Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Statute of limitations is 5 days and counting...

I had a good day today. A's flight arrived on time and our timing was perfect so we didn't have to pay for parking. Her parents were so surprised to see her at the door although I think they were too much in shock to really react. Then our friend from high school showed up about an hour later and freaked out. She was so happy and couldn't stop hugging her. It was really great. I love surprising people, even though I hate being surprised. We ate and talked for hours until A started to fade. If only she was a man, I would marry her and live happily ever after. We decided to get married after first year university after breaking up with a pair of loser boyfriends. She's perfect. Our parents are good friends. She's educated and intelligent and pretty. We have the same values and are best friends. So we joked around about having a lesbian wedding and she decided she wanted to wear the pants. She's the husband and I'm her wife. It's great. Her father fell for it a bit, especially after she said "But Baba, you should have known I would become a lesbian. You did send me to an all girls private school for my entire education. What did you think would happen?" but her mother giggled and blew our story.

On a somewhat related note, I'm back on the online dating scene again and it's as bad, or worse, if possible than the last time I tried it back in December after I split with Grey. I'm getting lots of hits but nothing has panned out. The guys' photos are crap and the profiles are poorly written and/or boring. The ones that do seem interesting and intelligent don't follow through after I give them my alternate email address. What's up with that? Actually, I think I know what's up. I've noticed that a lot of activity occurs on Friday after work or Saturday around lunch time so I think that people are using the sites as a way to get a last minute date or a fast hook up. So I'm giving this thing until the end of day Sunday.


Just as I finished typing that, someone messaged me and we just chatted for half an hour. He has an 8 year old. I don't know if I can date someone who has a kid. Most days I feel like an 8 year old myself. I guess it's shallow and naive of me to expect to find a man my age who hasn't been married and/or doesn't have kids. I wish someone had told me that I wouldn't marry X and that dating in my 30s would be hard. I would have signed up for that arranged marriage thing.

Monday, April 28, 2008

I drive a small car

Toronto is insane. A homeless guy ran in front of my car and hopped in the back of a garbage truck. I had to yell at them to notice me driving next to them to get their attention. And then I cut in front of them and yelled at the driver to pull over and stop. Which they did. When I pulled into my driveway, they stopped at the lights and got out. The guy had run half way across the park by then. He was probably hopped up on something and looking for a free ride uptown. Crazy.

We didn't end up going to the Mod Club on Saturday night. Partly because the TTC was on strike and partly because we were talking at the bride's house til after 11 pm. We decided to walk down to the Bier Markt and the line up must have had at least 50 people standing in the freezing cold. So we sat in a dark corner of the snug bar at Fionn MacCool's and drank until everyone started yawning... about an hour later. I was home by 1 pm.

Sunday was much more productive though. I hung out with a girlfriend who is leaving her husband. We went for dim sum at Roll-San. That's where I normally go with Grey. I even had a beverage produced by his company and he was so proud of me when I sent him a text to tell him! Then we wandered around Kensington market for hours. I found some cute finger puppets for A. One is Krishna and the other is Ganesha. She'll probably have a good laugh. She's arriving tomorrow from the UK. Surprising her parents. I can't wait to see their faces when we arrive at the house. Anyway, I digress.

There is a cute little restaurant called Hibiscus on Augusta and I was so excited that they make buckwheat crepes that are dairy-free and egg-free! I haven't had a crepe in about 5 years so I had a nutella banana crepe even though we had just eaten dim sum a couple of hours prior. It was the best tasting crepe I have ever had. After that, we came back to my apartment and talked for a couple of hours. Other than the cold weather, it was a really good day.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Expanding scones in my tummy

Oh God, I ate too much and now I need to lie down but I don't have time. I have no idea what to wear and I feel too bloated to feel comfortable in my club clothes. I wish I could wear comfy walking shoes and a pink t-shirt tonight. Why can't I just channel my inner supermodel and puke? Maybe because I know how bad it is for your body. I'm going to dance it off.

High tea and Brit pop

I don't normally post about stuff I'm planning to do but I'm excited about today. The ladies are having tea in a couple of hours and there's going to be so much food! I'm baking scones and making cucumber sandwiches. Someone else is bringing Hannah desserts. I really must find out where her store is. The hostess is preparing sandwiches, mini cupcakes, cookies, cheese and chocolate fondue. And another lady is bringing strawberries. I think I need to prioritize my eating preferences so that I maximize my enjoyment. I already had a bowl of bran this morning to clear everything else out of my system. Definitely sandwiches to start so that I don't get a huge sugar rush. Then scones. Then egg-free mini cupcakes. I might pass on the cheese fondue and Hannah desserts and just have strawberries and chocolate fondue.

