Ache

I'm at work but I need to get the words out. I can't get used to this feeling. The hole in my chest where he used to be. It's worse at this time of day as the sun sets and everyone rushes home to their weekends leaving me here at my desk dreading my solitary return to my empty apartment. I thought I had got used to feeling lonely but this is worse. Every Christmas song brings tears to my eyes. My thoughts turn to memories of him at every quiet moment. It's a struggle that I haven't had to deal with before. Did I fall in love with him? Is this what that means? That complete loss of control of every emotion and thought? Overwhelming despair that I will probably never see him or hear his voice again? This is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me that he misses me, that he was wrong, that he was an idiot and can I come back? But I know he won't. He's not that guy. It wasn't right and, in my head, I know there are so many reasons I'm better off without him but I miss everything about him. I keep making lists in my head of all the things I miss. And I realize that I don't want to be with anyone else. I honestly don't believe I will meet anyone like him and I don't want to settle for less. Every inch of my soul hurts.