Is it Friday yet??

I am not loving this whole working 5 days a week thing. I handed my thesis in for binding today and I am thoroughly relieved about that. I also hate my job right now so I applied for a better one this morning, which coincidentally is in the same building as the graduate school. Completely unrelated though.

I have a few plans this weekend so that's nice. Nothing tomorrow night, but I have no doubt that will change. Or, if not, I can entertain myself at home by scrubbing floors and dusting and vacuuming. Saturday morning pilates and run. Saturday afternoon newspaper. Saturday evening drinks and dessert at a friend's place. Sunday afternoon D-SLR window-shopping (did I mention that my parents offered to buy me one as a graduation gift? Yay me :) with Piglet and parents. I haven't seen them for ages. Then I think I might be having dinner with A's parents on Sunday night. I hope so because I haven't seen them - or been fed by her mother - for some time.

Other than having to go to work every day, this thesis-free lifestyle suits me just fine.

Oh yeah, new guy update: he set off my gay-dar today when he was telling me about his great blue pin-striped suit. Douchebag's jealousy could very well be misplaced.

I drunk

Thursday, bubbles, weed and sex.
Friday, bubbles and fondue and Crown and ginger.
Saturday, red wine.
Sunday, tea.
Monday, sangria, blow job (free, with whipped cream, look ma no hands!), beer.
Tuesday...

Couch to 5K - Item 3 on the Shawshank List

I went to the gym today. It's on my bucket list (which is actually more of a Shawshank list) and I decided I needed some motivation so I Googled Couch to 5K and found Carli's website with some running playlists. I downloaded Week 1 and it is really great. It helped me get to the gym, kept me on the treadmill and I was actually disappointed when it was over! I am not exactly new to running but I have neglected the gym for the past two months. I just figured that, if I had enough energy to work out, I should be working on my thesis instead, right? Anyway, it felt good to go back to the gym and the workout was pretty straightforward. I won't say it was easy but it wasn't too challenging and I'm looking forward to going to the gym for the rest of this week.

This is not entirely an altruistic goal. I'm going to Mexico for a week next Sunday and the thought of standing next to 20-something-year old bikini clad bodies is excruciatingly intimidating. Now that I find myself in my 30s, I definitely have better self-esteem and that translates into better body image. I have some problem areas which I never had in my 20s but gravity and stress and age have taken their toll. So I'm working on the abs, the shoulders and triceps and overall cardio this week.

The hard part will be to eat better. I went out for Indian in Yorkville last night and ended up painfully full. I walked home but was still uncomfortable after the chilly evening half-hour walk. Then, this afternoon, I had high tea (again in Yorkville, my credit cards are weeping) and walked home again. I no longer stuff myself at tea because of my egg allergy but I did inhale a lot of cream and scones. God, so yummy. It was a party in my mouth this weekend. (Friday night was bubbles and fondue with the grad students followed by a tiny bit of bar hopping in Little Italy).

The final part of the plan is to run a 5K in November at the end of the 9 week program. Ontario is going to be mighty chilly at that time of year so maybe I should look for a run in Vancouver. Or the Caribbean somewhere :) I haven't fully thought that through yet but I will have a lot more free brain power now that the thesis is done.

Here is the rest of my Shawshank list:

1. Read the paper
2. Make dim sum
3. Go to the gym -- check!
4. Go to the library
5. Go to my favourite restaurant in Little Italy
6. Clean apartment -- check!
7. Purge stuff in "office"
8. Sell microwave
9. Sell U2 tickets
10. Go to the movies (at least two)
11. Start watching Entourage
12. Lie on the grass - it's getting too cold for this :(
13. Look into fall classes (culinary, photography, Italian)
14. Watch documentaries and nap
15. Take new drug plan info to pharmacy (yes, boring but it needs to be done)

DONE!