Then there's a bachelorette party later tonight. I don't know the girl really well but she's in my program at school and she is really great. We're meeting at her place and then going to the Mod Club on College St. It's Brit pop night tonight so I have no idea what to wear, what to expect. I probably won't even fit into my jeans after tea. Maybe I'll wear my oversize cream Guess pants. I don't really want to drink but I might have to if I'm bored with the music. The TTC is on strike which really sucks. I had hoped to take the streetcar home tonight but I'll have to take a cab instead. I'm looking at $25 with cover and cab fare to start and I'll have to buy her a drink and maybe a shot. Sigh. I really need to go back to work soon. I'm hemorrhaging money.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Like a moth to a flame

I spent last night with Grey. He called just after midnight and I was so very excited to see him. He liked my new hair cut, said it brought out my smile. He kept running his fingers through it and reaching for my hand. He was very sweet to me. We must have set a new personal record for time spent having sex. And we had sex on his balcony which was a first for both of us. I'm smiling as I type this. It was really great and I had such a good time. I think I need to backtrack because I want to remember these details.

After I sent the magnet email, he replied saying that he didn't know how to respond. That the last thing he wanted to do was mess me up and that there are a million guys out there like him and that he hoped I would find him. He also said that he was busy all week but that we would hopefully chat over the weekend.

I wasn't sure how to respond, if at all. So I didn't. Until last night. I replied "Silly rabbit, chatting was not what I had in mind! If I wanted to chat, I'd phone a girlfriend. Ah well, I guess I'll go replace the batteries ;) I don't think I can handle a million more guys like you!" I thought it was funny. Apparently so did he.

When I picked him up, he told me that the email made him laugh so he had to explain to his clients why he was laughing. At first, I started to freak out imagining what he might have said about his booty call girl. What he did say was that there was this amazing girl, beautiful, intelligent, funny... He can be so sweet when he's drunk on Scotch.

When we got to his place, I told him that I had taken the liberty of buying him new pillows because his pillows suck. They're flat and lumpy and awful. He offered to pay me for them but I said no. They were on sale for $4 which even I can swing on my grad student budget. I can't remember why he said "I love you" but I told him not to joke about that because it wasn't nice. And I reminded him that he had joked about it before and took it back. He didn't remember that so I grabbed his ass to make him feel better. I don't know if he'll remember that conversation and I don't know if I want him to. As much as I want him to be in love with me, I don't want to guilt him into feeling obligated to me for anything.

Anyway, the sex was so much fun. He really was so attentive and playful and... I can't even describe it. It was like home made apple pie. Hot, steamy, sweet, tart, chewy and a little cinnamon spicy. We laughed a lot. He even went Clerks II on me which was so freaky. I couldn't bring myself to stop him because he really seemed to be enjoying it but I didn't want to kiss him afterwards! So unhygienic. Ick. I did enjoy the ass bites though. I'm laughing at myself as I write this. At one point, he hoisted me up and I was standing on my hands - which I have never done before! - and I said, "if I had known you were going to do that, I would have practiced my yoga a bit harder". He laughed and dropped me back on the bed. We finally gave up a couple of hours later. Poor guy had been awake for 23 hours, most of which was spent on the road. I wish he wouldn't work so hard.

And this morning, we had sex again and he initiated so that was really nice. He was shy about asking me for a blow job which I thought was so cute and sweet. So I broke my "blowjobs are for boyfriends" rule. Add another one to the pile of broken promises to myself. What is it about him that I find so irresistible?

As usual, he was a jerk this morning when we were leaving and I pointed out that he's only mean when he's sober. He agreed with that. The rest of the time he was warm and affectionate and fun and funny and considerate. He's like the total package. But in an irregular size that you might find at the bottom of the bargain bin. In the right lighting and the excitement of an unexpected deal, it appears to fit but then, on closer examination after I've slept on it, just doesn't quite look right from all angles. In the cold light of day, it seems like I thought I was getting a better deal than I actually did. There's no real regret. Just a hollow, empty, feeling of chagrin that I let myself be fooled when, by now, I really should know better. And I wonder, can I still return this or should I just accept mediocrity?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


I probably shouldn't have emailed Grey this morning. Perhaps I'm still drunk.

