Life lessons

I had the lovely lady grad students over for fondue tonight and now I'm too tired to do anything except mention that it was a nice evening. I have a vat of chocolate fondue leftover though so I suspect fondue redux will ensue.

I learned a life lesson earlier this week and I would like to share it. I'm paraphrasing from Criminal Minds.

it does get easier and, one day, you remember and it doesn't hurt anymore... and you're happy.

Of all places, I realized that in Superstore when I walked by the Cadbury creme egg display.

Several years ago, at Easter, I set up a little Easter Egg hunt for X. He loved those little creme eggs and I must have hidden a dozen of them around our apartment. He found most of them immediately but some he didn't find until summer. It was nice for me that he was so excited at the time, and continued to find nice little surprises months after we had both forgotten about creme eggs.

When I walked past the display, I smiled and laughed a little. I texted him to ask if he remembered. I didn't hear back but that's okay. It was nice to have an unexpected, happy NSA memory of a past relationship.

Saudade

Alexandreena asked me what was Chapter 7 in the book "He's Just Not That Into You".

It occurs to me I have never blogged in detail about my break up with X. Perhaps just to maintain some anonymity but there is now so much detailed information on here that if any of my friends find this blog, they'll know it's me. So without further ado...

Chapter 7 is called "he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you".

The subtitle for the chapter is "Love cures commitment-phobia". Given that X is now engaged, as much as I have trouble believing in "love", I have a feeling it may be true. For men, anyway.

This book was life-changing. I read it just after we broke up and, not that I needed the justification for ending our relationship, but it did provide me with some extra self-confidence for having made the right decision.

We broke up on Labour Day 2004. I had given him an ultimatum. Propose or I will move on. When I had moved from Toronto to Vancouver in 2003, we had already broken up once. Labour Day 2002. He had flown back from Vancouver and we spent the weekend with friends at a rented cottage. He had been living on the west coast since 2001, earlier if you count co-op terms. And I was getting tired of the long-distance relationship. I wanted to be with him but I was reluctant to move out there without a job and rely on him financially. If he changed his mind, I'd be screwed. And I figured, after 5 years of dating, if he wasn't ready to propose, then we were wasting our time.

We broke up that long weekend and he called me every day for weeks begging me to reconsider. I did. I requested a transfer to BC. And I got it. Because I'm that good. Seriously though, I wanted to get my own place. To take the pressure off our relationship. To build my own social circle and life. But he said not. He wanted us to live together, to save up for a down payment. He said he would propose after a year. Looking back on it, I was both feet in and he was one foot out.

I waited a year. Our anniversary came and went. My birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's. In the spring of 2004, we went to Mexico together. By that time, our relationship had become mostly platonic. I had intended to go by myself because he went to Vegas the week before. But he wanted to go and offered to pay for the trip if I waited for him. How is a girl going to turn that down? We had fun. Relaxed and snorkeled and ate and drank. When I got sunstroke on our last day there, I made him go to dinner by himself. Why should he miss out on the best seafood restaurant at the resort just because I was sick? I certainly wouldn't have. He said "oh that's too bad, I was going to propose tonight." I laughed and said "that's not funny!" Yeah, we were that couple.

He had joked around at other times too. Saying it would come when I was least expecting it. Like when I was sitting on the toilet and had run out of paper. He would hold me hostage and exchange my hand for a roll of toilet paper. That way I couldn't say no. But when it came time to looking at houses, he was borderline panicked about what we could and couldn't afford. He wouldn't even go to open houses. I think that was when I started to realize we might not have a happy ending. Hence the ultimatum.

In the summer of 2004, I was working in north coastal BC and had been rotating up there for several weeks. I was promoted as a result of taking on the position at short notice and I was rapidly learning that I was far more capable than I had ever dreamed. I was managing people, responding quickly to requests for work and information, liaising with government officials and dealing with irascible men who I knew pictured me naked often. The ones that didn't treated me like the daughter they never had. It was an eye-opening project for me. Of course, it took a toll on my personal life but I was 26 and ready to be "successful" at any cost. And it was fun. I enjoyed the challenges of living and working "up north", away from the resources of big city and home office.

And, the men were men. If I needed a platform built, I just had to turn around and a carpenter was sawing and nailing pieces of plywood. If I needed a sampling utensil, the metal worker was soldering an aluminium can to a long narrow stainless steel handle. If I needed something shipped to Vancouver overnight, the site manager was placing a call to Air Canada cargo and instructing one of his guys to load the coolers in the van and drive. Things got done. Not always quickly or with a minimum of political fuss. But they got done. I was slowly realizing that the same could never be said for X. I'm not sure when I realized that he was never going to be the man I needed him to be.