I'm done! DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE! Yay :)

God, it is such a good feeling. I am so relieved it's over. And it went surprisingly well. To be honest (because I can do that here), I am really impressed at myself for doing such a good job with the presentation and the questions. It felt as though they went on and on forever but actually it was short at an hour and 15 minutes. I got a lot of compliments on the quality of my work and my thesis document itself. The former chair of the program (who is a silver fox hottie with a wonderful exotic accent) said that he really liked what I had done and was happy. When I left the room for their deliberations, he said to me, "you can relax now". Le sigh. I think I am in love with that man. Anyway, many compliments later, they nominated me for the Governor General's Gold medal award. Nobody from my program has ever won it because it's tough to publish in science but it felt good to even get the nomination and it will look rather nice on my CV :)

Grey was good enough to come pick me up after I had a few celebratory drinks. At one point, just as we were getting into bed, I was lying there thinking, "what if I just dreamed all of this and I have to defend it all over again!" Momentary panic. I imagine I will have more days of waking up and thinking those thoughts.

For now, back to bed for a nap. This afternoon, I have a big pile of library books to return. And this evening, more drinks with bubbles :)

Congratulations me!

D-Day

It is D-day. One more sleep and then I will wake up and do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know it will be hard because this is my life we're talking about. One more sleep with my thesis and the whole thing will (hopefully) be over. Although... there is a guy in my program who defended today and did such a stellar (sarcastic) job that he has to re-defend in 2 months. Apparently this "university" just will not let anyone fail! Yay for that. This time tomorrow I plan to be drizzunk and/or asleep. One Master's thesis defense coming right up.

Angry

I'm really angry. My primary thesis supervisor is AWOL and I had planned to do a run-through this week with my co-supervisor. And the two places that listed yesterday which I was going to see with my realtor this afternoon sold. WTF? I hate everything right now. I realize it is a lethal combination of stress and PMS but I'm angry. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum people. Silently while I sit here in the graduate student office. I'm like a little invisible fire-breathing dragon witch with smoke and steam coming out of all the orifices in my head.

Defense T minus 11

Defense is on August 27 at 2 pm. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. Really, the thing that worries me most is the unpredictability of questions. Everything else will be okay provided I spend every spare second of every day between now and then preparing thoroughly. I have to finish my presentation before Thursday which is when I will be doing a run-through with my supervisors. Then I have another week to think of and prepare answers to questions. Basically, anything I wrote in 150+ pages is up for debate. I'm scared.

I took yesterday off to decompress with the other grad students. We had brunch at Watermark in the Harbourfront Centre and ended up at the beach at Ward Island which was actually not completely disgusting. We may go back in two weekends when we're done with our defenses. In the evening, we ordered pizza and had a drink and bitched and moaned and complained about school and thesis supervisors. It was fun and I might even miss these girls when we're done. I probably won't see them again after convocation.

Meanwhile, Grey went here last night. http://www.wickedclub.com/

I don't know how much more of his crap I can take. I know that I have been saying that for the last year and a half but I'm starting to feel used and abused. Underappreciated and taken advantage of. It's wearing me down slowly. Well, maybe when the thesis is over, I will welcome the drama back into my life.

Speaking of drama, MFV might come visit at the end of September on his way to Morocco. While I want to go with him to Morocco, I'm not sure if our friendship can stand this test of real life exposure. I haven't seen him in 3 years. I don't know if he knows what he wants from me but I'm tired of guys flip flopping between wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. Don't I deserve to be with a man who knows what he wants? I guess I will wait to worry about him until I see a flight number.

Also, that place I didn't make an offer on? It sold for more than $30K above asking. It appears I can't actually afford to buy the type of place I want in this godforsaken city. It has been a bad news day all around.

Nothing weekend

I have nothing to blog about so I'm going to blog about nothing.

This weekend, I did next to nothing. After I handed in my thesis on Friday afternoon, I have no recollection of what happened afterward. Oh wait, I do remember. I went to my friend's husband's restaurant on the Danforth and had to leave before 1.30 am because I was so tired. Stinkin' Taste of the Danforth shut down half the street. It's a stupid festival because they hold it during the hottest part of the summer and there is never any shade or seating. Lame.

