Friday, November 30, 2007

He apologized

I just don't know how much longer I can do this with him. I haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time but he is just so confusing. And, late at night, when I'm tired and it's harder to pretend that I don't care, I try to figure out what he meant by what he said. Or didn't say.

I haven't seen him since last Saturday when I walked out. We have talked but haven't had a real conversation. I am on the brink of giving up. I picture my life post-Grey and wonder if it will feel empty or if I will feel better having made a good decision.

I miss him during the week. I crave his touch. I miss his salt and pepper hair and his hugs and his silences. I haven't shown him this flow chart yet but I intend to. I am at the point that I need to know. I want his answer to be the one in the bottom left corner. Or in the top right. But I'm scared it's somewhere in the middle.

We talked on the phone a few hours ago. He asked me what I was doing this weekend and then abruptly cut off the conversation. I don't know why. I wrote him a mental email but I think I'll just wait and see what happens. Maybe I won't ever see him again. Maybe that would be easier. My heart aches for him. How can I feel this already? Maybe in a month it will have faded. Or just fizzled out.

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