Tuesday, December 18, 2007


I felt horribly guilty about ending it over email. On Sunday morning, I sent him the following email:

I'm so sorry I sent you that last email. I should have talked to you in person. I owed you at least the courtesy of that. I was so wrapped up in the things that were said on Monday night that I couldn't get past the way I was feeling. I thought it would make things easier for both of us but I shouldn't have taken the easy way out. If you had ended things with me like that, I would have been crushed. I hope you can forgive me. I would call you to apologize but it seems... I don't know, redundant? And scary. Shit, sorry, I'm awful, I know. I guess I've never been comfortable telling you what I think. Anyway, I really am sincerely sorry.

He replied:

No worries it was understandable considering the situation. You are a great person and you deserve better. I wish you only the best, I hope you found some joy in the time we spent together and that there are no hard feelings. Once again I think you are a wonderful women that deserves more and you should not settle for anything less.
If ok I will call you upon my return.
Happy Holiday's

His spelling and grammar are atrocious. I made an exception to my rule for him because English is not his first language. But it is still a pet peeve.

I sent this email to X.

What I really want to tell him (and I won't which is why I'm telling you) is:
"I don't want better, I don't want more. I want you. I don't want anyone else because that would be settling. I just want what we had in October and the early part of November. Before you started to freak out about all this falling in love bullshit. When you're ready to stop pushing me away and you decide you want to be with me, then you can call me and tell me exactly that and then, if I decide you deserve yet another chance, then we can talk. Until then, don't call me or email me or do anything except for think about what you have lost. By the way, your sheets arrived just in time for Christmas so I put them under my tree and opened them up on Christmas morning. They're wonderful. Thank you!"

Righteous indignation is so easy over email.

It helps me to know that he still wants to talk to me. Even if he just wants to maintain the connection because he thinks I'm stupid enough to have sex with him again. I mean, I am but he doesn't know that. I think it makes me feel better because it puts the power back on my side. Or maybe it means there's some sort of potential. Maybe something I said touched a nerve. I have no idea.

I have a date on Friday night. At least, I think it's a date. Drinks, anyway. I have never met this person before but we've been emailing. Lavalife. I'm just going because I need to get out of the house and talk to somebody else about something other than Grey. He looks good on paper and his photos seem to be pretty cute. He also made me laugh a couple of times which was nice. So, if he's arrogant and pompous and likes to hear himself talk, at least I get an interesting evening out with likely at least one shot of adrenaline and hopefully he'll buy drinks. Anything beyond that is just gravy.

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