Wednesday, February 13, 2008

What's really missing

My facebook horoscope for today says "Is it love or lust? You say you can't live without someone, but is it their heart or something else you want?"

Every couple of days, I remember or realize something about Grey that pisses me off. This evening I was hanging my yoga pants to dry when I realized that I don't want to end up like him. I still think I'm in love with him because I would go back to him in a heart beat. But he's miserable and angry so much of the time that I'm not sure he finds joy in life. And I don't want to lose what little I have learned in the last 3 years. I mean, I was happy with him but perhaps it wasn't sustainable. I miss him a lot but I realize that I need to try and be objective about what it is that I really miss about our time together.

Sure I miss his cooking and his cuddles and his fabulous apartment and his illicit substances. I even miss the sex a little bit - once a month when my hormones are out of control. But realistically, I have a great apartment and I can't afford illicit substances. I really should learn to cook and the reason I don't is because of deep-seated, unresolved issues surrounding food and nourishment and self-love (or lack thereof). His cooking was convenient but rarely healthy and not always even tasty. I need to learn to do better on my own. When I'm done school, I'll look into basic cooking classes as well as photography and bartending and belly dancing.

So I'm just left with cuddles. How much do I really need physical contact with a human being? Sure, it's nice to be spooned when I'm falling asleep. And spooning with Grey was nice because he rarely snored. The deadbeat former drug dealer of Summer 2006 didn't snore either so it's not completely unrealistic to think I might meet someone who also has everything I'm looking for. Or maybe I should just get a large dog.

No comments: