Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Great expectations

Is it possible to have good sex and good conversation with the same person? With the same man? I'm starting to think it isn't possible. There were a few people who I thought had potential. The deadbeat ex drug-dealer last summer. He was fun and funny and good in bed. But he only wanted to have sex once a week, if that. Then there was my former Valentine who could make me laugh but didn't make a move for months and then, when he did, he couldn't get it up. B who seems to be a perfect physical match but could care less about my brain.

I feel like such an idiot. I haven't heard from B all day. And I've been waiting. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed for most of the day, let alone leave the house or do any work. And nothing. Not even a response to the birthday message. I am so stupid. How did I get here? All I want to do is cry and sleep and put an end to everything. I feel so alone and unwanted and unlovable and miserable. I'm not hungry but I know I should eat. But I can't bring myself to make anything or go out and pick something up. I can't even bring myself to leave my apartment to have a cigarette. It's a good thing I have class tomorrow otherwise I wouldn't leave the house til Friday. I wish I could stop crying. I hate it when my face gets puffy and I get dehydrated. Somebody please shoot me.

1 comment:

LaLa said...

I just started reading your blog. Found by way of Heather "This Fish". I can relate with many of your posts. Just wanted to say hi.