Relationships

Relationships are strange things. I work hard and play hard and expect to savour the rewards of my efforts. But relationships don't work that way. It doesn't matter how hard you bust your ass. If you're with someone who is not also busting their ass.. well, then you're just a fool. You're also a fool if you date douchebags and think they're interesting and entertaining. I suppose I had to turn 30 to learn that lesson!

Anyway, I realize that my previous post made it seem as though I'm lonely in Vancouver but I really couldn't be happier. Yesterday, I spent a lovely, sunshiney afternoon on Granville Island. I met MFV for lunch, read a book on the dock, got a pistachio ice cream cone, shopped, met MFV for coffee and eventually wondered home for a late afternoon nap. Then I met one of my favourite girlfriends for dinner in Yaletown and she filled up my soul and left it overflowing for the next person. It was a really good day. It has been a really good few weeks. I needed the break. I needed to rest. I needed to reconnect with myself. I needed to enjoy myself. I have done all those things. This has maybe been the best few weeks of my post-grad student life.

The thing is, when you start a new relationship with your bestest friend in the whole world and you also happen to be living with that person, the slightest bit of distance or withdrawal doesn't go unnoticed. But because you're living with this person, even though you might be second-guessing everything he says, you can't deal with it the same way you normally would. You can't play hard to get or give him his space or wait for him to come to you. You have to continue with the things you have started doing every day. Like washing his cereal bowl and coffee mug. And doing the laundry and buying groceries for dinner and planning your weekend getaway. And spooning with him as he falls asleep. I'm not suggesting for a minute that I would rather be in the other situation - the one where I could retreat to my cave and wait for him to come get me - after all that has not worked out so well in the past for me! But it does present a slightly different challenge. Ah, the male ego...

I am still trying to figure out this little problem. How to be a gentle, caring, loving partner without smothering the poor guy. How to still be the fun BFF and not morph into my usual relationship neuroses monster. How to be okay with having sex even when I'm not feeling 100% connected and dealing with those feelings with the minimum of drama. It's tough. I haven't been in a real relationship for many years. Maybe I never was. I never really experienced any sort of emotional intimacy with X, even though he was my best friend. I have had plenty of physical intimacy in the last couple of years, thank you Grey. But we never connected on an emotional level, in fact very much the opposite with him pushing me away whenever I would start to get close.

This is different. Better. Much, much better. But strange new territory for me. He got mad at me the other night. It was a stupid, trivial argument. And while we have moved on, we haven't really dealt with it. I'm not sure what the issue is. Probably that I am a giant, raving, condescending beyotch. I should fix that.

However, it could also be temporary. If he doesn't find work in Toronto, we may never be together again after next weekend. I intend to make the most of the week we have left. He is my BFF after all.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Just say no. Don't be a Schmalentine.

Back that Hyundai up...

Dammit to hell I hate women drivers! I was in my underground parking lot, just trying to get upstairs to bed because I'm sick and being stubborn about taking drugs. Perhaps if I had been properly medicated, my reaction time would have been faster and I would have been able to throw my car into reverse when the woman in front of me decided to back up without checking to see who was behind her.

She slammed into me pretty hard. Not a glance behind her at all. She was young and driving her daddy's car. She was profusely apologetic but I got her insurance information anyway. I think I'm fine - I'm shaking and in pain but that could be because I'm sick - and I don't really see any damage to the car. But it's going on a train across the country in less than a month so I don't want to take any chances.

I really need a hug. Enough to let Jesus come over with dinner and hold my hand while I drink my neo-citran. Actually, he did that the last two nights so clearly it has more to do with me being a big sucky baby when I'm sick than getting slammed in the front end. It turns out that the things I find most annoying when I'm fine are the things I find most comforting when I'm sick. I didn't ask him to hold my hand. He just did it. And for a while, I kept moving my hand away and then he would reach for it again later. He has been very attentive. Which is nice, for now. Until my glands are no longer swollen.

I know I'm a terrible person for taking advantage - and how bitchy am I when I'm not sick that those things annoy the hell out of me? - but I'm sure that he's just waiting until I'm well and truly dosed up on decongestant and antihistamines and ibuprofen to take advantage of me!

