Setback

I fired my realtor today. At least, I didn't *fire* him. I lied about my reasons for not seeing more places for the next couple of weeks. He has slipped a few times already and we have only been working together for 10 days. I don't intend to continue working with him. It's sorta like dating, I guess. I just want it to be over but I don't have the balls for the unpleasant honesty.

So there's a week gone in the quest to be not homeless. It feels like a setback but that's because I'm impatient and unhappy, unsettled and frustrated and lonely. I miss my shoes. And my bed. My pillow and sheets and kitchen utensils and did I already mention my shoes?

It's not really a setback though. I learned quite a few things. But I realize that I am officially a high-maintenance first-time home buyer. And I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of doing this all on my own. MFV says I can talk to him but I can't. He's too busy at work to email me back and it's too late in the evening for us to have a reasonable conversation by the time he's home and has had dinner. I am tired and sad. I want him to move here so we can be together but I'm too scared to hope for that.

Fortunately work is an escape, though not having enough to do makes the time pass slowly. I think I have enough to do tomorrow that it should go by faster. And I think I'm going to get a new phone. I'm going to try out the iPhone for two weeks and if I can't handle the touch screen, the store manager will let me switch to the Blackberry. Many people tell me that I will never leave the iPhone once I get used to it. So I guess I have a date with my new iPhone tomorrow night. That, at least, feels like progress. I do need a new phone and, considering how much I am paying for just minutes now, I might as well get some fun stuff out of it.

I almost ruined everything

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

Tea and ladies

Why don't men call when they say they're going to call? What is up with that? I hate it and I probably will never understand it. It frustrates me and I feel unloved, insignificant and neglected. Thank God for girlfriends and afternoon tea and tiny scones with devon cream and tea in teapots with teacups and saucers and strainers and all the dainty things that make me happy. Also, I am looking forward to copious amounts of alcohol tonight. (By copious, I mean two drinks).

Yeah, what D said...

Oh wow! I was *totally* here today. I was heading out to meet coworkers for a post division meeting drink and couldn't find the stinkin' pub. After having a shitty day at the office, I almost went home in tears. But I forced myself to buck the shit up and call someone to get directions. I downed a very large glass of red wine and faked it for an hour. Now I'm home and bed looks so good that I may stomp on my phones, throw the computer out the window and never emerge from my pillow cocoon. Fuck you, life, I hate you!

Calling bullshit

I am so sick of the crap going around of the office that I am officially done with it. If I can't leave the company for public sector, I'm moving back to Vancouver. I have a phone call with my old boss tomorrow afternoon. Before that, I intend to follow up on two local job opportunities. I'm really, truly angry and I haven't felt this way about work in a long time. Close to 10 years, actually. I'm sick of being the one that gets pushed around because other people can't manage their schedules. Or because they're not 100% on this project and have other priorities. I don't feel any loyalty towards the people on this project anymore. And while it will suck for my current supervisor, I'm not exactly getting a lot of support from the seniors in my own group either. I am taking the first opportunity I can get to walk away. I am done crying over this bullshit. Work is not worth the tears.

Angry

I'm really angry. My primary thesis supervisor is AWOL and I had planned to do a run-through this week with my co-supervisor. And the two places that listed yesterday which I was going to see with my realtor this afternoon sold. WTF? I hate everything right now. I realize it is a lethal combination of stress and PMS but I'm angry. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum people. Silently while I sit here in the graduate student office. I'm like a little invisible fire-breathing dragon witch with smoke and steam coming out of all the orifices in my head.

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Dancing around

Ugh. I am so weak.

I was going to write more but I don't think that I will. To make a long and unnecessary story short, I said "no" on the phone in response to his booty call and he still somehow got me over there. No sex, despite his repeated, insistent, sometimes too-assertive demands for it. Just cuddles and kisses. However, when he finally woke up in the morning (I was long gone after his log-sawing chased me out of bed), he was so wasted that he didn't even remember I had been over there. If I hadn't left a note, he wouldn't have found his key. If I hadn't texted him to look for the note, he might not have noticed it on the laptop until tomorrow. Okay, that's enough about that.

I started a belly dancing class last week and I fashioned myself a fancy hip scarf. I bought two small scarfs (black and maroon) and sewed them together to make one big one. When it is completely finished, I might even take a photo (of my ass with bells on!) and post it here for all the interweb to see.

It felt oddly domestic and reassuring to take needle and thread to fabric after many years. But now I must sleep. I have a big conference call in the morning. I will be on the client end and my boss and her boss on the office end. Scary.

Call 9-1-1

There is a global shortage of manly men. I'm declaring a state of emergency.

