Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Today I had a quick lunch with the Original Douchebag (he sat, I ate) and he was saying how he didn't do much over the holidays because all his friends are married now and he felt like a loser. His actual words were "so, I realized that I'm not actually a loser but I felt like a loser". Lol, who says that?? And he proposed that we should be closer friends from now on since we're both single. He was being totally creepy and weird. Ick. So I told him that I'm no longer single. He slammed his hand on the table and said, "dammit!" Uh, transparent much?? I should just have had lunch at my desk but Douchebag Beta asked me to go for lunch when I got in and I blew him off because he was a complete fu&ker the last time we didn't see each other*.

Then, this evening, despite being a complete gentleman and driving 45 minute to pick me up so I wouldn't have to deal with the broken subway after dinner, Jesus was kind of a jerk. He was patronizing and condescending and kept touching me in ways that were annoying. When I asked him to stop all of the offending behaviours, he laughed at me and continued to be patronizing. I mean, fine, the guy is older than me but I resent him treating me like a child. It's frustrating because I felt as though I was just starting to open up to him.

He also got me a gift. An expensive gift from Coach. Which was sweet. But he bought me a ponytail scarf. Only, I have short hair. Short, short hair. You know when Rihanna went super short? Yeah, ftw, right? WHAT am I going to do with a ponytail scarf??

Why do I attract weirdos and jerks?? I need a cookie. And a hug. A hug-flavoured cookie.

*I didn't post about this because it seemed like a waste of time in an otherwise perfectly good evening.


Asshat said...

He bought you a scarf because he wanted to buy you something "nice" but he has no idea of what size of any article of clothing would fit you and has no clue concerning anything else that you might like. Scarves are safe bets because one size fits all. Jewelry wouldn't be an appropriate gift because he must sense that you think he's a douchebag.

Most straight men have no clear idea what women actually do with scarves or what practical purpose they might serve (at least I certainly don't) so probably it wouldn't occur to him to correlate the size of the scarf with the shortness of your hair.

It's amazing how much you can piss somebody off by giving him or her a gift. My cousin does it by giving me a barbecue set every Christmas for the past 3 years although she knows I don't eat meat.

Keep the scarf and if it pleases you to do so, use it as a dish rag. And praise Jesus.

Ms Behaviour said...

But Asshat, why did he even give me a gift? I don't celebrate Christmas and didn't give him anything. I think, if you're going to give someone a gift for an occasion they barely acknowledge, shouldn't it be something that they actually want? Anyway, I am horrendous at faking it so I think he knew I was confused about the whole thing.

For the record, I didn't think he was a douchebag until last night when he turned on the jerk taps and flooded my living room with jerk juice.

Seriously, this is going to be the last chapter in my dating career. If I can't date Jesus, I can't date anyone.

Asshat said...

All I can say is that "he shouldn't have." But that's hindsight. Obviously, Christmas is important to Jesus and he acted reflexively. Next time, date a Mohammed. Maybe you'll get a burkha designed by Versace. If so, act thrilled.

Ms Behaviour said...

That, at least, would be useful!

Anonymous said...

Jeez, you can't think of any uses for a scarf? Any?

Is it long enough to tie anyone's hands to the headboard?

Then again... Jesus probably didn't think of that, either.

Don't make him the last chapter in your dating life. The ending of a book determines its genre. That would make your love life a tragedy. Go for a happy ending. (Tee hee.) I mean, go for comedy. Romantic comedy. Or maybe a romp. Mmmm. Romp. But not tragedy.

Write a new ending.