It drives me nuts sometimes that I'm so attracted to you that I feel I have to randomly call you up and beg you to have sex with me. Actually, it drives me nuts that you say no to me. I honestly can't explain why I feel so drawn to you. I don't recall this ever happening to me with anyone else. Even that first day I met you, I remember sitting next to you on your couch with your arm stretched out behind me. Your physical presence was like a magnet. It was so powerful that I couldn't even bring myself to look at you. It's a good thing C was so focused on watching Federer get smoked because she would definitely have noticed it. I think that she did notice it the following Friday at the Fat Belgian. I know she definitely noticed you watching me intently while you shared mussels with her because I still couldn't bring myself to look at you. Remember how I told you about my awesome boyfriend who could tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue? And how I gave her my umbrella to make her happy? I wish she hadn't convinced me to come out that night. Maybe that's why she flirted with you so outrageously in front of me. Anyway, that's practically ancient history, right? Just tell me, do you have this effect on other women or is it just my misfortune? It sucks for me because, when I do bother to go on a date, I just sit there knowing that it's a complete waste of time. Until you decide you're gay or getting married, I will probably continue to sit there thinking about you and wondering what, or who, you might be doing.

I guess I still think that the sun shines out of your ass.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Argh! Who does a girl have to sleep with to get some sex around here? I called Grey and he declined. I'm so frustraged.
Lest you think that's a typo, I coined this term with the former drug dealer two summers ago.
frustraged (adj): a sense of thwarted purpose causing fits of anger and leading to premature hair loss

I was at an earth day gala event today and they were giving out tree-shaped awards (!) And the main speaker, although dreamy and totally cute Canadian royalty, was cheesy and long-winded and boring. I was hoping he would be inspirational and motivational but I guess not everyone can be David Suzuki. I had to leave half way through to go to the ladies room. And I had to leave part way through the awards to have a cigarette. I probably shouldn't have had three glasses of wine but I was so bored. Even the food was mediocre.

Perhaps I need a third cigarette to offset the effects of the third glass of wine. I just want to growl at everyone.

Hot and cold

I think I worked out a little too hard today. Everything hurts. My hips, my knees, my shins. My hamstrings and hip flexors are so tight. Even my lower back is feeling old. Also, it occurred to me for the first time today that being cold during a work out might not be normal. And no, it's not because the gym is cold! When I start working out, it feels as though my core temperature drops and that spreads to my extremities. But I don't stay consistently cold. It comes and goes and, by the time I'm done working out, I'm sweaty and stay sweaty for at least an hour or more. I also get cold when I eat. I figure it's just poor circulation but it didn't occur to me until today when I suddenly felt cold even though the gym was sweltering.

And, on a totally unrelated note, I was watching Sex and the City today and there was an episode in Season 3 that really struck me. It was the one where Carrie and Aidan have the perfect, calm, functional relationship and she freaks out. She freaks out because she's not used to being with someone who is available and normal. Because there was no drama. So, long story short, she created some drama and ran into Big and then realized that Aidan was awesome. Which he is but I have always preferred Big to Aidan, and not just because I love Mike Logan reruns of Law and Order. I wondered if, despite my belief that relationships should be easy, whether I could cope with normal, dysfunction and nice? Somehow, I see a bit of Carrie Bradshaw in myself. So where is my Mr Big??

Monday, April 21, 2008


Pizza and prosecco. Is there a better way to spend Sunday evening? I went to Terroni's for dinner with Mrs Charlie and my friend who hates her husband and, despite the half hour wait, it was great. I even have half a pizza leftover for lunch tomorrow. I'm going to see Smart People with Big Mac tomorrow night. This is going to be a good week, I can tell.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Date night

I have decided to "date" my friends. I have been on some really great dates with Baby and Delorean. A few weeks ago, I brought over Indian food for dinner and then we went out for ice cream, drove out to Lakeshore and then walked around High Park. It was one of the best "dates" I have ever been on. Twice, we have been out to dinner and then to a club on Friday night. We always have a good time when we go out together. Last night, Baby and I watched a few episodes of House, went out for dinner and came home and played Dance Dance Revolution for an hour. We were looking for a pub on Bloor Street but they were all really busy so we ended up at a tiny, intimate Italian restaurant and spent two hours talking and eating. I can't even remember the name of the place and I'm not sure if I could find it again if I tried.

Tonight, I spent the evening with another couple. I'll call them Mr and Mrs Normal. We went for ice cream in Unionville and then walked around the park which was nice. Then we picked up fish and chips and watched several episodes of Sex and the City. It was a nice, low key evening. I drove away thinking that some day I would like to have that myself. But it's nice to know that, even if I never find it, they're around to rescue me when I need it.

