Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Letter to Grey

We had a fairly good weekend. Except for Saturday morning when he ripped me a new one after I talked about my family. He's really priceless. Today I was sick. I lost count of the number of times I threw up. I hoped he would come by with some soup. Apparently that was too much to ask.

You've been so busy being defensive and closed-off that you never asked me what I wanted from you. I think you assumed that I wanted what you are searching for.

I don't know if I'll ever understand the whole "love" thing. I don't know how anyone can fall in love when they know so little about the person they are with. Is it possible to be in love with someone and not know who they really are? If that's true, how can love be real? When you said you could see I wanted more from you than what we have right now, I was floored. Is that arrogance or fear? I do care about you but I don't think I could fall in love with someone that I barely know. Besides, I don't think that you get to tell someone else whether or not to fall in love with you.

What I wanted was to be with someone who liked and respected me. What I want is to meet someone whose company I actually enjoy enough to spend consecutive nights with him. I want to have sex with someone who appreciates more than just my body. So that we can do other things when we're not having sex and still have a good time. Because that is one of the things that makes sex better. I guess I was looking for a higher level of connection instead of just a "fuck friend". I want someone with whom I can spend hours and not feel compelled to do anything except what we each want. Like read the paper or take a nap or just get some work done. I want someone who will take my needs into consideration when we are spending time together. Because those are things I would do for the person I was with. I thought that you could be that guy but I guess I was fooled by your good manners and willingness to take care of me. I thought that this was what we both wanted and I am so confused that you continue to freak out about this on a weekly basis. I guess I should have known better when Steph said you were a romantic.

Maybe I am too caring and generous and sensitive. Most of my friends value and appreciate that in me but I can't seem to find a decent, respectable guy who thinks that about me and also wants to have sex with me. Maybe that means I'm fuckable but not lovable. And that breaks my heart because maybe I won't ever be in love and maybe nobody will ever be in love with me.

And I think that I was right about you. I think that you can't be happy in a sexual relationship with someone you're not in love with. And I think you're too scared and too hurt to allow yourself to fall in love. Remember that night when we were out watching the sailboats and the stars? What was that all about? Remember when you continued to call me after I told you I didn't want to see you anymore? What was that? Was that you letting me in? You didn't need to go to the trouble. I would have slept with you anyway. Because I liked you and you made me laugh. That doesn't happen often to me so I was prepared to take the leap.

I still stand by everything I wrote in September. But I am starting to wish I had walked away the first time I tried. For weeks I reminded myself every day that you weren't my boyfriend. I don't have to do that anymore.

If there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that men can't be friends with the women they have sex with. A friend would have asked what he could do for me today. You were too selfish to get in your car and drive for 10 minutes to bring me the soup that I bought for you with no strings attached. Was that arrogance or fear?

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