Tea and ladies

Why don't men call when they say they're going to call? What is up with that? I hate it and I probably will never understand it. It frustrates me and I feel unloved, insignificant and neglected. Thank God for girlfriends and afternoon tea and tiny scones with devon cream and tea in teapots with teacups and saucers and strainers and all the dainty things that make me happy. Also, I am looking forward to copious amounts of alcohol tonight. (By copious, I mean two drinks).

Angry

I'm really angry. My primary thesis supervisor is AWOL and I had planned to do a run-through this week with my co-supervisor. And the two places that listed yesterday which I was going to see with my realtor this afternoon sold. WTF? I hate everything right now. I realize it is a lethal combination of stress and PMS but I'm angry. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum people. Silently while I sit here in the graduate student office. I'm like a little invisible fire-breathing dragon witch with smoke and steam coming out of all the orifices in my head.

Call 9-1-1

There is a global shortage of manly men. I'm declaring a state of emergency.

Predictably so

This one is for Awkward. Actually, I was already writing it in my head when I saw your comment.

The new guy never called. What is UP with that? I really believed him. He was so convincing. And I am so naive. Stupid gullible me.

TGI Friday. If only because I know I have to spend the entire day talking to stupid people. And I won't have to do that on the weekend. I have some really great friends. It's a good thing I don't *need* a man. How to fix the wanting part though?

http://xkcd.com/572/

Hurt

Does anyone else think this email thread is a not-so-subtle rejection? I am actually quite upset. I'm officially giving up and allowing myself to be upset this weekend.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 4:52 PM, C le V wrote:

Nice subject line!
Sounds like a nice weekend... Apparently it's the St-Patties day parade on Sunday, so the plan may change, but it looks like it's going to be another quiet domestic weekend... not the drink-fest you seem to have planned (no comment on the Dirty Dancing!)
Sucks for the thesis... but better late than never, I guess.

On 3/13/09, EB wrote:

What?? You're not a fixture on the lucky lesbian leprechaun float? But you look so good in green!

So... as much as I am scared to ask (or scared to hear your answer), will I be getting a phone call from you this weekend? It would be nice to hear your voice again at some point. It's fine if you're busy and stuff. I just thought I would go out on a limb here and ask.

On Fri, Mar 13, 2009 at 5:01 PM, C le V wrote:

I would answer 'yes', but I don't want to create any expectations... so 'no' it is.

I suck

I took a nap this afternoon and now I can't sleep. I wish I had someone to talk to.

C le V called me this afternoon because I was feeling down. I felt better after I talked to him. Then, after the nap, I realized that he hasn't called me "sweetheart" since Saturday. Something has definitely changed. I'm scared to find out.

Also, in more bad news, I lost the apartment that I had decided to rent. They rented it the night I saw it, for $90 a month less than the list price, starting tomorrow. Crap. Maybe I should just put all my stuff in storage and be homeless until I can afford to buy my own concrete box.

I'm going to bed now. Not because I'm sleepy. But because it will be easier to cry myself to sleep. Or not sleep, as the case may be.

Augh

There is something wrong with me.

C le V texted me last night when he got home from the airport around 1.30 am. We talked for about 45 minutes. He clearly was excited to hear from me and wanted to talk about his trip and this weekend. It was really nice. To hear his voice and listen to him talk and laugh with him. Even though I just wanted to go to sleep. Now I know what it feels like to be the dude. I was super tired all day today. It was also really nice to have him back on email again. I really missed those too.

Last night when we were talking, he said he would phone me this evening. I know he had plans with friends. I'm assuming he's still out. Because it would be unacceptable for him to get home and not call. I waited up and could have gone to bed hours ago. I'm annoyed at myself for waiting. And disappointed that he didn't call. And I'm feeling the distance which I know is going to translate into reduced warmth and increased reservation when I see him in 24 hours.

See what I mean? There's something wrong with me. I hate that I'm such a clingy, needy, high-maintenance bitch. Urgh, I hate myself.

What? - Grand Finale

(Disclaimer: NSFW along with most things on this blog!)

I'm very close. Very close. Teetering on the edge even. I have resolved to be honest on my blog because I am too ashamed of him and of myself to be honest with my girlfriends. And I don't often feel that way.

On Saturday night, I had bubble tea with the girls and their husbands. Usually when I go for bubble tea I order a large and then say "ugh, too many bubbles! Why do I always do this to myself? Moan." But this weekend, I ordered a small. It took a supreme effort of self-discipline but I did it and didn't regret the small at all. Yay me. I think I might be learning something. Slowly.

