Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The email I actually sent...

Sadly I don't trust myself to say this to your face. Or even on the phone.

You've been so busy being defensive and closed-off that you never asked me what I wanted from you. I think you assumed that I wanted what you are searching for.

I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole "love" thing. I don't know how anyone can fall in love when they know so little about the person they are with. Is it possible to be in love with someone and not know who they really are? If that's true, how can love be real? When you said you could see I wanted more from you than what we have right now, I was floored. Why would you think that? Is that arrogance or fear? I want what we had last month before you started pushing me away. I do care about you but I don't think I could fall in love with someone that I barely know. Besides, I don't think that you get to tell someone not to fall in love with you.

What I wanted was to be with someone who liked and respected me. What I want is to meet someone whose company I actually enjoy enough to spend consecutive nights with him. I want to have sex with someone who appreciates more than just my body. So that we can do other things when we're not having sex and still have a good time. Because that is one of the things that makes sex better. I guess I was looking for a higher level of connection instead of just a "fuck friend". I want someone with whom I can spend hours and not feel compelled to do anything except what we each want. Like read the paper or take a nap or just get some work done. I want someone who will take my needs into consideration when we are spending time together. Because those are things I would do for the person I was with. I thought that you could be that guy but I guess I was fooled by your good manners and willingness to take care of me. I thought that this was what we both wanted and I am so confused that you continue to have issues with this on a weekly basis. I guess I should have known better when Steph said you were "a romantic".

I think that I was right about you. I think that you can't be happy in a sexual relationship with someone you're not in love with. And I think you're too scared and too hurt to allow yourself to fall in love. Remember when you continued to call me after I told you I didn't want to see you anymore? What was that? Remember that night when we were out watching the sailboats and the stars? What was that all about? Or that time you were out with Steph and asked me to come join you. I told I couldn't have sex with you and you said that it wasn't just about the sex. What was that? Was that you thinking about letting me in? You didn't need to go to the trouble. I would have slept with you anyway. Because I liked you and you made me laugh. It doesn't happen often to me so I was prepared to take the leap.

Maybe I am too caring and generous and sensitive. I am that way because I don't want to become my mother. Most of my friends value and appreciate those qualities in me but I can't seem to find an honest, trustworthy guy who thinks that about me and also wants to have sex with me. Maybe that means I'm fuckable but not lovable. And that breaks my heart because maybe I won't ever be in love and maybe nobody will ever be in love with me.

I still stand by everything I wrote in that facebook message in September. But I am starting to wish I had walked away then. For weeks I reminded myself every day that you weren't my boyfriend. I don't have to do that anymore.

If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that men can't be friends with the women they have sex with. A friend would have asked what he could do for me. The last time I had food poisoning, Vancouver brought me soup and ginger ale and ginger tea and I've never slept with him. When My Former Valentine was sick, I took him drugs and never slept with him either. That's what friends do for each other. But you were too selfish to get in your car and drive for 10 minutes to return the soup that I bought for you with no strings attached. Was that arrogance or fear?

Whatever your reasons, you can't seem to make up your mind about me. So I'm deciding for both of us now. No more sex, or shared papers or dim sum or spoons in bed.

There is no need for you to call or email. I didn't take your sweater with me on Sunday but I would like my book so please leave it with my concierge before you go to Ottawa. I will make sure you get your sheets when they arrive.

I am alternating between relief and tears. I miss him. I think he was the one. Which means I will be alone forever. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

1 comment:

Kathieja said...

I was bloghopping and I came across your blog. I just want to let you know you that you should not give up on urself & love. Perhaps your soulmate is just somewhere out there which you have yet to meet some day. Be strong and you will move on...