When I'm done school, I would really like to buy property. I don't particularly want to buy a condo or townhouse but a house is too much work, and probably not financially feasible, for a single girl.

I wonder what, or who, Grey is doing tonight. I miss him a lot.

I'm hoping tomorrow won't be as bad as usual. I don't have plans during the day but I do have dinner plans with Charlie's parents. I miss that puppy too.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Still okay

X called me almost immediately after I sent that email. He sounded so heartbroken that I couldn't find it in my heart to do anything but forgive him. So, while I consider our friendship effectively terminated, he still thinks we're friends.

I half-jokingly wonder whether I should talk to him more often not less. When he called, I was reminded of the reasons that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He's not very evolved, is lacking in self-analysis and is still selfish. Recent relationships have made me second guess my decision but I know now, again, that I made the right one.

I still need to work on my self-esteem. I still believe I'm stupid, fat and ugly. I still think I'm unlovable. I still hate myself most of the time. I still berate and punish myself and can't figure out how to break out of that. It's a good thing I can fake self-confidence otherwise I probably wouldn't have any friends. Maybe when I figure out how to feel good about myself, I'll stop feeling so lonely.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Apparently I just needed a nap

A friend phoned and woke me up from my couch nap. And I'm feeling more normal now. I sent X an email terminating our friendship and I think it was the right decision. Here is the email.


I'm feeling a bit more normal this morning. I talked to (two girlfriends, names removed) and I have finally come to the realization that our friendship (yours and mine, not mine and theirs) was over a long time ago but I just never realized it.

I really thought that you had grown up in the last few years and most of my regret stemmed from the fact that I didn't try hard enough or give it long enough. Perhaps if I had waited longer for you, or if your dad had been diagnosed sooner, I would have all the things that I thought I wanted. Now I realize that you are not the person I thought you were. So the things I thought I wanted (to grow old with you, a happy family, a place to call home) with you would never have become reality.

While I understand that you are happy and excited, your email last night was selfish especially considering the fact you told me that you wouldn't propose to (the gf) while I was still at school. Perhaps it was naive and stupid of me to believe you would stick to that. Did you take a moment to consider the consequences of your actions? Did it even occur to you that I would still be awake and that I would have nobody to turn to because it was 2 am? I want to believe that you didn't picture me sitting here in front of my computer with huge teardrops splashing onto my desk and wracked with sobs that only my mother has previously been able to induce. But, especially in the last 2 years, you have taken more from me than you have given back. I can see that clearly now. So I don't think that there is anything left here to sustain our friendship. I think that I wanted to believe we could still rely on each other. When I left Vancouver, driving away from you was the hardest thing I had ever done.

Knowing you as well as I do, I hope that you as an individual and a man will be happy with the path you have chosen and you are not choosing it out of fear over what happened to your father only a year ago. I would still like to maintain some contact with C and your parents, but if you'd prefer not, just say the word and I'll cut those cords too.

I don't think there is anything left for us to talk about. I'm here if you need me, which is what I would say to any friend, but I don't think that you do need me any more, if indeed you ever did. I hope that you never will need me for anything. I mean that sincerely. I hope that you can find everything you ever wanted and needed with (the gf) and your family.

I just want it to be over

Slept about 4 hours. Still trying to think of ways to kill myself. Painless, clean and fast are apparently mutually exclusive. Perhaps I'm just not imaginative enough. My whole body hurts. I'm right on the edge of tears but I'm trying to stay numb because I don't want to cry anymore.


X proposed to his girlfriend and she accepted. I'm really not okay. He emailed me to tell me and frankly, I resent him for sending it at 2 am when I can't call anyone to help get me through this. I have never felt so small or so alone.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Another unsent letter to Grey


I have spent the past 24 hours fighting back tears and failing miserably. I am slowly starting to realize that I accept behaviour from you that I would not tolerate in mere acquaintances or even from close friends. Shouldn't I have higher standards for myself and my partner? I think that I should expect more of you than I would of my friends. Not less.

Today I deleted some people off my MSN because I decided they weren't important. It took several conversations with different girlfriends before I realized that I had given far too much weight to yesterday's unprovoked, unnecessary conversation about my break up with X. Who the hell was he to even bring up these issues, let alone criticize me for conduct which has no bearing on his life? I don't accept that from someone that I haven't seen in over a year. Why should I accept it from you? All those mornings that you made me cry over breakfast, I should have fought back for my pride and for my boundaries. Instead, I let you hack away at the little self-esteem I have built for myself in the past 4 years.