Today, I spent the day with Grey. We didn't talk. We didn't really do much. We went for dim sum and I got upset because, when I complained about working from home on weekends, he said I only work one day a week in a voice full of contempt, scorn and disdain. I got angry. I actually got teary eyed when we were waiting for our table and had to escape to the ladies room for a minute. I spoke up enough that he finally claimed to see the error of his ways and apologized. Then, of course, we didn't talk at dim sum. We waited almost an hour to get my car washed and, instead of trying to talk to me then, he kept trying to shove his hand up my skirt. Repeatedly. He even unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis at one point. Yeah, that's right. I almost kicked him out of the car.

Then we went to the drugstore to get him something to help him sleep. By the time we were at his place, his buddy had phoned and was right behind us. The three of us ended up sitting on the couch watching the Superbowl and eating pizza. Grey trash talked me a lot tonight. Some of it was truly appalling. Maybe it was just part of guy's Superbowl night but I have trouble believing that his buddy would say the same stuff to the girl he is currently seeing. We all laughed it off as part of the macho funny guy act but I am hurt and unimpressed. I sent Grey an email when I got home because I was too embarrassed/scared/awkward/worried about making his friend feel awkward to say something at the time. And I knew that if I didn't send him an email tonight, it would go into the vault of things he wouldn't remember but I can't let go.

Re AshleyMadison.com: Grey was saying he should go on that site but he's not married. I told him that if he was going to sign up for a website that facilitates affairs, he might as well lie about being in a relationship. I mean, that's hardly a stretch, right? He said, "yeah good point. I should say my girlfriend is a tall, hot, 5'10" blonde..." Suffice it to say I am none of those things. I looked askance at him and he said that his brain is often way behind his mouth and some of the stuff that comes out makes no sense. Oh, it makes plenty of sense.

His buddy was considering spending $500 on a winter coat for the new girlfriend: Grey said that he would never spend that much on me. His buddy just shook his head. I said "yeah, but we're not dating".

He also said the following two things. I think the context is irrelevant:

1. I won't fuck you hard if you don't finish your dinner.
2. I should bitchslap you with my cock.

My response to the first was to push away my dinner plate. My response to the second was "you could try but it won't reach". I couldn't believe he said that to me. In front of his buddy.

Eventually his buddy left. I thought we would talk. Stupid me. He just wanted to have sex.

When I left, he hugged me and asked if we could do it again some time after he got a good night's sleep. I said "whatever, I won't wait forever". But actually, I think I might be done with him. I think that it has finally started to sink in that I'm better off without him. I can be remarkably intelligent about everything else in my life. In fact, in general I pride myself on my rapid brain speed. But this... why has this taken so long? Did I require some sort of external boost to my self-esteem to figure this out?

I couldn't wait to get home to talk to C le V tonight. He could tell something was off but I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it was unimportant, irrelevant and would be bad karma for us. It would be so great if we somehow end up together. I miss him. I hope that I'm good enough for him.

Who makes these rules?

Neither of them called me today. No text messages. Nothing. I'm a little frustrated and annoyed but I find I'm not as disappointed as I would normally expect. I suppose it helps that I'm not very attached to either of them and this entire situation is creating a little too much drama in my life right now. Anyway, back to House while the laundry is in the dryer. At least House is predictable. I just wish he and Cutty would get it on already!

Oh yeah, I also saw an awesome movie today. It's called Slumdog Millionnaire. You should see it.

Blarg

The mechanic never called. Can I delete his number now? Grr.

Oh, hmmm, it occurs to me that I never mentioned the mechanic. Another PoF guy who has been emailing back and forth for a couple of weeks and finally called yesterday. He actually sounded nice on the phone. Disappointing. I hid my profile. I also wrote a mini-rant but it's hidden so nobody will ever see it. It made me feel better though.

This is how I really feel

W

I was disappointed when you canceled our date without a reason, or even an apology. I expected you would call with an explanation. This is the very least I would do if I had to cancel plans with a friend.

Then, when I got home on Saturday night and discovered that you would rather spend the evening posting youtube videos on facebook than with me, it was hard not to take that personally.

I would like to believe I deserve better. What I would really like is to be with a man who wants to talk to me every day. Who is excited to see me. And I would prefer that excitement not to fade after a handful of dates.

Perhaps that's too much to expect but I don't think I can settle for anything less.

I would appreciate if you would return my book before the end of the month.