Oops, I did it again

Holy comments Batman! Okay fine, I will spill the beans.

Rain had it right in his comment on my last entry. So.SO.RIGHT. What do you know? I mixed beer and liquor. In the same glass. Three times.

Jesus and I went to the Bier Market and I love their take on my old standby, the Kir Royale. At the Bier Markt, naturally it's called a Bier Royale. We started out by having a good time but then a heinous combination of sequences occurred. I was drunk. He was drunk. Too drunk to drive, in fact. Which was not cool. He was clingy and gropey and condescending. Actually, he was that guy in the club who is being a complete jackass jerk to his date and you wonder why she's there with him because clearly she's cute and can do better. Okay fine, that's what the cute boy (Paul? Or was it Sean?) said to me. "Why are you with him? You obviously don't want to be. And you're cute. You can do better". Uh, hi Paul, YOU are a cutey-patootie. Can I put you in my pocket and take you home? Sorry, I digress...

I was irritable and cranky (okay perhaps this has nothing to do with booze!) and totally a complete bitch to him because I was tired of him constantly grabbing me and crowding me while we were dancing. Not to mention the completely condescending random comments about trivial meaningless crap. Ugh, gropey and condescending. How is this a turn on? Play hard to get dammit, but don't be a jerk. Ugh. Listen gentlemen, when we're out in public and I repeatedly take your hand off my waist, don't keep grabbing it! AUGH.

Anyway, when cutey pie Paul ended up with butchy she-male in a wife-beater, Jesus noticed me noticing them and said, "are you jealous?" "No, but I didn't think he'd end up with her". "True, he can do better." "Well, that's what he said about me."

Collective blog gasp.

Yes, it was a totally bitchy thing to say but, by that time, I had had enough of his condescending bullshit and gropey wandering hands and should have left on my own terms. But he had my coat check ticket (house keys were in the coat) and my leftover pizza in his car and he was too drunk to drive anywhere. I kept telling myself that here a nice guy and I should be more forgiving and less of a complete raving beyotch. Just goes to show that my judgment where men are concerned is completely, totally, utterly worthless.

So, I walked home drunk by myself and he followed for a bit. I don't know when I lost him, maybe about half way, which is when I phoned MFV. And, though he was drunk himself, he was smart enough to realize that I was not okay. He insisted that I text when I got home and then phoned me later to make sure I was actually alive. I was fast asleep and have no recollection of the conversation. He does want to know what happened but I can't bring myself to tell him. Yet. Maybe next weekend. Or next month. Or never.

I'm too ashamed of myself. I should not have let myself get into that predicament with a strange man, even if His name is Jesus! A girlfriend pointed out on Saturday that he's actually only just doing the minimum to try and get me in bed before I leave. He's not meeting my friends or having dinner but he has no problem taking me to bar and getting me drunk. Thank God I didn't have sex with him. I confess though, I did think about it. I mean, maybe if he hadn't been a total jerk and we both hadn't been disgusto drunk... Ugh.

So, I'm over Jesus and this really is the epilogue in my dating memoirs. I guess I should change the title of this blog again. Suggestions? "How about Catatonia and catnaps: the chronicles of a catless cat lady".

I almost ruined everything

And I prefer not to think about it, nor discuss it. Ever. Again.

Douchebaggery

Today I had a quick lunch with the Original Douchebag (he sat, I ate) and he was saying how he didn't do much over the holidays because all his friends are married now and he felt like a loser. His actual words were "so, I realized that I'm not actually a loser but I felt like a loser". Lol, who says that?? And he proposed that we should be closer friends from now on since we're both single. He was being totally creepy and weird. Ick. So I told him that I'm no longer single. He slammed his hand on the table and said, "dammit!" Uh, transparent much?? I should just have had lunch at my desk but Douchebag Beta asked me to go for lunch when I got in and I blew him off because he was a complete fu&ker the last time we didn't see each other*.

Then, this evening, despite being a complete gentleman and driving 45 minute to pick me up so I wouldn't have to deal with the broken subway after dinner, Jesus was kind of a jerk. He was patronizing and condescending and kept touching me in ways that were annoying. When I asked him to stop all of the offending behaviours, he laughed at me and continued to be patronizing. I mean, fine, the guy is older than me but I resent him treating me like a child. It's frustrating because I felt as though I was just starting to open up to him.

