Sunday, December 16, 2007

Maybe what I want is not what I need

I couldn't stop crying all day. If we hadn't got a snowstorm today, I might have been in my car outside his apartment looking up into his window. I'm not a stalker and I'm aware how pathetic that is. This evening I couldn't stop crying. I was hyperventilating because I couldn't stop. I've been through half a box of Kleenex. Thank goodness for Puffs Plus with lotion.

My best friend, A, finally called tonight. She's the only person I can cry to and not care that I'm being ugly. She's probably tired of hearing me cry about Grey. She asked me what it was about him that I missed but I couldn't speak. I was crying too hard. She said that I was upset about this because I wasn't ready to let go and I wanted to keep working on it. She wanted to know what I expect from him. I don't expect anything. I want him back but I don't expect anything. I don't think I'll ever see him again. And that breaks my heart. I miss him so much that I can't fill the hole inside my chest. I've tried food and cigarettes and writing. I haven't tried alcohol but I'm pretty sure that won't help either. I wrote him a letter today and then tore it up so I wouldn't send it in a moment of insanity. In the letter, I wrote everything. All of my thoughts and feelings. I know that communicating those things to him won't fix anything but I thought that writing the letter would help. It didn't. Writing in my journal hasn't helped. Even writing this blog entry is not helping but I have to try.

What wouldn't I do to have him back in my life? I know that it's harder today because it's Sunday. I'm back to hating Sundays again. I wonder what it is that I really need. I want him because he's driven and committed to work and life and gets excited. But maybe what I need is someone more balanced to bring that to my life. I thought I was good at balance but I'm starting to believe that I'm not. Maybe I don't need anyone. Maybe no man can survive a relationship with me. I want him because he is affectionate. I want him because he held my hand and gave me big hugs and was playful and knew exactly what he wanted in bed. I know that I could never not have those things in a relationship. But maybe I won't ever have those things with someone else. I don't want anyone else. I want Grey.

I have to stop torturing myself with this. I want to be able to accept that I made the right decision and begin to move on. I want to forget about the pain and erase the good memories. I need to stop crying. My eyes are puffy, I'm dehydrated, the inside of my nose is raw and the garbage is piled high with Kleenex. My journal articles are soggy, my pillow is wet. I have wasted so much time thinking about him, waiting for him to come online - not that I would message him, checking to see if he has been on facebook. How did I get here? How did I become this person? Why can't I be a better human being? I hate myself right now. But I want him back. I miss him. I think I was in love. That can be the only explanation for my current state of misery. I wish my heart would turn itself off.

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