Out on a limb... or am I?

I think I mentioned I have been writing to C le V every day since he left last weekend. Tomorrow morning will be day 7. I'm thinking it might be time to put this letter in the mail. But I'm not sure if I should. I have written honestly, and thoughtfully, but I have put myself out there a little bit. Even the act of having written to him every day seems maybe a little bit... stalkerish? I don't know. Is it romantic or is it just lame? I think he will appreciate it but I honestly don't know. I don't know him well enough to gauge whether he will be overwhelmed or ecstatic. He has said before that he enjoys our emails. That he missed our daily correspondence when I was traveling. And I miss it now that he's traveling. I would like to believe I would be happy to receive such a letter from him. But should I send it?

On the one hand, I have little to lose. Just some pride and dignity should this not work out and he publishes them on the internet to general scorn and mockery. But I don't think I have revealed anything truly intimate. Just some feelings for him. Mostly mundane stuff though.

On the other hand, what is there to gain? Maybe by putting myself out on that limb, I run the risk of falling. And who knows what lies below? A snake pit? A black lagoon? A house on fire? Or maybe it will be good things, like lambs and baby pink elephants and puppies and marshmallows.

I will decide tomorrow. The envelope is addressed and stamped in case I feel brave and post it on the spur of the moment. More likely I will do the same thing I did with all of my letters and emails to Grey. They went to the graveyard of the written word: the recycling bin.

Unspoken Valentine

Hey

Happy Valentine’s Day! There’s no agenda. I don’t expect that you’ll respond or even acknowledge. That’s completely fine. In fact, you don’t even have to keep reading. I just wanted you to know that I miss you.

It’s been a couple of months since the soup incident which ended our “relationship”. But I’m still not over you. There were so many great things that I can’t help remembering and missing. It turns out that you were the best spoon ever. I miss the way you used to roll me over and hold me close. I also miss your cooking. Watching you cut vegetables and sauté. The smell of bacon cooking in the morning. You asking me what I wanted to drink just so you’d have an empty can for the bacon fat. To be honest, I’ve stopped enjoying food now. Actually, everything seems much less interesting. You were like the lights on the Christmas tree: the ornaments are nice but without the lights, there’s no sparkle. Maybe that’s a stupid analogy but there are so many things that remind me of you. Bikes, dim sum, Riedel glasses, wooden hangars, black and white photos, telescopes, sheets, cigarettes, Coke products, gas stations… I think I miss your hands the most.

For the last few years, I have been trying to learn how to be happy on my own. It’s tough sometimes but I think that’s the bigger plan for my life. I think I’m supposed to be alone. I don’t know if I believe in God but I think the universe is trying to tell me something. This feeling that I’m meant to be alone is growing.

Before I met you, I didn’t believe in love. I didn’t believe in “The One”. I thought that I would probably meet someone who shared most of my priorities and we’d decide to make things work. Love and passion and romance would be irrelevant. And I would be responsible for my own happiness. Then I met you. I never told you this but I was happy just being with you. Regardless of our conversations or lack thereof. Despite the fact we worked more than we played. Your company was enough for me. So when you say I wanted more, I really didn’t. The simple things we did together were more than enough. It was never about being your girlfriend or thinking about our futures. It was just about you and me and right now.

I never talked about any of this because I thought that was part of the “no commitments” agreement. One of my best friends told me that I made a mistake. He told me that I should have let you in. But I was scared to talk to you because I thought I would lose you. I lost you anyway so I’ll never know if that was the right decision but it is something that I regret. I’m good at keeping people at a distance so I really shouldn’t be surprised.

If you knew me, you wouldn’t be surprised either at how things turned out. It’s not surprising that I would spend my entire 20s not believing in love. And then I turn 30, give up on love and marriage and intimacy, and then meet you. My friends would say to me “trust you to fall in love with someone who can’t love you back”. And they would be right.

So, Grey, if you ever change your mind, if you ever decide you’re prepared to take a chance on someone, just know that I’m waiting. I mean, now that I know love exists, how could I settle for anything less?

The email I actually sent...

Sadly I don't trust myself to say this to your face. Or even on the phone.


You've been so busy being defensive and closed-off that you never asked me what I wanted from you. I think you assumed that I wanted what you are searching for.


I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole "love" thing. I don't know how anyone can fall in love when they know so little about the person they are with. Is it possible to be in love with someone and not know who they really are? If that's true, how can love be real? When you said you could see I wanted more from you than what we have right now, I was floored. Why would you think that? Is that arrogance or fear? I want what we had last month before you started pushing me away. I do care about you but I don't think I could fall in love with someone that I barely know. Besides, I don't think that you get to tell someone not to fall in love with you.