He also got me a gift. An expensive gift from Coach. Which was sweet. But he bought me a ponytail scarf. Only, I have short hair. Short, short hair. You know when Rihanna went super short? Yeah, ftw, right? WHAT am I going to do with a ponytail scarf??

Why do I attract weirdos and jerks?? I need a cookie. And a hug. A hug-flavoured cookie.

*I didn't post about this because it seemed like a waste of time in an otherwise perfectly good evening.

Pathetic

There are times when I wish I was not conscious. There are times when I wish I would never be conscious again. Instead, I dig a frozen cigarette out of the freezer and kill myself slowly. I know I am pathetic. I own that. I tell myself often, out loud, sometimes in public places when nobody can hear me. I call myself terrible names. It starts in the shower and doesn't stop until I get into bed, exhausted and unable to think anymore. I tell myself that everyone hates me, and they are right to hate me. I'm unlovable and unworthy of any kind of time or attention. That's the reason I'm alone. I deserve to be alone. So I will be alone. If not by choice, then by half-hearted intention. I am pathetic and I hate myself.

Job interview

I could have prepared more efficiently. I could know more right now. I could care more. But frankly, all I want is to pack up and move back to Vancouver to be with my old group and move in with MFV. What the hell is wrong with me??

Douchebags in elevators

I spent an inordinate amount of time with new guy and Douchebag today. New guy and I went to the Remembemererance Day ceremony at City Hall which was good. Except that, on the way there, he pulled me towards him in the elevator and tried to give me another face hickey and then, on the way back in the elevator, asked me what my breast size was.

Him: "what's your boob size?"
Me: stare of death (apparently futile)
Him: "B?"
Me: look of condescending superiority
Him: "C??"
Me: look of condescending smugness
Him: "nice"

Naturally, none of this prevented me from having lunch with him where he alternately ignored me in favour of his (not one but) two (!) blackberries and told me stories about the girls he has slammed/dated in the past. Truly charming.

Douchebag, on the other hand, was considerably better behaved today. We went downstairs for a mid-afternoon sugar break and, when we were waiting for the elevator, he said, "you're a very pretty girl, you know that?" I rolled my eyes and shot him a mental, "fuck you, I'm a woman not a girl, moron".

Hmm, maybe the problem is actually men + elevators.

Screw him

I emailed Grey to let him know that I was no longer comfortable with us going to Cirque on Sunday now that he's officially in a relationship with someone. I explained and tried to be gentle about it. His response from Vegas? "Whatever... overthink away. Have fun with ur Mom". So I told him he could go screw himself. It felt pretty good. I'll probably regret it in the morning. Or in a couple of minutes when he drunkenly replies. Or maybe I won't give a shit. Because that's how I feel right now. He's a fucking moron. Oh there's his response now...

Fucking guy always makes me fucking cry. I want so badly to hate him. Kill me now.

New guy update

So, I promised Victoria an update on the New guy. At the risk of ruining the ending (although, if you've been reading this blog for more than... oh about 90 seconds, you will be able to predict how it ends!), I have since lost interest. But it's still a mildly entertaining story and should probably be documented for posterity and my disastrous dating memoirs.

Here was the follow up fb conversation:

New guy at 19:24
on the verge of blocking you...

Ms Behaviour at 19:29
You're hilarious. Why do you want in so bad? You could just get to know me the old fashioned way like regular people instead of fb creeping me. I mean, if you know everything about me from fb, what are we going to talk about when we go for coffee/tea/lunch?

New guy at 19:35
I want in because you won't let me in, aside from that I don't give a shit.

Ms Behaviour at 19:42
Typical! Men are so predictable. No access for you yet :) My fb rule for coworkers is that I don't add you until I have socialized with you and I know you won't go gossiping about my personal life around the office. Is that fair?

Now go do something useful with your evening instead of messaging me.

New guy at 19:43
Yes, but I am not only planning on socializing with you, I am planning on fornicating with you too.....which reminds me, when are you going to invite me over?

Ms Behaviour at 20:41
Lmao and I'm planning on marrying you and having your babies!