He flew up to see me for the long weekend. It required not-so-gentle persuasion on my part. That I was off for the weekend, that I had a rental car, that he could stay with me in the rented house. That we'd be alone and that I wouldn't get unexpectedly called into work. We drove to Alaska. It was probably the best road trip we have ever been on.

Wait, it might have been the only road trip we have ever been on. We stayed in Stewart overnight and then drove through Hyder to the old abandoned mines the following day. He told me later that he was going to put the ring in his belly button when he was lying in bed but then changed his mind. He has a phobia of people touching his belly button.

If you drive north from Hyder, you won't be disappointed. There are mountains and glaciers and rock falls. You will need 4 Wheel Drive, even in the summer. Labour Day long weekend was chilly enough for layers. It was really a beautiful drive. We stopped countless times to take photos and just look around. There was nobody around for miles. We finally stopped at an old mine site about 2 hours up the track. I was happy, we were both happy. It was beautiful and breathtaking. We took lots of photos. One of him standing in front of the mine entrance.

One of me jumping up in the air with the glaciers in the background.

Okay fine, I'm not actually in that one but I don't have the photoshop skills to edit myself out of a photo.

I knew this was it. This was the highlight of our trip.

After this, it was all downhill. Literally. We were just going back the way we came.

He said "so, do you want your ring now?"

I told him I wasn't sure what he was asking me. "Well, I didn't have time to buy you the ring I wanted". Never mind that I had been to Spence Diamonds, picked out a ring, given him the jeweler's business card. "I'll only give it to you if you promise not to show it to anyone else".

"You know, this isn't very romantic."
"Yeah, you're right. I'll stop."

Then he had to pee on the glacier. Because boys have to pee on glaciers, right?

I felt deflated. A little in shock. I wanted to say, as we were driving away, "are you sure there isn't something you want to say to me?" But I said nothing. The drive back to Stewart was very quiet. He told me later that he was totally freaked out by the drive back. The chasm that dropped away to nothing on his right hand side. It reminded him of family vacations in northern Ontario when he spent the entire drive thinking he was going to die. When I asked him why he didn't say anything, he had no explanation. I would have let him drive.

We drove for several hours before he said anything. After 7 years, you get comfortable with silence. Eventually he said, "sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do." It was so clear to me then that this was never going to happen for us. That he didn't want to be with me. That he wasn't ever going to be ready to marry me. That, even though it was important to me to declare to the world that we were ready to move forward with our lives, all the things he said he wanted too, a house, a puppy, a garden, he wasn't actually ready for. At least, not with me. And when I try to remember, I don't think I ever heard the words "I want to marry you" come out of his mouth.

He tried to propose again. We stopped at a provincial park overlooking the Skeena River. I burst into tears. It wasn't how I pictured it. His proposing out of desperation. I told him not to make it harder for both of us. He held me and cried with me.

He slept on the couch that night. I could hear him crying through my own heartbroken tears. I moved out when I got home from that rotation. His friends told him I was only doing it to get attention. I had hoped he would want to fix things when I got home. He didn't even try. When I signed a lease and started packing, he told me that he didn't want me to go. He cried. When I finally moved out, he said "I'll miss your car."

Yeah, I know.

We stayed friends. For over a year, we hung out together, had dinner together almost every day, socialized together, talked on the phone at least once during the work day, were constantly on MSN. He recorded Oprah for me and I watched it while doing laundry at his place when he was out playing basketball or soccer.

Oh that's another thing. Less than 6 months after we broke up, he bought a condo for roughly the amount that we were planning to spend on a house. So much for his financial fears. I even found the ring and the receipt later. It was under $50. Which would have been fine if he had proposed properly. I wouldn't have let him buy me a "real" ring. If he had said "I love you, will you marry me?", I would be wearing that ring today.

He also started playing the guitar and being more adventurous with his cooking. It was like he was finally free to figure out who he really was. It took him two years to admit that he was afraid to talk to me. Afraid of change. That, if I hadn't bailed on the relationship, that we would still be stuck in unhappy.

His mother told me once that X develops obsessions with things. The Blue Jays, Wrestling, Star Wars, Pearl Jam. They would last for years. Approximately 7. When we were 21, I told him that he couldn't break up with me after I turned 27 because then I would be an old maid. After we broke up, my mother reminded me of this. I was still 26 when we broke up. My birthday is in November. It has lasted just under 7 years. My parents no longer pressure me about marriage and kids. I think it has become taboo. Now, I doubt I will ever get married. Certainly, I believe it's overrated. Relationships end.

