DONE!

I'm done! DONE! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE! Yay :)

God, it is such a good feeling. I am so relieved it's over. And it went surprisingly well. To be honest (because I can do that here), I am really impressed at myself for doing such a good job with the presentation and the questions. It felt as though they went on and on forever but actually it was short at an hour and 15 minutes. I got a lot of compliments on the quality of my work and my thesis document itself. The former chair of the program (who is a silver fox hottie with a wonderful exotic accent) said that he really liked what I had done and was happy. When I left the room for their deliberations, he said to me, "you can relax now". Le sigh. I think I am in love with that man. Anyway, many compliments later, they nominated me for the Governor General's Gold medal award. Nobody from my program has ever won it because it's tough to publish in science but it felt good to even get the nomination and it will look rather nice on my CV :)

Grey was good enough to come pick me up after I had a few celebratory drinks. At one point, just as we were getting into bed, I was lying there thinking, "what if I just dreamed all of this and I have to defend it all over again!" Momentary panic. I imagine I will have more days of waking up and thinking those thoughts.

For now, back to bed for a nap. This afternoon, I have a big pile of library books to return. And this evening, more drinks with bubbles :)

Congratulations me!

Angry

I'm really angry. My primary thesis supervisor is AWOL and I had planned to do a run-through this week with my co-supervisor. And the two places that listed yesterday which I was going to see with my realtor this afternoon sold. WTF? I hate everything right now. I realize it is a lethal combination of stress and PMS but I'm angry. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum people. Silently while I sit here in the graduate student office. I'm like a little invisible fire-breathing dragon witch with smoke and steam coming out of all the orifices in my head.

Defense T minus 11

Defense is on August 27 at 2 pm. I am starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. Really, the thing that worries me most is the unpredictability of questions. Everything else will be okay provided I spend every spare second of every day between now and then preparing thoroughly. I have to finish my presentation before Thursday which is when I will be doing a run-through with my supervisors. Then I have another week to think of and prepare answers to questions. Basically, anything I wrote in 150+ pages is up for debate. I'm scared.

I took yesterday off to decompress with the other grad students. We had brunch at Watermark in the Harbourfront Centre and ended up at the beach at Ward Island which was actually not completely disgusting. We may go back in two weekends when we're done with our defenses. In the evening, we ordered pizza and had a drink and bitched and moaned and complained about school and thesis supervisors. It was fun and I might even miss these girls when we're done. I probably won't see them again after convocation.

Meanwhile, Grey went here last night. http://www.wickedclub.com/

I don't know how much more of his crap I can take. I know that I have been saying that for the last year and a half but I'm starting to feel used and abused. Underappreciated and taken advantage of. It's wearing me down slowly. Well, maybe when the thesis is over, I will welcome the drama back into my life.

Speaking of drama, MFV might come visit at the end of September on his way to Morocco. While I want to go with him to Morocco, I'm not sure if our friendship can stand this test of real life exposure. I haven't seen him in 3 years. I don't know if he knows what he wants from me but I'm tired of guys flip flopping between wanting to be with me and not wanting to be with me. Don't I deserve to be with a man who knows what he wants? I guess I will wait to worry about him until I see a flight number.

Also, that place I didn't make an offer on? It sold for more than $30K above asking. It appears I can't actually afford to buy the type of place I want in this godforsaken city. It has been a bad news day all around.

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Thesis panic

Holy fuck. Pardon my language. But I have a buttload of work to do. I'm not sure I can finish my thesis before my time in this program expires at the end of August. I am extremely anxious. I'm meeting my supervisor at 10 am. We're going to have to talk about a final drop date for this thing.

On a happier note, I get to puppy-sit next week. Oh, except he's not a puppy anymore. I'm pretty excited about that. I might ask to work from home next week so that I can focus on the thesis and not stress too much about getting home to let him out.

First draft done!

I'm done my first draft! I took today off and busted my ass and finished my methodology section. Wow, that feels pretty good. Granted, I still have to do one final read through all 17 pages tomorrow before I give a hard copy to my snoopervisors to review. But it feels good to know that I will be able to take this weekend off. There will be husband birthday dinner and Russell Peters and wedding anniversary tea. But I think I will celebrate with pistachio ice cream at Ed's Real Scoop at the Beaches (the Beach?) after work tomorrow. Okay, I'm going to finish up references now. Fortunately there are but a few.

