Friday, October 26, 2007

Control freak

When I get scared, I become paralyzed. I can't seem to do anything. I can't bring myself to leave the house or do some work or call someone or even think straight. Why? Because I'm a control freak. And, more than anything else in the world, relationships scare me because they are so completely out of my control. And that is why I am so profoundly affected when things don't go the way that I want. I think this might be a breakthrough day for me. I get that I'm scared, but I never really clearly understood why. I'm starting to understand that I just have to let go. If he hasn't called, if I think he's avoiding me, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't rehearse conversations in my head in preparation for when he eventually does call. I can't plan for the things he might say. It doesn't help to imagine all the things he could be doing to hurt me. So I just have to wait patiently. That is the hardest thing of all. I'm the girl that can take care of herself because, if I want something, I just go and do it. I can do that for myself. But I can't make anyone do that for me. So I have to suck it up and just get up off my terrified ass and go and do all of the things that I had planned for today. That's all I can do. I think I understand that now.

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