Productive weekend

I had a really good weekend. By the time 5 pm rolled around on Friday, I had zero plans and a full weekend of nothing ahead of me. I purposely didn't schedule anything because my life has felt so overscheduled and crazy busy recently. I just wanted some me time. Time at home to unwind and rest and settle down to yet another fall in this city.

My token male grad student friend (who happens to also be gay) ended up inviting me over for a BBQ just before I left the office and it ended up being a truly entertaining evening. How come gay men are so much more interesting to talk to than straight men? Also, his friends are super cute so that didn't hurt either.

On Saturday I literally lay on the couch all day and watched TV. I did leave the house twice. Once to visit with my septuagenarian friends who left for India today and may not return to Canada. The second time to pick up the paper.

Today, I met my belly dance teacher for brunch and did a bit of shopping on Queen Street. There are a ton of sales on right now, I guess in preparation for Christmas inventory. I bought three serving platters from Urban Barn and then went next door to a furniture store and bought a stool which I have been searching for for ages.


It looks like this but is standard chair height. My dining table is small so I wanted something I could stow under it and just pull out when I have an extra person over.

Speaking of which, MFV is coming to visit in two weeks on his way to Morocco. I'm nervous and excited to see him after 3 years and worried that my expectations (which I can't quite seem to define, even in my head) are too high.

And, for good measure, an update on my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper -- check!
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library -- check!
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets -- check!
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap -- check!
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

Nothing weekend

I have nothing to blog about so I'm going to blog about nothing.

This weekend, I did next to nothing. After I handed in my thesis on Friday afternoon, I have no recollection of what happened afterward. Oh wait, I do remember. I went to my friend's husband's restaurant on the Danforth and had to leave before 1.30 am because I was so tired. Stinkin' Taste of the Danforth shut down half the street. It's a stupid festival because they hold it during the hottest part of the summer and there is never any shade or seating. Lame.

On Saturday, I looked at some more condos with my realtor and got fed up. Then I went to some open houses with a former coworker and was even more miserable. After that, I had early dinner and a drink with a different former coworker at Kalendar in Little Italy which was the high point of the weekend. I was home, on the couch in my pjs by 8 pm. My friend was supposed to phone me and drag me out salsa dancing but she forgot about me. I'm glad she did.

Sunday, I stayed in bed ignoring the phone until 2 pm when I got up and bought groceries for the first time in several weeks. Then I came home and did nothing.

All in all, I needed the weekend of unproductivity but I made up for it by working late tonight. God, my life without thesis is mundane. Hopefully I will buy a place soon and be able to bitch and moan about being house-poor and a slave to my mortgage.

"Electronic emboldening and concomitant anonymity"*

I have started to wonder if my blog is too honest. There are things I write here that I would never say in public. Would never sign my name to. Would restrict to the pages of my journal were it not for the internet's anonymity. Perhaps a few too many Sex and the City episodes have lured me into thinking that it's not a big mistake to post the sordid details of my sexual adventures here. (And the same reason I commented to a short man in Tim Horton's that he had a big lens). Certainly if I was outed and my anonymity evaporated, I would delete this entire blog. Perhaps it's time to start archiving for that eventuality. I would hate to lose these words the way I lost those 500+ photos in 2006.

I don't know if I will ever get over the pain and suffering of having my camera stolen in Shanghai. It wasn't about the camera. I was too stupid and tired and lazy and rushed to back up the photos. I knew better. What I wouldn't give to go back to that moment in the shower when I thought "they're just photos". Why do I continue to punish myself this way?

I wonder if I will hear from Grey tomorrow and cancel tentative plans with Baby and Delorean. Probably. I hope I don't hear from him. But, just in case, I'm going to bed now. Even if the Coke-induced caffeine high isn't negated by the effects of fresh pasta made with eggs and a glass of Prosecco, at least I will be in my bed and not in the lab. Ralph Lauren thread count and water pillow, here I come.

*Acknowledgment to E for the title of this entry.

Unprepared

My God, my day actually got worse! I went out with a close friend of X's that I had not seen for almost a year. He randomly came online and asked me if I wanted to grab some food with him. He just broke up with his girlfriend so he might have been projecting a bit but that doesn't excuse his behaviour.

He asked me to tell him the condensed version of what happened when I broke up with X. Which I proceeded to do. And then he was critical about how negative and bitter I am. I was honest about my version of events. I know that he heard X's version 4 years ago when it happened. He had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't over it. Obviously. I really can't figure out where this all came from. Why would he ask me out to lunch just to go on at me about how I'm such a bad person?

He didn't ask me about my relationships since then. He said I give off a negative vibe all the time. How every time he logs into MSN, my message is unhappy. For crying out loud, I'm a grad student! I'm stressed and hungry and exhausted all the time! I never post negative messages about relationships because I have no idea if Grey still has me on his MSN. I don't know why he thought I needed to hear this from him. I can handle the criticism. In fact, I absolutely agree with everything he said. I know I have issues. I know I'm not over X. And the situation with Grey is not improving my self-esteem.

But what's the rush? Why do I have to start dating right this very moment? Why can't I wait until I'm finished school? Isn't focusing on my thesis a legitimate reason for not wanting to deal with my issues immediately? Can't I learn how to be happy and single first? And why does he think it's okay for him to probe these issues? He's not my friend.

I wasn't expecting to have to deal with that this afternoon when I was already feeling so down about myself. Maybe he is angry with his ex girlfriend and took it out on me. I feel like he attacked me unnecessarily. And the thing that irks me most is that he had no constructive advice on how I can be a better person.

Big Mac told me not to let it get to me so after I post this, I will not think about it anymore. I won't hang out with him again. And I have decided to give myself 7 years to get over X. That means I'm half way there.