What for? I don't know why I subject myself to that sort of treatment. I strongly suspsect it is because of my mother. Because I was raised believing that I am unworthy and unlovable. I have no choice but to accept my mother's words, thoughts, behaviour. She is my mother and I am stuck with her forever. You, on the other hand, bring so little to the table in return for the tears. I don't know why you pick on me. What do you gain from those exchanges? Maybe you were raised to be harsh and critical, the way my mother raised me. I choose not to be that person. The person who spreads toxic blackness because she can't learn to feel happy. You said in December that I deserve better but I don't believe that you believe that. If you believed that, wouldn't you treat me better? So I choose not to accept it anymore.

I will have to find some way to live without the joy that I eked out during our brief times together. I will miss the solid hugs and the tight spoons. I will miss the kisses and the sound of your laughter. I will miss your hands and watching you cook. I will miss your old, grey nakedness, your beautiful apartment, your clean towels and the sight of you doing laundry or playing on your blackberry.

I have to believe that I am better off being miserable on my own. Until I can find someone who can make me happy and make me laugh. That maybe, somewhere out there, is a guy that is as great as you, who has all of your wonderful characteristics, but won't make me feel like a piece of foul, rotting garbage. Who won't yank me around, waffle with both our feelings, run scared because of the shadow of his history.

My whole life, I despaired of finding everything I wanted in a single individual. I had developed theories about relationships and marriage, about unrealistic expectations of women about their men, decided that love and being in love just wasn't enough. That it does take a village to generate enough love and compassion to sustain an individual. I think it is unlikely that I will meet anyone who I crave as much as I do you. I miss you with every single inch of my body. My soul aches with loneliness. The fear that I have found someone that might be The One. The One that loves me less.

But I would rather be alone. The agony and torment and torture and despair is too much for me to handle on a continuous basis. I put my head in my hands and pull my hair through my fingers and moan "make it stop, make it stop". The tears splash on my desk and I don't have the energy to wipe them off. To even get up and pick up the box of tissues next to my pillow.

Forgive me for giving up so easily. Last October, you implied that you wanted me to be around when you smartened up. But I don't have enough self-esteem to do this for 40 years.

Monday, April 14, 2008


My God, my day actually got worse! I went out with a close friend of X's that I had not seen for almost a year. He randomly came online and asked me if I wanted to grab some food with him. He just broke up with his girlfriend so he might have been projecting a bit but that doesn't excuse his behaviour.

He asked me to tell him the condensed version of what happened when I broke up with X. Which I proceeded to do. And then he was critical about how negative and bitter I am. I was honest about my version of events. I know that he heard X's version 4 years ago when it happened. He had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't over it. Obviously. I really can't figure out where this all came from. Why would he ask me out to lunch just to go on at me about how I'm such a bad person?

He didn't ask me about my relationships since then. He said I give off a negative vibe all the time. How every time he logs into MSN, my message is unhappy. For crying out loud, I'm a grad student! I'm stressed and hungry and exhausted all the time! I never post negative messages about relationships because I have no idea if Grey still has me on his MSN. I don't know why he thought I needed to hear this from him. I can handle the criticism. In fact, I absolutely agree with everything he said. I know I have issues. I know I'm not over X. And the situation with Grey is not improving my self-esteem.

But what's the rush? Why do I have to start dating right this very moment? Why can't I wait until I'm finished school? Isn't focusing on my thesis a legitimate reason for not wanting to deal with my issues immediately? Can't I learn how to be happy and single first? And why does he think it's okay for him to probe these issues? He's not my friend.

I wasn't expecting to have to deal with that this afternoon when I was already feeling so down about myself. Maybe he is angry with his ex girlfriend and took it out on me. I feel like he attacked me unnecessarily. And the thing that irks me most is that he had no constructive advice on how I can be a better person.

Big Mac told me not to let it get to me so after I post this, I will not think about it anymore. I won't hang out with him again. And I have decided to give myself 7 years to get over X. That means I'm half way there.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I will never learn

He texted me this morning so I called to ask him to dim sum. He declined. Well of course he fucking declined. He was already making breakfast and then meeting friends at noon. He's out of town for the next 5 days: Victoria, Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Winnipeg. Back Friday night and then has people coming to visit. He's booked solid til the end of May. I asked him if I should look for a new booty buddy and he said "well I'm not going to tell you yes". But it wasn't a no either. Fucker. As if I wasn't already going to be miserable all day. I hate Sundays. I hate crying all the time. I hate him and I hate myself.

I wrote a not-so-mathematical proof that looking for love is absolutely pointless. Worse than pointless. It's absolute fucking humiliation.