On Saturday, I looked at some more condos with my realtor and got fed up. Then I went to some open houses with a former coworker and was even more miserable. After that, I had early dinner and a drink with a different former coworker at Kalendar in Little Italy which was the high point of the weekend. I was home, on the couch in my pjs by 8 pm. My friend was supposed to phone me and drag me out salsa dancing but she forgot about me. I'm glad she did.

Sunday, I stayed in bed ignoring the phone until 2 pm when I got up and bought groceries for the first time in several weeks. Then I came home and did nothing.

All in all, I needed the weekend of unproductivity but I made up for it by working late tonight. God, my life without thesis is mundane. Hopefully I will buy a place soon and be able to bitch and moan about being house-poor and a slave to my mortgage.

Today

I did not buy a condo. I am not a homeowner. I still have money in the bank. It's a bit of a relief actually. I was going to put an offer on a place but, by the time I met with my realtor, there were already 5 other registered offers. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said, "a big fat nothing!" What the hell happened to the recession? Sheesh.

Also, I had planned to come home and celebrate not thesising tonight but I'm tired as crap. I really want to watch some Law and Order but my body is finally rebelling against me. I may actually have to go to bed.

DUCK!

I cannot wait to say "duck you for-ducking-ever thesis!"

I also cannot wait for it to be Friday so that I can get drunk and pass out on my couch before 8 pm.

End in sight

This is it. The last weekend of thesis writing! Well, maybe not ever because I'm sure I will have corrections after the defense. But it's the last weekend of thesis writing for a month! Yay :) Also, my parents are in town, despite my urging them not to come until October, so it's a good way to avoid hanging out with them.

I saw a place that I liked enough on Thursday to consider making an offer. So I might do that on Wednesday. How crazy a week would that be? Submit my thesis and buy a condo in the same week? I guess I'm going to have to get seriously drizzunk next weekend.

For now, back to denitrification (shudder). No wait, first I'm going to have brunch at the new Cora's near my place. Bagel with lox, here I come!

My head hurts

I handed in the second draft of my schmesis this morning so I took tonight off and saw Angels & Demons. I really enjoyed it but now I'm feeling a bit guilty for not doing any work. I suck. I'm going to see a dentist on Thursday afternoon because I have started grinding my teeth. It's getting so bad that my ears hurt. Usually it's my left shoulder so this teeth this is really new. I might try to book a massage this week as well. Sigh. I need someone to come over and rub my face.

Overworked and unpaid

I want to kill myself. It will all be over soon and I can see the end of it but I don't want to do this anymore. The thing that surprises me most about this period in my life is how little support I seem to be getting from my friends. Maybe I should just ask for help but I have never been very good at that. I just figured that somebody would say, "hey can I bring you some dinner?" or "do you want me to help you run some errands?" but no. Not a single offer of help. Well, that's not true. One of my friends offered to read it but she did an arts degree and MBA so I doubt the damn thing would make any sense to her. I did ask a former coworker to check over my data for me but she said no. I was pretty surprised about that. I guess if you've never done it you have no idea how insane it really is. This is by far the most work I have ever done in my life. I don't think I have ever been this stressed and I have done some things. I know that I'm alone in the Universe so I don't expect to be taken care of. But I'm surprised that nobody has even though to offer some support. So no, I'm not asking anyone for help. I feel very lonely and isolated right now.

What the...?

My body is demonstrating signs of stress in one very unusual place. I need some chamomile tea. For my navel piercing. Has anyone experienced this before? Ugh. I need sleep and a vacation. It's time to start the defense countdown. 32 days til I'm freeee.

The Bucket List (only it's not a bucket, it's more like a Shawshank)

I wrote a facebook note today. Here it is:

Okay girls, it's time. It's time to make the list of things to do after the defense is over. And I'm talking serious things that you can check off the list not crap like "go on a safari" or "learn a language".

Here goes...