Disaster

He's a disaster. He came over last night and stayed over (at my suggestion) because it was so late and we've been staying up late the last few nights (get your mind out of the gutter - I've been working late and thesising late). I don't have to go to work today so I had planned to sleep in while he went to work. Unfortunately his alarm didn't wake him up and he ignored me when I tried to wake him up. Until I reminded him he needed to get out before his car got towed. THAT got him moving. Slowly. It took him half an hour to get dressed, get out the door and call the towing company to find out where they took his car. He wasn't annoyed with himself for having to pay $200 to get his car back. He wasn't stressed about being late for his meeting. He didn't even get dressed right away when he discovered his car had been towed. And he didn't ask me to drive him to the impound lot. Maybe he assumed I would or maybe he figured he would get there somehow if I didn't offer. There was no frenzied rushing around or swearing or anything that I (or another normal person) would have done. I find that strange. I guess he does get stressed about things but not the same things that make me anxious. Fortunately I only had to drive him to pick it up and not to the meeting in a northern municipality that he's going to be very, very late for.

I'm going back to bed for a bit. And while I'm there, I'm going to try to convince myself to end it with D (for disaster) because I need someone who has his life together and is a bit more polished. I miss MFV.

Guy code

Tonight he said he missed me and would call me but no phone call. We all know that's the dating kiss of death. Guy speak for: hey you're hot and all but not great enough for me to stick around and deal with your personality.

Sigh.

I want to cut the guy some slack because of the kid and all but, at the same time, I don't want to be naive about him just because he has extra responsibilities. He knew that he needed to call me tonight if he wanted to make plans for the weekend. So no plans involving boys this weekend.

What is wrong with me? Am I that awful?

Programmed to be single

There's something wrong with me. I think I have been single for so long that I have forgotten how to be not alone. Also, I think I have been through so many crap relationships that I have no idea how to be happy when I have found one that is more than halfway decent.

This guy is a good guy. He's not classy or well-dressed or super successful or even terribly good looking. But he is good to me. He genuinely cares (I think) and I do believe that he wants to make me happy. And, for the most part, I am happy when I'm with him. He can be a bit awkward sometimes. Goofy when he should be serious. Scattered and distracted instead of attentive. He talks about moving in together and rings and marriage and it's waaay too early. He has even referred to me as his girlfriend in a joking way to salespeople which is so totally unnecessary. And he's a bit aggressive with the physical contact. That sounds much worse than it actually is. He just has a tendency to always want to be touching me or kissing me or ripping my clothes off. Which is tolerable in private but I'm a total prude out in public. Anyway, I have digressed far beyond my original point. So far, these are the greatest of his sins. Perhaps I should have listed the things I like about him. He completes my unspoken thoughts. He makes me laugh. He hugs when I need it but don't know how to ask. He tells me that he likes me. That I'm beautiful and blah blah. Often. I should be happy.

But, when he's not around and I have missed his phone calls and I'm tired, I start to feel like I don't want this anymore. I start feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and imagine all the different ways I could bolt. If this situation was of the usual dating variety, I would just not call or make contact for a while until the feeling passed. But I have to see him at work tomorrow morning. So now I'm thinking of ways to avoid him. Places to avoid include the water fountain and the coffee room and the printer room. Not taking lunch or running errands to get away. Coming in late and/or leaving early.

God, what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be content?

Predictably so

This one is for Awkward. Actually, I was already writing it in my head when I saw your comment.

The new guy never called. What is UP with that? I really believed him. He was so convincing. And I am so naive. Stupid gullible me.

TGI Friday. If only because I know I have to spend the entire day talking to stupid people. And I won't have to do that on the weekend. I have some really great friends. It's a good thing I don't *need* a man. How to fix the wanting part though?

http://xkcd.com/572/

No closure here

I find myself mentally making lists of all the things that could have gone wrong during and since that weekend in Montreal:

I said something heinous.
I did something heinous.
I wasn't fun enough.
I wasn't funny enough.
I wasn't well-dressed enough.
I didn't pretend to have a good time when I wasn't feeling well.
I got upset when he started to be distant with me.
I was too clingy.
I was too honest.
I didn't stroke his ego enough.
I wasn't bitchy enough.
I was too bitchy.
I don't make enough money.
I pay too much rent.
I paid too much attention to him.
I sent him too many emails.
We didn't have enough sex.
The sex wasn't good enough.
His friend/sister said that she didn't like me.
He got bored.
He got scared.
He met someone.
He got back together with his ex.

Okay, I realize I will never know but making the list makes me feel better.

Today we had a St Paddy's day party at the office. I grabbed a glass of white wine but I didn't have time to drink it before I went to the gym. So I dumped it into my travel mug and brought it home. How terrible is that?? Anyway, I'm going to finish it off and go to bed.

Trampled by elephants

C le V called this morning. We talked for precisely 2 minutes and 3 seconds before his phone crapped out. I waited a few minutes for him to call back and then tried calling him. It went straight to voice mail.

A's conclusion: he must call back by the end of the day and have a reasonable excuse for not calling back within a few hours. Such as being trampled by elephants.

