Thursday, April 17, 2008

Apparently I just needed a nap

A friend phoned and woke me up from my couch nap. And I'm feeling more normal now. I sent X an email terminating our friendship and I think it was the right decision. Here is the email.


I'm feeling a bit more normal this morning. I talked to (two girlfriends, names removed) and I have finally come to the realization that our friendship (yours and mine, not mine and theirs) was over a long time ago but I just never realized it.

I really thought that you had grown up in the last few years and most of my regret stemmed from the fact that I didn't try hard enough or give it long enough. Perhaps if I had waited longer for you, or if your dad had been diagnosed sooner, I would have all the things that I thought I wanted. Now I realize that you are not the person I thought you were. So the things I thought I wanted (to grow old with you, a happy family, a place to call home) with you would never have become reality.

While I understand that you are happy and excited, your email last night was selfish especially considering the fact you told me that you wouldn't propose to (the gf) while I was still at school. Perhaps it was naive and stupid of me to believe you would stick to that. Did you take a moment to consider the consequences of your actions? Did it even occur to you that I would still be awake and that I would have nobody to turn to because it was 2 am? I want to believe that you didn't picture me sitting here in front of my computer with huge teardrops splashing onto my desk and wracked with sobs that only my mother has previously been able to induce. But, especially in the last 2 years, you have taken more from me than you have given back. I can see that clearly now. So I don't think that there is anything left here to sustain our friendship. I think that I wanted to believe we could still rely on each other. When I left Vancouver, driving away from you was the hardest thing I had ever done.

Knowing you as well as I do, I hope that you as an individual and a man will be happy with the path you have chosen and you are not choosing it out of fear over what happened to your father only a year ago. I would still like to maintain some contact with C and your parents, but if you'd prefer not, just say the word and I'll cut those cords too.

I don't think there is anything left for us to talk about. I'm here if you need me, which is what I would say to any friend, but I don't think that you do need me any more, if indeed you ever did. I hope that you never will need me for anything. I mean that sincerely. I hope that you can find everything you ever wanted and needed with (the gf) and your family.

1 comment:

Lara said...

I sincerely HOPE that YOU are not suicidal. No guy is worth that shit. I have a 15 year old that went through a suicidal phase (SSRI induced) that inspired me to start blogging. So, hope you can kick that friend in the ARSE and know you are better.