Monday, October 1, 2007

I need a hug... and a lobotomy

I should never have let him come over on Sunday. It was awful. He said he had things to say to me, that he didn't want us to break up but he choked on Saturday. So I let him come by and he still had nothing significant or meaningful to add. Just "I love you so much" and "this relationship is hard" and "I want us to be together" but no attempt to sacrifice or compromise or even discuss how we're supposed to make it work. I showed him the door after he wouldn't leave.

And then I felt like shit about that so I offered to drive him to the airport. I also sent him a long email last night saying all the things I left unsaid because I was waiting for him to speak. He read it and said we would talk today on the way to the airport. But, if possible, he had even less to say this morning. When I got home from the airport, I started writing an email when a long one came in from him. He was waiting and thinking at the departure gate. It hurts me that he can't say all those things to me in person but can write them in an email. It makes me doubt the sincerity of his emotions. I don't want a man that can't fight for what he says he wants when given so many more chances than he deserves. I don't want a man that can't look me in the eye when he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me.

So it's done. It's over. It's for the best. I did everything I could and much more than he deserved and he chose to let go, even though he promised me he wouldn't.

I spent most of the day sleeping but I'm heading out in an hour for drinks with an older friend. Several years ago, she was my mentor and adviser and has a sensible head on her shoulders. Maybe she will have something enlightening to add but what I really need is the late night company and then to come home and go straight to bed so I can have a productive day tomorrow.

The mysterious guy called me to check in. How crappy must B have behaved this weekend that one phone call from the mysterious guy could make me feel good for a few minutes? Men are such monkeyfuckers. He asked if he could keep calling me and I said of course. He has ruined me for all other men so he might as well be the only one calling me.

I realized something this weekend. I decided I would not willingly put myself in situations that I thought would make me feel stupid or foolish or humiliated. That is the most I can do to control the stupid feeling right now. The thing about the mysterious guy, yes I should have known better than to sleep with him but I had no control over his mistakes. So there's really no point feeling stupid about his actions. I'm not angry at him so I guess I have forgiven him for the mistakes he made. Given my frame of mind at the time, I think I can forgive myself for my actions. So it's time to move on from that as well.

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