You know, I always recommend Neil Strauss to all my single friends but it's refreshing to meet a man who actually practices the theory! So here's a question, do girls actually go for that sort of thing or do you end up getting bitch-slapped a lot?

New guy at 20:41
They not only go for it, they love it.

So, at this point, my interest has seriously started to wane. Listen guys, if you're picking up a girl and she knows how to play The Game, you should change it up. Because otherwise it's just another tired old pick up line.

Since this conversation almost 3 weeks ago, I have not been at the client office and he has made up for my absence by sending me progressively dirtier text messages. For example, "I can't wait to jizz all over your silky smooth skin" and "I miss staring at your ass and wondering if you like anal". Yeah. Smooth. I know.

Last week, he had a report for me so we met up for coffee. He finally admitted that he had given up on me and was no longer bothered about getting in my pants. I had to buy his coffee because he forgot his wallet at home and put up with his incessant blackberrying all night. Don't get me wrong, there is something superficially entertaining about this man but I have no interest in dating him. After MFV came and went, I have lost interest and patience in these games and the men who play them.

However, all of this did not stop New guy from trying to kiss me on the sidewalk. I fell for his, "give me a hug" and he pulled me in by my winter jacket and attempted to kiss close. I laughed at him and told him that I don't kiss my coworkers (okay, he has no reason to believe that I lie!) and turned my cheek. That was when he proceeded to chew on my cheek. It was kinda cute in a baby animal beseeching me for attention sort of way. So yeah, the fucker gave me a face hickey.

The final nail in the coffin was him posting, "no one likes you" on my fb wall. Yeah, that'll work.

Also, in other news, Grey has a girlfriend. We're supposed to see Cirque du Soleil this Sunday but I might have to uninvite him. I think that I'm over him because, frankly, I'm glad he's not *my* boyfriend. But I don't think I want to be friends with him, or spend $100 on a ticket which he probably won't appreciate. Maybe I'll take my mom instead.

I did meet a nice guy recently. He seemed nice the first time I met him and he seemed nice the second time I met him. He's a friend of a friend. Just this past weekend at a house party, he laughed at my jokes, rescued me from a creepy guy, helped me clean up and gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I really like him as person and I think there might be some chemistry there. However, there is one MAJOR problem. In fact, I have always considered it a dealbreaker. He's a cop. RCMP actually, so maybe not as bad as uniform. But still, not good. That is the only profession I will not date because I cannot be married to a cop. Even firemen and paramedics, though less than ideal, are worthy of consideration. But I can't be married to someone who could die because of a firearm.

Apparently he told our mutual friend that I was an old soul. That's a nice compliment :)

Calling bullshit

I am so sick of the crap going around of the office that I am officially done with it. If I can't leave the company for public sector, I'm moving back to Vancouver. I have a phone call with my old boss tomorrow afternoon. Before that, I intend to follow up on two local job opportunities. I'm really, truly angry and I haven't felt this way about work in a long time. Close to 10 years, actually. I'm sick of being the one that gets pushed around because other people can't manage their schedules. Or because they're not 100% on this project and have other priorities. I don't feel any loyalty towards the people on this project anymore. And while it will suck for my current supervisor, I'm not exactly getting a lot of support from the seniors in my own group either. I am taking the first opportunity I can get to walk away. I am done crying over this bullshit. Work is not worth the tears.

I need some advice

I had dinner with Pink Dress today and her car died when she arrived at my place. She phoned her mechanic and invited him to dinner with us. This is the same guy that called me chubby and blonde last October.

I thought I could pretend to be fine for a couple of hours but I don't think I can ever spend time with both of them together again. I'm still really hurt by what he said and he set me back light years with those comments. I know that he means nothing to me and I should just discard his opinion but I just can't get his words out of my head. I was so self-conscious of everything I ate at dinner tonight that I couldn't finish my meal.

I'm not sure if I should tell Pink Dress that I don't ever want to see him again or just forget it. The worst part is that she seems to think that he has a thing for me and there is no way in hell that I can purposely spend time with someone whose mere presence reinforces my neuroses about my low self-esteem and weight and food issues. Am I being insane?