Defense

My supervisors set a defense date for me today. They want a first draft of my manuscript by the end of May and are planning for me to defend on July 23. I'm going to be very, very busy. I'm so anxious that I'm too paralyzed to do anything right now. I'm tempted to go to the mall and work off my anxiety with my credit card. MFV told me to go buy a pair of "thesis" shoes. They'll make me feel better. I would marry that guy if I could. But going to the mall would be an unproductive waste of time so I'm going to shop for shoes online instead. What I really need is breakfast.

What?

My life is ridiculous at the moment.

Grey is actually considering my moving in with him in April. I think the idea is insane and only tossed it out there to see what would happen. The thought makes my head spin. Every time we actually have a conversation, I want to bang my head against the wall with frustration. We haven't discussed this whole moving in thing beyond him letting me know that he's open to the idea. What.the.fuck??

He has been acting very strange. When he picked me up from the airport on Monday night, he was so happy and excited it was weird. He took me back to his place and made me dinner while I showered. We smoked a tiny little j (actually the remnants of something he had smoked earlier) and watched House. He made me sit on his lap while he ate his dinner and then held my hand while we watched tv. And then we had really mind blowing sex which started out with kisses so soft and slow I thought I had died and been reincarnated as a flower in the breeze. And then we went to bed and cuddled so tightly I couldn't tell where my skin ended and his skin started. It was nice. Comforting. His mattress is too soft. So I suggested that, when I move in, we move his mattress to the guest room and put mine on his bed. He laughed. He laughed! He didn't freak out and throw me out of bed. What.the.fuck??

He dropped me and my suitcases off the following morning and we went to work. When he got home that evening, he called to say hi. What.the.fuck?? On Wednesday morning, I texted him to ask if he was going to call in the evening to say hi. He did. What.the.fuck?? He texted me this morning to ask what I was doing Saturday night because his friend invited us over. I was mildly disturbed by his use of the word "us". What.the.fuck?? When I finally told him that C le V is coming to visit this weekend (see next paragraph), he sounded jealous but denied it. What.the.fuck??

Very confusing. But I refuse to dwell on his odd behaviour any longer.

So yeah, C le V is coming to visit this weekend. He arrives tomorrow night. We have no real plans. Except that I have to go to a funeral on Saturday morning. My friend's father passed away quite unexpectedly. I'm shocked and a little angry. Cancer is stupid.

I'm not sure why he's coming. He hasn't explicitly said that he wants to be more than friends or regrets his December decision. He has danced around it but I require verbal clarification. There are three major things he will have to fix:
1. He will have to move here.
2. He will have to explain why he decided he wanted to be just friends, explain what has changed since then and convince me that we shouldn't be just friends anymore. And apologize for making that decision in December. And beg forgiveness.
3. Somehow get me over the repulsion I felt at his being the creepy club drunk guy and hitting on everything with boobs. Even the ugly boobs. Especially the ugly boobs.

So, while I'm making no assumptions, this weekend should prove to be somewhat interesting. Outcome: pending.

I had hoped to be back at work full-time very soon. But with the stupid economy behaving like a 5 year old, that may not pan out. So tonight I am going to work on a couple of cover letters before I work on the job I have.

My washing machine is broken again and I have veritable mountains of dirty vacation laundry. Where is my asshat when I need him?

I finally got my lab data. I have to meet my supervisor next week. Before I do that, I have to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my spreadsheet. I hate school.

I haven't spoken to Baby since I got home. Or any of my girlfriends really except for A. Her romance has not worked out as anticipated so we have logged many phone hours. What I really want is to lie on the couch and watch tv but I have too much work to do. At least I seem to finally be getting over the jetlag. I was too out of it to write anything the last few days. I probably shouldn't even have been driving.

Parental units

I was a big ball of anxiety for most of the day. While I couldn't motivate myself to actually get out of bed and do some real work, I did spend the better part of the day worrying about not finishing my thesis on time, running out of money, moving out of my fabulous apartment and having to endure enforced curfews and meal times at A's parents house.

Okay, I'm being facetious. They have been very generous in their offer to let me stay as long as I need to and I may very well take them up on their offer in January. Ideally, I would stay here until I am finished my thesis because I am a giant control freak and also a huge fan of complete, utter, buzzing silence. I haven't lived with another living being for the past 4 years and I don't want to start now. Especially my best friend's parents and another high school friend (who moves in whenever they go away for the winter). I'm grumpy and I like my freedom to be grumpy whenever and however I like.