I thought I was moving on as quickly as I knew how. Turns out it has taken years to get over him. All those other guys that came right after were just me punishing myself for not being good enough. Maybe I'm still doing that.

Maybe I'm not in love with Grey. Maybe he just makes me feel alive when he's bad to me. Because the only feeling I've become comfortable with is pain. Happiness inevitably leads to disappointment.

I just remembered, we did go on one other road trip. We went to the Okanagan Valley over the Victoria Day weekend in 2006. He had already started dating his now-fiancee but he didn't tell her he was going with me. He tagged along at the last minute, which is so typical of his bandwagon-jumping style. I let him come on one condition. That he would drive when I wanted to have a glass of wine at dinner. We had a really great time. A relaxing, platonic, argument-free time. That was the best road trip we have ever been on. I miss his friendship but I know I will never get that back. There's a word for this in portuguese. Saudade. Sadness for happy memories.

But I'd rather be alone than be with a man that needs to be told to drive.

Gone

Small dogs leave big voids. I just talked to X and his mother. They put the dog down this afternoon. She was suffering and it was her time to go. I would like to believe in reincarnation. Or at the very least, she is chasing squirrels in the sky. But I wasn't ready and I can't believe she is actually gone. I need a hug.

Green shoes

I have got to stop shopping. I went to the mall today to pick up these shoes that I ordered. I first saw them in the US when I was at Nordstrom for $59.99 and that was out of my budget for green shoes. Hell, it was out of my budget for any shoes. So, when I saw them here, I decided I had to at least try them on again. They didn't have my size so I had to wait for them to be shipped from a different mall. When they finally arrived today, there was a black mark on the right shoe. And that shoe had clearly been on the floor for some time because it was more than a little dirty. But it was the only pair left in 7.5 anywhere in the country. So the manager let me have them for $39.99. Not bad, I think.

I also bought myself an inflating air pad at Costco for $34.99, a sleeping bag from Canadian Tire for $8 (I know!) and a dress and two tops (blue and brown, I have it in pink already) from Mexx because everything in the store was 50% off. I'm most annoyed about having to replace my toothpaste. My guests accidentally packed mine so they bought me a tube to replace it. However, they bought the wrong kind. They also bought me some Dove soap. It is scented and I only use unscented. I'm not sure what to do with it. It hardly makes an appropriate regift. Maybe I'll take it to the gym.

Anyway, I get to meet a new client tomorrow. I'm very excited about this work. And not just because it's the same company that Grey works for and I might end up training him. How crazy would that be? So, off to bed. I'm still under the weather and tomorrow is not going to be pretty.

Update: I still haven't made it to bed almost 2 hours later. I just talked to X for half an hour about relationships and how all the married people I know are fucking miserable. I'm not 100% sure what the reason was for his call. Perhaps to tell me the dates he and the fiancee will be in Ontario in August. Oh wait, I remember now. It was to tell me that his parents almost put down their dear old dog this weekend. That made me cry.

Solo date night

I went to the movies alone today. Me. Alone. It was not as scary as I thought it would be. It was scary trying to talk myself into it, and originally I hadn't planned to go alone. I sent an email to Big Mac and Grey and the guy who wrote Mr Rebound and a couple of girlfriends. But, of course, everyone was busy. I was on the phone until the very last minute and then I had to rush to get out of the house and get to theatre with enough time to get the kid's pack of popcorn and see the trailers. Once I was out of the house, it was just like any other day walking around campus on my way to meet someone or run errands. Who knew it could be so easy? As an aside, the kid's pack is the perfect size for me. A small bag of popcorn, a small pop and a small packet of twizzlers. They should almost call it the Singles Pack.

It turned out that I was plenty early and/or the movie started really late. Probably the most uncomfortable part was sitting by myself in the centre of the second highest row (my preferred theatre seating because that places me in the centre of the screen) waiting for the movie to start and watching couples and groups of friends pile in. It wasn't busy so that helped but there weren't even ads to keep my brain occupied. I ended up texting Grey and X that I was at the movies by myself.

X was proud of me, I think. He had gone to see Indiana Jones and didn't like it and Grey was at home, naturally. I saw Made of Honour first. I'm not a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy but McDreamy really is dreamy. Patrick Dempsey did nothing for me before the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. But now I think I'm in gusty stomach-sighing lust with that man.

