Saturday, December 1, 2007

Not in love

Ten years a go, I met a guy who I was with for seven years. I think the only thing we had in common was that we were both lonely. He was good to me and might even have loved me. I don't know anymore. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. He's with someone else now.

A year ago, I was not in a relationship with a guy that knew how to make me laugh and wanted to. He understood what I meant when I said that we're all really alone. He was too young. And not ready for a mature relationship. But he was sweet and funny. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. And now he's with someone else.

Six months ago, I was in a relationship with a guy that said he loved me and wanted to marry me and just come home and spend time with me at the end of his day. But he didn't know how to make me laugh and didn't try. He wasn't ready for a relationship either, but he loved the idea of being in love with me. It wasn't right. I wasn't happy. And now he's with someone else.

Today, Grey told me that he isn't in love with me. I'm not sure what to do with that information. I'm not even sure I understand why it is even relevant. Maybe it's because I don't believe in love. Maybe it's because I believe that companionship is an illusion. On the one hand, I hear voices in my head telling me that I deserve to be with someone that is crazy about me. And I think that Grey was trying to tell me that he isn't crazy about me. I don't know if anyone has ever been crazy about me. Anyway, I think those voices might be my instincts. But I don't know because I don't trust my instincts anymore. I think I turned them off. Or maybe I never had any.

On the other hand, I just want to be with him. I want to keep trying. I want to know why he keeps me at a distance. I think that we could bridge the distance if we could each let our guard down. I want him to make me laugh and I want him to reach out for me. I want him to hold my hand when we're watching TV. I want him to hold me close when we're in bed. I want the big hugs and the soft kisses and the...

He is bored of me already. Perhaps he's just too scared to say that in so many words. I don't want to believe that he is trying to get rid of me. I want to believe that's just my issue and I'm misinterpreting his meaning. I have no idea. I'm so confused. Shouldn't relationships be easier than this?

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