Like a moth to a flame

I spent last night with Grey. He called just after midnight and I was so very excited to see him. He liked my new hair cut, said it brought out my smile. He kept running his fingers through it and reaching for my hand. He was very sweet to me. We must have set a new personal record for time spent having sex. And we had sex on his balcony which was a first for both of us. I'm smiling as I type this. It was really great and I had such a good time. I think I need to backtrack because I want to remember these details.

After I sent the magnet email, he replied saying that he didn't know how to respond. That the last thing he wanted to do was mess me up and that there are a million guys out there like him and that he hoped I would find him. He also said that he was busy all week but that we would hopefully chat over the weekend.

I wasn't sure how to respond, if at all. So I didn't. Until last night. I replied "Silly rabbit, chatting was not what I had in mind! If I wanted to chat, I'd phone a girlfriend. Ah well, I guess I'll go replace the batteries ;) I don't think I can handle a million more guys like you!" I thought it was funny. Apparently so did he.

When I picked him up, he told me that the email made him laugh so he had to explain to his clients why he was laughing. At first, I started to freak out imagining what he might have said about his booty call girl. What he did say was that there was this amazing girl, beautiful, intelligent, funny... He can be so sweet when he's drunk on Scotch.

When we got to his place, I told him that I had taken the liberty of buying him new pillows because his pillows suck. They're flat and lumpy and awful. He offered to pay me for them but I said no. They were on sale for $4 which even I can swing on my grad student budget. I can't remember why he said "I love you" but I told him not to joke about that because it wasn't nice. And I reminded him that he had joked about it before and took it back. He didn't remember that so I grabbed his ass to make him feel better. I don't know if he'll remember that conversation and I don't know if I want him to. As much as I want him to be in love with me, I don't want to guilt him into feeling obligated to me for anything.

Anyway, the sex was so much fun. He really was so attentive and playful and... I can't even describe it. It was like home made apple pie. Hot, steamy, sweet, tart, chewy and a little cinnamon spicy. We laughed a lot. He even went Clerks II on me which was so freaky. I couldn't bring myself to stop him because he really seemed to be enjoying it but I didn't want to kiss him afterwards! So unhygienic. Ick. I did enjoy the ass bites though. I'm laughing at myself as I write this. At one point, he hoisted me up and I was standing on my hands - which I have never done before! - and I said, "if I had known you were going to do that, I would have practiced my yoga a bit harder". He laughed and dropped me back on the bed. We finally gave up a couple of hours later. Poor guy had been awake for 23 hours, most of which was spent on the road. I wish he wouldn't work so hard.

And this morning, we had sex again and he initiated so that was really nice. He was shy about asking me for a blow job which I thought was so cute and sweet. So I broke my "blowjobs are for boyfriends" rule. Add another one to the pile of broken promises to myself. What is it about him that I find so irresistible?

As usual, he was a jerk this morning when we were leaving and I pointed out that he's only mean when he's sober. He agreed with that. The rest of the time he was warm and affectionate and fun and funny and considerate. He's like the total package. But in an irregular size that you might find at the bottom of the bargain bin. In the right lighting and the excitement of an unexpected deal, it appears to fit but then, on closer examination after I've slept on it, just doesn't quite look right from all angles. In the cold light of day, it seems like I thought I was getting a better deal than I actually did. There's no real regret. Just a hollow, empty, feeling of chagrin that I let myself be fooled when, by now, I really should know better. And I wonder, can I still return this or should I just accept mediocrity?