The second movie was easier because I had to rush to get to the bathroom and get a seat and missed most of the trailers. But, given they were both girly movies, they probably had all the same trailers. Usually by the time I'm done watching all the trailers, I've forgotten what I came to see. The second movie was Baby Mamma. It wasn't quite as funny as I expected it to be but I did enjoy it. Tina Fey can blend well-timed comedy with sincerity and realistic Oh Crap moments. I should watch her other movies.

I think the most exciting part of the evening was the trailer for Mamma Mia. I have been waiting my entire life to see Colin Firth and Pierce Brosnan in a movie together and it's happening this summer! That movie could be a giant pile of crap but I'm already planning to buy the DVD. Those two are in my top three. I may have to replace Mike Holmes with Patrick Dempsey as my third.

I think I'll go watch the second half of Pride and Prejudice before bed. Sigh.

First wedding of the year

Lesson learned tonight: Don't wear Spanx to a Chinese banquet. Also, how come some brides get to wear two wedding dresses? Two! I probably won't even get to wear one. I can understand wanting to wear white and also a traditional outfit but I don't really understand wearing one white dress to the ceremony and a second to the reception. It seems a bit excessive to me but what the hell do I know?

I had a relatively good time this evening but it was a long, drawn out affair. It took almost 5 hours to get from cocktails to cake. I even had far too much to drink but was sober hours before it was time to drive home. The bonbonnieres were good though. Mints and lip balm and hand lotion and "love blooms". I guess you plant the seeds and they bloom. I get the significance but I think it's completely cheesy.

I can't decide how I feel about love and marriage and weddings anymore. Friday evening and this morning with Grey were nice. We watched tv and had dinner and talked and had sex. He let me watch 27 Dresses this morning which was surprisingly funny and cute. Last night, X called me some time after Grey passed out while I was watching Law and Order. He was in Kelowna for the weekend and thought of me. Two years ago to the day, we took our very last road trip to the Okanagan. We hit a whole bunch of wineries and provincial parks. Hiked and sat on the beach and had a really great time. It was nice that he thought of me. I just wish it hadn't been quite so late and I hadn't been sitting next to a sleeping Grey. I couldn't really talk. But it was nice to get the phone call anyway.

Anyway, I need to get my make up off and go to bed. Another long lab day tomorrow. Hopefully the weather cooperates. I could use another rainy day.

Apparently Tuesdays are also painful

I started my 24 hour experiment today. The centrifuge tubes haven't arrived but my awesome supervisor cut my workload down by about 70% so I'm trying to keep the bitching to a minimum. I spent 15 hours in the lab today and just walked in the door. I have to be back there in 6 hours so I had better go to sleep. I have to collect samples at 8 hours, 16 hours and 24 hours so tomorrow is going to be another long day. I can't decide if I should collect 15 mL in one centrifuge tube and then pipette 5 mL into test tubes as I need it or just collect 5 mL in three centrifuge tubes. Issues include test tube availability and fridge/freezer storage space. I think I'm going to do the latter as I HATE washing glassware. Did I mention that washing glassware is the bane of my graduate experience? I left dirty glassware in the lab tonight. Shocking, I know. I'm just very tired. Dead on my feet, in fact. And my left shoulder is so sore that, as I type this, my head is tipped over so that my right ear is almost touching my right shoulder. I probably look like a freak. Pardon the political incorrectness but one of the new undergrad lab assistants appears to have Tourettes. It's distracting.

Oh yes, I also talked to X today while I was labeling erlenmeyer flasks. We had a pretty good catch-up session. We decided he shouldn't bother inviting me to his wedding given that his ideal situation is that he would invite me and I would decline. I figured they would feel that way. So why waste an invitation and postage? It's just easier this way. No drama, no fuss, no further discussion.

Unblocked

Also, I unblocked and added X to my MSN today. Why can't I say no to either of these men?

Still okay

X called me almost immediately after I sent that email. He sounded so heartbroken that I couldn't find it in my heart to do anything but forgive him. So, while I consider our friendship effectively terminated, he still thinks we're friends.

I half-jokingly wonder whether I should talk to him more often not less. When he called, I was reminded of the reasons that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He's not very evolved, is lacking in self-analysis and is still selfish. Recent relationships have made me second guess my decision but I know now, again, that I made the right one.

I still need to work on my self-esteem. I still believe I'm stupid, fat and ugly. I still think I'm unlovable. I still hate myself most of the time. I still berate and punish myself and can't figure out how to break out of that. It's a good thing I can fake self-confidence otherwise I probably wouldn't have any friends. Maybe when I figure out how to feel good about myself, I'll stop feeling so lonely.

