major part of the writing process. I could be a lot more disciplined about my approach but I find that walking away from something and letting my subconscious work on it for a while is often much more efficient than sitting here staring at my monitor and facebook stalking my friends while pretending to work. I think the consultant mindset that requires me to produce something tangible in 15 minute increments is counterproductive to thesis-related work.

And I have a plan to turn off my conscious mind at least twice a week. Without Grey or his herbs. I'm thinking about signing up for the shoe tag fitness classes at the gym. With Cardio Camp on Monday or Wednesday and boxing on Thursday, that should be at least two nights a week that I pass out before 4 am. I went to pilates today but, although I was very sweaty, I'm not exhausted. And yoga, while fabulous, is more energizing than relaxing. I'm scared though. I haven't boxed since 2002. I wonder if I still have my wraps.

Lonely limbo

I still haven't replied to W. I flip flop back and forth between wanting to see him again and my usual relationship strategy ie panicked flight response.

I didn't see A today although I spoke to her briefly on the phone. She's at a bridal shower tonight. I talked to a good guy friend today about W and he said to be gentle with him. Somehow getting advice from a man doesn't seem quite the same. Especially when said man is super-sensitive, funny, good-macho-manly and happily married. I need to talk to a girlfriend but I feel alone tonight. Even Baby didn't call me back today and Delorean is working tonight so I'm not sure where she went.

My silver capsules arrived today so I spent four hours rolling my filters into tiny little balls. Hopefully my supervisor ships them off to Cornell tomorrow and the results will be back before mid-October. I'm not sure how I'm going to defend this year.

Work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. I know I'm not going to sleep well tonight and it's going to be a long, exhausting day. I just want to stay in bed and watch Pride and Prejudice - the second DVD - and pretend that the world doesn't exist. Maybe I'll do that on Thursday.

Ow

Date 4 was pleasant. Dinner and coffee and then home. He did squeeze my hand today (and I squeezed back) although he refrained from a kiss on the subway which is a good thing. I'm a major prude when it comes to public displays and that would have made me very uncomfortable.

Date 5 is likely to involve sushi and Conan the Barbarian. His favourite guy moovie. Perhaps Thursday evening. This whole getting to know someone before I sleep with him is quite nice. I think I might actually like him as a person! Granted, I need a martini to relax but I think that's just me. He said that he was surprised how quickly things had proceeded. Four dates in three weeks. That usually he doesn't get past date 2. I laughed and told him that I've had four dates in four days but it never ended up well. So "slow" is good.

He also mentioned that his father is a very strict RC. Sigh. I refuse to borrow trouble but it's worth bearing in mind that there is a potentially huge hurdle coming up. I've been here before. Twice. Three times if you count the Muslim guy I dated briefly and misguidedly. In my late teens. I know this is different but I'm not sure I want my children to be baptized. If I even want to have children.

Work-wise, tomorrow is going to be painful. I have to be up at 6 and in the car by 6.30 but my stomach is killing me. Probably stress and lack of sleep. I got home at 11 and then got on the phone to Baby to coordinate our schedules and find out when I could see Captain W. By the time I checked my email it was almost 12. I got an email from the project manager asking me to review and summarize some documents. Hence the late night posting.

I hope my stomach cooperates in the morning. Okay, I know it won't. I'd better get up a half hour early to deal with agonizing cramps, nausea and cold sweats. Yay.

Watching the Olympics in fast forward

Honestly, if I have to listen to Scott Russell and Diana Swain flirt for a national audience any longer, I will scream. Ian Hanomansing's thinly veiled smug superiority towards Shaun Majumder's particular brand of Rajbinder humour isn't exactly palatable either. (I know, I know, Ian's just uptight because he's jealous that Shaun figured out how to remove the cork from his butt). Fortunately, I watch TV on my computer. This means I can fast forward through CBC's largely inane, uninformative and repetitive coverage of the Beijing Olympics. It is also handy for watching instant replays on my own time. Like when the Japanese athlete falls off the rings. Or for improving my synchronized diving judging skills.

I was about to tell Victoria all about watching TV on my computer but I didn't want to blather on in her comments section so I thought I would do it here. After all, what is a blog for if not for bloghorrhea? So this is how you too can watch TV on your computer.

When you're a giant geekette like me and build your computer to personalized specs (I'd really like to replace my blue LEDs with pink ones, anyone?), you can put in a tv tuner (a thing you plug your cable or rabbit ears into) and software that allows you to record tv which can then be played back, fast fowarded, paused etc. If you've ever seen a PVR or DVR, it's essentially the same thing.

There are many variations of such hardware and software. I had originally intended to pay for cable but I get 6 channels (CBC, CTV, TVOntario, Global, CFMT and City) and that's enough for now. If you want to watch one channel while recording another, you need 2 tv tuners. Oh, and you can download about 2 weeks of tv guide programming information using that software which allows you to program recordings ahead of time. (Yay nightly CSI reruns!) And generally you would want a decent monitor. I have a 22" widescreen which is fine for those all-too-often "snowy" rabbit ears days.

Mental

In my head, I still have conversations with him. I wonder if I can finish my degree in this state of mind. I need to be happy and feel loved to be productive. I'm depressed. I can't sleep at night and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm exhausted during the day. I don't want to eat. I don't know how to take care of myself. I'm not happy. I seek mental distraction everywhere except work. Because I can't focus on the work. The voices in my head are loudest when I'm inside my head. I use TV to drown them out. Or social events. I want to be finished soon so that I have money leftover to go traveling and buy my own place. But I have no desire to actually finish. To do good work and create a worthwhile product. I just want to be with him. I wonder if he still thinks of me sometimes.