Update: Grey, our mutual friend and MFV all told me I should tell her so I just sent her this email.

Okay, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come right out with it.

I know the mechanic is your good friend but I can't hang out with him again. When you said you had invited him to dinner, I thought I would be fine with it but it turns out I'm still not over him calling me chubby and blonde last October. I realize these are my neuroses and he probably had no idea that he would touch on such a sensitive issue. I'm sorry, I know he's good to you. But I really have to assert myself on this one. I was really uncomfortable last night and that makes me unhappy because I was looking forward to catching up with you. Do-over on Saturday?

Douchebag redux

He called tonight, after sending 8 nonsensical drunk texts, and wants to date me again.

For those of you not keeping up or new to the blog, look for any posts since May with the word "disaster" in it.

I don't know how many times I have to say no to this guy. The thing is, I know that he only wants to hit it because I keep saying no to him. The second I let him back in, he'll be gone again. I'm not one of those women who is naive enough to believe that men change.

We talked for an hour. Because we have an important meeting at work on Wednesday and I need for everything to be fine. It took a lot of time away from my thesising and I didn't want him to know how much his text message hurt me. But I did end up telling him that I was angry about his decision that I wasn't good enough for a relationship but that he'd be happy to do me anytime.

Fucking guys. Always know how to make me feel like I'm less than nothing. Good thing I'm seeing Grey tomorrow night. He'll remind me that I am actually worthless.

Brought to you by the letter D

D is for disaster, Darren* and dope. Dumbass and dickweed and dumbhead also.

You like my little rhyme :)

Anyways.... I was in his shiny new office this afternoon. Ooh preamble to story. Yesterday or the day before, I went by his shiny new office with windows and a door and he was complaining how cavernous and lonely it was so I sniped at him, "oh excuse me I only have to share a cave-icle with junior staff!" and walked away.

So today, I was sitting in his shiny new office talking about actual work stuff. I think he doesn't like when I come to see him because I always give him a list of things to do. At least I friggin' have the courtesy of going downstairs to see him in person when I want/need something unlike him. He just drops an email. Jerkwad. Anyway, when he saw that I got to what he thought was the penultimate item on my list (shortly after he flicked an elastic at me), he cupped his hands around his mouth and said, "can I buy you dinner some time?"

I said, "no, we're done, thank you very much" and walked out of there. He tried to stop me by saying that I had one more item but that was for blondie and I had just forgotten to check off the box. Friggin idiot. I looked HOT today. So hot that some random woman stopped me on Yonge Street to tell me.

"Girl, nice shoes!" I said thanks but secretly wondered if this was your crazy religious woman freak who tries to convert people via clothing compliments. But no, she was genuine crazy. After I told her they were on sale at Sterling, she proceeded to tell me that she couldn't pull them off because she doesn't have nice calves. "But girl, you have good calves. Those shoes make them look all long and straight and.... mmm you look good! Did you used to be a dancer? Yeah honey I can tell!"

That's how good I looked. So I guess I can't truly fault him for being sucked into my awesomeness. He is a very weak man, after all.

I sent him this email when I left work. He probably won't get it for a few days.

I deleted your phone number but this is a little too long for a text anyway.

Please don't ever ask me out to dinner at the office again. You have made it very clear to me that you only want one thing from me and your offer of dinner is so transparent that even I can see it for what it really is.

Flirt with me all you want while we're at work but at least let me believe that you are attracted to me for my brain/personality/professionalism/incredible organizational skills and not just my body.

What's that Sheryl Crow song? "Lie to me, I promise I'll believe..." I think I at least deserve that much.

End ridiculously long boy rant.

*Names and faces have been obscured to protect my paycheque.

Excruciating

Last night, I dreamed that I tried to set myself on fire. I think this thesis thing is making me insane.

My fb status update today was:

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This just sucks. Grad school. Thesis. Late nights. Tuition fees. Journal articles. Search boxes. Ref Works. Inter-library loan. Burning eyes. Sore neck. Tense shoulder. Aching back. No new shoes. Missed movies. Canceled plans. Tears on the page. Bruises from banging a highlighter on my forehead in the hopes of speeding up the process. Someone shoot me with an elephant tranquilizer so I never have to wake up.

