Saturday, April 19, 2008

Still okay

X called me almost immediately after I sent that email. He sounded so heartbroken that I couldn't find it in my heart to do anything but forgive him. So, while I consider our friendship effectively terminated, he still thinks we're friends.

I half-jokingly wonder whether I should talk to him more often not less. When he called, I was reminded of the reasons that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He's not very evolved, is lacking in self-analysis and is still selfish. Recent relationships have made me second guess my decision but I know now, again, that I made the right one.

I still need to work on my self-esteem. I still believe I'm stupid, fat and ugly. I still think I'm unlovable. I still hate myself most of the time. I still berate and punish myself and can't figure out how to break out of that. It's a good thing I can fake self-confidence otherwise I probably wouldn't have any friends. Maybe when I figure out how to feel good about myself, I'll stop feeling so lonely.

1 comment:

el moco said...

it's a secret to everyone....