Mental

In my head, I still have conversations with him. I wonder if I can finish my degree in this state of mind. I need to be happy and feel loved to be productive. I'm depressed. I can't sleep at night and I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm exhausted during the day. I don't want to eat. I don't know how to take care of myself. I'm not happy. I seek mental distraction everywhere except work. Because I can't focus on the work. The voices in my head are loudest when I'm inside my head. I use TV to drown them out. Or social events. I want to be finished soon so that I have money leftover to go traveling and buy my own place. But I have no desire to actually finish. To do good work and create a worthwhile product. I just want to be with him. I wonder if he still thinks of me sometimes.

Bridget Jones - the pathetic first half of the movie

Still miss him. Required to function. Have generally lost the desire to live. Hungry but can't bring myself to eat more than cheese on stale toast. With two week old lemon-flavoured rice krispy squares. Can't prevent self from daily (or twice daily) cigarette. Have lost interest in classes and thesis. Don't care (very much) that thesis supervisor thinks progress last term was unsatisfactory. Plan for week is to wait to hear if Research Assistant is available to help. If not, will find Rob to see if we can figure out method together. Spent lots of time watching TV. Both Bridget Jones movies. Hence the choppy writing style. Also side-splitting episodes of Raymond (Robert and Debra go swing dancing) and Two 1/2 Men (Kandi becomes an actress).

Drank a Pepsi this afternoon. Knew I would regret it but did it anyway. Out of spite for Coca-Cola products. Must really get past pettiness and grow up. Would really rather everything ended. Fantasize that oblivion is a big black abyss with no feelings or words or thoughts. Also often fantasize about taking hot bath with sharp knife. Can't imagine bleeding out. In fact, horrified by the mental picture. Wished that primal survival part of brain wasn't hard wired for evolution and self-preservation.

Must buy groceries. Must sleep. Work tomorrow. Must finish report. Must move on from Grey. Must stop loving him and missing him and pining away wondering what he's doing. Must stop obsessing about sending one liner emails. Must stop punishing self for eventually sending one liner emails. Must find confidence and self-esteem. Not sure where to look or what to look for. Likely need professional help. Don't have adequate coverage. Likely will no longer require professional help when adequate coverage becomes available again. Perhaps will have walked in front of a semi-trailer by then.

Control freak

When I get scared, I become paralyzed. I can't seem to do anything. I can't bring myself to leave the house or do some work or call someone or even think straight. Why? Because I'm a control freak. And, more than anything else in the world, relationships scare me because they are so completely out of my control. And that is why I am so profoundly affected when things don't go the way that I want. I think this might be a breakthrough day for me. I get that I'm scared, but I never really clearly understood why. I'm starting to understand that I just have to let go. If he hasn't called, if I think he's avoiding me, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't rehearse conversations in my head in preparation for when he eventually does call. I can't plan for the things he might say. It doesn't help to imagine all the things he could be doing to hurt me. So I just have to wait patiently. That is the hardest thing of all. I'm the girl that can take care of herself because, if I want something, I just go and do it. I can do that for myself. But I can't make anyone do that for me. So I have to suck it up and just get up off my terrified ass and go and do all of the things that I had planned for today. That's all I can do. I think I understand that now.

To make a long story short

I spent most of my twenties in a relationship that I thought was the last one I would ever have. We met at university in 1997 when I was least expecting to meet someone. We were together for 7 years officially. He taught me a lot of things. About choosing your battles, about the meaning of family, about infinite patience and forgiveness. He moved to BC in 2001 to pursue his dream and I followed him in 2003.

For almost 7 years, we talked every single day. Sometimes several times a day. We broke up at the end of 2004 because I wanted to get married and buy a house and settle down and declare to the Universe that our souls were one. But he was too unhappy with me and scared of me to commit. I know this because he told me three months ago. If I'm being honest, we were both unhappy and, in hindsight, if we had stayed together, we would both still be completely miserable. But we still saw each other and talked every day for more than a year after we broke up. My parents love him. I love his family and miss them a lot. I never knew the meaning of Thanksgiving until I met his mother and for 7 years, it was my favourite holiday. Now, the holidays make me want to permanently put an end to the suffering.

Shortly after we broke up, he bought a condo (ironic?) and I helped him paint and decorate and furnish. We travelled together several times to the States and around BC. Ate dinner together almost every night. But since 2005, I've bounced around with other guys who have been a combination of emotionally or physically unavailable or just bad to me. Not abusive, they just didn't care. It was my way of punishing myself for being such a terrible person. I'm fully aware of my behaviour but changing it is something completely different. Meanwhile, he met someone last summer and they live together now. They're going to Australia for two of our best friends' wedding in March. I can't go obviously and it hurts that the current "one" gets to go and I won't be there.

So, after all of that, I can't seem to get past the things that my mother said to me as a teenager. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps she wasn't. I realise that the only way I can be in a successful relationship now is to know how to love and value and respect myself. After all, if I can't be good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to? I think I've said that before.

But, after 7 years of thinking that I was with the only person who has ever been right for me, it's hard for me to accept anyone that might be "interested". Now, when someone expresses an interest in anything beyond just friendship, I push them away every way I know how and run as hard in the other direction as I can. It's the only way I know how to protect myself from all of the bad things that have happened before. I don't know if I'll ever get beyond this. For now, it's who I am. Take it or leave it, I have to live with it 24/7.

If I tell you I'm hiding, will you pretend not to find me?

I'm hiding from everyone. Hiding from myself. Hiding, because the truth is scary. Hiding because I'm exhausted. Hiding because I don't know what I'm doing here.

I feel stupid today. In fact, here I am, having set up a brand new blog, and I can't even find any words.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.