Dating = absolute humiliation
Desperate attempts to obtain validation from others = absolute humiliation
Overwhelming need for attention, company and physical contact = absolute humiliation
Unrequited love = absolute humiliation
Complete isolation from other people = significantly decreased probability of absolute humiliation
Therefore, dating, relationships and love are crap.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


I feel so rejected. Last night, Grey sent me a booty call text but then declined. I had plans already so he had suggested a late night rendez-vous. But when I called him to invite him out, he changed his mind. Apparently he had a big day today. And plans tonight. I texted him about an hour ago but I haven't heard back yet. I feel a bit snubbed and more than a little bit used. Perhaps it's time to change the boundaries.

I ended up getting very drunk last night. I went out with Baby and Delorean and one of his friends. I had a really good time but I definitely drank too much because I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be seeing Grey. I probably should not have driven home afterwards. Just typing this out, I realize that it's time for something to change but I don't know how. I think I probably need some anti-depressants, or professional help at the very least. But I have no benefits. So I'll just suffer quietly through my misery as usual.

Friday, April 11, 2008


I am so very tired today. I did cry myself to sleep last night. Harder than I have cried since January. I called a friend in Vancouver because he always cheers me up. But he's a cynic when it comes to relationships and love so he didn't actually end up helping that much. I want to go to bed tonight but I can't tear myself away from my desk. I was antisocial and didn't go out tonight. So many reasons. I screwed something up in the lab and had to spend an extra hour. By the time I was finished at 9, I was starving. I didn't want to go to the pub and pay for crappy food so I decided to eat at home. Thank goodness I actually had dumplings and noodles in the fridge. And I think I'm still slightly hungover from last night. I hope Grey calls tomorrow. If he doesn't, I might text him on Saturday. "Help, I'm horny!"

Thursday, April 10, 2008


I can't do this tonight. I am totally exhausted. Drained. I don't know what happened but I can't function. Maybe I drank too much. Maybe I empathized too much. Maybe I let myself feel what I wasn't capable of understanding. Or perhaps I am too capable of understanding. My mirror neurons are overfiring and overwhelmed with emotion. I want to just crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. In fact, I'm going to do exactly that. And then I'll wake up and wash my brand new hair style.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Larry wasn't that attached to my, hair apparently. He cut off 14 inches, which is now in a ziploc bag in a postage paid envelope to Pantene Beautiful Lengths. He didn't say bye, didn't take a deep breath. Just straight down to business. Snip, snip! At that point it was still shoulder length but then he cut off another 3 to 4 inches when he was giving me an early 90s bob. I look like Monica Geller circa season 3. I'm happy with the way it feels though. So light and bouncy. So unlike my personality.


I'm donating my hair tomorrow. I have been growing it since 2003. It's below my waist right now. If I put my arm behind me, I can grab a handful of it without twisting or turning or reaching. Although I have become very attached to it recently, it's also an albatross. I wash it every other day because it takes so long. Wash, rinse, condition, rinse, leave-in conditioner, comb through takes about an hour. I rarely blow dry so my head is wet a lot of the time.

For most women, their hair is their security blanket. So many people tell me I have beautiful hair. And I do. It's black with not a trace of grey (touch wood!), it's perfectly straight and shiny like paint on a new car. It's very low maintenance in the grand scheme of things but the little I have to do to take care of it takes precious time out of my (clearly!) busy schedule. I can't just get up and go every morning. Every second shower requires planning. I try not to sleep over at Grey's on the nights before I know I have to wash it because he doesn't have a lot of patience for that. And if I have to be up early for work or whatever, I stay up late the night before to wash it. I hate this girly girl aspect of my life. But I feel obligated to take care of my hair because I know it's going to someone who wants it.

My master plan was to grow it out and then donate it. And also to shave my head. I figure I could raise about $5000 by shaving my head. But I don't have time to do the kind of fund raising I would want to do right now. Maybe I'll do it when I go back to work. Or perhaps a better idea is to just grow it out and donate it every year. It's a ridiculously easy thing to do.

I know I will miss it when it's gone. I have come close to cutting it off a couple of times recently and every time I have chickened out. I do like knowing it's there. It forms a great bun at the back of my head. But it's also very heavy. I know it's time for it to go. So I'm going to cut 10 inches tomorrow. That should take it to shoulder length or a bit shorter. I think that Larry, my strong, silent and brilliantly gay hairdresser, will be sadder than I to part with it. He runs his fingers through it in a way that makes me believe that my hair is the reason he became a hairdresser.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Updates on boredom

I slept for hours and hours today. Baby called at 10.30 am which woke me up from a strange nightmare. And then I promptly went back to sleep until 2 pm. And now, naturally, sleep eludes me. I have cleaned the kitchen, run the dishwasher, done laundry, taken out the garbage, put away my winter shoes and pulled out the spring shoes. Made dinner, ate junk food. Watched hours and hours of tv. I even pretended to vacuum. And I just did a crossword and finished all of this week's Cricklers. I wonder if sleep and happiness are directly related.