Apparently I just needed a nap

A friend phoned and woke me up from my couch nap. And I'm feeling more normal now. I sent X an email terminating our friendship and I think it was the right decision. Here is the email.

X

I'm feeling a bit more normal this morning. I talked to (two girlfriends, names removed) and I have finally come to the realization that our friendship (yours and mine, not mine and theirs) was over a long time ago but I just never realized it.

I really thought that you had grown up in the last few years and most of my regret stemmed from the fact that I didn't try hard enough or give it long enough. Perhaps if I had waited longer for you, or if your dad had been diagnosed sooner, I would have all the things that I thought I wanted. Now I realize that you are not the person I thought you were. So the things I thought I wanted (to grow old with you, a happy family, a place to call home) with you would never have become reality.

While I understand that you are happy and excited, your email last night was selfish especially considering the fact you told me that you wouldn't propose to (the gf) while I was still at school. Perhaps it was naive and stupid of me to believe you would stick to that. Did you take a moment to consider the consequences of your actions? Did it even occur to you that I would still be awake and that I would have nobody to turn to because it was 2 am? I want to believe that you didn't picture me sitting here in front of my computer with huge teardrops splashing onto my desk and wracked with sobs that only my mother has previously been able to induce. But, especially in the last 2 years, you have taken more from me than you have given back. I can see that clearly now. So I don't think that there is anything left here to sustain our friendship. I think that I wanted to believe we could still rely on each other. When I left Vancouver, driving away from you was the hardest thing I had ever done.

Knowing you as well as I do, I hope that you as an individual and a man will be happy with the path you have chosen and you are not choosing it out of fear over what happened to your father only a year ago. I would still like to maintain some contact with C and your parents, but if you'd prefer not, just say the word and I'll cut those cords too.

I don't think there is anything left for us to talk about. I'm here if you need me, which is what I would say to any friend, but I don't think that you do need me any more, if indeed you ever did. I hope that you never will need me for anything. I mean that sincerely. I hope that you can find everything you ever wanted and needed with (the gf) and your family.

Unlovable

X proposed to his girlfriend and she accepted. I'm really not okay. He emailed me to tell me and frankly, I resent him for sending it at 2 am when I can't call anyone to help get me through this. I have never felt so small or so alone.

Split

Why do relationships have to end? Especially the ones that have gone on longer than a decade? I understand that people change, they grow apart, communication breaks down and everything becomes unbearable. I've been there. But why do other people have to go through it? And why do I have to go through it again by extension?

I don't know any details of the recent split. I haven't talked to either half at length but I am having dinner with him on Wednesday. I was supposed to go out with her tonight but he decided that he couldn't take care of their son so she had to cancel.

Without knowing the circumstances, I think they're making a huge mistake. Perhaps that is just me projecting my own regrets. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had tried harder to make it work with X. I wish that we had had the tools then to communicate better and find common ground. But then, if we hadn't split, I wouldn't have learned all the things I did in the past 4 years. Communication skills. How not to care so much. To diagnose my own moodiness and emotional roller coasters. That you have to be happy within yourself before someone else can make you happy. Before you can make someone else happy. And, of course, how to enjoy sex. I would never have met Grey. I would have continued to think that love doesn't exist.

I know that this won't be the last break up in our group and that thought makes my stomach hurt. I wish my friends would stop taking for granted what they have right now. I wish they would appreciate their partners more. I wish they would learn to communicate and be tolerant and not judgmental. I wish they would learn to express happiness when they see their partner. I wish the arguments and tension would stop.

Maybe endings are inevitable.

Two can be as bad as one

I started writing a comment on soveryalone.com today. That format wasn't appropriate for me to completely elaborate my thoughts so I thought I would continue here.

I think a tendency to loneliness might be an inherent character trait. It's not the same as always being negative when you can choose to be positive. I'm lonely because of the circumstances of my life. I can choose to be more social, to date, to go out and make friends and I do all of those things. But, as I've said before, it's possible to be surrounded by people and still feel like you're alone. There are people like X who can be happy alone, who don't miss their loved ones with overwhelming sadness simply because their loved ones exist and are out there loving them and missing them as well. I am slowly starting to understand that feeling. Of being alone in the Universe but not overwhelmed by sadness. Driving across Canada alone was one of the best experiences of my life. Maybe I'm just becoming secure in my loneliness. After all, I can't imagine sharing my space anymore.