Me

Brush off

I was given the brush off today. I'm disappointed. I attempted to be sensitive with the result that Captain W canceled Saturday plans altogether. I got the distinct impression that he was a little hesitant to have me over so I suggested we postpone Conan and do something else. He said he needed this weekend to "catch up and clean up" and suggested that we plan for next week instead. Curses. I wrote out a long-ass email about how I lead a very busy life as well and that I'm going to be swamped for the next couple of weeks and that, if he wants to see me again, he'll have to get over his phone-phobia and start calling me to show that he's interested.

But, when I was walking home from school at 3 am, I talked to two friends. Male, in Vancouver which is why they were still up. They said not to send the email. That I should be more elusive and unavailable. Let him do the chasing. Snort, Captain Wiggles has no game, by his own admission.

So yes, the email remains unsent. I hate playing games. It's excruciating. I was really starting to like this guy. The irony is that I used the same brush off on The Kid a couple of weeks ago. Dating karma is a bitch.

Stormy

The dark clouds are beginning to gather. I was fine all day and now I'm not. It's easy to pretend I don't care when I'm surrounded by people and have things to focus on. Like how much beading is too much and whether or not the extra crinoline will fit down the aisle. The hard part late is at night when it's quiet and there's nobody left in the Universe so that I am forced to listen to the voices in my head. The ones that tell me I'm supposed to be alone. The ones reminding me that the moments of human contact are illusory and fleeting. The ones that jeer at the happy thoughts cowering and hiding from the leaded skies of despair.

Disappointment. I don't deal well with that emotion. And I'm wondering if it's just easier to never let anyone in so that I don't ever have to feel this way again. All of the happiness is transient but this thing seems to magnify itself out of all reasonable proportion and then it goes on and on forever. I don't want any more of this roller coaster. The highs of hope and depths of disappointment. I just want a flat line. No happy, no sad, just an eternity of meaningless solitude on this planet until that is over too.

If only self-esteem was rational. Then I could conduct a logic exercise and be done with all the garbage. Instead I'm left with the voices inside and the dark clouds gathering overhead.

Shoooooooes!

Today, this made me laugh. "My only meaningful relationship [is] with my shoe collection."

Because, today, I went to the mall to return some shoes I bought on Saturday afternoon. I bought a pair of shoes because I was feeling not so great about myself and they looked good on my feet. I knew that I had an almost identical pair of designer shoes at home which cost less because I bought them at a sample sale. But I bought them anyway. The regret set in shortly thereafter and, on Sunday, I decided I would return them this afternoon.

While I was at the shoe store, I found the cutest pair of shoes ever. Go on, click on the pictures. Are they fabulous or are they fabulous? That's right, they're outrageously fabulous.




I had seen these shoes months ago but today they were finally on sale. And they were comfortable and they had them in my size! So I bought them. And now I'm happy and excited. Not sure where I'm going to wear them first. Maybe to Newfoundland?

Anyway, that's enough happy stuff for one day. My supervisor came back from wherever he spent the last two weeks hiding. And there was bad news. My samples swamped the analyzer at the lab. We couldn't figure out why for the longest time. He thinks that maybe the undergrad student that made the stock solution didn't read the label on the bottle properly and mixed up the 14N with the 15N. This means that all of my samples are completely useless. Really, it's great. Now I won't have the data that I need for my conference poster and I'm going to spend the next 4 days trying to fill white space with poorly disguised crap.

My shoulder hurts already. Back to the grindstone.

Saturday night

I have nothing to write about right now but it has been a while so I will continue in this vein of blogorrhea. I just ate some smoked salmon (leftover from tea with the ladies this afternoon) and drank a glass of lactose-free chocolate milk. Then I belched louder than I have in a very long time.

I spent this evening at home because I woke up angry this morning. I was frustrated with myself for taking on too many unnecessary and thankless responsibilities and felt like I needed some time to myself. I had intended to come home and sit on the couch and watch TV. Instead, I tidied up the apartment, did laundry, sorted bills, shredded old receipts, updated my car service history and wrote a corresponding fb note. While I was sorting through the crap, I found a slip with Grey's AMEX card number and expiry date. I was tempted to sign him up for some porn sites or randomly order things from Amazon to be shipped to his house but that would be stupid and petty. Instead I'll just fantasize about doing that from the school library and picture his imaginary reactions.