I decided to invite Grey to dinner. He said no but sent me an email which made my day. He's pulling an all-nighter at the office and said he would call me later in the week when he has had time to catch his breath. He also said he had no sex stories to share because it was a couples resort. Yay! He didn't have casual sex with random strangers in Jamaica! I can still have sex with him! So I reminded him of a brief exchange from two weekends ago.

I asked him if he had changed his mind about taking me to Jamaica instead of his brother. That we could have sex on the beach, sex by the pool, sex at sunset... He asked if I had ever heard that saying about not taking sand to the beach. Which made me feel less than stellar at the time but I resolved not to let it bother me more than once or twice a day. So today I reminded him that he had said that to me. And he found that amusing and admitted perhaps he had made a mistake turning down five days of blow jobs. Which was my last minute attempt to bribe him. I would pretty much do anything for five days in Jamaica with him including breaking my "blowjobs are for boyfriends" rule. Sadly, we both lose. But I was right! He should have taken me instead of his brother. And he didn't have sex with anyone else. The part that makes me happy is that he thought that fact important enough to tell me right away. Call me crazy.

Monday, April 7, 2008


I'm thinking about inviting Grey over for leftovers tomorrow. I went to A's parent's house for dinner tonight and they always give me an excess of food. There's no way I can finish it and usually I end up throwing most of it away. I actually hate leftovers but I can't refuse their food. I strongly suspect that Grey will say no so I'm undecided whether or not to even invite him. He's never seen my place. Perhaps I'll draft an email and then decide tomorrow. Actually I don't even know if he's back from Jamaica yet. I will have to add a caveat. No sex, just food. My tummy is quite sore from the painkillers but fortunately the pain isn't as bad tonight as it was last month. Perhaps all that self-discipline last week paid off. No chocolate, no caffeine, no cigarettes.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


Why do relationships have to end? Especially the ones that have gone on longer than a decade? I understand that people change, they grow apart, communication breaks down and everything becomes unbearable. I've been there. But why do other people have to go through it? And why do I have to go through it again by extension?

I don't know any details of the recent split. I haven't talked to either half at length but I am having dinner with him on Wednesday. I was supposed to go out with her tonight but he decided that he couldn't take care of their son so she had to cancel.

Without knowing the circumstances, I think they're making a huge mistake. Perhaps that is just me projecting my own regrets. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had tried harder to make it work with X. I wish that we had had the tools then to communicate better and find common ground. But then, if we hadn't split, I wouldn't have learned all the things I did in the past 4 years. Communication skills. How not to care so much. To diagnose my own moodiness and emotional roller coasters. That you have to be happy within yourself before someone else can make you happy. Before you can make someone else happy. And, of course, how to enjoy sex. I would never have met Grey. I would have continued to think that love doesn't exist.

I know that this won't be the last break up in our group and that thought makes my stomach hurt. I wish my friends would stop taking for granted what they have right now. I wish they would appreciate their partners more. I wish they would learn to communicate and be tolerant and not judgmental. I wish they would learn to express happiness when they see their partner. I wish the arguments and tension would stop.

Maybe endings are inevitable.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Love schmove

Where are the men who write about romance and sing about love?
Maybe rappers aren't the best role models but they sure talk big. Papoose says

They say you never know what you have until you lose it
You promise your girl something you better do it
You can't tell a women you love her, are you stupid?
Words don't express your love you gotta prove it.

But where are the men that prove their love? Who don't take their relationship for granted? Who care about communication and connection?

I wonder what Grey is doing in Jamaica right now. I shouldn't torture myself but I don't know how else to kill the late nights. When I'm tired, the misery creeps out from around the corner and seeps into my soul. Is misery also an inherent character trait? Genetically encoded in my brain. Neurons misfiring so the serotonin and melanin just dissolve away into grey matter. So that I'm destined never to be happy, no matter how hard I work for it.

I look around at my friends and see relationships fizzling into nothing because they don't realize how hard it is to be completely alone. Or worse, relationships being sabotaged, partners being alienated, connections being destroyed. Misery and sadness lurk around the corner like silent, sardonic irony.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Two can be as bad as one

I started writing a comment on soveryalone.com today. That format wasn't appropriate for me to completely elaborate my thoughts so I thought I would continue here.