I have learned that craving human company doesn't make you weak or pathetic. I'm lonely because I have no family nearby and I always spend Sundays alone as a result. That's not really my fault so I don't blame myself for wishing that I wasn't alone. That doesn't make the emptiness and aching any easier to bear. It's hard to be an independent woman. There are moments I wish someone would take care of me, make decisions for me, so that I can stop and sit still in silence. I know, that's so anti-feminist but I'm tired of being alone all the time.

I wrote this around New Years but didn't post it.

Do you wonder sometimes if you have adapted your routines and behaviors to help you ignore all of the crap that you should be dealing with and can't bring yourself to face? I find that, if I'm exhausted at the end of the day, I can fall asleep without thinking about all of the things that really bother me. The things that should upset me but that I choose to ignore. Because it's just easier to ignore the hole in my soul.

When I'm not exhausted, I try to overstimulate myself by reading the news online, calling a friend, doing some work. And then, before I know it, it's 3 am and my eyes are about to fall out of my head and I'm ready to drop. Then I wake up and do it all over again. Avoidance. Denial. Fear.

Once in a while, like right now, I have a moment of clarity. I realize what I'm doing to myself. I think that perhaps I deserve to be happy, to have a peaceful moment when I'm not torturing myself with reminders of everything that is wrong with me. Perhaps I deserve to just sit still and accept that I'm a decent human being. Usually when that happens, I start to write. I'm never sure if the words will make sense in the morning but at least they're here at my finger tips. Right now, I'm a little bit cold. Sitting in front of my monitor in the living room. Looking out the window. It's foggy and still snowing a little. There's snow on the ground but there's no-one in the street. The trees are silhouetted against the yellow street lamps and one solitary set of Christmas lights.

I know I deserve to be okay but I'm not sure how to get there. I've pushed myself so hard that I don't know how to back down. So when things go wrong, I blame myself. Because I made myself what I am, I got here because of the decisions I made. I am the only one to blame. The only one who can fix what is wrong. Those things outside of my control, I can't do anything about those things except punish myself for not doing better. For not seeing them coming and acting accordingly to avoid them. Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement. It's so hard to forgive the bad decisions.

I need to go to sleep but I can't. I'm not capable of dealing with all of the garbage that needs to be set aside in order for the stillness to settle in. And if my mind is not quiet, sleep will not come. I can't relax. I can't unwind. I can't forget. I can't forgive. Myself.

There's a New Years Resolution in here somewhere but it's elusive. Maybe 8 will be my lucky number.

A couple of years ago, when I was lonely and my nerves would tingle from lack of physical contact with another living being, it was more of an abstract longing. I wanted something to fill the void but I didn't know what that was. Now that I have met Grey, I want his company, his touch, his presence. And I'd rather be alone than settle for the company of some random guy. He might be a great random guy but, if he doesn't make me feel great, at this point, I would rather be alone.

Humpy Halloween

How can it only be Wednesday night?? This week is taking forever to end. And not just because I'm turning 30 on Saturday and can't wait :) My last post should have been called "Weekend High". I must be losing it.

He finally asked about X today. Today I was over at X's parents house. Drove his mother home from the hospital and then put up her Halloween decorations while she made dinner. X and I manned the door while she ate and sat with the dog who is 13.5 years old and may not have another Halloween. Mr. X is in the hospital having his bone marrow replaced. He should have been home already but he has a Clostridium difficile infection and is in isolation. They won't let him come home until he has been diarrhea-free for 48 hours. Mrs. X is so strong and matter-of-fact that I have no idea how she copes. I hope I never have to be in her shoes. Perhaps she is stubborn and has a one-track mind. Perhaps she understands that she can't change anything so she just has to manage. Perhaps she cries herself to sleep every night. I would. I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for that family.

I'm not sure what I'll tell the mysterious guy about X. That he treats me more like his little sister than his ex. That I broke up with him because he was never going to be the man I needed in my life. That I'm not attracted to him anymore and haven't been for years. That usually, when we spend time together, I realize I'm better off alone than spending the rest of my life with him. That I still believe, if I'm not good enough for him, maybe I'm not good enough for anyone? I don't know. I guess I'll figure that out when we talk tomorrow.

As for Halloween, I'm glad that it happened, even if it was a bit stressful. We had one little blue princess who took one look at the dog and started yelling "Doggie! DOGGIE!" at the top of her lungs. Fortunately, Mrs. X was holding her (the dog, not the princess) so a near disaster was averted. And then, after X gave her the standard ration of two chocolate bars, she reached into the box and took another one! We all laughed but my nerves were a bit on edge. I can only imagine how the poor dog must have felt. I think the little blue princess had dipped into her candy stash a bit early!