I'm going to attempt to do some work now. I'm going to eat a bagel for motivation. A real bagel from Montreal. Not one of these. Heaven forbid.

1.34 pm update: Phoned again from the gym and talked for 50 seconds. Sent text message saying phone is on death bed and will call from home. Bagel is yummy. Dreading phone call somewhat. Trying to accomplish work frantically before having heart broken later this afternoon.

3.39 pm update: I am apparently neurotic and needy. He was just busy this week with all the post-vacation errata. He was telling me about his weekend and I asked him if he missed me at all. He said of course he missed me and why would I ask? Because he hasn't called me sweetheart in ages. He said he was sorry, sweetheart. He said he would call again this evening. Hmm, we'll see. Statistically significant lowered expectations.

11.31 pm update: He did call and we talked for around half an hour. It was nice, as always but this time I felt that I was being distant and guarded. When we were saying our goodbyes, I said "have a good week" and he asked if we weren't going to talk this week. The question caught me off guard because, in my state of significantly lowered expectations, I assumed that I would likely not hear from him. I stuttered an, "I... I... oh... I... I don't know, but that would be nice!". He laughed and called me by his nickname for me. Not sweetheart but something, anyway.

How did I get here?

Dead inside

I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe this thing with C le V was actually going somewhere. Next time I feel happy enough to hope for good things with a man, shoot me.

Grey's pocket called me again this morning on the way to work. Then, when I was running errands at the mall in the evening, I got a third call. This time, his pocket hung up immediately as I didn't hear the usual snuffling, rustling noises. Whatever could it mean?

I got my hair cut today. It looks fabulous. It won't look fabulous after I wash it because blow drying seems like such a complete and utter waste of time. What am I? Beautiful or something? Sheesh.

Unattractive

I got up late this morning and didn't write to C le V so I decided to write this evening. Initially after I arrived home, I was feeling really dizzy so I lay down on the couch and ended up passing out for a couple of hours. Whenever that happens to me, I wake up groggy and lethargic.

I learned something else about myself too. I had trouble writing to him. The stuff I was thinking about wasn't something I felt ready to share on paper. Because, frankly, it's a bit humiliating and I don't want him to see my insecurity. I read through the last 4 days and realized that I sounded happier in the mornings compared to the way that I sounded this evening. The thing is, I wasn't unhappy when I was writing to him this evening. But I couldn't get the words to flow. I stopped and started several times. I think I was just tired and worn out. And I think I'm like that most evenings which is why I blog in the evening. I need the outlet. And maybe part of the reason that I am feeling insecure about him is because he's not here to talk to me in the evenings and reassure me that everything is okay.

And that's the part that sucks. I shouldn't need that reassurance. I should be confident all the time, not some needy, whining, clingy woman who needs to be emotionally propped up all the time. But why do I get this way? Is it because I'm tired? Or is there some weird psychological effect the darkness has on me? Do I get this way on long, sunny, summer evenings too? It was raining and foggy all day today and that made me happy (yes, I'm weird, I realize that).

Maybe the reason I'm still single at such an advanced age is because I'm cranky in the evening hours when I'm supposed to be relaxed and sociable. I feel as though I'm cranky all the time. I know I'm not a morning person. But now I'm not a night person anymore either. I feel like I suck all the time. Do I deserve to be alone because I'm not warm and comforting and peppy and shiny enough?

I said I wasn't unhappy before but I definitely am now. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.

What? - Three

Just had a 45 minute conversation with Grey where he came soooo close to actually admitting that he might have some feelings for me. I cried and yelled and finally said all the things on my mind. We're having dim sum on Sunday. He said we would talk and figure things out. I am so mad at him right now.

What? -- Part Deux

I have a fascinating series of text messages between me and Grey to share. Yesterday, after I told him that my friend's father had passed away, we talked briefly and he uninvited me to his buddy's house tonight. He asked me who was coming to visit and I told him C le V. So then he said that I couldn't come anymore because he had invited some other girl. He called C le V my loverboy and I asked him if he was jealous. He said no, of course not. I was offended and called him a jerk for uninviting me.

From this morning:

Grey: Hey!! [His admin assistant]'s here making me text you to say sorry for my behaviour on the phone last night!!! Did you still want to come?

EB: [His admin assistant] is a gem. Maybe I should have coffee with her tonight instead! Are you going to uninvite the other girl if I say yes?? Sometimes when I talk to you I want to kill myself.

Grey: There was never any other girl.... I was just being an ass as usual!!!

EB: That doesn't sound like something you would admit to. Did [his admin assistant] write that? Why were you being an ass? It's not like I provoked it - you called me. I thought you were trying to be nice bc my friend's father passed away.

Grey: Ya I know..... I guess it's because I am confused about my feelings towards you.... ok that's it no more girly talk!

Um......................... WHAT.THE.F*&K????