Booger Monster

The booger monster crawling around my sinuses is waging war on the inside of my head. Please send codeine.

I wrote this letter today to a boy on behalf of a girlfriend. Let's call the boy "Prince Charming" and the girl "Fiona". Fortunately, she laughed when she read it. And then sent a sweet, soft email begging him to call her. Urgh. Why do women never learn?

Dear PC,

I was talking to Fiona and I decided to write you a letter. This is what I think your silent messages are saying. Tell me if I am wrong.

1. You’re just not that into her.
2. You’re a pussy and you don’t have the balls to come right out and say it.
3. You lack the basic manners to tell her that you’re too busy to talk when you’re the one that suggested a conversation in the first place.
4. You’re arrogant and conceited and selfish for giving her the runaround in the first place.
5. You’re an idiot because she’s way out of your league and you’re going to lose out on something that you probably don’t even deserve.

She will not be contacting you again because she has realized she has better things to do with her life than wait around for some guy whose head is shoved so far up his gimpy ass that he can’t grab onto a hottie like her instead of lunging for the baby oil.

Finally, in order to preserve our collective dignity, I will not be sending this email on her behalf because she doesn’t need any extra attention from a loser like you.

Respectfully
EB