I'm tired. My tummy hurts. I just want to go to bed but I don't think sleep will come easily tonight. I wish I was with the mysterious guy instead of being home alone but I have an early lab day tomorrow and it's better this way.

Back

I'm back. The daily grind has been more hectic than anything else.

Two Fridays ago, I wrote my last exam ever, I think. I hope I don't do something crazy and actually enrol in any more courses next year. I was excited to take all of these courses but I have to say that I have been disappointed by the level of teaching at this university. Two of the five courses have been enjoyable. That is to say, stimulating and challenging and rewarding. Three have been stressful for no reason other than the professor was a tyrannical grumpus. Oh, it's just occurring to me that I have enjoyed the courses taught by female professors but not by male professors. Hmm...

I am supposed to be starting on my thesis proposal but I just can't seem to motivate myself. The weather has turned all nice and sunny. I'm appreciative of this. Normally I would wish it to be cold and grey and rainy but I'm enjoying the heat and the light. Damn this province. I need to get away from here quickly. I was sick when I wrote that exam and the cough won't go away. I've been taking cough syrup with codeine but I think that that one little teaspoon taken at night makes me groggy and lethargic for 24 hours. I didn't take it last night but I did sleep a lot today. I also got my period two weeks early. Just after B left, there was a clot of very red blood, about the size of a my fingernail. I don't want to think about what it might have been. I have been very unproductive for over a week now.

I have a week left to do my taxes. I hate taxes. I am having dim sum tomorrow morning so that may motivate me to come home and be productive. It's unlikely but you never know. I suppose I could always nap away the afternoon.

Monday afternoon I am driving X's parents home from the hospital. X's dad will be having his second radiation treatment. I have never seen anyone after a radiation treatment and I'm worried how he will look and feel and my reaction to that and also whether or not he will be uncomfortable squashed into my small car. Perhaps that is trivial but there will be the usual QEW traffic so the drive home could be an hour if not more, even though the distance is a scant 25 km or less.

Tuesday I think I will go into the office to check out my new cubicle. I'm very excited about this even though I only plan to be in the office one day a week, if that. If it's a window, I might consider going in on weekends. Too bad the office is so far away. Rather, too bad gas is so damn expensive. Anyway, I'll deal with that later.

I'm going to the Bahamas again in 25 days. B's best friend is getting married and they invited me to the wedding. B said that this was an important enough event that he wants me to be there so he paid for the flight and I'll pay him back when I get down there. I'm excited and nervous and distracted. I'm looking forward to it, I think.

He was very good to me while he was here. He bought me a ring and a new pair of Skechers and paid for groceries for the party and bought me my new shiny Brita filter. He took me out to breakfast and lunch and dinner. He cuddled and caressed and cooked. He stayed out of my way when I was studying and quietly let me sleep in. And I was a complete and total raving bitch. I was sleep-deprived and stressed and awful to him. I was anxious to be gone when I dropped him off at the airport so that I could finish my paper and start studying. I was happy to have my bed back with my clean 983742 thread count sheets and all my pillows to myself. I eradicated all traces of boy from the apartment the weekend after he left. Perhaps I don't deserve him.

Things have been a bit rough with us. I guess I'll be honest here because it's my blog and because nobody is reading it. I'm not sure if I can go through with this. I want to but I'm not sure if I love him. I have told him that I do. I know, it's an awful thing to confess. But he wanted to hear it, he needed to hear it, so I said it. But I don't even know what it means to love anymore. And I'm beginning to think that I never knew what it meant. I think about X sometimes and I wonder if we loved each other. Sometimes I still cry when I think about him and I regret what happened. I miss him. I know now that I pushed him away and everything fell apart because he didn't have the strength or the desire to resist. Perhaps it was the right decision but I'm not sure if I will ever be convinced of that and I don't think that I will ever get over it.

I think about my Valentine and how I almost believed that he was strong enough to be my man. But he wasn't. He left like all the rest. When I pushed him away. After weeks and months of being a terrible person. I miss him too. The way he always knew how to make me laugh. The way that he would call me on it when I was full of shit. The way that he wanted to be good at salsa dancing so that he could show me off and show off to me. The way that he said, "come on, you can talk to me."