I talked to my parents for 45 minutes on the phone about this and we've come to a decision. I have to give 60 days notice to vacate so I have until November 1 to make a decision. That means I have 6 weeks to work like a mad woman on my thesis and also work as much as humanly possible while working on said thesis to make some money. If, by November 1, I feel that I can submit my thesis and defend by the end of the year, then I will give notice to leave this apartment at the end of December. I will put all of my crap in storage and move into A's parents house for whatever time I need to spend here in January.

If, on November 1, I cannot defend this year, I will make a decision based on my finances. I will hopefully know by then whether or not I can afford 55% of my monthly rent. The parents have agreed to contribute 45% of my rent for January, February and March if that happens. I have already paid the last month's rent so that will either take care of December or April. If I can't afford to pay for my share of the rent, the same decision will apply.

So, barring unforeseen tire contingencies, this is the plan. Work my ass off until Halloween and hopefully buy myself either a thesis defense for Christmas or another semester in this apartment.

I'm not sure how I'm going to manage Baby and Delorean's wedding in November but that appears to be under control for the most part. There is a bridal shower and bachelorette party to organize but those shouldn't take up that much time, hopefully.

I actually feel better having talked to my parents. I can safely say that this is the first time in my adult life that I have felt this way. Perhaps I had only to admit that I'm not infallible, that I was worried and anxious and didn't know what to do.

Setback

I have suffered a major setback this morning. I woke up at noon after finally falling asleep around 5 am and got an email from my thesis supervisor. He would like me to stay an extra semester to write up and defend. He has offered to pay my tuition in exchange for my training someone on the method I have been using. I won't be able to live in my condo anymore so A's parents have generously offered their place as long as I need it.

I emailed my work supervisors almost immediately about coming back to work full-time, or at least three days a week, this term. I can't imagine spending all of my time writing up my thesis. I'll go mental if I have to do that.

It also means a major curtailment of travel plans. I had planned to spend a couple of weeks in Hong Kong and India followed by at least two weeks in Australia ogling cute surfer boys. While I do have to go to HK and will likely end up spending a few days in India, I think the Australia travel plans will have to be postponed indefinitely. That makes me very sad.

But there's no point getting all weepy about it. I will definitely be needing another pair of longjohns though. The thought of spending a third winter in Toronto makes me want to weep for joy.

"F dash-dash-dash"*

My thesis is a piece of crap. I'm going to throw it out, go back to work and pretend it never existed.

Okay, I'm not. But this will haunt me for the rest of my life. I'll be 90 years old with no teeth, Alzheimer-ridden, sitting on the porch of the nursing home telling anyone and everyone, "I really don't think I screwed up! How could I have screwed that up?!" Augh.

I still don't see how I could have made such an elementary mistake but I must have done. There's no other reasonable explanation. Unless my nitrates grew fins and swam away. My stock solution was fine. But so was my dilution today. As it was back in May when I ran this experiment the first time. Argh.

Anyway, there's nothing I can do to fix it. Fortunately, my supervisor says that I don't have to rerun the experiment. My thesis will be a giant, undefensible pile of crap. But so what? It's not like I go to a real university anyway.

I should be less vitriolic. I'm glad my supervisor isn't making me rerun it. Very, very glad. So relieved I could cry from sheer exhausted appreciation (sound of my knees hitting the deck and my forehead hitting the floor at his Birkensocked feet). He was very sympathetic. I was all ready to change my enrollment status to part-time, start working again full-time and do whatever lab work I could manage on cold, wintry weekends when I have nothing better to do.

On a totally unrelated note, I would have John Mayer's Daughters.

*Thanks to Fish for this title.

Unresolution

This is so fucked up. I actually missed that damn guy today. And then I got home and realized I had left my earrings at his place. Shades of Grey. I should stop leaving them lying around. So I went over and picked them up and he hugged me and it felt good and I buckled just a tiny bit. But I left my car running, refused to park it and go upstairs so we stood outside in the rain while he tried to convince me we should give it another go. Really really fucked up. I made one concession that he could call me tomorrow. No goodbye kiss. He's as bullheaded as his astrological sign. He called while I was driving home. Maybe he just thinks he can persuade me to have sex with him again. I hope I don't make that mistake again.

On a more positive note, I met with my supervisors today and they had some solutions to help with the lab issues. We're going to fix things tomorrow morning and start working on the next - and hopefully final - experiment.