What I wanted was to be with someone who liked and respected me. What I want is to meet someone whose company I actually enjoy enough to spend consecutive nights with him. I want to have sex with someone who appreciates more than just my body. So that we can do other things when we're not having sex and still have a good time. Because that is one of the things that makes sex better. I guess I was looking for a higher level of connection instead of just a "fuck friend". I want someone with whom I can spend hours and not feel compelled to do anything except what we each want. Like read the paper or take a nap or just get some work done. I want someone who will take my needs into consideration when we are spending time together. Because those are things I would do for the person I was with. I thought that you could be that guy but I guess I was fooled by your good manners and willingness to take care of me. I thought that this was what we both wanted and I am so confused that you continue to have issues with this on a weekly basis. I guess I should have known better when Steph said you were "a romantic".


I think that I was right about you. I think that you can't be happy in a sexual relationship with someone you're not in love with. And I think you're too scared and too hurt to allow yourself to fall in love. Remember when you continued to call me after I told you I didn't want to see you anymore? What was that? Remember that night when we were out watching the sailboats and the stars? What was that all about? Or that time you were out with Steph and asked me to come join you. I told I couldn't have sex with you and you said that it wasn't just about the sex. What was that? Was that you thinking about letting me in? You didn't need to go to the trouble. I would have slept with you anyway. Because I liked you and you made me laugh. It doesn't happen often to me so I was prepared to take the leap.


Maybe I am too caring and generous and sensitive. I am that way because I don't want to become my mother. Most of my friends value and appreciate those qualities in me but I can't seem to find an honest, trustworthy guy who thinks that about me and also wants to have sex with me. Maybe that means I'm fuckable but not lovable. And that breaks my heart because maybe I won't ever be in love and maybe nobody will ever be in love with me.


I still stand by everything I wrote in that facebook message in September. But I am starting to wish I had walked away then. For weeks I reminded myself every day that you weren't my boyfriend. I don't have to do that anymore.


If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that men can't be friends with the women they have sex with. A friend would have asked what he could do for me. The last time I had food poisoning, Vancouver brought me soup and ginger ale and ginger tea and I've never slept with him. When My Former Valentine was sick, I took him drugs and never slept with him either. That's what friends do for each other. But you were too selfish to get in your car and drive for 10 minutes to return the soup that I bought for you with no strings attached. Was that arrogance or fear?


Whatever your reasons, you can't seem to make up your mind about me. So I'm deciding for both of us now. No more sex, or shared papers or dim sum or spoons in bed.


There is no need for you to call or email. I didn't take your sweater with me on Sunday but I would like my book so please leave it with my concierge before you go to Ottawa. I will make sure you get your sheets when they arrive.


I am alternating between relief and tears. I miss him. I think he was the one. Which means I will be alone forever. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

Booger Monster

The booger monster crawling around my sinuses is waging war on the inside of my head. Please send codeine.

I wrote this letter today to a boy on behalf of a girlfriend. Let's call the boy "Prince Charming" and the girl "Fiona". Fortunately, she laughed when she read it. And then sent a sweet, soft email begging him to call her. Urgh. Why do women never learn?

Dear PC,

I was talking to Fiona and I decided to write you a letter. This is what I think your silent messages are saying. Tell me if I am wrong.

1. You’re just not that into her.
2. You’re a pussy and you don’t have the balls to come right out and say it.
3. You lack the basic manners to tell her that you’re too busy to talk when you’re the one that suggested a conversation in the first place.
4. You’re arrogant and conceited and selfish for giving her the runaround in the first place.
5. You’re an idiot because she’s way out of your league and you’re going to lose out on something that you probably don’t even deserve.

She will not be contacting you again because she has realized she has better things to do with her life than wait around for some guy whose head is shoved so far up his gimpy ass that he can’t grab onto a hottie like her instead of lunging for the baby oil.

Finally, in order to preserve our collective dignity, I will not be sending this email on her behalf because she doesn’t need any extra attention from a loser like you.

Respectfully
EB

Found his letters and read each one out loud

Last night, we were on the phone for 3 hours. Not exactly conducive to studying but lovely nonetheless. At one point, we got to talking about Skype and long distance phone bills and letters and I realized that I probably still had his. I found seven from 1994/1995. He insisted that I read all of them out loud. They were so cute and funny. But the really remarkable thing is that he is as smitten now as he was back then and says all the same things to me. Makes me wonder how many other girls he has used those lines on. I'm joking. He's cute and I love it. I'm scared but it's a crazy scared. And crazy is good.

I'm going to have to break it to him that I can't be spending hours on the phone with him every night tho. Oh, who am I kidding? We already both know. One of us has to be strong and I am not that one. Oh dear. I don't have to finish grad school, do I?