I think a tendency to loneliness might be an inherent character trait. It's not the same as always being negative when you can choose to be positive. I'm lonely because of the circumstances of my life. I can choose to be more social, to date, to go out and make friends and I do all of those things. But, as I've said before, it's possible to be surrounded by people and still feel like you're alone. There are people like X who can be happy alone, who don't miss their loved ones with overwhelming sadness simply because their loved ones exist and are out there loving them and missing them as well. I am slowly starting to understand that feeling. Of being alone in the Universe but not overwhelmed by sadness. Driving across Canada alone was one of the best experiences of my life. Maybe I'm just becoming secure in my loneliness. After all, I can't imagine sharing my space anymore.

I have learned that craving human company doesn't make you weak or pathetic. I'm lonely because I have no family nearby and I always spend Sundays alone as a result. That's not really my fault so I don't blame myself for wishing that I wasn't alone. That doesn't make the emptiness and aching any easier to bear. It's hard to be an independent woman. There are moments I wish someone would take care of me, make decisions for me, so that I can stop and sit still in silence. I know, that's so anti-feminist but I'm tired of being alone all the time.

I wrote this around New Years but didn't post it.

Do you wonder sometimes if you have adapted your routines and behaviors to help you ignore all of the crap that you should be dealing with and can't bring yourself to face? I find that, if I'm exhausted at the end of the day, I can fall asleep without thinking about all of the things that really bother me. The things that should upset me but that I choose to ignore. Because it's just easier to ignore the hole in my soul.

When I'm not exhausted, I try to overstimulate myself by reading the news online, calling a friend, doing some work. And then, before I know it, it's 3 am and my eyes are about to fall out of my head and I'm ready to drop. Then I wake up and do it all over again. Avoidance. Denial. Fear.

Once in a while, like right now, I have a moment of clarity. I realize what I'm doing to myself. I think that perhaps I deserve to be happy, to have a peaceful moment when I'm not torturing myself with reminders of everything that is wrong with me. Perhaps I deserve to just sit still and accept that I'm a decent human being. Usually when that happens, I start to write. I'm never sure if the words will make sense in the morning but at least they're here at my finger tips. Right now, I'm a little bit cold. Sitting in front of my monitor in the living room. Looking out the window. It's foggy and still snowing a little. There's snow on the ground but there's no-one in the street. The trees are silhouetted against the yellow street lamps and one solitary set of Christmas lights.

I know I deserve to be okay but I'm not sure how to get there. I've pushed myself so hard that I don't know how to back down. So when things go wrong, I blame myself. Because I made myself what I am, I got here because of the decisions I made. I am the only one to blame. The only one who can fix what is wrong. Those things outside of my control, I can't do anything about those things except punish myself for not doing better. For not seeing them coming and acting accordingly to avoid them. Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement. It's so hard to forgive the bad decisions.

I need to go to sleep but I can't. I'm not capable of dealing with all of the garbage that needs to be set aside in order for the stillness to settle in. And if my mind is not quiet, sleep will not come. I can't relax. I can't unwind. I can't forget. I can't forgive. Myself.

There's a New Years Resolution in here somewhere but it's elusive. Maybe 8 will be my lucky number

A couple of years ago, when I was lonely and my nerves would tingle from lack of physical contact with another living being, it was more of an abstract longing. I wanted something to fill the void but I didn't know what that was. Now that I have met Grey, I want his company, his touch, his presence. And I'd rather be alone than settle for the company of some random guy. He might be a great random guy but, if he doesn't make me feel great, at this point, I would rather be alone.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Who's the fool?

When I logged in, I had something to write about. But it escapes me now. I should really stop reading through my old blog entries. I write for my future, smarter self. But I don't think I'm getting any smarter. They're making me miserable and I should know how to be stronger than this.

I had an idea for an April Fool's joke. Email to Grey, subject line: Late

"My period is late. I'm sure it's just stress-related. Will know for sure when you get back from Jamaica. Don't forget to pack condoms!"

Cruel? He joked about it first on Saturday morning. I told him that I had woken up with sore breasts every day last week. After he suggested my being pregnant, I reminded him that his sperm are probably extinct. He's an almost-40, workaholic, alcoholic, cigarette-smoking, pothead stress ball. I'd be willing to bet my future he's shooting blanks. In fact, I regularly bet my future on the fact he's shooting blanks. His babies would be pretty damn cute though.