Thursday, November 1, 2007

Letter to B

It has been just over a month since we broke up and a month since I last spoke to you. Today, I was supposed to be packing to come and visit you. Instead, I'm wondering "what the hell happened to you?" It's not that I particularly care anymore. I know that I can't expect closure from you, that I have to create it myself. But I hate loose ends and not knowing.

Where did you go? I haven't received a single email or instant message, let alone a phone call from you. And no response to my birthday message. I wonder if I'll hear from you on Saturday. It's a pretty important year for me.

Do you care how I'm doing? Do you even think about me anymore? How did 14 years of friendship and history just disappear in the blink of an eye? It boggles my mind and I can't even begin to think of an explanation.

Well, that's not true. My theory is that you met someone who made it easy to stop thinking about me. Am I that forgettable? She must be really something. To forget all your promises of marriage, your talk of the future, of our lives together.

I understand and accept it is for the best. I have met someone who does make me happy. He makes me laugh and takes care of me and calls when he says he's going to call. He works as many hours as you do, more actually because he works hard and is dedicated and loves his job. And he parties as hard as you do. But he knows the importance of unwinding and spending time together doing nothing and saying nothing. Of preparing meals and sitting down to eat together. He understands the importance of conversation, even if sometimes he puts on his shell. I haven't figured out to crack it. Yet. I want to though.

I'm crazy about him. I actually feel things in my heart and soul that never responded to your words except with uncertainty and fear and guilt.

Still, this mystery will continue to rattle around at the back of my brain until someone divulges something to me about your situation.

Here, I thought I knew you all along. Turns out I haven't a clue.

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