Wednesday, December 26, 2007

He's back

But not in my life. Grey sent me a text message this afternoon just as I was leaving for bubble tea. I thought that it must have been a mass text to everyone in his phone book. So I deleted him from my facebook friends. As much as I want to hope that he misses me and wants me back in his life, I have to believe that isn't true. There was nothing personal about the text message.

When I was driving home, it occurred to me that he was on his way back from Ottawa. Perhaps that's why he sent it. He was online on MSN tonight. I went to check his fb activity (yes, I acknowledge that's fb stalking and it's sad and pathetic) before it occurred to me that I had already deleted him and I breathed a sigh of relief. Even if it was mixed with sadness and tinged with regret. Then I unblocked him on MSN and deleted him off that too. I don't want to know what he's doing anymore. It's too painful and I'm never going to get him back. I can be miserable without him just as effectively without trying to guess his every movement. I really miss him.

I watched It's a Wonderful Life and The Grinch tonight. Both brought me to tears. This is not a wonderful life and I have no-one's hand to clasp. I realize I'm lucky to have what I have and I should be grateful. I am, but I'm also so very lonely and heartbroken without him.

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