Sunday, February 3, 2008

Saturday night

I have nothing to write about right now but it has been a while so I will continue in this vein of blogorrhea. I just ate some smoked salmon (leftover from tea with the ladies this afternoon) and drank a glass of lactose-free chocolate milk. Then I belched louder than I have in a very long time.

I spent this evening at home because I woke up angry this morning. I was frustrated with myself for taking on too many unnecessary and thankless responsibilities and felt like I needed some time to myself. I had intended to come home and sit on the couch and watch TV. Instead, I tidied up the apartment, did laundry, sorted bills, shredded old receipts, updated my car service history and wrote a corresponding fb note. While I was sorting through the crap, I found a slip with Grey's AMEX card number and expiry date. I was tempted to sign him up for some porn sites or randomly order things from Amazon to be shipped to his house but that would be stupid and petty. Instead I'll just fantasize about doing that from the school library and picture his imaginary reactions.

This morning, I cried in the shower. When I got out of the shower, I thought about some things while I was getting ready. I had one of those moments of clarity in which my perspective shifted slightly and realized something I should have figured out weeks ago. He can't say no to people because he doesn't like to be the bad guy. He needs to be liked and he wants to be needed. That is why he wouldn't end things with me. That is the reason he made me do it. The reason he pushed so hard with "I'm not in love with you" and "I can't bring you soup". Instead of stepping up and communicating as an adult. Which I would have appreciated more than his bullshit. It's also the reason he still wants to be friendly, if not actual friends. I was unhappy when I ended it because I wasn't ready to end it. I realized that he forced me to be the responsible one and that was upsetting because I blamed myself for being the first to walk away.

That has always been my issue. Walking away when things get rough. But I also know now that all the other men before Grey were not right for me and my walking away was not a bad decision in any of those circumstances. It was always the right decision at the time and my instincts were telling me what I needed to do to protect myself. So... maybe walking away is not my issue! Yes, I have trouble letting people in but maybe that's okay. Because people are disappointing. But maybe that's not the same as bailing on relationships. Maybe I can forgive myself now for all those other times. And therefore, by extension, I can feel less unhappy about being the one to end things with Grey.

Having said all that, I still miss him a lot. I feel like I will never be 100% happy.

I guess I did have something to write about after all.

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