Monday, May 12, 2008

A glimmer of something

I'm totally procrastinating about going to school right now. I really should go. I want to have results ready for end of day Wednesday so my supervisors can look them over before our meeting on Thursday.

It was a long day at the lab yesterday. Productive, but long. I found myself randomly crying about Grey. I wish he wasn't so screwed up. We had such a good time together this weekend. There were a few moments that he was a bit grumpy but he was also a bit strange. He keeps asking if my parents are coming to visit this summer. And he mentioned that I would be an expensive wife. When I pointed out that his entire outfit was over $1000 whereas mine was under $100, he said that his mom would love me. I hope he doesn't freak out on me again. I'm not sure I can handle another soup incident. I just wish he knew what he wanted so that I could figure it out. While he waffles, I wait in suspense. More fool me, I suppose.

He went to get a hair cut after we had dim sum on Saturday morning. He left me alone at his place with the paper for about an hour and a half. And when he came back, we sat around talking for a while. We've never done that before. It was a bit strange but I really enjoyed just talking to him. I don't want to get my hopes up again. Maybe it's too late, given the random lab crying yesterday. Perhaps it's time to take a break from him. Next weekend is long so maybe I won't see him.

I'm not looking after Charlie anymore. I decided I didn't need the extra responsibility right now. I miss that puppy but it's probably for the best. It's going to be a long week and I will need the time to unwind and the reminder of how much I hate long, extended periods of time to myself.


Asshat said...

Would it be too flippant to say that food service relationships appear to have a lot to do with your complicated web of happiness? I mean, it sounds to me like your life goal is to find a man who brings you soup and cuts your toast into triangles. Isn't there some deli nearby that delivers? You can always have sex on the side once you get the food needs resolved.

Elusive Butterfly said...

Yes it would be flippant and a gross oversimplification. I can feed myself but I hate doing it. I get frustrated having to think about meals three times a day and setting aside time during business hours to buy food. And taking a break during lab work isn't always feasible. So yes, I want someone else to help me take care of that aspect of my life while I'm at school and too busy to grocery shop and cook. I'm sure you don't believe that my life goal is to find a man who will feed me. Are you being condescending to me because Harlan is MIA today? Food is important. Almost all social activities revolve around a meal. Family time is most often about eating together. Food brings joy and comfort to people all over the world. I want some of that joy and comfort.

Asshat said...

Sorry. I was trying to be facetious, not condescending. It didn't work. Obviously I know you want more out of a relationship than trouble-free meals, new jeans and maid service. However, from my viewpoint as an uninvolved outsider, I thought it was mildly amusing that the high point in your relationship with Grey coincided with the time he was amenable to serving you toast and the low point came when he refused to bring you soup. I guess it wasn't so amusing after all (ham and eggs, instead of soup and toast, would have been kinda funny, though). You do indeed deserve joy and comfort and not to be annoyed on your own blog.

Elusive Butterfly said...

Ah, I understand. Now that I have met facetious Asshat, I will be on the lookout for him. Where the heck is H these days? I'm anticipating a monster post by the end of the week.

cce said...

Just my two cents (and believe me it takes one to know one) but I used to be a girl like you, or maybe I still am a girl like you. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, expecting too much of everyone, hoping a male could fill the space of lonely. And, really, men are frightened by this frank and open and emotional type of woman. If I were to do it all over again, I would be more guarded, more self focused and less quick to wait around in someone's apartment for hours anticipating his return. Being a little less available, a little more mysterious and coy, though it is game playing, will always be more alluring than being too ready, to eager, to there. Easier said then done, I know.

Elusive Butterfly said...

Hi cce. Believe me, I'm playing the game to the best of my ability. It's a really hard game to play though. I don't want to be a bitch about it but I constantly remind myself that I'm not his girlfriend and therefore have none of those privileges of asking for help or talking about my feelings.

There were circumstances surrounding being alone at his place that afternoon. I won't go into detail but that wasn't actually a case of me being too available.

However, today I am attempting to play that game. He emailed me this morning and I haven't responded yet. He saved the season finale of House for me and suggested we watch it together while cuddling on the couch. I will probably wait until he's safely tucked in bed and then write some sarcastic response about his unmasculine need for physical affection. Or maybe I won't respond at all. I can count on one hand the number of times I have called him in the past 8 months. And I don't talk about myself with him unless he asks a direct question.

There are so many things he doesn't know about me. He has never been to my apartment, doesn't even know my address. Has only met two of my friends. He has no idea what my parents do, what I do, what my thesis topic is. I'm really walking a fine line between actively pushing him away and just being "mysterious". The thing is, I don't think it has ever occurred to him that he has only scratched the surface with me. And, to be honest, I'm getting tired of the game.

I'd really like to be with someone who is interested in all the different aspects of my life but perhaps there aren't any men out there who are like that. I certainly haven't dated any!