Why can't my personal life be as easily managed as my professional life? What am I doing wrong? Perhaps it comes down to lack of qualifications, experience and mentoring.

Homesick at home

I miss my bed already. I'm home and that feels good but I have friends staying from out of town. The same friends I stayed with in Vancouver. They're great people but I think I was built to live alone. I can't wait to get my apartment and my bed back. I know I'll miss them when they leave and the apartment will feel weird and empty. But I'm still uncomfortable.

I have to go see my supervisor tomorrow morning. I can't remember what he wants me to do anymore. It has been a while since I talked to him and he changed his mind a few times in between. I'm hoping he will have time to look at my data summary as well. I have no idea what I'm doing. As usual. Grad school is hard.

Heading to the US of A

Going shopping this weekend. VS, Target, Nordstrom Rack, Bath & Body Works for starters. No laptop, no posts. Hopefully the driver coworker has mellowed. Looking forward to spending the weekend with the usual shopping coworker. Haven't seen her for two years and have missed her muchly.

Today was good. Bought much needed groceries in the morning followed by dim sum for lunch. Then the afternoon shopping for patio furniture. Dinner at the Dockside Restaurant on Granville Island with much bubbly and crab cakes. Waiter spilled salad dressing on me but bubbly and travel clothes negated the ill feeling. Theatresport improv and helping the hosts pack for their camping to finish off the day. Must brush teeth and go to sleep.

Lunch with old bosses tomorrow. Should be interesting. Will be prepared to fence re salary expectations and returning to Vancouver to work for the Company.

Best conference ever

Finally back online. Supervisor showed up with a network cable this morning.

Today, I blew off most of the conference. Went to the plenary session and coffee break but then spa'd, had tea, hiked around the botanical gardens, returned to the poster session for a free drink, had dinner with the supervisor and other grad students plus an affable Texan we seem to have collected and then went on a Haunted Hike tour.

Must turn in now so as to do same tomorrow. Scheduled conference blowing off activities include finding a tall, rugged fisherman to bait my hook, wandering around St John's taking photos of picturesque houses with colourful painted siding, hiking down Signal Hill and a lobster dinner in the evening.

Shoooooooes!

Today, this made me laugh. "My only meaningful relationship [is] with my shoe collection."

Because, today, I went to the mall to return some shoes I bought on Saturday afternoon. I bought a pair of shoes because I was feeling not so great about myself and they looked good on my feet. I knew that I had an almost identical pair of designer shoes at home which cost less because I bought them at a sample sale. But I bought them anyway. The regret set in shortly thereafter and, on Sunday, I decided I would return them this afternoon.

While I was at the shoe store, I found the cutest pair of shoes ever. Go on, click on the pictures. Are they fabulous or are they fabulous? That's right, they're outrageously fabulous.




I had seen these shoes months ago but today they were finally on sale. And they were comfortable and they had them in my size! So I bought them. And now I'm happy and excited. Not sure where I'm going to wear them first. Maybe to Newfoundland?

Anyway, that's enough happy stuff for one day. My supervisor came back from wherever he spent the last two weeks hiding. And there was bad news. My samples swamped the analyzer at the lab. We couldn't figure out why for the longest time. He thinks that maybe the undergrad student that made the stock solution didn't read the label on the bottle properly and mixed up the 14N with the 15N. This means that all of my samples are completely useless. Really, it's great. Now I won't have the data that I need for my conference poster and I'm going to spend the next 4 days trying to fill white space with poorly disguised crap.

My shoulder hurts already. Back to the grindstone.

To skank or not to skank?

No real news to report tonight.

I read this comment online today. "Sometimes, love doesn’t have to be sweet to be love."

I get to go to work tomorrow. Nothing very exciting but I'm hoping for at least 2 hours of work.

Talked to a guy I met online on the phone this evening. He's a straight hair dresser. He has an 8 year old son. While I don't want to be an instant mother, I'm not comfortable ruling someone out that I've never met. Maybe I'm being naive. He was on his way out so he said he would call back later this evening but I'm getting tired of waiting and will probably go to bed soon. Not his fault that I had nightmares this morning. But still a bad sign.

Presentation went well this afternoon. At least, on my end. My supervisors couldn't figure out what's up with my data either. For once, I don't feel stupid following a meeting with them.

Oh, also I bought the most outrageous top. It was not cheap but it looks pretty damn good. It's low cut in front with a large cowl neck and a racer back behind. The arm openings go down to my waist. I can't wear a bra with it so I bought some double sided tape and that seems to do the trick. I bought it thinking I would probably return it but now I'm debating wearing it to the concert next week. Too obvious? I mean, he already knows what I look like naked.