1. Go to a movie. Two movies even. At the drive-in!
2. Start watching Entourage. One season per weekend.
3. Buy a condo
4. Lie on the grass all afternoon.
5. Mop the floors
6. Go to the beach and worry if I'm wearing enough sunscreen
7. Pilates class. Oh how I miss you pilates class.
8. Dump my filing cabinet in the recycling, alphabetized tabs and all!
9. Dance. In public. Preferably after getting dressed up and hammered on random shots
10. Spa day: massage, mani, pedi and some waxing which y'all don't really need to know about
11. Take a class (yes I'm serious) not for credit (I'm thinking photography or culinary arts at GBC)

Your turn.

One of my fellow grad studentettes* replied with this:

I'm too lazy/brain too fried to make my own list right now so I'll just steal/elaborate on yours lol

1. Go to drive in with EB. Also rent and watch Twilight.
2. Watch rest of Lost seasons, Season 1 of The Wire (Xmas present, not watched yet) and Madmen (borrowed from Baby Mama in April??) - also not watched
3. Buy a couch... Read more
4. Spend a solid week walking around various neighbourhoods of Toronto I love but have spent no time in this summer. Before winter comes...
5. Clean out closet. Take clothes to Value Village. Replace with new fall "work appropriate" clothes from Buffalo/Niagara.
6. Go somewhere with a beach and someone to make me drinks and sit on ass for week.
7. Start rowing again. This may wait til spring.
8. Burn all thesis files on computer to disk, delete from computer, make computer run faster. Shred printed work and papers.
9 and 10. Yes please.
11. Sign up for train conducting school? Also at GBC

*Some details changed to protect our identities.

Waxing philosophical/thesis procrastination

What if getting married and having kids and grandkids is the only really meaningful thing we can do in life and I'm missing out on all of that because I'm too scared and/or selfish?

What if I didn't learn that because my parents didn't understand it and couldn't pass it on?

I don't want to have children. I'm too selfish. I like shoes and silence and space.

I need a drink.

Jolt

I know I don't normally blog in the morning but I had to write this down. I woke up with a jolt about 20 minutes ago thinking, "what day is it today? I know I have to be somewhere but where?" After a moment, I remembered that I don't have to be anywhere but the girls are coming over in half an hour or so and we're leaving for Port Elgin. I haven't showered, had breakfast or packed and the house is a disaster. Argh.

I need

A man. Or a butler. Or a nanny. These are the things I would like to do but won't because I feel guilty about not thesising:

1. Clear the 4 cups off my desk and put them in the dishwasher.
2. Clean the bathroom. More specifically the toilet and the shower stall. The floor and the tub can wait.
3. Fold and put away the mountains of laundry in my laundry basket and on the back of the couch.
4. Tidy up the kitchen. Oh those pesky sesame seed bagel crumbs.
5. Mop the floors. The dog was here and he's drippy when watering himself from his water bowl.
6. Vacuum.
7. Buy some groceries so that A's parents don't have to feed me every other night.
8. Take out the recycling.
9. Take out the garbage.
10. Iron. Ah, who am I kidding? I wouldn't do that even if I had an entire month off. I'll just walk around looking wrinkled.

One thing I am looking forward to: going away this weekend with three other grad students. One of the girls has in-laws with a house in Port Elgin. We're taking our laptops, printers and journal articles and the plan is to spend three days working and bitching and moaning and complaining. I hope it doesn't fall through because I really need a change of scene and to get out of this stinky city.

Oh wait, that's not the stench of piles of garbage on the street because of the strike. That's the whiff of BS coming off my thesis. We don't call it thesis feces for nothing!

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Thesis panic

Holy fuck. Pardon my language. But I have a buttload of work to do. I'm not sure I can finish my thesis before my time in this program expires at the end of August. I am extremely anxious. I'm meeting my supervisor at 10 am. We're going to have to talk about a final drop date for this thing.

On a happier note, I get to puppy-sit next week. Oh, except he's not a puppy anymore. I'm pretty excited about that. I might ask to work from home next week so that I can focus on the thesis and not stress too much about getting home to let him out.