Dancing around

Ugh. I am so weak.

I was going to write more but I don't think that I will. To make a long and unnecessary story short, I said "no" on the phone in response to his booty call and he still somehow got me over there. No sex, despite his repeated, insistent, sometimes too-assertive demands for it. Just cuddles and kisses. However, when he finally woke up in the morning (I was long gone after his log-sawing chased me out of bed), he was so wasted that he didn't even remember I had been over there. If I hadn't left a note, he wouldn't have found his key. If I hadn't texted him to look for the note, he might not have noticed it on the laptop until tomorrow. Okay, that's enough about that.

I started a belly dancing class last week and I fashioned myself a fancy hip scarf. I bought two small scarfs (black and maroon) and sewed them together to make one big one. When it is completely finished, I might even take a photo (of my ass with bells on!) and post it here for all the interweb to see.

It felt oddly domestic and reassuring to take needle and thread to fabric after many years. But now I must sleep. I have a big conference call in the morning. I will be on the client end and my boss and her boss on the office end. Scary.

Weekend Blogorrhea

I haven't written anything because I really don't have anything to write. I spent this weekend alternately sleeping and feeling nauseated. I must be fighting off the flu or something. I went out for Korean BBQ on Friday night and followed it up with bubble tea and ice cream cake. Birthdays. Ugh. Then Saturday, I slept until 12.30, thesised until 4.30 and then slept until 6.30. I ate nothing for most of the day and went out for Thai for another birthday dinner. It was horribly awkward for me. I didn't know anyone except the birthday boy and spent the entire time waiting for 9 pm to roll around so I could leave. Today I slept until 2.30 pm! Pretended to work (but reading this blog) until 7 and went over to A's parents house so they could feed me. Unfortunately I couldn't finish my food because I felt queasy. Serves me right for only eating Cheetos all day, I guess. Oh yeah, I also spent some time crying last night. I don't really recall why. I mean, it must have been because of Grey. I happen to know he was watching a movie with a friend and I was watching a movie alone. Oh right, I was watching Pretty Woman. Insomniac. Alone on the couch. With a chick flick. Great. My life is meaningless and empty. Now I remember why I haven't written anything all week.

Fu&ktard #2 (dozen)

Holy mother of God.

D texted me this morning but I left my phone at home today and didn't get the message until just now. Here is a synopsis of the shortest text conversation I have ever had:

D: Hey how's it going? Do anything cool on the weekend? I am going to call you tonight after [the kid] is in bed if its okay.

Me: Sorry forgot the phone at home today and only just got in. Don't feel obligated to call and talk. I'm pretty sure i know which direction the wind is blowing your sails.

D: If you mean that I sense we aren't compatible for long term, but that I would like to continue having fun with you on a casual basis. Then yes, you know my winds. If you not cool with that, I want to continue professionally with you wothout [sic] missing a beat

Fucking guy. Sure knows how to make a woman feel like a piece of meat. Jerk.

Disaster

He's a disaster. He came over last night and stayed over (at my suggestion) because it was so late and we've been staying up late the last few nights (get your mind out of the gutter - I've been working late and thesising late). I don't have to go to work today so I had planned to sleep in while he went to work. Unfortunately his alarm didn't wake him up and he ignored me when I tried to wake him up. Until I reminded him he needed to get out before his car got towed. THAT got him moving. Slowly. It took him half an hour to get dressed, get out the door and call the towing company to find out where they took his car. He wasn't annoyed with himself for having to pay $200 to get his car back. He wasn't stressed about being late for his meeting. He didn't even get dressed right away when he discovered his car had been towed. And he didn't ask me to drive him to the impound lot. Maybe he assumed I would or maybe he figured he would get there somehow if I didn't offer. There was no frenzied rushing around or swearing or anything that I (or another normal person) would have done. I find that strange. I guess he does get stressed about things but not the same things that make me anxious. Fortunately I only had to drive him to pick it up and not to the meeting in a northern municipality that he's going to be very, very late for.

I'm going back to bed for a bit. And while I'm there, I'm going to try to convince myself to end it with D (for disaster) because I need someone who has his life together and is a bit more polished. I miss MFV.