I left my pillow behind

Thursday night, he called me well after I had gone to bed. About 1.30 am. He was sending me mixed messages but he was wasted so I went over there because I was worried. And because I can't go back to sleep once I've been woken up. He was well and truly wasted. So I put him to bed and alternately dozed with him or on the couch. I had horrifying nightmares so I didn't sleep past about 4 am. I can't even say what they were about because they were too disturbing. Every time he stopped snoring, I got up to check that he was still breathing. And he was still drunk when he woke up in the morning.

He was pretty obnoxious but I was still laughing. He did remember asking me to go to a gala event with him next Saturday. He asked me three times. I think I'll wait until I can speak to him when he's sober to confirm that he actually wants me to be there. I have a feeling he will change his mind. We're also booked (in his blackberry!) to spend Thursday evening together. His birthday. I don't have any plans because I have class til 9 but I have a feeling he'll bail on that as well. I don't know why I think that but I think this thing is going to fizzle out by the end of this weekend.

Last night, his cousin was in town. He said that his cousin didn't want "girlfriends" out with them that night and just wanted to spend some alone time together. It took me a couple of hours to see through that one because I was offended that his cousin would rule out my company before even meeting me. It didn't occur to me until I got home that it wasn't his cousin who didn't want me there. There were a series of frustrating, confusing text messages from both him and his cousin and I finally gave up and went to bed at 11. I turned my phone off that time. When I woke up at 3 am, there were four text messages and one voice mail so I phoned back and he was already asleep.

I got a call this morning to possibly do something this evening. But that fell through as well because he's working til midnight and tomorrow morning. He did say he was hoping to have tomorrow afternoon off but he didn't ask me to spend it with him and I didn't ask. I'd rather not make tentative plans and then have them fall through. It's easier not to have expectations.

It's hard to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't have expectations. J told me that he sounds like the ideal rebound guy. But I don't want him to be a rebound. I really hope this doesn't crash and burn. Fuck, I'm an idiot - there's the h word again. I wish this was different but it's time to face reality. I think it's time to start expecting the worst. That he's done with me; he's taken what he needs that I was perfectly willing to give. At least I'm not particularly attached to that pillow.