Thursday, November 15, 2007

Another unsent letter to B

It's good to know that my instincts about you were right.

All those times I worried about you being with someone else. At the end when you couldn't look me in the eye when you were talking to me. When you kept saying you loved me and still wanted us to be together but your words lacked sincerity and warmth.

I remember thinking "who the hell is she?" but I don't remember if that was before or after our "break" started. Maybe I should have asked. I feel as though you lied and cheated. Why did you stay with me? Why did you have sex with me? Did you fly home and have sex with her? Were you already having sex with her when you came to visit and had sex with me?

Just when I was starting to think there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. I feel blindsided. I was just starting to think I would be happier not knowing the truth. Because I don't really need the extra baggage.

Now I may never be able to trust another man who talks about marriage and buying property and growing old together How can this happen to one person twice in one lifetime?

I'm such an idiot. Gullible. How did I believe all the things you said? It's a good thing I reminded myself this afternoon that I don't need anyone. That I'm self-sufficient and have no expectations of anyone.

Men are monkeyfuckers.

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