Thursday, April 3, 2008

Two can be as bad as one

I started writing a comment on today. That format wasn't appropriate for me to completely elaborate my thoughts so I thought I would continue here.

I think a tendency to loneliness might be an inherent character trait. It's not the same as always being negative when you can choose to be positive. I'm lonely because of the circumstances of my life. I can choose to be more social, to date, to go out and make friends and I do all of those things. But, as I've said before, it's possible to be surrounded by people and still feel like you're alone. There are people like X who can be happy alone, who don't miss their loved ones with overwhelming sadness simply because their loved ones exist and are out there loving them and missing them as well. I am slowly starting to understand that feeling. Of being alone in the Universe but not overwhelmed by sadness. Driving across Canada alone was one of the best experiences of my life. Maybe I'm just becoming secure in my loneliness. After all, I can't imagine sharing my space anymore.

I have learned that craving human company doesn't make you weak or pathetic. I'm lonely because I have no family nearby and I always spend Sundays alone as a result. That's not really my fault so I don't blame myself for wishing that I wasn't alone. That doesn't make the emptiness and aching any easier to bear. It's hard to be an independent woman. There are moments I wish someone would take care of me, make decisions for me, so that I can stop and sit still in silence. I know, that's so anti-feminist but I'm tired of being alone all the time.

I wrote this around New Years but didn't post it.

Do you wonder sometimes if you have adapted your routines and behaviors to help you ignore all of the crap that you should be dealing with and can't bring yourself to face? I find that, if I'm exhausted at the end of the day, I can fall asleep without thinking about all of the things that really bother me. The things that should upset me but that I choose to ignore. Because it's just easier to ignore the hole in my soul.

When I'm not exhausted, I try to overstimulate myself by reading the news online, calling a friend, doing some work. And then, before I know it, it's 3 am and my eyes are about to fall out of my head and I'm ready to drop. Then I wake up and do it all over again. Avoidance. Denial. Fear.

Once in a while, like right now, I have a moment of clarity. I realize what I'm doing to myself. I think that perhaps I deserve to be happy, to have a peaceful moment when I'm not torturing myself with reminders of everything that is wrong with me. Perhaps I deserve to just sit still and accept that I'm a decent human being. Usually when that happens, I start to write. I'm never sure if the words will make sense in the morning but at least they're here at my finger tips. Right now, I'm a little bit cold. Sitting in front of my monitor in the living room. Looking out the window. It's foggy and still snowing a little. There's snow on the ground but there's no-one in the street. The trees are silhouetted against the yellow street lamps and one solitary set of Christmas lights.

I know I deserve to be okay but I'm not sure how to get there. I've pushed myself so hard that I don't know how to back down. So when things go wrong, I blame myself. Because I made myself what I am, I got here because of the decisions I made. I am the only one to blame. The only one who can fix what is wrong. Those things outside of my control, I can't do anything about those things except punish myself for not doing better. For not seeing them coming and acting accordingly to avoid them. Good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgement. It's so hard to forgive the bad decisions.

I need to go to sleep but I can't. I'm not capable of dealing with all of the garbage that needs to be set aside in order for the stillness to settle in. And if my mind is not quiet, sleep will not come. I can't relax. I can't unwind. I can't forget. I can't forgive. Myself.

There's a New Years Resolution in here somewhere but it's elusive. Maybe 8 will be my lucky number

A couple of years ago, when I was lonely and my nerves would tingle from lack of physical contact with another living being, it was more of an abstract longing. I wanted something to fill the void but I didn't know what that was. Now that I have met Grey, I want his company, his touch, his presence. And I'd rather be alone than settle for the company of some random guy. He might be a great random guy but, if he doesn't make me feel great, at this point, I would rather be alone.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I came via the link at, Moshizzle.

I can relate to your security in being alone. I enjoy socializing but prefer time alone (or with a significant other). So, there is common ground in that.

I'm just suddenly curious about Harlan's intent. It doesn't matter though because people are going to take whatever they want away from reading his blog. I think it's true that a person reads what they want to read. Some people are comforted by him, some purely mock him, and so on.

So, what I asked doesn't really matter. Because, as you pointed out, he isn't making light of a disease.

I think you deserve to be happy and I don't think you should settle for something that doesn't fulfill you.

I'm not really sure why I alway go to his site. The writing is good, entertaining sometimes too. I want to say to connect to others, but that's cheesy.