Bridget Jones - the pathetic first half of the movie

Still miss him. Required to function. Have generally lost the desire to live. Hungry but can't bring myself to eat more than cheese on stale toast. With two week old lemon-flavoured rice krispy squares. Can't prevent self from daily (or twice daily) cigarette. Have lost interest in classes and thesis. Don't care (very much) that thesis supervisor thinks progress last term was unsatisfactory. Plan for week is to wait to hear if Research Assistant is available to help. If not, will find Rob to see if we can figure out method together. Spent lots of time watching TV. Both Bridget Jones movies. Hence the choppy writing style. Also side-splitting episodes of Raymond (Robert and Debra go swing dancing) and Two 1/2 Men (Kandi becomes an actress).

Drank a Pepsi this afternoon. Knew I would regret it but did it anyway. Out of spite for Coca-Cola products. Must really get past pettiness and grow up. Would really rather everything ended. Fantasize that oblivion is a big black abyss with no feelings or words or thoughts. Also often fantasize about taking hot bath with sharp knife. Can't imagine bleeding out. In fact, horrified by the mental picture. Wished that primal survival part of brain wasn't hard wired for evolution and self-preservation.

Must buy groceries. Must sleep. Work tomorrow. Must finish report. Must move on from Grey. Must stop loving him and missing him and pining away wondering what he's doing. Must stop obsessing about sending one liner emails. Must stop punishing self for eventually sending one liner emails. Must find confidence and self-esteem. Not sure where to look or what to look for. Likely need professional help. Don't have adequate coverage. Likely will no longer require professional help when adequate coverage becomes available again. Perhaps will have walked in front of a semi-trailer by then.