This morning, I cried in the shower. When I got out of the shower, I thought about some things while I was getting ready. I had one of those moments of clarity in which my perspective shifted slightly and realized something I should have figured out weeks ago. He can't say no to people because he doesn't like to be the bad guy. He needs to be liked and he wants to be needed. That is why he wouldn't end things with me. That is the reason he made me do it. The reason he pushed so hard with "I'm not in love with you" and "I can't bring you soup". Instead of stepping up and communicating as an adult. Which I would have appreciated more than his bullshit. It's also the reason he still wants to be friendly, if not actual friends. I was unhappy when I ended it because I wasn't ready to end it. I realized that he forced me to be the responsible one and that was upsetting because I blamed myself for being the first to walk away.

That has always been my issue. Walking away when things get rough. But I also know now that all the other men before Grey were not right for me and my walking away was not a bad decision in any of those circumstances. It was always the right decision at the time and my instincts were telling me what I needed to do to protect myself. So... maybe walking away is not my issue! Yes, I have trouble letting people in but maybe that's okay. Because people are disappointing. But maybe that's not the same as bailing on relationships. Maybe I can forgive myself now for all those other times. And therefore, by extension, I can feel less unhappy about being the one to end things with Grey.

Having said all that, I still miss him a lot. I feel like I will never be 100% happy.

I guess I did have something to write about after all.

I left my pillow behind

Thursday night, he called me well after I had gone to bed. About 1.30 am. He was sending me mixed messages but he was wasted so I went over there because I was worried. And because I can't go back to sleep once I've been woken up. He was well and truly wasted. So I put him to bed and alternately dozed with him or on the couch. I had horrifying nightmares so I didn't sleep past about 4 am. I can't even say what they were about because they were too disturbing. Every time he stopped snoring, I got up to check that he was still breathing. And he was still drunk when he woke up in the morning.

He was pretty obnoxious but I was still laughing. He did remember asking me to go to a gala event with him next Saturday. He asked me three times. I think I'll wait until I can speak to him when he's sober to confirm that he actually wants me to be there. I have a feeling he will change his mind. We're also booked (in his blackberry!) to spend Thursday evening together. His birthday. I don't have any plans because I have class til 9 but I have a feeling he'll bail on that as well. I don't know why I think that but I think this thing is going to fizzle out by the end of this weekend.

Last night, his cousin was in town. He said that his cousin didn't want "girlfriends" out with them that night and just wanted to spend some alone time together. It took me a couple of hours to see through that one because I was offended that his cousin would rule out my company before even meeting me. It didn't occur to me until I got home that it wasn't his cousin who didn't want me there. There were a series of frustrating, confusing text messages from both him and his cousin and I finally gave up and went to bed at 11. I turned my phone off that time. When I woke up at 3 am, there were four text messages and one voice mail so I phoned back and he was already asleep.

I got a call this morning to possibly do something this evening. But that fell through as well because he's working til midnight and tomorrow morning. He did say he was hoping to have tomorrow afternoon off but he didn't ask me to spend it with him and I didn't ask. I'd rather not make tentative plans and then have them fall through. It's easier not to have expectations.

It's hard to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't have expectations. J told me that he sounds like the ideal rebound guy. But I don't want him to be a rebound. I really hope this doesn't crash and burn. Fuck, I'm an idiot - there's the h word again. I wish this was different but it's time to face reality. I think it's time to start expecting the worst. That he's done with me; he's taken what he needs that I was perfectly willing to give. At least I'm not particularly attached to that pillow.

Great expectations

Is it possible to have good sex and good conversation with the same person? With the same man? I'm starting to think it isn't possible. There were a few people who I thought had potential. The deadbeat ex drug-dealer last summer. He was fun and funny and good in bed. But he only wanted to have sex once a week, if that. Then there was my former Valentine who could make me laugh but didn't make a move for months and then, when he did, he couldn't get it up. B who seems to be a perfect physical match but could care less about my brain.

I feel like such an idiot. I haven't heard from B all day. And I've been waiting. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed for most of the day, let alone leave the house or do any work. And nothing. Not even a response to the birthday message. I am so stupid. How did I get here? All I want to do is cry and sleep and put an end to everything. I feel so alone and unwanted and unlovable and miserable. I'm not hungry but I know I should eat. But I can't bring myself to make anything or go out and pick something up. I can't even bring myself to leave my apartment to have a cigarette. It's a good thing I have class tomorrow otherwise I wouldn't leave the house til Friday. I wish I could stop crying. I hate it when my face gets puffy and I get dehydrated. Somebody please shoot me.

