Endings and beginnings

I talked to my neglectful Valentine today. He was angry. Lashed out at me. Questioned the sincerity of everything I had ever told him. Said that it didn't say a lot about what we had before if it could just vanish in a week. Insinuated that something must have been going on before my trip. It stung and burned but my feelings must be a fraction of his right now. So I won't hold it against him and I will try to let go of him and our friendship.

What did we have before? Phone calls. A promise to see me again once some time before I graduated. Fear of seeing me again because he didn't want us to end up in a relationship. Expecting me to read his mind to figure out how he felt about me. No expectations or promises or the other safety features of a relationship. We were never a couple. We were never able to figure out whether we had ever dated. Just a few salsa classes, a movie here and there, some laughs and some faded kisses. We had one opportunity to have sex but he couldn't quite...

I didn't tell him that I knew within 48 hours of being in Nassau that I wanted to be with B. That I've finally found something that feels right. Something that makes me feel good. That I'm happy now. That I no longer want to kill myself but I want us to both live for a very long time and be healthy and have kids. Me planning kids. Plural. The world is topsy-turvy and shiny and wonderful.

I told him there was nothing that I could say that would make him feel better. That would make him believe me. That all the things I said to him were sincere and true. The fact that he questions our history now makes me realize some things. Ah, hindsight. He wanted to sit on the fence because he was afraid and selfish. But, just because I'm at school, that doesn't mean that time and people stand still. Change happens. And while he was waiting, I found the man that I need in my life.

I said that B had asked me to marry him and that I had said yes. It isn't official. But he has told me that he wants our future to be together, "your mission, should you choose to accept it" and I told him that I would.

B and I talked about our children today. He said he was picturing them last night. My eyes, his lips, drop-dead gorgeous. That he would need a shotgun if we have daughters. We were on the phone for over 10 hours until he eventually fell asleep and started snoring. Thank the internet for Skype.

It feels like I'm falling... but not into space. Into the comfortable, familiar armchair in the warm, sunny patch by the living room window with a great view.