And I push B away. Hard. And often. I can't figure out if I'm sabotaging this, as I do with everything. Or maybe in my soul I don't feel that this is right and that's why I push him away. I argue with him over trivial matters. Sometimes it even seems trivial at the time but I can't let it go. The way that he communicates. The insensitive things that he says. And I'm unable to distinguish the things that trigger my emotions and separate out what is rational and logical from the irrational and emotional. It's unfair to him but I don't know how to change my responses and my reactions.

I know that I push. I push hard and I'm not a nice person. So far he has said that he wants to work on it, that he knows that it won't be easy, that he won't let me go, that I'm stuck with him. Is that what I want? What I need? Am I that kind of woman? I think so. I want him to hold on and not let go while I push and struggle and scream and cry. I want him to break through to the other side. I need him to prove to me that this is what he really wants. And that's the only way I think I will believe that he's sincere.

I know, it's a terrible thing. I don't know what happened in my past to make me this person. I want to be a different person. I want to be nice and sweet and sensitive and caring and generous. I want to love myself the way that he clearly loves me but I don't know how. I wonder, until I can love myself, how can I love anyone else? And I think, how can I expect anyone else to love me, if I can't love myself? Is this the ultimate vicious cycle?

Blarg

Presentation: not-so-great
Next meeting not for a month: good
Evening spent with Piglet's mom: just what I needed
Conversation with B: frustrating
Email from X re his dad's reaction to the card I wrote to his mother: made me cry. His mother liked it but it made his dad cry.
Sinuses: phlegmy
General feeling tonight: exhausted, crunched for time, unable to help where I want to the most, lonely.

I am responsible for my feelings. I am going to bed. Things will be better when I wake up in 8 hours. If only because I will be less exhausted.

Can't sleep for worrying

One of our friends insisted on picking up X at the airport. Let's call this friend John. John has always been somewhat pushy and insensitive. But I can never stay mad at him. So I'm sitting here stewing that he has taken away the one thing I could have done to help X right now. I doubt I'll ever tell him that. Instead, I'll just meet them at the airport, give X a hug and send a card home to his mother so that she knows I'm thinking of them everyday. Like now, when I should be lying in bed imagining B spooning me to help me fall asleep. Instead I think of X's dad, lying in that hospital room with a bedpan, unable to sit up, disoriented with a long battle of chemo and physio and dependency ahead. It just breaks my heart.

This the card I just wrote to X's mother...

I've never been very good at articulating myself so I just wanted to write you this quick card to tell you that, even though I have never officially been part of your family, all of you have always meant a great deal to me, sometimes even more than my own family. I don't think I have ever told you that I never understand the importance of family until I spent my first Thanksgiving at your house. So, even if I'm not around or able to actually help, I'll be here thinking and worrying and waiting and hoping right along with you.

Shitty

Wow, I have not done anything today.

When I came home from yoga class, the fire alarm started to go off. That was probably a good 20 minutes worth of irritating klaxoning while I tried to eat lunch and read my book. I didn't notice my cell phone beeping at me until almost 2 pm. X's mom had called. I was sort of waiting for this call all week. I knew that something had happened earlier in the week when I read the former-would-be-sister-in-law's blog entry from Friday. They live in another city but were in town this weekend. Last time that happened, X's dad had to go to hospital for severe back pain. Anyway, in her blog entry she said that she had a minor meltdown. She's going through her own struggle with cancer so I thought that something must have happened related to X's dad but I wasn't expecting news this significant.

He was hospitalized over the weekend for emergency surgery due to extreme pain and loss of mobility and they found tumours. I think X is flying home on Tuesday so I'll feel better when he's here. So will his mother, obviously. His dad is still in hospital, actually very close by to my place. But I just have to sit here and wait. I hate that. I just want get up and do something to make it go away. I hate worrying about things that are out of my control. Those are really the only things that I worry about anyway, ever since my anxiety journal cured me of worrying about things I could control. I should at least stop listening to music in minor keys.

I want to jump off my chair, run to the car and drive over there. Where I don't know. The hospital to wait while she visits? To the house to help look after the dog? I have no idea. I guess there really isn't anything I can do except to correspond over email and wait for X to come home. As I sit here trying to plough through journal article after journal article, my thoughts drift away and I find myself imagining worst case scenarios. This time of day doesn't help either. As the sun starts to set and it gets dark in my apartment.

I'm alone. I've known loneliness my whole life and in the last few years, I have come to understand and embrace the fact that we are all truly alone. But I love his family more than I love my own family. His mother must be devastated. I would be. And when B made a crack about dying early from overwork this afternoon, I almost screamed. Why is this happening? Why can't I fix it?