I need a hug... and a lobotomy

I should never have let him come over on Sunday. It was awful. He said he had things to say to me, that he didn't want us to break up but he choked on Saturday. So I let him come by and he still had nothing significant or meaningful to add. Just "I love you so much" and "this relationship is hard" and "I want us to be together" but no attempt to sacrifice or compromise or even discuss how we're supposed to make it work. I showed him the door after he wouldn't leave.

And then I felt like shit about that so I offered to drive him to the airport. I also sent him a long email last night saying all the things I left unsaid because I was waiting for him to speak. He read it and said we would talk today on the way to the airport. But, if possible, he had even less to say this morning. When I got home from the airport, I started writing an email when a long one came in from him. He was waiting and thinking at the departure gate. It hurts me that he can't say all those things to me in person but can write them in an email. It makes me doubt the sincerity of his emotions. I don't want a man that can't fight for what he says he wants when given so many more chances than he deserves. I don't want a man that can't look me in the eye when he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me.

So it's done. It's over. It's for the best. I did everything I could and much more than he deserved and he chose to let go, even though he promised me he wouldn't.

I spent most of the day sleeping but I'm heading out in an hour for drinks with an older friend. Several years ago, she was my mentor and adviser and has a sensible head on her shoulders. Maybe she will have something enlightening to add but what I really need is the late night company and then to come home and go straight to bed so I can have a productive day tomorrow.

The mysterious guy called me to check in. How crappy must B have behaved this weekend that one phone call from the mysterious guy could make me feel good for a few minutes? Men are such monkeyfuckers. He asked if he could keep calling me and I said of course. He has ruined me for all other men so he might as well be the only one calling me.

I realized something this weekend. I decided I would not willingly put myself in situations that I thought would make me feel stupid or foolish or humiliated. That is the most I can do to control the stupid feeling right now. The thing about the mysterious guy, yes I should have known better than to sleep with him but I had no control over his mistakes. So there's really no point feeling stupid about his actions. I'm not angry at him so I guess I have forgiven him for the mistakes he made. Given my frame of mind at the time, I think I can forgive myself for my actions. So it's time to move on from that as well.

Please let me be strong enough not to send this to him tonight

The thing that sucks is that, if you were a different guy and we were in a different place, I would say that we should just forget about this incident and move on because there is so much potential for laughter and good times and friendship and who knows what else... But I don't know you well enough to say that to you.

You said you were not good with commitment and I was okay with that. You said that you were sleeping with other people and I was okay with that too (although I probably shouldn't have been). Actually, I thought it was great for you and respected you for being honest with me. And you said all these things to me that made me think you were sincere. I completely 100% bought the line about shining more brightly than the stars. And I pretended not to hear you say that I took your breath away. That took my breath away. I was floored that you actually fixed my suede shoes. And, as I said, it turned me on that you beat me at Scrabble. I believed everything you said to me because I had no reason not to believe you. But now I just think you're one of those guys that wanted to know what the sex would be like and decided it wasn't that great. And my apologies for not warning you about that. It would have gotten better, I promise.

You said you're not one of those guys, but you just became one of those guys. I wish you would prove it to me. I want to believe that you did it inadvertently but I think I want to believe you because I did care what you thought of me and I did care how you were feeling. It bothered me to see you stressed out about work. I was happy when you were relaxed. I was comfortable just lying on the couch with you watching a movie. Or watching the news in bed. It felt right. Like I'd known you my whole life, even though I had just met you.

I am so disappointed that the one man who has made me laugh and made me think and made me just relax and forget my insecurities turned out to be just another one of those guys. I'm disappointed for being stupid and gullible. I'm tougher than that, or so I thought. Remember when I said "who are you?" That was because I really thought you were unique. If I'm being really honest with myself, even though I said I had no expectations, I did want to hope... But as I've often said, "I'm done with hope. Disappointment is much more predictable."

So my problem now is this. There's this guy who thinks he's still my boyfriend. After this weekend, he won't be. He says he wants to marry me. He thinks that he loves me. Not that I have any idea what "love" is. But he can't make me laugh and doesn't have the tiniest bit of interest in my life, or what I think or how I feel. Six months ago, I was prepared to overlook all of that. After spending 7 years thinking I loved someone who loved me right back, I learned that I was never going to be enough for anyone but this guy seems to think that I'm his everything. I don't want that anymore. I want more. My problem now is, I'd rather spend twelve hours with you than the rest of my life with him. What would you do if you were in my shoes?