List

I just read over all of my recent entries about Grey. I can't stop crying. It's the ugly cry where nothing comes out but an occasional high pitched gasp. It's not pretty at all. There was so much wrong for such a long time. But all I can remember are the good things. I know that's normal for post-breakup but the memories are so vivid and poignant and barely within my control.

I miss
his hands
his salt-and-pepper hair
the way he cuts vegetables and sautes with his saucepan
the feeling of his hand on my neck when he was kissing me last weekend
holding hands while watching tv on the couch
sharing a joint
getting up to get dessert
smoking on the couch
sharing a paper
the way he would turn me over to spoon me
the way he would flip me over when we were having sex
his dirty talk
his flatulence
the never-ending supply of drinks
the way he would bound out of bed in the morning
waking up to him telling me breakfast would be ready soon
dim sum
going back to his place on saturday night after being out with girlfriends all day
working together at the dining table
the way he gets worked up about work
his smell
the way he would just stare into my eyes and get lost there
watching tv with him
watching crappy movies with him
watching him drink scotch out of the spiegelau glasses i bought him
watching him sit in his chair and play with his blackberry
the way he would make me take the window side of the bed
his driving
his hugs
his kisses
his playful but hard slaps
the way my head felt on his shoulder when we were lying on the couch or in bed
the way we sat at the table with placemats and napkins like grown ups
the sound of his laugh
watching him stretch
his neurotic cleanliness matched so closely to my own

Everything comes back so randomly and vividly. I wonder when I will stop crying.