Monday, March 5, 2007

His snoring sounds like a musical symphony

Okay, not quite, and I am grateful every night when I go to sleep alone that I don't have to share my bed or my bathroom with a stinky man... yet.

Is it possible to be happy and terrified at the same time? I'm too incoherent to express myself properly but I still think this is right for me. But I'm also scared to let myself hope that it is really real. That it's actually going to happen. That things will work out. I'm not ready to let myself dream yet. Is that such a terrible thing? To want to protect myself? I guess, maybe not, since we are still at such an early stage. He keeps saying he is sure that this is what he wants. I asked him today if he was sure. He said he was more sure than he had ever been. I want so badly to believe him that it's terrifying. He has more reason than I do to be scared after the way I treated him in the past. But he's willing to take the risk. And, I guess, so am I. I'm still scared though. That same feeling as jumping off a 20' high rock into the Ottawa River when I was white water rafting. That momentary sense of "!" as I leaned face forward out of the plane with a man strapped to my back before jumping out. Not quite the paralysing terror of white water kayaking when I was convinced I was going to die and realized I wasn't prepared to go.

My Valentine messaged me today. It was a bit strange. He wanted to know if I still wanted to be friends with him. I'm not sure why he would think otherwise. I hope that he'll come back. I was reminded again today of how much younger he is and how Vicky had warned me just over a year ago not to have any expectations of him. She was right. It's a good thing that he left me to fend for myself in my week of need just before my trip otherwise things might have turned out very differently. I might not have realized how much I needed someone in my life to look out for me when I'm unable to do it myself. I might not have recognized that in B. Might even have thought I already had what I was looking for. And I want for him to do the same for me.

It's crazy how the Universe works sometimes. I'm tired and my back hurts. I'm way overdue for bed but I was waiting until I was sure B was sound asleep in his bed before I hung up on the call. Unfortunately it woke him up but hopefully he's asleep again by now. I want to cuddle him and take care of him and tell him that everything will be okay.

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