Lab crap

I am finally in the end stages of my big experiment. I learned that the fume hoods in all the labs have a vacuum nozzle to which you can hook up tubing or whatever else turns your crank. I have a large desiccator now so I can wait until all my samples are ready and ship them off to Cornell together. Next step is to research a new GC-FID method to measure acetylene reduction to ethylene.

The nice old man that runs our analytical lab is retiring in two weeks and his replacement is the power trippy guppy that refused to help me last Thursday night because he was teaching. He answered his cell phone though so how busy could he have been? It's not like he was in another building. He was down the hallway from me on the same damn floor. He didn't even offer to come by after class. That guy is going to be a thorn in my side until I'm done. I refuse to pander to his ego. This is not a matter of principle. I have no problems stroking egos when I need something. Especially male egos. It's often the only way to get results. But I can tell this guy won't respond to that so I'm going to be a bitch to him. As long as he's scared enough to stay out of my way, I can figure this stuff out on my own. With help from Baby, her analytical chemistry textbook and the internet.

I really have to work on my presentation and poster for the conference in June. I'm starting to get anxious. It doesn't help that one of my supervisors is away for two weeks.

I realize this is making no sense to anyone but myself so I'll stop. While I'm not quite ready to go back to work, I can't wait for this to be over. I can tell that I am starting to yearn for the office again. The president of the Canadian operation sent out an email today that we won a big contract in the west and I'm anxious to go back and work on it. Do I have to finish this stupid degree?

A glimmer of something

I'm totally procrastinating about going to school right now. I really should go. I want to have results ready for end of day Wednesday so my supervisors can look them over before our meeting on Thursday.

It was a long day at the lab yesterday. Productive, but long. I found myself randomly crying about Grey. I wish he wasn't so screwed up. We had such a good time together this weekend. There were a few moments that he was a bit grumpy but he was also a bit strange. He keeps asking if my parents are coming to visit this summer. And he mentioned that I would be an expensive wife. When I pointed out that his entire outfit was over $1000 whereas mine was under $100, he said that his mom would love me. I hope he doesn't freak out on me again. I'm not sure I can handle another soup incident. I just wish he knew what he wanted so that I could figure it out. While he waffles, I wait in suspense. More fool me, I suppose.

He went to get a hair cut after we had dim sum on Saturday morning. He left me alone at his place with the paper for about an hour and a half. And when he came back, we sat around talking for a while. We've never done that before. It was a bit strange but I really enjoyed just talking to him. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Maybe it's too late, given the random lab crying yesterday. Perhaps it's time to take a break from him. Next weekend is long so maybe I won't see him.

I'm not looking after Charlie anymore. I decided I didn't need the extra responsibility right now. I miss that puppy but it's probably for the best. It's going to be a long week and I will need the time to unwind and the reminder of how much I hate long, extended periods of time to myself.

Apparently Tuesdays are also painful

I started my 24 hour experiment today. The centrifuge tubes haven't arrived but my awesome supervisor cut my workload down by about 70% so I'm trying to keep the bitching to a minimum. I spent 15 hours in the lab today and just walked in the door. I have to be back there in 6 hours so I had better go to sleep. I have to collect samples at 8 hours, 16 hours and 24 hours so tomorrow is going to be another long day. I can't decide if I should collect 15 mL in one centrifuge tube and then pipette 5 mL into test tubes as I need it or just collect 5 mL in three centrifuge tubes. Issues include test tube availability and fridge/freezer storage space. I think I'm going to do the latter as I HATE washing glassware. Did I mention that washing glassware is the bane of my graduate experience? I left dirty glassware in the lab tonight. Shocking, I know. I'm just very tired. Dead on my feet, in fact. And my left shoulder is so sore that, as I type this, my head is tipped over so that my right ear is almost touching my right shoulder. I probably look like a freak. Pardon the political incorrectness but one of the new undergrad lab assistants appears to have Tourettes. It's distracting.

Oh yes, I also talked to X today while I was labeling erlenmeyer flasks. We had a pretty good catch-up session. We decided he shouldn't bother inviting me to his wedding given that his ideal situation is that he would invite me and I would decline. I figured they would feel that way. So why waste an invitation and postage? It's just easier this way. No drama, no fuss, no further discussion.